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"Cover my eyes. Cover my ears. Tell me these words are a lie. It can't be true. That I'm losing you. The sun cannot fall from the sky."
Those were the words you sung to me. The tears poured down your cheeks as you gripped my hand tightly. You were trying to be strong. Oh so strong for me. You spent all your time like this. Just sitting there by my bedside. Your sad brown eyes pouring into mine. I tried to smile at you
But I couldn't.
I wanted to smile, to tell you everything would be okay.
But, it wouldn't.
Everything wouldn't be fine. I knew. You knew too. You were just trying to kid yourself on really.
You knew I was going to die.
It never happens though, right? That's what you'd said when you found out. People get better. They don't die. Your voice broke as you tried to get those words out. You know that's not the case for me though. I'm stuck in this useless body. This body so ridden with illness it's hurt us both.
It was killing me slowly
Just seeing you like this.
This may have been killing me physically. But that didn't matter. It was you that I cared about. I was dying. You weren't. Yet you were most upset about it. The emotional pain was completely destroying you.
That's when I began to wonder
If you were like this now. How would you cope when I was gone?
Slowly I got weaker and weaker. So weak I couldn't even squeeze your hand as comfort. My broken body could do nothing. Just watch as you suffered. Although I was broken you still stayed. Stayed by my side everyday sing those beautiful words to me.
"I won't let you fly. I won't say goodbye. I won't let you slip away from me."
I wanted to believe your words so badly. I think you did too. I didn't want to go. You didn't want me to go
But I had too.
So it happened
It was strange. I never really believed in heaven or hell. But they're real, believe me. The angels told me I belonged here. I belonged in heaven with them. I wanted to stay at first. It was beautiful. More beautiful than anything you can ever imagine.
But it was nothing without you
They told me I could return to you. To watch over you. They understood just how much you meant to me just by seeing my expression.
So I returned
I now wonder if that was a mistake.
I thought it would be great. Great to see your beautiful face again. Being able to watch over you and protect you completely.
What I saw wasn't the Dan I knew. Your beautiful brown eyes had lost their shine. That little spark of life that I adored. Nothing about you was the same. All you did was cry and cry and cry. You just sang those words over and over to yourself
"Can you hear heaven cry? The tears of an angel"
The words were muffled as they left your lips. The tears soaked the sheets you were curled up in. you just lay there for days on end. Cry and singing to yourself in my bed. Did you think laying there would really help? You just wanted to cling onto the only piece you had left of me.
I continued to watch you stick to this vicious cycle. I even sang along with you. Sat beside you in my room and sang those sweet words. I wished you could hear me, fell me. Even just see me. I wanted to help you so much but I couldn't. I hoped somehow I could comfort you
But it was impossible
I think that's when the letters started. You were forced to go to therapy. I think it was PJ's idea. He only wanted to help . To try get back the old Dan that everyone loved. That I loved. You probably hadn't noticed but everyone around you was hurting. Everyone has hurting so, so much. Your therapist told you to write letters. To write everything you wanted to say to me. I don't think you would have if you knew I would read them. You always liked to pretend to be strong. You always wanted to appear as if nothing got to you. I knew the true you though. I used to tell you, you were my big strong Danosaur. Remember that?
You wrote about how you missed me. How you would do anything to have me here. How you wished it was you instead of me. I can't even say how much that hurt. It hurt to know just how much pain you were in.
So this letter is the only way I can tell you Dan. You're going to think your crazy. Waking up and finding a letter from your dead boyfriend. I would think I was crazy too if I were you. I will always watch over you. Always love you. Just remember that. Please Dan, don't hurt yourself over me anymore.
So hold on
Be strong
Everyday we'll go on
I'm here, don't fear.
Little one
Don't let go