Disclaimer: I don't own any of this! The only thing that I made up was, well… you'll understand when you read it.
Author's Note: Totally random, I know. I just thought I had to write this. Reviews are appreciated!
"Oh you may not think I'm pretty,
But don't judge on what you see,
I'll eat myself if you can find
A smarter hat than me.
You can keep your bowlers black,
Your top hats sleek and tall,
For I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat
And I can cap them all.
There's nothing hidden in your head
The Sorting Hat can't see,
So try me on and I will tell you
Where you ought to be.
You might belong in Gryffindor,
Where dwell the brave at heart,
Their daring, nerve and chivalry
Set Gryffindors apart;
You might belong in Hufflepuff,
Where they are just and loyal,
Those patient Hufflepuffs are true
And unafraid of toil;
Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,
If you've a ready mind,
Where those of wit and learning,
Will always find their kind;
Or perhaps in Slytherin
You'll make your real friends,
Those cunning folk use any means
To achieve their ends.
So put me on! Don't be afraid!
And don't get in a flap!
You're in safe hands (though I have none)
For I'm a Thinking Cap!
The whole hall burst into applause as the hat finished its song. It bowed to each of the four tables and then became quite still again.
"So we've just got to try on the hat!" Ron whispered to Harry. "I'll kill Fred, he was going on about wrestling a troll."
Harry smiled weakly. Yes, trying on the hat was a lot better than having to do a spell, but he did wish they could have tried it on without everyone watching. The hat seemed to be asking rather a lot; Harry didn't feel brave or quick witted or any of it at the moment. If only the hat had mentioned a House for people who felt a bit queasy, that would have been the one for him.
Student after student tried on the hat and got sorted, until there weren't many people left.
"Moon"…, "Nott"…, "Parkinson"…, "and then a pair of twin girls, "Patil" and "Patil"…, then "Perks, Sally Anne"…, and then, at last-
"Potter, Harry!"
As Harry stepped forward, whispers suddenly broke out like little hissing fires all over the hall. The last thing Harry saw before the hat dropped over his eyes was the hall full of people trying to get a good look at him. The next second he was looking at the black inside of the hat. He waited.
"Hmm," said a small voice in his ear. "Difficult. Very difficult. Plenty of courage, I see. Not a bad mind either. There's talent, oh my goodness, yes- and a nice thirst to prove yourself, now that's interesting… So where shall I put you?"
Harry gripped the edge of the stool and thought, Not Slytherin, not Slytherin.
"Not Slytherin, eh?" said the small voice rather angrily. "And who the hell are you to tell me where you're going to go? I am so sick and tired of you bratty kids always putting in requests. There's a reason why I'm called the SORTING HAT, okay? It's because I sort you, not the other way around! Come to think of it, why did the founders even make me-"
Harry tried to protest and apologize but the hat was having none of it.
"-When you kids are so hell bent on getting your own way? Those snotty little purebloods always go "Slytherin" and then the rest of you are always going "Gryffindor"! You know what, I've had enough! HUFFLEPUFF!"
The hall was met with silence.
As Harry meekly took off the fuming hat and shuffled to the Hufflepuff table, he really did wish he'd just shut up.
AN: Thanks for reading!