It has been roughly a million years since I wrote in this universe, or on this site for that matter. I quit Criminal Minds back when the news first broke that AJ Cook and Paget Brewster were being fired and I never really went back to it until my brother-in-law happened to be watching an episode while I was around a few months ago. It sort of broke the dam for me and I've fallen back into the show. I haven't watched past Season 7 and I don't know that I ever really will - Prentiss and Hotch were my favorite characters and OTP, so it just seems meh without them. In any case, once I was watching, this came to me and I couldn't help but write it. I have a small companion that I wrote that wasn't really intended to go with this, but kind of does, so I think I'll post that in a few days. I'd love to know what you think.
"So? What was it that tipped you off?" Aaron Hotchner asked Dave Rossi as he helped Rossi load the dishwasher. The other members of their team had filtered out over the last half hour, but Hotch had stayed behind to help finish the kitchen-cleaning.
Dave raised his eyebrows in question.
"You said you had an inkling. About Emily. What tipped you off?" Hotch clarified, even though he knew very well that the other man was perfectly aware what he was talking about.
Dave paused for a moment as if weighing his words. "You."
"Me?" Hotch arched an eyebrow.
"Aaron…I've known you a long time. I know your tells."
Hotch didn't say anything as he contemplated that. He thought he'd done a damn good job controlling his reactions so that even his colleagues wouldn't be able to tell that rather than mourning their teammate with them, his heart was singing that she was alive and safe.
"Sit, have a glass of wine. You've only had one and that was hours ago," Dave offered.
"Sure," Hotch agreed, following Dave and his bottle of wine into the living room.
They sat and Hotch appreciated the warm comfort of the room. It may be a mansion, but it was the type of place where you instantly felt relaxed and at home.
"Was I really that obvious?" Hotch couldn't help but ask. He had to know, for some reason.
"No. Not to the naked eye. But like I said, I've known you a long time," Dave shrugged.
Hotch stared into his glass of wine.
"When Haley died…" Dave shook his head slowly, again weighing his words. "When Haley died, it was like a part of you had been ripped away and would never begin to heal over. I know you weren't in love with her anymore, but a part of you obviously still loved her. You were…raw."
Hotch nodded his agreement. Raw was exactly how he'd felt in the wake of Haley's death.
"But, when Emily…died," Dave quirked his eyebrow slightly at the word, "you were different. You were so much more focused on everyone else, never even spared a thought for your own grief. I was watching you Aaron, I was afraid that this would be the thing that broke you."
"It would have," Hotch agreed quietly.
"Yeah. But it didn't. You were…fine. You'd already lost one woman that you loved. There is no way you would have coped so well with losing a second."
Hotch was silent. He'd known that Rossi was aware that something was going on between Emily and himself. He'd subtly encouraged it, even. But he didn't know how he felt about Dave assigning that word to his feelings for Emily. He wasn't even sure what word would have been appropriate to use.
"I thought you'd crumble in on yourself, but you were the rock for the rest of us. I know you're strong Aaron, but there's no way that you could've been that strong," Dave shrugged. "You were saying the right things, but you never seemed to directly say anything about her being dead, you just said that she was gone."
Hotch thought back to the time right after Emily's departure. He knew that Dave was right. He'd been unable to ever say out loud that Emily was dead, even though he knew she wasn't. It was almost like saying it out loud would be tempting fate to make it true.
"So what now?" Dave asked.
Hotch raised an eyebrow.
"Playing dumb doesn't suit you, Aaron. What are you going to do about it now that she's back?"
"Nothing," Hotch shrugged.
Dave stared at him. "Nothing?"
"Nothing," Hotch nodded. "We talked about it. We're done."
"And you're okay with that?" Dave demanded.
Aaron sighed, staring into his glass again.
- About 4 months ago -
He paced slowly in front of the train station. He'd been waiting for this moment for what felt like a lifetime.
"Hey!" a clear voice called an English. A voice he knew well.
He spun quickly and found his arms full of one Emily Prentiss. Her arms were tight around his neck and his wrapped automatically around her waist, holding her securely.
"Hi," he grinned hugely.
"God, I am so glad to see you!" she pulled back slightly, running her hand gently over his cheek.
"The feeling is definitely mutual. I'm sorry that it's not for longer," he lamented.
Emily shrugged. "It is what it is. When is your transport tomorrow?"
"Ten a.m.," he sighed.
"Well, then we better get moving and enjoy the time while we can!" she grinned at him. She pulled completely away from his body, but kept his hand in hers, linking their fingers and pulling him down the street.
They spent the day wandering around Kaiserslautern, just enjoying being near each other. They were almost never out of touching distance – hands constantly touching each other, reaffirming that they were there, together.
They ate an early dinner and as they wandered toward the B&B where she was spending the night, Hotch felt his stomach sinking. This had been a perfect day, almost like something out of someone else's life. He had wandered around without purpose, a beautiful woman holding his hand and talking to him and nothing and everything. They'd talked about the team and how they were doing and how much she missed them. They talked about the last time she'd been in Germany, with her mother as a child. They talked endlessly about Jack and his soccer team and his school and everything he was doing in his life. Now, it was ending and he would be back to his solitary existence, even moreso now that he was going to consult in the dessert.
"What's wrong? You've just changed," she murmured.
"Just not ready for this to be over," he said quietly.
"Aaron…this was the best thing that has happened to me in months. I am going to carry this with me for a long time," she sighed.
He thought about that. Wasn't that what he had been doing since she'd left? Letting the good thoughts protect him from the darkness? Yes, he missed her and wanted her to come back, but he held onto the thought that she was alive and well; not dead. So he supposed he would do it again, carry these smiles and lightness with him to protect his bruised heart.
He nodded.
"Plus, it's not over yet," she almost whispered. She cupped his cheek and stared into his eyes. He was swept into the deep brown of her eyes, so dark you almost couldn't distinguish her pupils. He could distinguish them well enough, though, to see how they dilated as she stared at him.
Then he was sealing his lips across hers, reveling in the feel of her against him. He'd missed this; missed both the fire and comfort that her arms offered to him.
He felt bereft when she pulled away.
"Coming?" she asked, nodding her head toward her B&B.
He grabbed her one more time and pressed one more kiss to her mouth. "Always."
()0()
"Oui?" her voice came across the line, as clear as if she was standing next to him.
"Emily."
"Hotch?" her voice was breathless as though she'd been running with a note of surprise in it.
"We need you to come back," he said, he could feel his heart beating in his throat as he spoke those words. He knew that they had Doyle in their custody, but the thought of bringing her back in that piece of trash's sphere was horrifying for so many reasons. But, he was going to get to see her, which was also heart palpitation-inducing. He hadn't seen her or heard her voice since their single, beautiful day in Kaiserslautern over three months previously.
"What's going on?" her voice became all business.
"Declan is missing."
She gasped. "Do we know where Doyle is?"
"In our interrogation room."
"What?" she demanded.
"Morgan found him and was surveilling. When Declan went missing, we thought it was him, but it appears that he isn't at fault here."
"Okay…okay. I'm on the next plane. I'll be there in, what? Eight hours?" she said, and he could tell she was moving quickly based on the rapid change of noise in the background on her end.
"Be safe. We'll see you soon."
()0()
"God, it is so nice to be here," Emily sighed.
"In DC or here?" he teased, tracing his finger over her spine as she was draped half across him, her head resting on his chest.
"Both."
He breathed her in, just reveling in her existence; her presence.
"I just wish they didn't hate me," she muttered.
"They don't."
"Feels like they do. Think of all of this shit that I've gotten them into," she sighed. He felt the whoosh of her breath across his skin.
His hand continued to dance across her skin. He couldn't see to stop touching her. "It'll just take them time to adjust," he assured her.
"Maybe," she said doubtfully.
"Strauss is going to offer you your job back," he told her.
She propped herself up and stared at him. "What?"
"She came to me this afternoon. Assuming you're cleared – that we're all cleared – which she seems to believe we will be, she wants you to come back. We haven't been able to fill your position and now that you're able to come back, she wants you back," he told her. He hadn't been planning on telling her, but it seemed he couldn't keep anything to himself when she was around.
Emily was silent. She stayed propped on her elbow, her eyes flickering across his face – he could just make them out in the dark of the room.
"What are you thinking?" he asked gently, his hand brushing through her hair. He liked it this length, just brushing her shoulders.
"I…I don't know," she said.
He waited. He knew her well enough to know that she would talk when she was ready.
It took a few minutes, but eventually she did. "Aaron…a few months ago, I would have done anything to come back."
"But now?" he heart started to pound. All he wanted was to see her every day. He wanted her back in his life on a regular basis. The idea that she may not want that too was…devastating. He didn't think he could handle her leaving again. Not now. Not when he just got her back.
"You know what it would mean, right? If I come back…we can't do this anymore," she said, her eyes moving away from his face.
He knew she was right. They were in far too deep. They had been seeing each other casually before she left, but something had changed. This was no longer something that could ever be defined as casual. He'd known the second he'd seen her in Germany. He loved her. It would be irresponsible for them to be together and work together. "Yeah," he agreed quietly.
"And, to be honest, I'm not sure that I want to give this up," she said hesitantly.
He stroked her cheek before tilting her chin up so she had to look him in the face. "Emily…you're here. You're back. I thought it would be years before I could say that. I can honestly say that I don't want to give this up either, but I just want you to know…need you to know, that if you decide to come back and this ends, it will still feel like a win to me because I still get to have you in my life every day. I want you to make the right decision for you. I will be here for you in any capacity that you'll allow me."
She stared at him for a moment before leaning forward and pressing her lips to his.
()0()
"May I think about it?" Emily asked Strauss upon her offer for Emily to return to the BAU.
Hotch felt his stomach clench. He was so torn about this. He'd meant every single word he'd said to her – he would support her in any capacity she wanted him to. Selfishly, he wanted her to say no. He wanted her to tell him that she wanted to explore what was between them and see where and how far it could go – he suspected that it could go quite far. Selflessly though…selflessly he knew the right answer was for her to say she'd come back. She was brilliant and watching her work left him in awe of her.
"Of course," Strauss agreed. Hotch could tell that she was taken aback by the hesitation.
The mood of everyone shifted perceptibly.
Emily barely paused. "I'm in."
The brilliant smile that he loved so much broke across her face as though she couldn't contain it. He could help but grin at her joy. She was here. She was alive. He got to keep her in his life.
()0()
His head snapped up at the light knock on his door.
He was actually quite surprised to see Emily on the other side of the peephole in his door.
"Hey," she greeted him, holding up a bottle of wine in offering.
"Come on in," he smiled.
"I was thinking maybe we could talk?" she asked, sounding unsure.
"Yeah, of course."
She sank into his couch and waited while he poured two glasses of the red and handed one to her before joining her on the couch.
"Is Jack asleep?" she asked.
"Yeah, he was exhausted. It's his first week back at school," Hotch nodded.
"Are you mad?" she asked with no pre-cursor.
"No."
"Really?"
"Really."
She nodded slowly, her head continuing to bob absently as if she'd forgotten it was moving as she stared into space.
He reached out and grasped her hand. Her head swung toward him. "It's not because I don't want you. I think I will always want you. But you are made to do this work. It's who you are. I would never want you to stop being who you are. Especially not because of me. And Em…you're here. That's enough for me. You're here."
"I'm here," she agreed. "Aaron, you have to promise me something."
"Whatever you want."
"Promise me that you'll go out and find someone who is available to you. Find someone who can give you her whole self, someone that can be there for you and for Jack," she urged.
"And what about you? Will you go out and find someone?" he asked, his stomach flipping unpleasantly at the thought.
"I don't know. Maybe someday," she shrugged with no real interest. "Honestly…I need to get used to being me again. And I think I have a lot more recovering to do than just from the last seven months. Lauren Reynolds…she was part of me. And Ian Doyle was part of her. I need to spend some time just being Emily Prentiss, without the idea of Lauren Reynolds or the knowledge of Ian Doyle looming over me. I'm not ready to go out and find someone…I may never be. But I'm okay with that. I don't want you to commit to a life of celibacy and loneliness because of this choice I've made."
He nodded, understanding.
She shook her head briskly. She studied their still joined hands for a moment before raising them and placing a kiss to the back of his hand. Then, she pulled hers from his and moved a few inches away, placing some physical distance between them.
He couldn't pretend that it wasn't like a punch to the gut to feel her physically pull away, but he knew it was the right thing under the circumstances.
"So," she said conversationally, tell me about how everyone is. How is JJ doing?"
"She's amazing. I've never seen a rookie profiler analyze and write up cases as well as she has been. We're lucky to have her back," he smiled.
Their eyes met and they both smiled. They were going to be okay.
()0()
"Yeah. I'm okay with it," Hotch said to Dave, finally. "She's here. She's home. That's enough for me."