Fog and the Flame - Ch 1
It was another day. I sit my bag down and quickly do a mental catch up. I'm in the clubroom, the entire day went by without me catching on to most of it. My bag's loaded with work to finish tonight, so at least I was aware enough to do that.
Not every day, but some days I just seem to breeze through them without anything sticking. I wish that was intentional, but really everything just gets foggy. I have a bad day and the following day I barely comprehend what happens. This is a 'following' day.
I pull myself together, everyone here knows that Natsuki is a rowdy girl made of fire. I don't want them poking into my business because "little" Natsuki didn't eat since yesterday and was having trouble spacing out. Who knows what they'd think of me then, but sometimes it's like this. I try so hard to keep off Papa's radar but he's unpredictable. One bad day at work and some stupid decisions and the ice I'm standing on breaks through.
Shaking my head I run my hands down my uniform to double check that I'm not as disheveled on the outside as I feel inside. Nothing out of place and my bruises from last night were out of the way, just a small patch on my back from being pushed into my room and a bruised shoulder. Both completely hidden and unlikely to bring attention today, at least. I think I'm all together, now why didn't I think to stash any snacks in the clubroom in case something like this happened? Why didn't I get a bigger lunch yesterday before Papa went and took my lunch money and threw me to bed without dinner?
You didn't know.
You couldn't have known.
You should have known.
Prepare better.
Just the other day you were tossing snacks around when you could have held onto them for today.
Idiot.
Shut up.
"Is everything okay, Natsuki?"
A shiver began to run down my spine before I stopped myself and tried to hide it by spinning around to see Yuri behind me. I must have zoned out completely again, she startled me.
"O-oh! Hey, Yuri. When did you decide to show up, I've been waiting for you all fo-.." I quickly realize that literally everyone is here already. I'm sure I was the first one here; How long was I looking myself over? Good going, Natsuki. You probably looked crazy just standing there straightening out my uniform. Who knows what they're thinking now.
"I mean, I was! When are we getting started around here?" I try to throw on some bravado but I can't come up with the right tone or inflection to use here, I've really stumbled.
"I'm sorry, I'm not sure when Monika wants us to start sharing today, I just wanted to grab my tea set." Yuri says as she points behind me towards the closeted set.
I let out a sigh before stepping out of the way. It's a relief that she didn't actually notice me doing anything out of the ordinary, but that's just like Yuri. It figures that I'd be invisible to her unless I was upsetting her or in the way.
I want someone to care.
Shut up, it's better this way.
You've made it through most of today, it's good she didn't notice.
And why would she care, why should any of them care?
Yuri is always lost in her dumb pretentious books.
Sayori is an airhead floating too high to see me all the way down here
And Monika is always lost in thought over how to 'entertain' or 'expand' the club.
I'm just not important enough in the first place.
If I was worth caring about they'd have noticed
"Oh is Natsuki half starved and hiding bruises again"
But no.
Just like every other day, no one notices.
Shut up.
Make it through today, maybe there's something to eat at home.
Maybe Papa's forgotten again and I can just make something to eat and go to bed before anything else happens.
"By the way-" As Yuri pulls out her supplies she turns to me. "I brought my own snacks if you wanted any. I, um, thought you might like something sweet while we share our poems. Since you provided snacks last time for Sayori. I thought that was nice of you."
I blink attempting to remember how I should respond, but she's already sitting down the set and digging through a small lunch box beside her seat. I act casually as I meet her at the table and sit nearby as she pulls out a few treats. Nothing special, just some vending machine fodder and what looks like half a sandwich from her lunch. And an orange juice from the machines, and a small salad from the lunch selection. She still had all that in her box?
This is a bit more than I expected.
"I, eheh, I mean if you're offering, Yuri. I wouldn't mind a treat while we read."
Smooth.
I think?
Yuri didn't seem to notice anything strange.
I don't think I could be more relieved right now.
Getting through today will be easier than I thought.
I should thank her, this is too nice.
Shut up, that will just bring attention to things.
She's being nice.
Shut up.
Thoughtful of her.
"Well, of course. I just, well I wasn't very hungry and I had this on hand. I figured you might like something since you skipped lunch today." Her eyes slowly turned away from me and towards her tea instead. "Err, which I only happened to notice accidentally. I'm sure you had a reason to skip lunch today, but I just thought-"
Yuri reached out and grabbed her pitcher and stood up, "-er..That I'll definitely need water to make tea, what a silly thing to overlook! I'll be right back. Um.. Dig in?" With that, Yuri ran off to the hall.
After taking a quick glance towards the other two girls only to see that Monika and Sayori were deep in conversation right now, I quickly scooped up Yuri's sandwich and took a bite as I reached for her orange juice. In this moment I don't think anything could taste better than this simple turkey on rye.
Before I knew it I'd finished the bulk of Yuri's gift and was in the middle of finishing off the salad before Monika spoke up.
"Alright, everyone! Let's share our poems and get out of here. I'm sorry Sayori and I spent the entire meeting- Wait, Natsuki? Where did Yuri go?"
I blinked and looked to her seat. "I mean, she went to get water for her tea but, that was a while ago I guess." I actually spent the entire club session eating? It doesn't take that long to get water.
"I can go look for her." I offer as I stand up, only for Yuri to come right back in, still holding an empty pitcher.
"I- I'm sorry, I lost track of time and tried to make tea at the end of our club session instead of the beginning, my mistake." She let out as she waved her hand towards Monika and Sayori, dismissing the matter. "Let's go ahead and share, hmm?" She continued, retrieving her poem and beginning to idly clean up the mess I had made as I quizzically looked her way.
"But you-"
"Natsuki! Why don't you share your work with us while Yuri finishes cleaning?" Monika interrupted. I bent my head in an attempt to lock eyes with Yuri and gain her attention but she remained steadfast in her cleaning.
Letting out a sigh I pulled out my bag and begun digging for a poem, any poem.
Should have made one last night.
I know I have something in here.
Why didn't I write one during class today?
I don't think I could have written anything last night.
It was nothing but pain and fear.
I'd shake too much to write.
Probably best I didn't.
Excuses.
I should have written during class.
But everything was moving so quickly.
I couldn't focus on anything.
Excuses.
Thank god, here's an old one I don't think I've shared.
I rush over to Monika and Sayori, whom have finished sharing by now and were simply waiting on me. I took a breath and began faking my way through sharing these poems.
A quick skim through Monika's poem, act like I'm reading deeply into things…
"Very interesting, Monika. As usual, but it's still feels like it's trying too hard. But don't worry, it takes practice to get as good as I am!" That should be convincing enough to get me through this.
Monika gave me a sweet little smile, as always, before telling me about something or another. Every single time we share poems she uses it as an opportunity to lecture me about my writing, so I just turn it around on her. I thought she'd get the message, but she always gets sickenly sweet when I criticize her poems and then she follows up with more lectures!
I didn't bother listening and once she seemed to be done I waved her off and traded our poems back before exchanging with Sayori.
"Oooh! I love this poem! I can just see all the parts in my head as I read it! It's so visual!"
I probably should have re-read the poem, I have no idea what my poem is about.
"Eh, yeah! That's part of what makes my poems so great to begin with! It's all visual so when the deeper meaning finally hits you it hits you hard!" That's right, right? I hope that's right. I try to make my poems say something, so this poem probably fits that model, right?
"Definitely!"
Phew. I'm worrying over nothing, Sayori doesn't usually try to read into my poems. She'd agree with me no matter what. I don't think I've seen her really read a poem more than a handful of times, she just enjoys the excuse to share with the club.
That's sweet, almost cute.
Shut up.
Soften up today of all days and who knows if you'll hold it together.
Glancing to where Monika had been I notice that she's sharing with Yuri now. At least she isn't breathing over my shoulder. Glancing through Sayori's poem I see about what I expected. Happy and warm thoughts and a feeling of pushing through some darkness to get to it. It's no secret at this point. Her old poems used to couple happy and sad themes, but ever since she came clean to us and started going to therapy her poems have, admittedly, been more focused on those themes and what they mean to her.
Before I knew it my skimming became a full pass and then a second one. Blinking, I stopped myself. At least zoning out into your friend's poem is a nice thing to do, maybe?
"I like how this poem breaks through the shadows of a storm to show the sunny day that comes 're getting better, Sayori."
I should ask.
I care.
But what if I can't handle this right now?
Selfish.
Shut up.
"Are you doing okay, lately?" I blurt out. "We don't get to ask you all the time, but we still care about you, have the sessions been going well?" I can't handle heavy talks right now. I feel exhausted, drained, and I don't even know what I'm going home to tonight.
But I care.
Be strong for them.
Sayori gently traded our poems back and tried to look away, but after taking a breath she looked me in the eyes and spoke her mind.
"Things are hard. Very hard.. But! I've been handling things better every day! I've been taking the therapy to heart, and take time out of my day to focus on me every single day. But yeah.. Things are still hard, and some days are still really really dark. I'm doing okay, don't wor.. I mean, thank you for caring about me. I promise I'd say otherwise if things were too heavy right now. Today was actually pretty good!"
Sayori finally broke eye contact as if she was drawing all her strength from that connection and looked down to her poem with a small giggle.
"Thank you for asking. It's still hard to talk about things but I know I can talk to all of you."
Phew.
"I'm glad things have been easier today. And you better believe we care, you dummy! We've always cared, that isn't about to stop!"
Sayori gave another giggle before rushing over to share with Yuri, leaving me alone with my poem waiting my turn.
I've almost made it through.
I should be able to just sneak in and go to bed without Papa getting on my case.
Why was I so worried before?
The food.
I was worried I'd have to linger in the open and try to make something to eat.
That scares me.
It looks like Sayori and Yuri have finished and within moments Sayori's dragging Monika towards the door. It looks like they're out of here, it's just Yuri and I.
If it wasn't for Yuri I'd still have a lot to worry about today.
I'm so thankful.
Shut up, you're not through yet.
Make it through today without making everyone poke into your business.
Make it through tonight without getting in another fight.
Hope that tomorrow you find a way to eat.
Maybe Papa isn't upset anymore.
Shut up.
Yuri is holding her poem loosely in front of her, but she's not looking my way. I feel my curiosity rising, I don't know why she was away for so long and she didn't even bring water for her tea? But, turning my attention to her poem, I know I shouldn't ask.
I don't need to know what she was up to, just like how she doesn't need to know what I'm going through.
I grab her poem and hand her mine. Let's get this over with. What do I have to pretend to understand with this one?
Fog
Fog is all I've ever been.
A mist on the wind; Transparency in flesh.
Flowing through the same halls every day.
Other faces barely see me; I barely see them.
A burning flame turned my way.
Fighting, falling, friends.
That burning flame turned my way.
Sanguine, strong, stubborn.
I envy its warmth.
Flowing through the same halls every day.
But it's not the same for me; I see it.
Sometimes the flame is warm, I smile.
Sometimes it is not, I watch.
Fog doesn't approach a cooled flame,
unless that flame is to be starved by frigid air.
Fog is all I've ever been.
A hushed sadness in the breeze; A cloud without purpose.
I wish I was a mighty fire.
Capable of warming even the coolest flames.
Able to carry her far from anything that would smother her.
I'm breathing quickly.
Oh no.
No.
She knows.
She couldn't know.
No.
No.
Don't let her know.
She's guessing.
It's okay.
She doesn't know.
My hands are shaking.
She doesn't know anything.
Idiot.
Is someone crying?
I make it so painfully obvious and no one notices.
This is a coincidence.
I'm crying.
She noticed.
I have to leave.
She knows.
Tears are hitting the poem.
I can't look at her.
I don't want her to look at me.
She sees me.
Please don't look at me.
I shove the paper forward while staring at the ground until she finally grabs it, or did she? I don't care. Once it was gone I turned, grabbed my bag, and starting walking.
I'm crying and I started in front of her.
I can't believe it, I'm so stupid.
Just get out of here.
Did she say something?
I wasn't listening.
Footsteps.
Don't look, it might be her.
Just go, just get out of here.
I really messed up. The entire day was a blur; I let it show. There's no way in hell I'm letting anyone closer to my mess, especially not any of my friends. I just need to get out of this. Keep walking, stay focused. Before you know it you'll be home in bed waiting on tomorrow.
I was hungry.
I.. can't just run.
She helped me.
The footsteps are getting closer.
Is she chasing me?
No, I'm slowing down.
Why
Don't drag her into any of this.
Just..
Tell her things are fine.
Not hungry today.
I was just being polite when she offered.
She's imagining things.
Stupid.
I need to shut up.
Just say it.
I stopped walking. I don't know when, I thought I was still going.
"Natsuki.." Yuri grabbed my arm but I couldn't look at her.
"You don't need to worry about me. I just wasn't hungry today." My voice is distant, am I being quiet? I'm tired. I feel like I pushed through a week of classes in a single day. My face stings, I must be beet red. Why did she have to notice, I'm so embarrassed and I cried. I just want this to end.
She won't let go. I don't know how long we stood there, me staring towards the exit while she held me firmly in place. I guess she's thinking of what to say. I want to interrupt, to just tell her to stop, but I feel something growing in my throat. I'm going to break if this keeps going, my face is wet but I'm holding so much back.
Time is moving so slowly. Yuri isn't speaking, her hands wrapped around my forearm like a vice. Get this over with, please.
"I..don't know what you're going through. But I've seen some of the results." I am such a failure. I can't let a day go blurry, I should be strong all the time. I should be tougher. Yuri's grip has tightened, please just let me go.
"I." She's thinking again, please stop. "I'm bringing you lunch tomorrow. I want to talk if you'd like to, but if not that's okay. I'm still bringing it." Her grip on my arm tightened before suddenly she let me go. My mind was a mess. Anger, tears, hate. All I could clearly think was to leave as quickly as I possibly could.
How dare she do this to me. I'm Natsuki. I'm strong. I'm tough. I don't need any help and I don't need anyone thinking I'm weak.
I'm weak.
Shut up.
I only pretend.
The front door is unlocked so I quietly enter. It looks like Papa left it open because he's definitely not here.
A note sits on the counter saying he'd be out for the night and can't afford to give me lunch money, along with saying I should just make something to pack instead.
Stupid. There's nothing in this house to eat, let alone pack for tomorrow. Anything left in the fridge is growing, the table is cluttered with wrappers from the only food Papa seems to stock, snacks, and not a single one remains. I walk over to get a glass of water before I bury myself in bed for the night and step in a spilled beer he clearly didn't bother to clean up.
I'm crying again. But I shouldn't. This is good. Papa doesn't seem mad anymore, and I'm not hungry.
I fill a glass from the tap and head to my room. I was much more thirsty than I thought and I ended up refilling my glass in the bathroom before finally getting dressed for bed.
This is good. This was a good day.
I rub my shoulder and stretch my back. It shouldn't take long for these bruises to fade, but it's still sore. An entire day pretending like nothing was bothering me only made it worse though. Sitting tense, even if I did phase out the rest of the world. I hope sleep helps. Today was completely.. Good. I made it.
Rolling over I try to forget about tomorrow before it begins. If it wasn't for this empty house I shouldn't have anything else to worry about this week. There's usually only one bad day a week. Usually. I have to worry about food a lot since Papa eats out and rarely remembers me… but I shouldn't have anything other than loud voices to worry about.
I hope Yuri forgets. If she tries to help me… I don't know what to do about that. I don't want her helping me, she'll start asking to know more, and I'm never talking about my weakness. No one should know I'm weak. I'm already a burden here, why should I burden others?
Why can't it be the weekend? We might have food by then, and the weekend is always great. Papa gets drunk and never bothers me at all on the weekend, he's just blacked out for most of it. It's my one bit of freedom. Sometimes he gets us pizza and he never complains because he's too drunk.
During the week he's usually upset. He's always tired from work and doesn't like when I make things harder on him.
I try to avoid him.
I hate being around him during the week. He yells. He points out every way I hold him back. He rants about how his life is worse because he has to care for me. I'm useless, and expensive, and make things worse. He drinks because he can't afford to do things he enjoys because he has to buy things for me. I wonder if he enjoys drinking.
But usually that's all he does during the week... yell. Sometimes he drinks on a weekday. Those are the bad days. He stays responsible, he doesn't drink enough to black out so that he makes it to work. But he gets.. angry. He'll shout and scream and break things, and it usually ends with him throwing me in my room or hitting my arm for talking back.
I'm crying again. Shut up, Natsuki. He doesn't drink twice during the week. This will be easy. The most he does is stay extra mad for a few days and he left a note today, it's probably all over for this week.
I want the weekend. Please let the rest of the week blow by. Please make Yuri forget. Please.
…
I forgot to do my work... I let out a sigh as I crawl out of bed and grab my bag, wiping my face with my sleeve. I can do this. Then I can finally let today end.