Author's Note:
Just a couple things to share: some of the details of the story might not be completely accurate, i.e., the set up of the Crash, but they're all included for storyline purposes. There are no spoilers in this story and it takes place in the near future. Finally, the story is mostly from Max's perspective, but there will be a few sections where Original Cindy is the narrator. I tried to make it as clear as possible, but if anyone has any questions, feel free to email me and I'll try and explain as best I can. Please read and respond. This is my first "Dark Angel" fic, and I'm curious to know what longtime readers think of it. Most of all, I hope you enjoy!
~ * ~
"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within." - James Baldwin
~ * ~
Have you ever had one of those nights where everything changes? The kind where you wake up the next morning and close your eyes and think about how nothing really happened, but everything is different? I mean, some things are the same: the world still turns and the sun still comes up and all that cheesy stuff, but your life is never the same. I'm lying in my bed right now doing exactly that. Images of last night flash through my mind: tender hands and hot kisses and my body arching under his. I roll over and pull my pillow over my head as if I can erase what I did last night. But I can't. The evidence is all over my body: the finger shaped bruises on my wrists, the purpling bites on my breasts, the ripped clothing lying in a puddle on my bedroom floor. I don't know what happened last night. I'm not in heat; there's no explanation for my actions. Except that I wanted him. I wanted to touch that hard body, to feel him inside me. Despite my programming and genetic make up, I'm still a woman. . .and I have wants and needs like every woman does. And last night, I wanted him.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. I love Logan, right? I love his loyalty and intelligence, his kindness and heart of gold, how he doesn't give up on us even though I can't touch him. But if I love him so much, why did I sleep with the enemy? I sit up and get out of bed; it's not doing me any good to stay at the scene of the crime. I need to talk to Logan. I need to explain what happened, make him understand how sorry I am. Yet, at the same time, what do I have to be sorry for? I knew what I was doing when I slept with Alec; I wanted it as much as he did. It just felt. . .right; being with him was like coming home. But why does something so right have to be so wrong?
*** FLASHBACK ***
~ * ~
The Crash is as dark and smoky as ever, an old school, pre-pulse band playing on the jukebox and the pool table is more packed then usual. It's been a long day and all I want to do is hang with my best girl and knock back a few cold ones. Original Cindy is chilling at our table, a pitcher of the Crash's cheapest import next to her elbow and an annoyed expression on her face; she hates it when I'm late.
"Hey boo," I say with a smile as I slide in next to her. "Sorry I'm late."
"Hmmph," she grunts and drains her glass.
"Come on!" I whine. "It's been a long day. How 'bout I buy the next one?"
She puts down her glass. "Normal extra annoying today?"
I smile; my girl's back. "When is he not? He was going on and on about all the complaints Jam Pony's been getting lately. It's not my fault Alec doesn't understand the meaning of polite."
"He might not be nice, but the boy sure is beautiful."
I look up from my beer in surprise. "Since when do you care?"
"Boo, I might bat for the other team, but that doesn't mean I can't see a fine man when he comes along. Thinking about takin' advantage?"
I roll my eyes. "You know I'm with Logan."
Her eyebrows rise an inch or so. "Okay," I admit. "I should be with Logan."
She reaches over and pats my hand. "Things don't always work out the way you want them to."
I clear my throat and finish my drink. "Can we change the subject? I don't want to talk about Logan anymore."
"Too late," she says and gestures towards the door. I look over and see Logan making his way through the crowd, Asha trailing behind him.
"And he brought her," I snap.
"They're just friends, boo," Original Cindy says.
I roll my eyes again. "Right."
I wait for him to come over and say hi, but he doesn't see me. Instead he and Asha tuck themselves into a cozy corner table and start an intense discussion about god knows what.
"Well what do we have here?" Original Cindy drawls. "Look what the cat dragged in."
I look in the direction she's staring and see Alec walk through the door. I feel my face flush at the very sight of him. His clothing is simple, a t-shirt and jeans, but he looks good. And from the stares he's getting, the female patrons think so too. He goes over to the bar and rests his back against it as he slowly sips from a frosted bottle. He watches the girls as they walk by, his eyes raking their bodies from head to toe. One in particular catches his eye, a short blonde with a body like a brick house. A slow, steady smile curves his lips and he grips the edges of the bar, the muscles of his biceps bulging under the thin cotton of his shirt.
She eases up next to him at the bar, shaking her hips slightly as she orders. Even from this distance I can see his eyes darken with appreciation. He starts up a conversation with her and she laughs. Then she raises one hand slides it around his bicep. I can imagine she's making comments about what big muscles he has and Alec is eating it up. After a minute or two of conversation he takes her hand and leads her to the makeshift dance floor. I watch her body curve into his and feel something foreign prick the back of my throat. "You're not jealous," I tell myself. "You hate Alec. He's impolite and rude and selfish and annoying." I try to look away but my gaze locks with his; he winks at me over the girl's head.
"If looks could kill that chica would be dead," Original Cindy says softly. "I thought you hated him." I don't even realize I'm glaring at them until she points it out.
"I do."
"You know, they say there's a thin line between love and hate."
"Then it's good I know what side I'm on."
"You gotta work this out with him, boo."
"There's nothing to work out. We're. . .friends, I guess."
"Or maybe there's more."
"What are you talking about?" I ask, not liking the too knowing smile curving her lips.
She leans closer and puts on her most know-it-all voice. "You like him."
"I do not!"
"It's not a bad thing. There are worse ones you could pick."
"It's not that. As soon as I kick this virus thing Logan and I will be together the way we should be."
"Uh huh," she says doubtfully and takes a sip of her beer. She waves to Sketchy and he waves back as he comes over to us. I trace a bead of moisture on my glass and pout.
"What's the deal with you two?" he asks as he straddles a chair across from me. I glare at her and cross my arms over my chest.
"Just a little girl talk," Original Cindy explains. "Nothin' to worry about." She pinches me under the table, a sign that I need to at least pretend everything's okay.
He pours himself a beer and starts bitching about Normal and Jam Pony and the irate customers he had to deal with today. I try to pay attention and even manage to make a comment or two, but I can't take my eyes off Alec and the girl.
He pulls her closer and she buries her face in the curve of his neck. I can see her tongue slip out and trace a slow circle over his throat. He slides his hands lower and cups her bottom; they're borderline indecent. They turn slowly, their bodies swaying to the music. She's facing me, but she's too busy sucking on his neck for me to see her face; but I can see her hands running up and down his back. My hand tightens around my glass and I push it away before the force of my grip shatters it. I can't take my eyes off them. I want to look away, to think about other things. . .but I can't. Alec has gotten under my skin and he's driving me nuts.
I don't understand what's happening to me. I'm supposed to love Logan; didn't I just choose him over Zack? When I made it out of Manticore again I had such high hopes about life in Seattle. Logan and I would be together, maybe we'd even settle down at some point, think about starting a family. Maybe I'll finally be normal. But as usual, things didn't work out the way I intended. I have a virus that prevents me from touching the man I think I love and a lot of unresolved feelings for the man I think I hate.
I watch him with that slut of a girl and wish I were the one in his arms. I've only known him a few months but I feel like I've known him forever. Maybe it's because he looks so much like Ben; maybe it's because he understands me. Yes, scarily, on some level he knows what makes me tick. He's been through Manticore, he knows what it's like. I can see the changes in him, changes he's made since he met me. He's not as selfish and narcissistic as he was when I first met him. He paid back the money he owed me after all. He's slowly learning about compassion and selflessness; about doing right by others and finding gratification in it; that other people matter and it's sometimes necessary to put others above yourself. I like him better now; I don't want to, but I do. He's nothing but trouble, an accident waiting to happen. He flaunts his barcode like a big "fuck you" to Manticore, but someday it's going to catch up with him.
The girl runs her fingers through his hair, her hand caressing the back of his neck and baring his barcode to anyone in sight. Instead of flinching, like he does when I touch him there, he slides his hands down her sides and squeezes. I can't take it anymore. I put my glass down with a load thump. He's endangering me, Joshua, Zack, all my siblings by allowing people to know he's Manticore. Nothing means more to me then protecting the people I love. And Alec needs to know that.
I storm over to him and angrily grab his arm. "We need to talk."
The girl looks up with haughty eyes. "We're kind of busy here."
He wraps an arm around her shoulders and drags her against his side. She snuggles into him, laying her head on his shoulder. "Amber and I are just getting acquainted."
I tighten my grip on his bicep. "Not now. Alec, let's go." Amber eyes dart between Alec and me, trying to figure out what's going on between us. Her eyes widen a bit and I can see fear spark there. I feel bad for her. She's an innocent girl caught in someone else's problem. She pulls out of his grasp and takes a step back.
"You know Alec, we don't really know each other that well. Maybe we should just do this another time. . ." She trails off and slips out from under his arm, taking off at a run and disappearing into the crowd.
He frowns slightly, but doesn't say anything. "Nice pick," I comment.
He shrugs his shoulders. "She's okay. Nothing special. I've had better."
I glare at him. "I can't believe that's how you view women. You are such a misogynist pig!"
"Those are some fighting words, Maxie."
"Don't call me that!" I close my eyes for a minute. That name always brings back memories of Zack and the way I betrayed him.
He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "Is there something you want Max? I was enjoying myself before you rudely interrupted--."
I grab his hand and drag him off the dance floor. We stop in front of the jukebox and an old Pearl Jam song plays through the packed bar. "You need to cover your barcode."
"I did," he says. It's true, his hair covers the barcode for now, but it was out in the open just a few minutes before.
"I mean all the time," I say. "That girl just exposed you. What if someone from Manticore or White was in here? You wouldn't stand a chance."
He laughs. "Yeah, right. I'm not afraid of getting caught, Max. Aren't you the one that always says all you want is a normal life? That's what I'm trying to do."
"By exposing us all in the process? We all want a normal life. It's not fair if you blow it for everyone because you're careless!"
"And you're not? Who runs around Seattle breaking people out of prison?"
"It's called a conscience, Alec. You wouldn't know what one is if it hit you in the face."
For a second I can swear I see hurt in his eyes, but before I have time to process the thought, his eyes go blank. "I have a conscience, Max," he says softly. "Why do you think I paid back the money for the doctor?"
"'Cause you know I'd kick your ass if you didn't."
He looks at me curiously. "You really don't get it do you?"
"Get what?"
He shakes his head. "I'm outta here. I don't have time for your crap."
"We're not finished yet!"
He turns to face me. "Max, what is the problem? I know you're not this pissed about the bar code."
I look around the bar and notice people are starting to stare at us. I take his hand again and drag him out the door. I check to make sure we're alone before I start on him again; I don't want to attract any undue attention.
"I am pissed at you, Alec," I explain. "You don't know what it's like to be me. You don't know what I went through at Manticore and how I've changed since I got out. You don't understand why it was so important for me to escape and reclaim the life I've lived since I was ten years old. I like being free," I say and gesture to the empty alley and inky sky. "I like being able to do what I want when I want to. I'm not a soldier anymore, I'm not a genetically engineered fighting machine. I like this life and I'm not going to let you take it away from me."
He cocks his head and studies me, his eyes burning into mine. I lift a hand and rub my cheek. "What?" I say. "Do I have something on my face?"
A smile curves his lips. "Max," he says. "I'm not taking anything from you."
"You will if you let people see your barcode!"
"Okay," he says. "I get the point. I'll make sure it's covered. Are we done yet?" He turns to go back inside.
It's my turn to be confused. "Why aren't you fighting me?" I ask him.
He turns on his heel and stops. "What am I supposed to be fighting?"
"You're giving in too easily. What's the deal, Alec?"
He sighs and leans back against the brick wall. "I like my life," he says quietly. "Until you, I didn't know anything but Manticore. I liked being a soldier, being genetically engineered or whatever you call it." He laughs softly. "You changed everything for me. When I got out here in the real world I realized there's a lot more to life then what Manticore taught me. I like it here; I don't want to go back to my old life."
I suck in a breath and stare at him in awe. I never knew he felt this way; I didn't think he was capable of feeling this way; I didn't think I could have such an impact on his life. But there's something about him tonight, a softening of his hard facade, that's making me look at him differently. I know I have feelings for him. . .but I never thought he had feelings for me.
~ * ~
I watch Max and Alec arguing, their hands waving through the air and their faces flushed. If I didn't know better, I'd say there's some heavy-duty foreplay going on. But I do know better. . .and it is foreplay. Each time Alec takes a step closer to Max, or she jams an accusing finger into his chest, I swear sparks fly through the air. Those two need to get it on or they're going to self-destruct. Beside me, the now single Logan, intently watches, his fists clenching as Alec gains another point. He grumbles to himself, gets up, and starts in their direction.
I put my hand on his arm and shake my head. "What?" he says. "Max needs my help."
"Not this time, sugar."
He lets out an exasperated sigh. "She has enough on her plate already. She doesn't need this kind of crap from Alec."
I look at him sadly and wonder if he's just stupid or too far in denial to know what's really going on. "They can work it out on their own."
He must have seen something in my eyes because something changes in his face; his features crumple and he slumps into his seat. "Has she said anything to you, about how she feels about him?"
I shake my head. "Nothin' I know of. But you know how good that girl is at hidin' her feelings."
I realize he's looking right past me and I turn to follow his line of vision; Max is holding Alec's hand as they leave the Crash. "I lost, didn't I?" he asks me sadly.
I reach over and pat his hand. "I don't know what's goin' on, but you need to let her figure things out."
He nods, a forlorn expression on his face. "She knows how to reach me if there's a problem."
He gets up and heads out, his shoulders drooping slightly and his head bent. I feel sorry for the man. He may be uptight and self-righteous, but he has a pure heart and he loves my boo. And tonight, that heart is being ripped out of his chest. I was only half-lying when I told Logan I don't know what's going on with Alec and Max. She's never said anything to me so I technically know nothing. . .but that doesn't mean I don't know the truth. Every time she looks at him something changes in her eyes; I can't explain it, but she's different. Yes, she may fight with him constantly and say she hates his very existence, but it's all a good cover for her real feelings. She loves him. And she's lucky he loves her too. Whenever he's with her something changes in him. I can see it in the way he looks at her, how he always switches his schedule so he can work her shift; she thinks he does it to annoy her, but I know it's because he wants to be with her.
I look towards the door, where Max and Alec disappeared just a few minutes before, and wonder if she's figured it out yet: he's perfect for her. I like Logan, I really do, but he's not the right man for her. He doesn't understand her, not the way Alec does. It's easy to say opposites attract, but there's a certain comfort only found with a person like yourself. Alec isn't like her in so many ways: he's self-centered and cocky and obnoxious, but I can see the good in him. He's kind to old ladies and small children; he goes out of his way to help Max with her "leg work"; when he makes a promise nothing can stop him from keeping it. And I see how vulnerable he is, how confused he is by the ways of the "real world." I don't know much about Manticore, just what Max told me, but I can tell it did a number on Alec too. It's like he was asleep for all his life and is waking up to learn all he ever knew is a big lie. He's afraid sometimes too; he just does a good job of hiding it.
He's so like her sometimes that it scares me. They both want to be happy so bad they can taste it. . .they're just not sure how to get there. There's this underlying neediness, a yearning for love in the two of them that Logan can't begin to understand. They're two lost souls trying to find their way in the world and they need each other to find the right path.
I grimace at how corny I my thoughts are. But it's all the truth. Alec and Max need each other. And someday, hopefully, they'll find what they need.
Just a couple things to share: some of the details of the story might not be completely accurate, i.e., the set up of the Crash, but they're all included for storyline purposes. There are no spoilers in this story and it takes place in the near future. Finally, the story is mostly from Max's perspective, but there will be a few sections where Original Cindy is the narrator. I tried to make it as clear as possible, but if anyone has any questions, feel free to email me and I'll try and explain as best I can. Please read and respond. This is my first "Dark Angel" fic, and I'm curious to know what longtime readers think of it. Most of all, I hope you enjoy!
~ * ~
"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within." - James Baldwin
~ * ~
Have you ever had one of those nights where everything changes? The kind where you wake up the next morning and close your eyes and think about how nothing really happened, but everything is different? I mean, some things are the same: the world still turns and the sun still comes up and all that cheesy stuff, but your life is never the same. I'm lying in my bed right now doing exactly that. Images of last night flash through my mind: tender hands and hot kisses and my body arching under his. I roll over and pull my pillow over my head as if I can erase what I did last night. But I can't. The evidence is all over my body: the finger shaped bruises on my wrists, the purpling bites on my breasts, the ripped clothing lying in a puddle on my bedroom floor. I don't know what happened last night. I'm not in heat; there's no explanation for my actions. Except that I wanted him. I wanted to touch that hard body, to feel him inside me. Despite my programming and genetic make up, I'm still a woman. . .and I have wants and needs like every woman does. And last night, I wanted him.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. I love Logan, right? I love his loyalty and intelligence, his kindness and heart of gold, how he doesn't give up on us even though I can't touch him. But if I love him so much, why did I sleep with the enemy? I sit up and get out of bed; it's not doing me any good to stay at the scene of the crime. I need to talk to Logan. I need to explain what happened, make him understand how sorry I am. Yet, at the same time, what do I have to be sorry for? I knew what I was doing when I slept with Alec; I wanted it as much as he did. It just felt. . .right; being with him was like coming home. But why does something so right have to be so wrong?
*** FLASHBACK ***
~ * ~
The Crash is as dark and smoky as ever, an old school, pre-pulse band playing on the jukebox and the pool table is more packed then usual. It's been a long day and all I want to do is hang with my best girl and knock back a few cold ones. Original Cindy is chilling at our table, a pitcher of the Crash's cheapest import next to her elbow and an annoyed expression on her face; she hates it when I'm late.
"Hey boo," I say with a smile as I slide in next to her. "Sorry I'm late."
"Hmmph," she grunts and drains her glass.
"Come on!" I whine. "It's been a long day. How 'bout I buy the next one?"
She puts down her glass. "Normal extra annoying today?"
I smile; my girl's back. "When is he not? He was going on and on about all the complaints Jam Pony's been getting lately. It's not my fault Alec doesn't understand the meaning of polite."
"He might not be nice, but the boy sure is beautiful."
I look up from my beer in surprise. "Since when do you care?"
"Boo, I might bat for the other team, but that doesn't mean I can't see a fine man when he comes along. Thinking about takin' advantage?"
I roll my eyes. "You know I'm with Logan."
Her eyebrows rise an inch or so. "Okay," I admit. "I should be with Logan."
She reaches over and pats my hand. "Things don't always work out the way you want them to."
I clear my throat and finish my drink. "Can we change the subject? I don't want to talk about Logan anymore."
"Too late," she says and gestures towards the door. I look over and see Logan making his way through the crowd, Asha trailing behind him.
"And he brought her," I snap.
"They're just friends, boo," Original Cindy says.
I roll my eyes again. "Right."
I wait for him to come over and say hi, but he doesn't see me. Instead he and Asha tuck themselves into a cozy corner table and start an intense discussion about god knows what.
"Well what do we have here?" Original Cindy drawls. "Look what the cat dragged in."
I look in the direction she's staring and see Alec walk through the door. I feel my face flush at the very sight of him. His clothing is simple, a t-shirt and jeans, but he looks good. And from the stares he's getting, the female patrons think so too. He goes over to the bar and rests his back against it as he slowly sips from a frosted bottle. He watches the girls as they walk by, his eyes raking their bodies from head to toe. One in particular catches his eye, a short blonde with a body like a brick house. A slow, steady smile curves his lips and he grips the edges of the bar, the muscles of his biceps bulging under the thin cotton of his shirt.
She eases up next to him at the bar, shaking her hips slightly as she orders. Even from this distance I can see his eyes darken with appreciation. He starts up a conversation with her and she laughs. Then she raises one hand slides it around his bicep. I can imagine she's making comments about what big muscles he has and Alec is eating it up. After a minute or two of conversation he takes her hand and leads her to the makeshift dance floor. I watch her body curve into his and feel something foreign prick the back of my throat. "You're not jealous," I tell myself. "You hate Alec. He's impolite and rude and selfish and annoying." I try to look away but my gaze locks with his; he winks at me over the girl's head.
"If looks could kill that chica would be dead," Original Cindy says softly. "I thought you hated him." I don't even realize I'm glaring at them until she points it out.
"I do."
"You know, they say there's a thin line between love and hate."
"Then it's good I know what side I'm on."
"You gotta work this out with him, boo."
"There's nothing to work out. We're. . .friends, I guess."
"Or maybe there's more."
"What are you talking about?" I ask, not liking the too knowing smile curving her lips.
She leans closer and puts on her most know-it-all voice. "You like him."
"I do not!"
"It's not a bad thing. There are worse ones you could pick."
"It's not that. As soon as I kick this virus thing Logan and I will be together the way we should be."
"Uh huh," she says doubtfully and takes a sip of her beer. She waves to Sketchy and he waves back as he comes over to us. I trace a bead of moisture on my glass and pout.
"What's the deal with you two?" he asks as he straddles a chair across from me. I glare at her and cross my arms over my chest.
"Just a little girl talk," Original Cindy explains. "Nothin' to worry about." She pinches me under the table, a sign that I need to at least pretend everything's okay.
He pours himself a beer and starts bitching about Normal and Jam Pony and the irate customers he had to deal with today. I try to pay attention and even manage to make a comment or two, but I can't take my eyes off Alec and the girl.
He pulls her closer and she buries her face in the curve of his neck. I can see her tongue slip out and trace a slow circle over his throat. He slides his hands lower and cups her bottom; they're borderline indecent. They turn slowly, their bodies swaying to the music. She's facing me, but she's too busy sucking on his neck for me to see her face; but I can see her hands running up and down his back. My hand tightens around my glass and I push it away before the force of my grip shatters it. I can't take my eyes off them. I want to look away, to think about other things. . .but I can't. Alec has gotten under my skin and he's driving me nuts.
I don't understand what's happening to me. I'm supposed to love Logan; didn't I just choose him over Zack? When I made it out of Manticore again I had such high hopes about life in Seattle. Logan and I would be together, maybe we'd even settle down at some point, think about starting a family. Maybe I'll finally be normal. But as usual, things didn't work out the way I intended. I have a virus that prevents me from touching the man I think I love and a lot of unresolved feelings for the man I think I hate.
I watch him with that slut of a girl and wish I were the one in his arms. I've only known him a few months but I feel like I've known him forever. Maybe it's because he looks so much like Ben; maybe it's because he understands me. Yes, scarily, on some level he knows what makes me tick. He's been through Manticore, he knows what it's like. I can see the changes in him, changes he's made since he met me. He's not as selfish and narcissistic as he was when I first met him. He paid back the money he owed me after all. He's slowly learning about compassion and selflessness; about doing right by others and finding gratification in it; that other people matter and it's sometimes necessary to put others above yourself. I like him better now; I don't want to, but I do. He's nothing but trouble, an accident waiting to happen. He flaunts his barcode like a big "fuck you" to Manticore, but someday it's going to catch up with him.
The girl runs her fingers through his hair, her hand caressing the back of his neck and baring his barcode to anyone in sight. Instead of flinching, like he does when I touch him there, he slides his hands down her sides and squeezes. I can't take it anymore. I put my glass down with a load thump. He's endangering me, Joshua, Zack, all my siblings by allowing people to know he's Manticore. Nothing means more to me then protecting the people I love. And Alec needs to know that.
I storm over to him and angrily grab his arm. "We need to talk."
The girl looks up with haughty eyes. "We're kind of busy here."
He wraps an arm around her shoulders and drags her against his side. She snuggles into him, laying her head on his shoulder. "Amber and I are just getting acquainted."
I tighten my grip on his bicep. "Not now. Alec, let's go." Amber eyes dart between Alec and me, trying to figure out what's going on between us. Her eyes widen a bit and I can see fear spark there. I feel bad for her. She's an innocent girl caught in someone else's problem. She pulls out of his grasp and takes a step back.
"You know Alec, we don't really know each other that well. Maybe we should just do this another time. . ." She trails off and slips out from under his arm, taking off at a run and disappearing into the crowd.
He frowns slightly, but doesn't say anything. "Nice pick," I comment.
He shrugs his shoulders. "She's okay. Nothing special. I've had better."
I glare at him. "I can't believe that's how you view women. You are such a misogynist pig!"
"Those are some fighting words, Maxie."
"Don't call me that!" I close my eyes for a minute. That name always brings back memories of Zack and the way I betrayed him.
He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "Is there something you want Max? I was enjoying myself before you rudely interrupted--."
I grab his hand and drag him off the dance floor. We stop in front of the jukebox and an old Pearl Jam song plays through the packed bar. "You need to cover your barcode."
"I did," he says. It's true, his hair covers the barcode for now, but it was out in the open just a few minutes before.
"I mean all the time," I say. "That girl just exposed you. What if someone from Manticore or White was in here? You wouldn't stand a chance."
He laughs. "Yeah, right. I'm not afraid of getting caught, Max. Aren't you the one that always says all you want is a normal life? That's what I'm trying to do."
"By exposing us all in the process? We all want a normal life. It's not fair if you blow it for everyone because you're careless!"
"And you're not? Who runs around Seattle breaking people out of prison?"
"It's called a conscience, Alec. You wouldn't know what one is if it hit you in the face."
For a second I can swear I see hurt in his eyes, but before I have time to process the thought, his eyes go blank. "I have a conscience, Max," he says softly. "Why do you think I paid back the money for the doctor?"
"'Cause you know I'd kick your ass if you didn't."
He looks at me curiously. "You really don't get it do you?"
"Get what?"
He shakes his head. "I'm outta here. I don't have time for your crap."
"We're not finished yet!"
He turns to face me. "Max, what is the problem? I know you're not this pissed about the bar code."
I look around the bar and notice people are starting to stare at us. I take his hand again and drag him out the door. I check to make sure we're alone before I start on him again; I don't want to attract any undue attention.
"I am pissed at you, Alec," I explain. "You don't know what it's like to be me. You don't know what I went through at Manticore and how I've changed since I got out. You don't understand why it was so important for me to escape and reclaim the life I've lived since I was ten years old. I like being free," I say and gesture to the empty alley and inky sky. "I like being able to do what I want when I want to. I'm not a soldier anymore, I'm not a genetically engineered fighting machine. I like this life and I'm not going to let you take it away from me."
He cocks his head and studies me, his eyes burning into mine. I lift a hand and rub my cheek. "What?" I say. "Do I have something on my face?"
A smile curves his lips. "Max," he says. "I'm not taking anything from you."
"You will if you let people see your barcode!"
"Okay," he says. "I get the point. I'll make sure it's covered. Are we done yet?" He turns to go back inside.
It's my turn to be confused. "Why aren't you fighting me?" I ask him.
He turns on his heel and stops. "What am I supposed to be fighting?"
"You're giving in too easily. What's the deal, Alec?"
He sighs and leans back against the brick wall. "I like my life," he says quietly. "Until you, I didn't know anything but Manticore. I liked being a soldier, being genetically engineered or whatever you call it." He laughs softly. "You changed everything for me. When I got out here in the real world I realized there's a lot more to life then what Manticore taught me. I like it here; I don't want to go back to my old life."
I suck in a breath and stare at him in awe. I never knew he felt this way; I didn't think he was capable of feeling this way; I didn't think I could have such an impact on his life. But there's something about him tonight, a softening of his hard facade, that's making me look at him differently. I know I have feelings for him. . .but I never thought he had feelings for me.
~ * ~
I watch Max and Alec arguing, their hands waving through the air and their faces flushed. If I didn't know better, I'd say there's some heavy-duty foreplay going on. But I do know better. . .and it is foreplay. Each time Alec takes a step closer to Max, or she jams an accusing finger into his chest, I swear sparks fly through the air. Those two need to get it on or they're going to self-destruct. Beside me, the now single Logan, intently watches, his fists clenching as Alec gains another point. He grumbles to himself, gets up, and starts in their direction.
I put my hand on his arm and shake my head. "What?" he says. "Max needs my help."
"Not this time, sugar."
He lets out an exasperated sigh. "She has enough on her plate already. She doesn't need this kind of crap from Alec."
I look at him sadly and wonder if he's just stupid or too far in denial to know what's really going on. "They can work it out on their own."
He must have seen something in my eyes because something changes in his face; his features crumple and he slumps into his seat. "Has she said anything to you, about how she feels about him?"
I shake my head. "Nothin' I know of. But you know how good that girl is at hidin' her feelings."
I realize he's looking right past me and I turn to follow his line of vision; Max is holding Alec's hand as they leave the Crash. "I lost, didn't I?" he asks me sadly.
I reach over and pat his hand. "I don't know what's goin' on, but you need to let her figure things out."
He nods, a forlorn expression on his face. "She knows how to reach me if there's a problem."
He gets up and heads out, his shoulders drooping slightly and his head bent. I feel sorry for the man. He may be uptight and self-righteous, but he has a pure heart and he loves my boo. And tonight, that heart is being ripped out of his chest. I was only half-lying when I told Logan I don't know what's going on with Alec and Max. She's never said anything to me so I technically know nothing. . .but that doesn't mean I don't know the truth. Every time she looks at him something changes in her eyes; I can't explain it, but she's different. Yes, she may fight with him constantly and say she hates his very existence, but it's all a good cover for her real feelings. She loves him. And she's lucky he loves her too. Whenever he's with her something changes in him. I can see it in the way he looks at her, how he always switches his schedule so he can work her shift; she thinks he does it to annoy her, but I know it's because he wants to be with her.
I look towards the door, where Max and Alec disappeared just a few minutes before, and wonder if she's figured it out yet: he's perfect for her. I like Logan, I really do, but he's not the right man for her. He doesn't understand her, not the way Alec does. It's easy to say opposites attract, but there's a certain comfort only found with a person like yourself. Alec isn't like her in so many ways: he's self-centered and cocky and obnoxious, but I can see the good in him. He's kind to old ladies and small children; he goes out of his way to help Max with her "leg work"; when he makes a promise nothing can stop him from keeping it. And I see how vulnerable he is, how confused he is by the ways of the "real world." I don't know much about Manticore, just what Max told me, but I can tell it did a number on Alec too. It's like he was asleep for all his life and is waking up to learn all he ever knew is a big lie. He's afraid sometimes too; he just does a good job of hiding it.
He's so like her sometimes that it scares me. They both want to be happy so bad they can taste it. . .they're just not sure how to get there. There's this underlying neediness, a yearning for love in the two of them that Logan can't begin to understand. They're two lost souls trying to find their way in the world and they need each other to find the right path.
I grimace at how corny I my thoughts are. But it's all the truth. Alec and Max need each other. And someday, hopefully, they'll find what they need.