our golden scars
"Hi", she says.
He looks up, she's there, looking at him like he's just normal.
"Hi", he says.
She smiles, a little.
"I'm Maïa."
"Van", he says, smiling a little.
His teeth are worrying the inside of his cheek. That's how he meets Jason's cousin, Maïa. She's pretty, he thinks, little and tiny next to him. She laughs a lot, with a little sound, not making too much noise. She doesn't blush even if she gets embarrassed easily. She's smart and funny and is sarcastic as hell. She smokes with them, not too much, it makes her sleepy. She doesn't drink too much and when she does, she looks him in the eyes, with her bright ones and he can swear there's gold in her irises. Maïa is bright, with blond hair and clear green eyes and white skin. There are freckles on her shoulders, on her nose, on her cheekbones.
Flip loves Maïa. They all know it, Maïa knows it, she told him, times ago, she won't love him but Flip just does. Maïa says one day, she'll break his heart. Van nods because even if she doesn't want to do it, she'll have to. She doesn't say a lot because everything is written in her eyes. Sometimes, when she falls asleep because of the weed, he lets his fingers trace the lines of her face. He loves her nose, it's like a button of rose, just perfect, like all her face. Once, he asked Jason if he was sure Maïa was really from his family. Sometimes, she puts her head on his thighs and he says nothing, just lets his fingers get lost in her locks. Her hair is long, she's always flipping it over her shoulder, an annoyed look on her face.
"If you like Maïa, just go for it", says Flip.
Van looks at him, biting his cheek. He raises an eyebrow.
"I need her to move on."
Van just shrugs, saying yeah, whatever dude. He thinks about Doug, who is dead because his father couldn't accept him. Van thinks, maybe Flip will die because Maïa won't accept him. He thinks, maybe I'll kill someone again. He takes a long drag of the joint and his thoughts disappear in the smoke.
Maïa doesn't like water, she doesn't like her hair getting wet and it is so long she can't go swimming. But Maïa likes taking the sun, to lie on the pond, closing her eyes and just listen to the boys swimming. She feels someone climbing next to her, hears drops of water falling on the floor. She knows the someone is lying next to her now.
"You never talk ?"
She smiles, her eyes closed. It's Van. Pretty, handsome, smart, tortured Van. His eyes are full of melancholia which had washed his eyes, made them lose their colors. Van is sad. Van thinks a lot. Van smiles sometimes, it's little, you have to look for it, to know the sign, it's in the crook of his mouth, in the color of his lips, in the blue of his eyes. Van makes her feel free and trapped. Van makes her feel like one day, everything will be fine. Van makes her think of happiness with his blond hair and black thoughts.
"I have nothing to say."
His hand is close to hers and her fingers slip between his. Their hands are back to back, it's just fingers intertwined.
"Maïa ?" he whispers.
She turns her head, opening her eyes, finding his. She sees the smile on his face, his wet hair dripping on the wood, his eyes closing. She tightens her fingers on his and turns her head against the sun. She'll burn before she lets his fingers go.
One day, they are alone because Flip and Jason are doing their thing. She says, we'll go to your house, Van. She takes his hand, she says, we'll be fine, Van. And he believes her, leading her to his home, leading her to his father. She's wearing jean short, making her skin looks like gold, shining. Her hair is flying and when she looks at him, she smiles softly. He lightens a cigarette because she makes him nervous. She doesn't seem to want anything from him, she just accepts what he gives. He doesn't know what to make of that, what to make of Maïa. They enter his house and his father is there, as always.
"Hi, sir", she says.
And Maïa is in his home and she's smiling and she's greeting his father. They go to his room and she sits on his bed. She grips the waistband of his pants, getting him closer to her and making him fall next to her. She tugs at the hem of his shirt so he gets rid of it. Her hand finds his tattoo, touching his chest. He watches her, watching him. Her green eyes on his body.
"Where did you get all of this ?"
"I did some of them, some friends do the others", he shrugs, his voice low.
He doesn't know why he's talking like that but this girl is a doll and he's afraid to break her.
"Would you do one on me ?"
She tends him her wrist, putting it on his hands. His thumb grazes the skin, white almost transparent. She wants him to taint her, to corrupt her beauty, her perfection, to soil her white skin.
"I don't know, Maïa, you don't need that, you're too-"
Soon, she's on his laps, her hands on his cheeks, making him look in her eyes.
"I thought you were different, I thought you saw."
He lets his nose touch hers before he kisses her.
"I see you, Maïa", he says, "I see you."
Her arms sneak around his neck, her hands gripping his hair, kissing him, just by pushing her lips against his.
"I want to mark your smile on me, Van."
His hands get rid of her top before he pushes her on the bed, kissing her, his hands roaming on her stomach as hers are lost in his hair, bringing him to her mouth. It's never close enough, they're still too much apart. He buries his nose in her neck, his arms sneaking in her back, bringing her skin against him, hugging her. Her arms are pushing his head against her because they need it, they need to be close, the closer possible.
He feels her heart beating against him, the same quick pace as his.
"I like you", she whispers.
He kisses her neck.
"I want to mark the gold of your eyes on my skin."
When he thinks about Maïa, all he sees is gold. The golden paillettes in her irises, the gold of her tanned skin, the gold of her name, the gold of her heart. He knows she'll leave, soon, he's not in love but Maïa is pulling him near, it's an attraction, his eyes can't help but look for her gold. He needs this gold on his skin, this perfection, to remember it exists.
Van is angry. All the time. She knows he is. He looks like an animal sometimes, pacing, smoking, his eyes lost, getting angry over little things. She's afraid. He doesn't seem to control his anger, she's afraid. He's swearing on some pricks who just throw things in the lake. She knows he has a right to be angry but the way he's doing it is frightening her. He's like an alpha, like an animal, not like Van who whispers sweet words in her neck, in her ear, in her hair. One of the guys must have said the wrong thing because Van is on him, pushing him.
"Van", she says slowly, gripping the waistband of his pants, "come on."
He glances at her, backs off. He tightens his jaw and goes. She watches his back retract, wonder if he's angry with her or if it's just life.
"Don't you worry, girl, he'll come around", says Flip, his arm on her shoulders.
He leads her to their amount of dirt where is the trunk tree where she sits. Flip and Jason are playing in the water, smoking. She smokes too and laughs but Van is still in her mind. Maybe he marks her with his anger instead of his smile. Maybe she's again falling in the path of liking the angered, the weak, the fascinating. She taps the butt of the cig, making ashes fall on her knees. She crushes it with her index, they're all be ashes in the end anyway. She takes one more drag.
Van is in sweater, his blue as night one. She loves this sweater, it makes him look softer. They're going to a bar, she goes on the bike with Jason, Van with Flip. Her hair is flying in the wind and all he sees is gold again. He thinks he should stop thinking about her, her skin beneath his fingers. They are at the party and he sees, for the first time, Maïa uncomfortable. Guys are looking at her, the smell of alcohol in the air and her eyes find his, pleading. He grabs her hand, pulling her against him, whispers it's okay, Maïa, I got you and they go.
"Why do you like me", he says, lightening his cigarette, his eyes on the floor.
She's next to him, her eyes glancing at his face before she drops them, her head slowly falling against his arm.
"The stories in your eyes."
He glances at her, what does she know anyway. She's just Jason's cousin, just a little and tiny girl, just Maïa. She's just Maïa, the tiniest star in the sky. She's just Maïa and it's almost everything. His fingers find hers.
"You'll go at the end of the summer."
She nods against his arm, her eyes closing. It's stupid really, looking into his eyes for the first time and falling. It's so easy, effortless as easy and quick as blinking.
"Why were you so afraid in the bar ?"
"My Dad drinks, it's making him a mess", she whispers.
"Mine too", he says.
She is silent, she doesn't ask questions so she doesn't say where is your mom, Van ? tell me Van, who broke your heart ? who put all this doubt in your approach. She just leaves her eyes closed, her fingers gripping, tightening on his. He puts the cigarette on her mouth, the tip of his fingers pushing against her lips. She takes a long drag and when she opens her eyes, the sky is full of stars.
"What if I don't leave at the end of the summer ?",she whispers, blowing smoke.
Tell me, Van, what if I end up loving you so much that I'll stay here, tell me, Van, would you be weak ?
"You'll leave", he says, lowly, sadly.
He doesn't add, they all did. His Mum left, Julie left, Maïa will, she's not different. She dreams bigger than Van, bigger than the lake, bigger than his father's broken legs. He doesn't blame her, he just doesn't have dreams, except maybe make his father happy. He's not ambitious, he's not demanding, he doesn't need amount of money. He may just need gold.
She slips against the wall, sitting, staring at her hands. Maybe she's just the girl of the summer, the one he likes for the month. It's okay, it really is. She can live with that, knowing she's just the divertissement of the summer for him, something that change from the rest of the year. She'll take everything she can, she'll burn her wings, she'll enjoy what they have the present days. She'll see later.
"Van ?"
He looks down to her, takes a breath and lowers next to her.
"Can I sleep with you tonight ?"
Maïa is with Jason and only Jason. Van doesn't know, he never thought to ask. Maïa doesn't talk a lot, well, she talks but she doesn't ask personal question, neither does she talk personal. So it's like she's not talking a lot. Van knows that it's her silence that talks for Maïa, it's in the way she moves her head, in the way she plays with her fingers. Maïa has big green eyes which see everything and are like an open book for him. He smokes.
"Yeah", he says.
She wants to party, staying here is making her sad and she knows that his thoughts mustn't be that happy. She gets up, taking his hand in hers, helping him getting up too.
"Come on, Van, no time to be brooding."
She smiles, a dimple on her cheek. She throws his cigarette on the floor and pushes her mouth against his, her hands in his, gripping. They go inside, music screaming but Van's hand is in hers, she has nothing to fear. Flip and Jason are drinking beers and Jason smiles, seeing them arrive.
"I want beer, boys", she says, "Van wants one too."
And she's smiling and the only thing he sees is the way her eyes flicker to him, the way every time their eyes met, the little dimple makes an apparition. The end of the summer is closer, they're running to their end. He knows he'll just miss her in a month but when the smile on her face widens, he can't help but smiles back.
Maïa is happy, lying in Van's bed. Van says, my father might call me, Van says, my room isn't great, Van says, you're beautiful. Soon, they're face to face, on their knees on the bed. His hand is on her cheek, his thumb grazing her lips.
"Maïa", he says and she presses her lips against his.
"Scar me with your smile, Van", she says, against his lips.
He's pushing her on the mattress and devours her. He leaves his smile everywhere on her skin, marking her neck. Her green eyes are dying his blue ones, her gold is his and under his hands, it melts.
Van, she hears, she hears his name, like a growl. She turns, her hand finding warm sheets. Van is gone, she feels, Van isn't there anymore. She keeps her eyes close and despite the hotness of the night, she wraps herself in the sheets. Van, it says, in her head, in her body, in her heart, in her ear, on her skin, everything screams his name, nothing indicates his presence.
Maïa, he whispers, his hand looking for her. But Maïa isn't here because he's in his Dad's bed. He gets up, goes to his room and Maïa is sleeping, the sheets all over her. Some locks are scattered on the pillow and when he slips in the bed, when he takes away some of the sheets from her face, he sees dry tears on her cheeks. She opens her eyes, they're red.
"I dreamed you were gone", she whispers, her hand touching his cheek.
"I was", he says.
She lowers her eyes, she doesn't deserve his nights, only his bed. He kisses her, bringing their bodies closer under the sheets. Maïa, Van says, I told you, my father called, he says, Maïa, Maïa. Her name is like a lullaby in his mouth, just made to make her sleep and forget.
Maïa's face is the best thing on Earth. He's just drinking her beauty, thinking. Maïa is not his, she'll never be. Maïa has dreams, she talks about them sometimes, in a low voice, when the night has already eaten them. She talks about traveling, about law, about holidays. Maïa knows a lot of things and when someone notices it, she shrugs. Maïa loves the wind on her face, she hates the cold. Maïa opens her eyes and all he sees is sorrow. He's breaking her, Van thinks, he's breaking perfect, golden, Maïa. In a blink, she's just smiles, gold and brightness but nevertheless, he saw.
"I see you, Maïa", he says.
But this time, it's like it's worrying her, lines appearing on her forehead and for the first time, Van thinks, Maïa has a flaw, Maïa is hiding something. She's getting dressed, putting a white dress on. He lightens a cigarette, watching her. Are you lying to me, doll ? are you ? Tell me, Maïa, am I beginning to really see you ? he thinks and thinks. She falls on the bed and she looks like an angel. Her eyes are closed but her hands find him.
"Why aren't you running, Van ?", she whispers.
"I prefer swimming."
He knows it's not what she's asking but he can hide behind words too, he can protect her.
Van is watching her, she knows he does and she's afraid. Soon, he'll know, soon he'll know she's not as golden as he says she is. Soon, he'll know the gold is just to cover the scars. Soon, he'll run. Van is wild, like the smile and the faces he does, like the way he moves and doesn't seem afraid of nothing. Van is wild and she likes, loves, adores it. She feels possessed like a marionette, Van controls her every move. She moves when he does, she cries when he's hurt, she shivers when he's cold. She'll be gone in a week and Van is breaking her heart because he doesn't even look at her anymore.
"Van", she says, grabbing the back of his shirt.
They're buying grocery for his dad. He stops and she feels her heart hammering in her chest.
"Talk to me", she says, she whispers, she pleads, she begs.
He turns, his eyes in hers and she sees he's struggling.
"I'll talk when you'll talk", he says and goes.
She stays in the alley, little tiny golden Maïa, tears on her cheeks.
Maïa is jealous, Van didn't know but Maïa is. There's these girls Jason brings and one of them is talking with him. He thinks nothing about her, the girl knows about swimming, the girl is talking to him and Maïa isn't. So he talks to her but even if this girl is in front of his eyes, Maïa is in his bloodstream, in his veins, in his head, on his skin. Later, the girls are gone, Maïa and Flip and Jason too and he's alone in his house.
"I'm falling for you", she says, entering in his room.
She's playing with her fingers, her eyes on the floor. She's really pretty and she's like the sun, she's shining.
"Don't stop talking to me", she says, her voice broken.
He grabs her hand, crashing her body in his, hugging her, her head in the crook of his neck, her tears wetting his skin. She talks about her father, she loves her father, he just screwed up everything by drinking and she loves him even if he doesn't remember her half the time, even if he says she's too fat and ugly, even when he's breaking her heart all the time. She talks about her Mum, who is pretty and married another man, a nice one, a man who doesn't bring shame on them. Maïa doesn't like him because he's not her Daddy, because his Daddy still loves her Mum and it's breaking his heart. Maïa says she is afraid of being weak, like her father is. Maïa says she's afraid Van is weak. Maïa says she's afraid of falling for someone weak. Maïa says she's falling anyway.
"I like you", he says, kissing her tears away.
He never broke Maïa, she already was. The gold in her, he can see it, because she has failures. It's the broken Maïa who makes him see the Golden Maïa. I see you, Maïa and it's blinding. He grabs what he uses to do tattoo and says, come Maïa, I'm going to mark you. She sits on the bed, gives him her wrist and smiles.
"What do you want ?"
"I want your smile", she says.
He makes her fall on the mattress, her hair spilling like a halo. He takes her wrist and starts working, her eyes closed. He talks, says his Mum is gone because his Dad doesn't have legs anymore, he talks about Doug who is dead, he says he kills him, Van says, he had gone to jail for 9 months this year, Van says, he doesn't have projects, Van says, he likes her, Van says, one day, maybe, someone will stay, Van says, it's done.
On her wrist, there is smile written everywhere and all those smiles make Van. When you're looking at it, it's just Van written on her wrist but if you look you can see there is "smile" written in tiny, constituting his name. She looks at him and he looks at her and he smiles and it's enough for her. He lays a bandage on her wrist, he says it'll stay forever, he says, forever. She kisses him and she smiles too.
So anyone out there ? I want to thank Zen for her help, you're precious, girl. Any thoughts ?