nine years

by berub

"I'm willing to wait nine years, and not a single day more!" I manage to say. He laughs loudly. "You've got yourself a deal."

Disclaimer: I don't own anything aside from a little insomnia and some rather big personal problems.

---

ZERO

November 2008

"for your feelings there's no place, but you knew that from the start;
you and I were made of glass, we'd never last."

/G-Eazy: Tumblr Girls/

I take a long glance at Edward, trying to figure out what his game is tonight. I've only met him a few weeks ago; he's friends with Alice's new boyfriend, Jasper. Alice and Jasper are ridiculously in love – especially considering that they've only been knowing each other for a month –, so they spend every single minute together, and that means I spend a lot of time with Edward.

Edward is a beautiful but ignorant boy. Just like most good-looking jocks, he carries himself around like he owns the world. But under his smug behavior he's also funny and smart, so I developed some kind of a crush on him. I'm so ashamed of falling for his tricks that I never even talked to Alice about it.

And now we're out in this club, the four of us dancing, and Edward is showing some attention towards me for the first time. I can see he's pretty drunk, and I'm quite tipsy, too, so even though I still have a little voice inside my head saying this is a bad idea, I want to see how this plays out.

"Do you want another drink?" Edward shouts in my ear, raising his empty glass with a question. I glance at Alice and Jasper. They're dancing in their own bubble, completely ignoring the world around them.

"Yeah, sure." I smile at Edward, and I follow him as he moves towards the bar. After a few steps, he looks back at me, and takes my hand to lead me through the crowd. His hand is soft against my own, and my stomach clenches a little. He's definitely up to something.

As we reach the bar, he lets go of my hand. I step closer to him as he waits for the bartender to notice him. When he does, Edward leans over the counter to shout something in the bartender's ear. The music is stupidly loud.

The bartender puts two glasses of beer in front of us, and Edward pays for them before I could offer to. He grabs both glasses and hands me one of them.

"Thank you." I have to lean really close so he could hear me. He smells like expensive cologne, beer and weed. The fact that I find that attractive feels like a sucker punch. That means I have a bigger crush on him than I thought.

He grabs my hand again to leads me back to the dancefloor, but we can't find Alice and Jasper. I fish my phone out of my jeans' backpocket. I got a text from Alice saying: "I felt rly tired so we left, sry. Tell Edward to take care of you or I'll have his head. I'll sleep at Jazz's, text me when you get home. x"

I hand my phone to Edward who reads the text. I can see he struggles a little with focusing on the screen. He really is drunk.

He smiles a little, probably because of Alice's threat, then he shrugs. He gives me my phone back, then takes a long sip of his beer. I drink some, too, because suddenly, I feel awkward. We've never been on our own before, and I'm a little mad at Alice. She knows I have problems with social interactions.

Before I could panic more, Edward steps closer, and pulls me to his chest. I barely avoid pouring my beer on him. I look up at him and wait for him to say something. He just watches me with half closed drunk eyes, and starts moving with the music.

The voice inside my head saying this is a bad idea is louder than ever. To make it stop, I maneuver my glass to my mouth and drink almost half of it. It's cold and bitter, but I take a deep breath, and finish the rest. I look around to find a table to put my glass on. Just as I put it down, Edward puts down his next to mine. He finished his, too.

He winks at me, and grabs my hand again. He spins me around, which makes me stumble and almost fall. He catches me, puts his arms around my waist, but he's not the most stable person right now, so we stumble some more. I look up at him again, and he immediately kisses me.

I feel guilty for so many reasons. One, even though we're both drunk, I feel like I'm taking advantage of him, because I'm the one out of the two of us who would do this without the alcohol. Secondly, I'm pretty sure even he can feel my heart pounding in my chest with joy, and drunk making out with Edward is not something to be happy about, getting my stupid hopes up for nothing. And I feel guilty because I'm not drunk enough to not know I should push him away and tell him to go home, but I still can't do it.

I put my arms around his neck and stand on my tiptoes so I can pull him closer. I part my lips a little, and he shoves his tongue in my mouth right away. It's a little cold from the beer, but I love the feeling, so I open my mouth completely. His arms start to wander from my waist to my thighs, and as he pulls me closer I can feel his hard-on against my stomach.

His kisses become hungrier, and I can feel heat pool between my legs. This is going way too fast. His lips leave my mouth and move to my neck. As he softly bites my earlobe with his teeth, he whispers in my ear, "let's go to my place."

This gives me a great opportunity to tell him we shouldn't to this, that this is a really bad idea, and it's already going to be really awkward hanging out with Alice and Jasper, we shouldn't make it even worse. But I'm not very good at choosing the right thing to do even when I'm sober, so I'm definitely not good at it right now.

I push him away a little, still considering what I'm going to do. But as I open my mouth, it's as if it's not even me talking. "I'll call a cab."

"I'll go get our jackets. Let's meet at the front," he tells me, then he kisses me on my mouth once more before leaving towards the cloakroom.

I find the contact in my phone and call the cab company I usually call after a party. I have to wait a few minutes outside, but Edward appears just as a cab stops in front of us.

"Isabella?" the driver asks after he pulls down the window.

"That's me! Good evening!" I smile at him as Edward opens the back door for me. We climb in and the driver ignites the car.

The five minutes to my place is the most awkward five minutes of my life, and that is something. Edward tries to kiss me every five seconds, but I can catch the driver's glance in the rear mirror, so I push him away every time. I really don't want to be the person that makes out in the back of a cab.

I'm really thankful that we didn't go out to a club on the other side of the city, because at least the drive is fairly short. As we exit the car, I thank the driver, and I grab Edward's waist, because he looks like he could fall over any minute.

"This is not my place," Edward says a little too loud, the words slipping.

"Great observation, Sherlock," I mock him, and try to pull him to the front door of my building.

"What if Alice is here?" he insists.

"She's sleeping at Jasper's, now come on!" I pull him again, and he finally gives in. I know he's too drunk to have sex right now, he's probably just going to fall asleep the minute he lies down on my bed.

I can't find my keys as we reach my apartment door, and Edward kissing my neck from behind me doesn't exactly help with the search.

"I've got it!" I almost scream and I open the door. We cross the hallway towards my room, and he takes the lead suddenly. He drags me to my bed, and pulls me down with him on it. He starts kissing me, but I push him away.

"Give me a minute." I smile at him, and go to my bathroom.

I sit down on my big plastic laundry basket, and try to think of what to do. I end up reaching for my makeup removing swipes, and I clean my face and brush my teeth. I grab my t-shirt and shorts that I use as pajamas, and take a deep breath. He should be asleep by now, so hopefully I don't have to make more decisions tonight.

I step in my room and find him sleeping on his side in just his underwear. His wallet is on my nightstand, and his clothes are on the floor next to bed, so I fold them and put them on my chair. Then I drag the blanket from under him, and though he stirs a little, he doesn't wake up.

I stand there for another five minutes, just looking at him, trying to decide what to do, but I end up lying down next to him, and covering us both with the blanket. My bed is not that big, so he feels my presence immediately, and cuddles me from behind me. I try not to think about the fact that I'm cuddling with Edward Cullen, and just fall asleep instead. I manage it in a few minutes, probably with the help of the drinks I've had.

I wake up confused, because it feels like I barely slept a minute. I still feel pretty dizzy, it's still dark outside, and I don't know what woke me up. I look at my clock on my bedside table. It's four in the morning, we got to bed at half past two. Then I can feel Edward's hand caressing my breast under my shirt, and I almost jump out of my bed. His breath is hot on the back of my neck as he starts kissing it slowly. At the same time, his hand start to go down my stomach, and reach the waistband of my shorts.

He hesitates a little, obviously giving me time to stop him. Once again this night, I'm desperate to see where this goes, and I can't find strength in myself to say no. His hand finally continues its way under my shorts, and starts caressing me over my panties. I small gasp escapes my mouth, but in the quite room it feels like a shout. Edward growls a little, then he pulls back his hand, and in a second, he pushes me on my back, and he's hovering over me.

"Fuck," he murmurs before he kisses me deeply. My body lights up again under his kisses. He grabs the hem of my shirt, and stops his kisses just until he takes it off me. He tosses it on the floor, and his mouth is on my breast immediately. Another, somewhat louder gasp escapes me as his tongue plays with my nipple. My hands grab his head as he moves to my other breast, and I can't help but pull him even closer.

I can hear and feel his slight chuckle. "An eager little thing you are, huh?" He looks up at me with a grin, then suddenly, he's on his knees, and he's pulling down my shorts and panties.

This is it. The time I should really say no. There's no real harm done, we just made out. If I say no now, we can leave it at that. But I'm a stupid nineteen-year-old girl who only ever had one boyfriend, so I never learned how to handle a real crush on someone, how to say no to someone when all you want to say is "more". So I don't stop him.

My shorts and panties follow my shirt on the ground, and Edward's head is between my legs. I panic and try to push him away.

"Stop, you're going to like it," he says, looking up at me.

Jake never did this. I don't know if he found it gross or just didn't know how, but I never asked him to do it, either. Now lying like this makes me feel way more exposed than having sex ever did.

Before I could really push him away, he's tongue is already on me, and now I absolutely don't want to push him away. Once again, my hands grab his hair to pull him closer. A moan escapes my mouth before I could stop it, and Edward meets my eyes while never stopping with licking. His eyes spark up, and his hands start to wander again.

One of his hands finds my breast again, and starts to massage it. His other hand follows the route of his tongue, until suddenly one of his fingers enters me. I moan even louder at that, and another finger follows. I can barely hear myself saying: "I need you."

He glances up at me again curiously, and I start pulling him up. He resists for a few seconds, apparently wanting to finish what he started, but after some tugging he gives up. He kisses me deeply again. I always thought I would find it disgusting, tasting myself on someone else's tongue, but somehow I don't.

Then he reaches towards the bedside table for his wallet. He pulls out a condom, opens the packaging, and puts it on. Then he's kissing me again, and I feel dizzier then I ever did from drinking. His kisses stop for a minute as he enters me, and once again, I moan and gasp. It feels a little uncomfortable, he's fairly big, but then I adjust to it, and as he starts moving, I can already feel myself fall apart.

We move in a slow rhythm, and I can't help but think about how I expected one night stands to be rough and quick, and yet how this feels more like making love. As his thrust become quicker, I can no longer pay attention to actually kissing him, I'm just panting in his mouth basically. I come undone in a few short minutes after that, and I try to be quite, because it still feels so weird with just the two of us panting, and not a single other noise, but I can't. I feel tingly everywhere. I feel whole.

Then I realize he's too drunk, and he won't finish anytime soon. I start properly kissing him again, and even though I feel really spent, my second climax comes before his first. As he rips his mouth from mine to let out a loud groan, his face twists in pleasure, and I can't help but think he's the most beautiful person I've ever seen.

He rests his head on my shoulder and pants for a few moments before he rolls of me and gets rid of the condom as I point at the bin next to my study table. He lies back down next to me, and I smile at him. He kisses me shortly, but then he turns on his side with his back towards me.

The delusion I didn't even notice I developed cracks.

This was a one-night stand. This is going to be really awkward tomorrow. I became just another girl he fucked. In his eyes, I'm going to be the girl whom he could fuck after a party.

I feel myself going into panic. I get out of the bed and go to the bathroom again. I wash my face with cold water, and look at myself in the mirror. What did you do, Bella?

I open my medicine cabinet, and reach for a Zoloft. I know that's the only way I'm getting some sleep tonight.

I wake up at eleven the next morning, and he's so obviously gone. I don't cry, but it takes everything in me not to.

---

ONE

April 2009

"It hurts to love you, but I still love you.
It's just the way I feel.
And I'd be lying if I kept hiding
the fact that I can't deal."

/Lana Del Rey: 13 Beaches/

I flounce out the front door, and try to find a place to sit. I sit down on the steps. I light up a cigarette and cough a little, but it feels good. I'm not a smoker, not even a party-smoker, but I knew I'm going to need something tonight, and Zoloft and alcohol is not a good combination, so cigarettes and alcohol it is.

Then I hear the door opening, and looking behind me I see Edward. He finds me immediately with his eyes, and comes to sit down next to me.

"You a smoker now, huh?" he asks, and he picks up the pack from my lap, pulls out a cigarette, and lights it.

"Not really," I say without looking at him, taking another drag.

I haven't seen him in months. I don't know how to act around him. I never did, but it's even harder now. And it's not easy to realize that he still has the same power over me as he did a year ago.

"Me neither." He takes a big drag of the cigarette before continuing. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry, okay?" he says, and now he's the one who doesn't look at me.

"For what?" I ask, because even though I know he's apologizing for tonight, I still feel like he should apologize for so much more.

"That was a dick move on my part." He looks at me finally, and he seems sincere. "Sometimes I just want to be funny, and forget to check if I hurt someone."

I stand up and walk to the dumpster to throw out my stub. I don't walk back, I stay there, light up another cigarette, and think about what happened in there.

"Never have I ever…" Rose starts for the third time.

"You've had the whole round to think about what to say, come on!" Alice whines.

"Okay, I've got it now," Rose announces with a mean smile. Alice is going to regret whining very soon. "Never have I ever made out with a girl from this room."

Shit. She hints at me and Alice making out last year. I look at Alice, and we clink our glasses with a shrug and a wink before I hear Edward speaking up.

"Wow, so making stupid mistakes seems to run in the family, huh?" he asks Alice as he sips from his drink. "I wonder which one of us is ashamed of it more, little sis. Probably me, though."

I can hear Alice hissing "you're such a dick, Edward" at him. I feel humiliated. Then I decide I'm not going to let him have this, I'm not going to let him feel like he won. I grab my vodka soda, drink all of it, even though the glass was almost completely full, all the while holding Edward's gaze. Then I stand up from the table. "Excuse me for a minute. I need some air because I feel sick." I spit, then I leave them.

I feel Edward's presence behind me. I turn around, and I realize he's standing way closer than I thought. I move past him and sit back down on the steps. He follows me, and I'm getting annoyed. Why did he choose tonight to not let me go?

"Alice was really angry with me, you know?" he starts. "She started yelling the minute you left."

"So she made you apologize to me?" I ask with an edge in my tone.

"She told me I should, but I probably would have done it anyway."

I don't reply. I don't know what I could say. I just want him to go away. In the last few months, I honestly felt like I'm over him, distance making it easier. Now it suddenly feels harder than ever.

"Bella… you know I love you," he says, and I can feel my heart crack in my chest. I really should have gone with the Zoloft. I didn't want to do it because then I would have had to explain not drinking, but I realize it now that even that would have been a hell lot of easier. I was a fool for thinking I could make it through this night with just cigarettes. While he can throw out phrases like "I love you" and not mean it. It's not fair.

"How should I know?" I can feel tears pooling up in my eyes, but it's pretty dark, and I think he won't be able to see it. "All you ever do is hurt me, apologize, then repeat."

Edward made it into a habit, making fun of me, mocking me, and then when he goes too far, he just says "I'm sorry", and if I don't forgive him, I'm the sensitive bitch. And I'm just tired of hearing his apologies.

"I know," he says, sounding a little bit sad, "but I never mean to hurt you, I just really don't think before I talk."

"That's a pretty shitty excuse," I spit, and I stand up with the intention to leave him here, but he grabs my arm and stands up, too.

"Don't do this, Bella," he whispers in my ear while pulling me into a tight hug from behind.

I hate myself for not pushing him away immediately, but once again I'm helpless against his power over me. He starts kissing my neck softly, and I'm really about to cry. I turn around to face him and take a small step back.

"How is Tanya?" I ask him bitterly, and I know he can probably see the tears in my eyes from this close, but I don't care anymore. He takes a step back right away, but he doesn't let go of my waist.

"She's… great," he answers after a few moments.

"Doesn't it ever bother you?" I push it further. "That you have a girlfriend whom you can't bring to your best friend's birthday because all your friends hate her? And if what Alice is telling me is true, she basically forbids you to spend time with your friends. This is just fucked up."

He lets go of my waist finally, and turns his back to me.

"You don't get it."

"You're right, I don't," I agree harshly.

"She's my girlfriend. I love her. I can't leave her just because it's not easy. Relationships are never easy," he whispers and turns back to me.

I don't say what I think. That it would be easy with me. I'm ridiculous, letting him get to me again. I will be a mess for weeks after this, if not more.

"But this is not about Tanya," he says, and he hugs me again. What is it with him and hugs tonight? "It's about you forgiving me for being a dick, and then all of us having a good time."

I can't help it; I hug him back.

"I missed you," I admit it so quietly I'm not even sure he heard me.

"I missed you, too," he says, and he sits down back on the steps, then pulls me down to sit on his legs sideways. Our face is barely inches away.

We sit there for a while just looking at each other, not saying a single word.

A week after our one-night stand, he and Tanya started going out. We never talked about what happened between us, and I did everything I could to act like I could be just friends with him. Sometimes I even believed it. Sometimes I felt like getting even a small part of him is better than not getting anything at all. For a while it worked.

Then he started to disappear. From week to week, he cancelled more lunches, coffees, cinemas and parties. It turned out, Tanya made a huge tantrum every time he hung out with us. Tanya is a beautiful girl for sure, but she is also conceited and fussy, and she can't hold a decent conversation for her life. I really can't imagine why Edward loves her.

"You have nine years," I tell him suddenly.

"Nine years to do what?" He asks with a chuckle, and starts kissing my neck again.

"Nine years to marry Tanya, realize she's a bitch, divorce her, and realize you want to be with me. I'm willing to wait nine years, and not a single day more!" I manage to say.

He laughs loudly.

"You've got yourself a deal," he says finally.

I get up before he could start kissing my neck again.

"Until then, don't do anything you wouldn't do in Tanya's presence. It's not fair to her, and it's not fair to me."

I go back inside. I missed enough of Jasper's birthday already. Edward and I don't speak at all for five months after that.

---

TWO

June 2010

"Sometimes I ignore you so I feel in control,
'cause really, I adore you, and I can't leave you alone.
Fed up with the fantasies, they cover what is wrong…"

/Marina & The Diamonds: Starring Role/

"I can just sleep with you, and then Jasper sleeps with Edward." Alice smiles at me.

"Don't be silly." I smile back. I don't want to tell her that even though I know it's going to be painful, and I'm going to regret it on Monday, right now, deep down, I want to share the bed with Edward. "If Edward doesn't mind it, then neither do I."

"Edward?" Jasper asks.

"I already lied about you being here to Tanya." He shrugs. "It's just another lie, I guess."

Emmett had his graduation ceremony this morning, and he wanted to celebrate. He asked for a weekend away with his friend from his parents, and they gave us the key to their absolutely amazing weekend house in the woods. Problem A: Tanya would never let Edward go for a weekend with two girls (at least she's not jealous of his sister, that's something). So he told her it's going to be just guys. Problem B: The house only has three bedrooms, all with double beds.

"Great!" Alice says excitedly, but I catch her shooting a worried glance towards me. She knows I shouldn't be doing this.

"So we should bring in everything from the cars, and then I'm going to start making dinner," Rosalie commands. "But at least one of you has to help."

"I'd love to," I tell her, because I'm afraid Alice would volunteer, and I would be stuck with the guys.

Rosalie wants to make fucking steak. Who makes steak on a freaking weekend away? You should cook easy stuff, like spaghetti or sandwiches. But Emmett's favorite food is steaks, and Rosalie really wants him to have a great weekend. Luckily, I know my way around the kitchen, so while Rosalie prepares the meat, I get busy with the mashed potato.

"Are you sure sleeping in the same bed as Edward is a good idea?" Rosalie asks sharply, and I know Rosalie means well and she's always this harsh, but it still stinks a little. The guys and Alice are in the living room, watching sports on the big flat screen and drinking beer, so I know we can talk privately, but I don't like the subject.

"I'm going to be fine, Rose," I answer with a tight smile. "I've got a boyfriend now, anyway."

"Alec is not your boyfriend," she continues as she sets the oven. "You guys went out twice, and you don't even like him."

Even though she's right, of course, I feel the need to say something to contradict her.

"Well, if I've learned anything from Edward, it's that you don't need to actually like someone to be in a relationship with them."

"Yeah, and if there's a person here who you should take relationship advice from, it's Edward," Rose hisses with sarcasm dripping from her tone.

"It looks like we didn't bring in the milk from the car. I'll go get it," I say quickly.

I'm running away from the conversation; we both know it. I also know that Rose is just worried about me. But I'm already struggling with making myself believe this isn't going to end up bad, and I don't need anyone else telling me that it is.

"You guys did a great job with the dinner!" Alice says after sipping some of her wine.

"Yeah, babe, you're awesome," Emmett murmurs to Rosalie loud enough for all of us to hear.

"Yeah, babe, you're awesome," Edward mocks Emmett's tone perfectly, but he says it to me instead of Rosalie.

Before we could get into any awkward conversations, I stand up to collect the now empty plates. "We're really happy you guys liked it."

I escape to the kitchen and start the dishwasher. By the time I get back to the living room where we ate, they are already talking about the plans for tonight.

"Hey, Bella, we thought we could grab a few bottles of wine, and get into the hot tub," Emmett says with the excitement of a little puppy.

"Sounds great." I force a smile on my face. Sitting in a hot tub with four lovebirds and the boy I'm in love with and who still has a girlfriend… Sounds more like a disaster.

I go to our room, grab my bikini, and go to the bathroom to change. Right after I'm finished with putting it on, I hear Edward talking to me from the other side of the door, but I can't understand him clear enough. I open the door to ask what he just said, and I see him standing in his birthday suit, holding his swimming trunks in his hands.

"Yeah, so I just asked you to wait a second in there." He laughs.

"I'm so sorry!" I shout, and I cover my eyes with my hands. "I could hear you talking to me, but I couldn't understand what you said!"

"It's fine. It's not like you haven't see me naked before. You can open your eyes, by the way, I'm decent."

I peek between my fingers, and I see he put his trunks on, so I let my hands down. When I see his eyes wondering over my body, I realize I should probably put on a towel or something.

"Let's go find the others," I say after covering myself with a towel.

We find our friends already enjoying the hot tub. Meaning they split into twos and started making out.

"If you guys plan on doing this all night, I'd rather go back to my room and enjoy the company of a book."

"No!" Alice protests laughing. "We're going to behave, I promise."

They keep their promise mostly, and we actually have a pretty good time. We drink some wine and talk about our plans for the future, Emmett especially, since he's now going to start to work as an engineer. By the time we leave the hot tub, I haven't thought about my feelings for Edward for hours.

But as we reach our room, I have no way to avoid those thoughts.

"You can go first." Edward points towards the bathroom door.

"Thanks."

I go in, and do everything I can to prolong the time until I have to face him. I'm hoping by the time I leave the bathroom, he'll fall asleep just like he did two years ago on that damn night. But eventually I do have to leave, and I find him sitting on his bed, watching some superhero movie on the flat screen that Emmett's parents have apparently put into every single room of the house.

"You took your time," he remarks.

I just smile a little at him as he grabs his stuff and goes to take a shower.

He's finished in ten minutes, and I spend most of that time contemplating how big our bed is, and if we have a chance to accidentally touch each other through the night. One thing's for sure, there's only one big blanket, so we have to share that.

He comes back right when I grab my book from my suitcase.

"I see your pajamas are new," he says with a curious look as we sit down on the opposite sides of the bed. It takes a minute to realize he means it's not the shirt and shorts he's seen, but a black top with matching shorts, both of them laced on the edges.

"Don't flatter yourself, I didn't buy them for you, I've had them for like a year now." I adjust my pillow as a sit with my back to the headboard, pulling the blanket over my legs. I open my book, and try to focus on it, and ignore the sounds coming from the television. I don't try to ignore Edward's presence, I know by now that that's useless.

"You're reading a romantic novel?" he asks in a mocking tone.

"It has history, adventures, and beautiful lands, too!" I quote the blurb with fake hurt in my tone. I know these books are a little trashy, but one can't read Hemingway and Dostoyevsky all the time. "Also, I need some romance in my life, and I gave up all hope on your gender, so romantic books have to do the job."

"So the thing with Alex didn't work out?"

I look at him, but I'm not really surprised. In our friend group nothing can stay a secret for long. He's lying on his side, propped on his elbow, he's face showing genuine interest in my answer.

"His name is Alec," I say, then I pause, "and I haven't decided on him yet."

"If you have to think if you want to go to a third date, that's a definite no," he informs me.

"You mean to tell me you knew on your second date that you want to get serious with Tanya?"

I don't know why I had to bring her up. I don't want to hear about their relationship. I mean there's one thing I'd like to hear about it: that it's over. But I can't take my question back.

"If I'm going on a date with someone, it's already serious." That's the only thing he says, and I'm glad that it's a general answer and he didn't talk about Tanya. I close my book and put it down on the nightstand, then lie down facing Edward, and I pull the blanket to my chin. There is at least a foot of distance between us, but I still think I can feel the heat radiating from his body. With the lamp on my nightstand and the television being the only light in the room, it feels cozy and intimate to lie here with him.

"So tell me, how does one get a date with Edward Cullen?" I ask him jokingly, but I'd really like to know the answer, to know where I went wrong.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" He smirks at me, but there is no mocking in his voice, just playfulness.

I punch his shoulder lightly, but he grabs my hand and pulls me closer with it. Now we're so close I can feel the mint of the toothpaste on his breath. He lets go of my hand, and starts playing with a strand of my hair.

"I told Tanya about us," he whispers out of nowhere. "That's why she doesn't want me to hang out with you guys."

I don't know what to say to that. If it was just a one-night stand, if it meant nothing to him, why did he have to tell her? I know honesty is the key in a relationship, but to be fair, I think there are some cases where not knowing is better for both parties.

"But why does she mind you hanging out with the others?" I ask him.

"She doesn't really mind that." He smiles a little sadly.

"I don't understand. You don't hang out with them much, either," I state confusedly.

"I don't want to break up the group. Think about it, if we had to hang out separately all the time, you and I never being there at the same time, it would kill it. Or let's say there is a movie all of us want to see. Who has to sit out? I'm the reason for the problem, I should be the one who suffers."

I've never seen him this considerate, and my heart melts. I'm very aware of the fact that we're lying just a few inches away from each other, and it seems that sharing this bed, being this close helps us open up. I'm just not sure if that's a good thing.

"I can't imagine sacrificing my friends for a relationship." I whisper.

"Not even for me?" Once again, there is no mocking in his voice.

"What I meant is I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who would be okay with me sacrificing my friends for them. I don't think you would ever be okay with that."

"No, I don't think so, either," he answers softly.

"We should sleep. We're getting up early tomorrow," I say, and I reach to turn off the lamp on my nightstand. He grabs the remote control and turns off the television.

I know being this close to Edward in the dark is dangerous, so I turn my back to him before I could do something stupid. He seems to have other plans, because I can feel him inching closer and closer. In the end, we're basically cuddling, he has his arm around my waist, his chest against my back, and I can feel his breath on the back of neck.

"Is this okay?" he whispers finally, and I don't answer him. I know he knows I'm awake, but what could I say? Yes and no would both be a lie in some way. So I just try to calm my heart down from hammering like it's about to blow up.

Then I can feel his lips touching the back of my neck. The touch is barely there, so at first, I think it was on accident, but then it happens again, more firmly. I turn my head around to tell him stop, but that ends up with him kissing my lips. I don't know whether it was an accident or he wanted to do that all along, but it takes me a second to jerk my head away.

"What the hell are you doing?" I hiss at him after putting some distance between us, sitting up in the bed and turning on the lamp. I'm furious. "Edward, what actual hell are you doing?! I can't be the girl you cheat on Tanya with!"

"You're right, I shouldn't have done that, I'm sorry," he murmurs without looking at me.

"Why are you doing this, Edward? Aren't you in love with Tanya anymore?" I think I manage to keep hope out of my voice.

"I am! It's just, this bed messes with my head," he grumbles.

"You were kissing my neck last year on Jaspers birthday!" I accuse him. "Which bed messed with your head then?"

He doesn't answer, and I get even angrier.

"Edward, I told you last year. Doing this is not fair. Neither to Tanya, nor to me."

He's waits a minute before attacking back. "You were okay with sharing a bed! You were okay with cuddling! Don't put all of this on me, you had many chances to stop this, and you didn't!"

That actually does it for me. I can't stay quiet anymore, I start shouting.

"Do you even hear yourself? Are you out of your fucking mind? You are aware of my feelings; how can you blame me for this? And I'm sorry I have to remind you, but you are the one who has a freaking girlfriend! I'm not cheating on anyone with you, except myself! I only break promises I made to myself, while you tell Tanya that you go away for the weekend with the guys, then on the first night you make a move on the girl she explicitly told you not see ever again! And if you think–"

The door suddenly opens, and we see Alice and Emmett standing there.

"I'm sorry, guys, but all of us can hear you shouting, Bella," Alice says softly.

I feel my ears burn from embarrassment. "I'll go to the kitchen to make a tea," I announce, and I basically run out of the room.

Alice follows me and sits down next to counter while I wait for the water to boil. As I sit down next to her with my tea, she takes a deep breath before asking quietly. "What happened, Bella?"

I sip from my tea a little, and try to phrase it. "We kissed. On accident. Or maybe not. I don't know."

"How did it happen?" she continues softly. I can hear in her voice that she's not sure whether or not I want to talk about it. I think I do.

"We were talking while lying in the bed. But it started to freak me out. Our conversation, I mean. So then I said we should sleep, and he cuddled me from behind. I didn't say anything, but then he started kissing my neck, and I turned around to tell him to stop, but he kissed me. I don't know, maybe he just wanted to kiss the back of neck again, and I moved too quickly. Maybe he did want to kiss me. But then I told him it was not okay, and he said it was my fault, too, for not stopping him."

"What a dick!" Now Alice seems to be angry, too. "I talked to him about this, you know? I told him that until he gets rid of Tanya finally, he should keep his distance from you. And I never even imagined he would kiss you, I just warned him so he wouldn't say anything you could misinterpret."

"Yeah," I say quietly, still sipping my tea.

"I thought she was in love with Tanya."

I don't answer her. I have no idea why he's with Tanya, I never had. I also feel a little guilty because I never told Alice what happened on Jasper's birthday. I don't usually have secrets from her, but I didn't feel comfortable telling her then, and now I don't want her to know I've had a secret for a year.

"Do you want to change beds now?" Alice asks me after a minute.

"I would hate to cause any more trouble," I mumble.

"Don't be silly!" Alice slaps my shoulder. "I'll talk to Jasper, you should go and grab your stuff."

When I go back to our room, Edward pretends to be asleep, and I let him. As quickly as I can, I pack my things back into my suitcase and leave the room quietly. Jasper smiles at me as we meet at the corridor, and I shoot him an apologetic glance.

Edward doesn't say a single word to me on the rest of the weekend, and I act like I don't mind it.

---

THREE

May 2011

"I know that I can fight or I can let the lion win,
I begin to assemble what weapons I can find,
'cause sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind."

/Twenty One Pilots: Migraine/

"So do you still have a boyfriend, Bella?" Esme, Edward's and Alice's mother smiles at me during dinner at the fancy restaurant where we celebrate Alice's and Jasper's engagement. I feel like she knows the answer though. "I've heard you've been going out with a boy for quite a while."

"Yes, we started going out a little more than a year ago, but we broke up in October," I tell her shortly. I don't like the fact that every chatter around the table stopped, and now everyone is watching me.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Esme says softly. "Did you know Edward recently broke up with his girlfriend, too?"

So that's what this is about. I always knew Esme liked me, and sometimes I even felt like she would have preferred me over Tanya to be Edward's girlfriend, but she was never this straightforward about it.

"Alice told me about it, yes." I nod politely.

As a matter of fact, after Alice told me about it last month, I've been waiting for my phone to ring for days. It was stupid of me, but I thought he's going to jump on the opportunity to ask me out. Or at least to meet up, since we've barely seen each other since Emmett's graduation.

When he didn't call for a week, I thought maybe he needs some time alone after being in a relationship for three years. It still hurt, because I really missed him as my friend, too, but I was hoping he wants to be more. I once said I would wait nine years for him, a few short months now should be a piece of cake.

But last week I've heard Emmett joking about the fact that Edward has been going out with girls constantly since he broke up with Tanya, and I felt like I've been punched in the gut. And I honestly don't get it. Even when he was with Tanya, his affection for me resurfaced time and time again. I was so sure I'm not in this completely alone. And now he's not in love with anyone, there's no obvious reason we couldn't try this, but he still doesn't want to. Realizing this broke my heart more than anything he did before.

"Stop what you're doing, Mother," Edward interrupts when Esme wants to speak again. "I don't think Bella needs your matchmaking skills, and I definitely don't need them, either."

"Oh, hush now, Edward, I'm just making conversation with Bella," Esme scolds him lightly. "I haven't seen her in so long, it's such a shame."

"And is that my fault now, too?" Edward asks in a slightly annoyed voice.

"Nobody said that, darling." Esme holds his hand across the table for a second, but she doesn't exactly say no.

Carlisle is quick to change the subject, and we don't talk about Edward and me after that. When we're finished with our dinner, Carlisle and Jasper's father pay for the food.

"We're going home now, sweetie." Esme hugs Alice. "But you young people should go out, have some fun."

"That's the plan!" Emmett grins smugly.

"I'm so happy for you, darling." Esme hugs Alice again. "And you, too, honey." She squeezes Jasper's arm.

We say our goodbyes, and we head to a bar not far away from the restaurant we were eating at. We sit in a semicircular booth that is definitely not made for six people, and of course I end up being in the middle, pressed up to Edward's body. I feel like I'm suffocating, so I excuse myself to the bathroom.

I head up straight to the bar and ask for a glass of coke. I knew this is going to be a hard night, so I haven't been drinking at all. When I get my coke, I look for my bottle of pills in my bag. I take a pill from it as discreetly as I can, and I lift it to my mouth.

"What the hell are you doing?" I hear an angry voice coming from behind me, and I drop the pill accidentally. I look for it a second, but I can't find it, and it's not like I'm going to eat it off the floor. As I turn around, Edward stands in front of me.

"That's none of your business," I reply dryly, and I try to pass by him, but he grabs my arm. I need to take my pill as soon as I can, but I can't in front of him.

"Are you doing drugs?" he asks me, still looking mad for some reason.

"Oh, my, how did you never notice before that I'm a junkie?" I mock him. "It's prescribed medication, Edward, don't be stupid."

I try to move again, but he still won't let go of my arm.

"What do you need medication for?" he demands.

"As I said before, it's none of your business. Why do you care anyway?"

I push him hard, and he lets go of me finally. I realize a second too late that he took my bag in the process. I feel my throat closing up as I watch helplessly as he rummages through my stuff. For a single moment, I stupidly hope he won't find the bottle. But of course he does. He holds it up to see it better in the dim bar.

"Zoloft?" He looks at me, but he must realize I won't say anything, because he takes his phone out of his pocket, obviously to look up the med.

I just stand there and I feel the panic rise in me, but I can't move, I can't to do anything to stop him. I feel my heart race, the familiar dizziness of a panic attack rising higher and higher. For the first time in years I can't remember the steps to calm myself down. I just watch his face, lit up by the screen of his phone as he reads something, and finally looks up at me.

"Antidepressant?" he asks, and now he looks scared. He must have realized he went into a territory he didn't intend to. He opened a door, saw what's inside, and now wishes he never touched it. At the same time, I still don't know how to speak or move. I feel sweat forming on my forehead, my stomach's getting upset, but I'm paralyzed.

Edward watches me with a terrified expression on his face, and I can see his mouth moving, but I can't hear anything from the clinking in my ear. I realize I'm going to puke, and that finally pushes me over the edge, and I feel my legs moving, as I stumble towards the back door of the bar. I reach the dumpster just in time.

As I finish and look up, I see Edward standing next to me with a bottle of water in his hands, and a guilty expression on his face. I take the water from his hand, and rinse my mouth with it a few times. I still feel quite dizzy, so I sit down on the ground, and put my head between my knees.

"Bella…" I hear Edward's voice coming from my left. The last thing I want is to have him here, but I still feel pretty close to passing out, and I don't want to risk losing my consciousness alone in a backstreet. "What are you doing? Are you okay?"

"I try to make blood get to my head faster to avoid fainting," I murmur, my voice is raspy and weak. I hear him squatting next to me.

"I think you should drink more water," he suggests softly.

"I should get my fucking pill," I grumble. "And probably something sugary would be great, like the coke I fucking ordered before you attacked me."

As panic starts to leave my body, it gives space to anger. I'm suddenly furious at Edward for basically pushing me until I broke. He doesn't say anything, but I can hear him jog up to the door. He comes back in a minute. I'm feeling better, so I look up at him, and he hands me my bag with a bottle of coke.

"There." That's all he says, and then he just stands there.

I take the Zoloft, then slowly drink all of the coke. Edward sits down next to me during the process, but he doesn't say anything. I have no idea how to go on after what just happened.

"Will you tell me about it?" he asks me.

I turn my head towards him and watch him. He pulls out a pack of cigarettes from his packet, lights one, then offers the pack to me. I haven't smoked since the last time he did something stupid, and we ended up sitting outside alone, but I accept it. I'm almost done with it by the time I decide I'm going to tell him.

"I have an anxiety disorder, Edward," I tell him finally.

He stays silent for a minute. "What does that mean?"

"It means I can't handle stressful situations," I begin. "It means that sometimes stressful situations to me are everyday chores to other people. Have you ever heard me ordering my own food for example? Alice always does it for me because she knows it stresses me out. It also means that if I'm not taking my medication, I can get panic attacks. Sometimes – very rarely though – I can get them even if I take my pills right. Sometimes, there is no apparent reason for me to have a panic attack, and it still happens. It's fucked up."

"Did you have a panic attack just now?" His voice is dripping from guilt again.

"Yeah," I answer him simply.

He contemplates everything I just told him for a minute before he goes on. "Did I cause this?"

"I know you meant well." I don't know why I'm trying to make him feel better. I just had my first panic attack in almost a year, and I'm comforting him for causing it. "But yes, you pushing the subject caused it probably."

"I'm sorry for that," he apologizes, and he seems really sincere, "but I meant your disorder. Do you have it because of what happened between us?"

"Oh, god, no!" I object quickly, and I even chuckle lightly at his assumption. "People don't get GAD because of other people. Well, I'm not sure, maybe some people do, but definitely not me. Most people have anxiety because their brain does a bad job at being a brain. It doesn't function how it's supposed to, so they need medication that helps the brain be a good brain."

"Have you had a panic attack because of me before?" He drops another question.

"Edward, why are you trying to make yourself feel as guilty as possible?" I don't get his sudden interest. He never cared if he broke my heart, why does he care now if I ever had to spend half an hour trying to catch my breath because of him?

"Have you?" he insists without answering my question.

"I have," I murmur. He curses.

We sit in silence for a good ten minutes after that. He offers me another cigarette, but I don't take it, because I'm afraid I'd feel nauseous from too much nicotine. He opens his mouth a few times, like he has something to say, but he seems incapable of figuring out what.

"We should go inside. Our friends are probably worried about us by now," I speak up finally.

"I talked to them when I ran in for your coke. I told them you needed some fresh air. I also said I'd be taking care of you," he assures me, then pauses for a minute, before finally changing the subject from my condition. "Why did you break up with Alec?"

"I think the right question would be: 'Why was I with him this long?'" I smile at him.

"Yes, but that's not what I asked."

I have to take a moment to think about what I could say. "I thought he cheated on me."

Edward lifts his eyebrows surprised. "Did he?"

"No, but it doesn't matter. I broke up with him because I realized I didn't care if he cheated on me. The thought didn't hurt me at all," I admit. "I was with him because he was there, and it was comfortable. And that's just wrong."

I know this makes me a shitty person. I always knew deep down that that is the truth, I just really wanted to believe I'm over Edward. I feel terrible about it.

"Why did you break up with Tanya?" I turn the table so I don't have to focus on my guilt.

"Do you remember me telling you that relationships are never easy?"

I nod.

"I realized they weren't supposed to be this hard though." He smiles sadly. "One day, I just woke up and realized that I spend more days feeling miserable than I spend feeling even remotely happy. And that… God, that felt like a punch to my face. So we broke up, and I decided I'm done with relationships. At least for a few years. This is the age to have fun, right?"

I hate to feel my heart clench. Whatever false hope I've had about Edward realizing his feelings for me are now gone. He doesn't want anyone. And he definitely doesn't want me.

"Let's go inside. It's getting chilly out here," I tell him dryly, and stand up to head towards the door without looking back to check if he's following me.

---

FOUR

September 2012

"You've got a hold on me,
you're like a wasted dream,
I give you everything,
but you don't know how to love me when you're sober."

/Selena Gomez: Sober/

I.)

"You look amazing," Edward tells me and pulls me closer as we dance. I try to keep the appropriate distance, and I try to keep his hands on my waist instead of my bum, but I seem to fight a losing battle on both fronts.

"You look drunk," I inform him with an amused smile.

"I want to show you something," he announces suddenly with a smirk that I'm sure was meant to be seductive.

"I'm not going to ruin Alice's wedding with risking someone sees us fucking in a bush," I joke halfheartedly. He laughs as he drags me off the dance floor.

"I've been here a dozen times, Edward." I try to stop him. The wedding party is held in the Cullens' huge garden. Esme did a stunning job with the decoration, I feel like I'm in the fairies' land.

"No, I'm going to show you something new!" Edward shouts excitedly. His good mood seems to be infectious, so I follow him to who knows where. He drags me behind the house, we do pass some bushes, and after a five-minute walk, I find myself in a little playground. Edward sits down on one of the swings, and pulls me to stand between his legs. He hugs my waist with his hand, and slightly looks up at me, though we're almost on the same eyelevel even with him sitting. "My father built this, did you know?"

I don't mention the fact that up until this minute I didn't even know this place existed. I just smile at him and try to figure out why he brought me here. He doesn't say anything, just looks at me, and we start to sway a little on the rhythm of the distant music.

I can't pinpoint the moment he decides he's going to kiss me. I know I have the chance to not let him. I also know I'm going to hate myself for being weak. But in this second, I really just want to feel whole for a few minutes. When his lips reach mine after so many years of longing, I expect to see fireworks and hear angels singing.

He's a damn good kisser, that's for sure, but I don't feel like I'm going to explode. I know it's ridiculous to think it's going to feel like it did for the first time, but my heart is thumping out of fear, not excitement, and that can't be normal. I kiss him back, even as our mouths open, and he pushes his tongue in my mouth, but my mind is filled with doubt, fear and desperation.

He pulls me closer, and I put my arms loosely around his neck, I even bite his lower lip playfully, but I'm waiting for the minute when it's inevitably going to be too much for me, and I can finally push him away. It happens probably after a few minutes of teenager styled kissing, but it feels like it was a second and a year at the same time.

"We can't do this. Or at least I can't." I whisper before I run away.

II.)

A week later we go out drinking like we sometimes do on Saturdays. It's just Emmett, Rosalie, Edward and me, since Alice and Jasper are still in Europe enjoying their honeymoon.

I try to lie to myself that I don't know where this is going, and to help that, I drink as much as I can. With the help of therapy, I've been off my meds for more than a year now, so I can finally drink mostly freely.

I can barely stand on my legs by the time we step into the club. Things are getting blurry, and I find myself dancing with Edward, Rose and Emmett nowhere to be seen. I feel alcohol buzz in my body as I grin up at him, and find him smile down at me with the same drunk eyes.

A guy tries to pass behind me and pushes me to Edward's chest in the process. Edward's arms circulate my waist automatically, and I put mine around his neck. I bury my head into his chest and inhale his scent. It's the same as it was four years ago save the weed. I'm fully aware that the drinks I've had are leading what I'm doing, but I still lift my head from his chest and push my cheek to his. He turns his head a little, and I can see his smile from the corner of my eyes for a second before he kisses me.

I don't know what's different, but I feel the explosion. And that scares me more than I thought was possible. As I feel him trying to pull me closer, I can't breathe, and even through the haze of alcohol, I know it's not right. I escape. "We shouldn't do this." I mumble, and I run out.

As I get into a cab, I look back to the entrance of the club. He's not there. He didn't follow me to try to make me stay. I feel relief and sadness wash over me. He didn't follow me.

III.)

My doorbell rings, and I freeze. I'm in an old, stained white T-shirt I use on laundry days, and a pair of old mom jeans from a thrift shop. Who the hell shows up at 9 p.m. on a Sunday evening without calling first? Alice moved out years ago, and I never actually got around to find someone else for our apartment that was always way too small for two people to begin with.

As I open the door, Edward almost walks over me as he pushes his way in.

"I think it's time for the X-men marathon we always talk about!" he announces with a child's enthusiasm as he puts some stuff on my coffee table. He brought Chinese takeout, some DVD cases and a six-pack of beer.

"Hello, Edward, how kind of you to show up uninvited on a Sunday night!" I mock him as reluctantly close the door.

"Come on, we've been planning this for ages!" He looks at me, and he's already sitting on my couch with his feet on my coffee table. I still haven't moved from my spot next to the door.

"I have to work tomorrow, Edward, I can't spend the night watching like eight movies," I scold him. He surprised me so much that it takes me a few seconds to realize that this should be awkward after what happened last night, but the embarrassment crawls up in my chest as I look at him.

"Only five movies, and we can even skip the Wolverine, I don't like that one too much," he says as he's already approaching my DVD player. "Come on, if you fall asleep in the meantime, we can finish them some other time. What would you do if I wouldn't be here?"

Probably agonize about you until two in the morning. But I can't tell him that.

"I'd sleep?" I ask in a cynical tone.

"Cut the bullshit, it's 9 in the evening, grandma." He laughs as he sits back down with the remote in his hand.

I realize there's zero chance he's going to give up, so I sigh deeply, then go and sit down next to him on couch. I make sure to not touch him, but I also don't want to be ridiculous and sit as far away from him as possible. As the first movie starts, I reach for the food and the chopsticks. I didn't eat much during the day, having a light hangover and spending my time mainly with agonizing, so I'm fairly hungry.

We eat in silence, watching the movie and sometimes sipping on our beer. After half an hour, I'm still pretend to focus on the movie intently, but I actually concentrate on trying to ignore the fact that Edward is so close to me that if I move at all, my body touches his. He moves his arm to put over my shoulder just as I get up and excuse myself to the bathroom.

I wash my face and look at myself in the mirror. What the actual hell am I doing? Or rather, what is he doing? Our friendship started to grow again after our breakups, but it was still fragile, and we didn't really spend time alone, it was always in a group. This is weird, especially after what happened in the days before.

I exit my bathroom with a definite will to tell him to leave, but as I stand in front of him, he grabs my hand and pulls me firmly to sit on his lap. I collapse on him, and before I could realize what's going on, he's kissing me softly. It's the first kissed we share without being drunk – if I'm not counting the one after Emmett's graduation, and I'm not counting that – and I'm so overwhelmed that I don't think about what this means.

As his kisses become hungrier, he slowly changes our position so I'm lying on my back on the couch and he's hovering over me, leaning on his elbows on both sides of my head. There's a thought in the back of my head, saying we shouldn't do this, that this is wrong, but I can ignore it pretty easily as our clothes start to come off. Maybe he's not ready to love me with his heart, so he loves me with his body.

---

FIVE

May 2013

"There's something that I need you to know:
it's nothing like the life we wanted.
You better move on, 'cause I'm ready for
more than this. Whatever it is."

/Mika: Rain/

"Do you have plans tonight?" he asks me as I leave the bathroom after my morning shower and step in the kitchen area.

He puts a mug of coffee in my hand, and I take a sip, and reach for the plate of crackers on my counter. As I'm chewing on a piece, I'm trying to figure out how to word what I want to say. "It's not working," I choke up.

"Oh, don't worry about it," he shrugs, and he kisses my forehead before he heads towards my bathroom. "Just make sure you're free on Friday. It's this corporate dinner I told you about, and I need to bring someone, because it's always just couples."

"Edward, wait!" I shout before he could shut the bathroom door. "I don't mean tonight. I mean us."

He turns slowly with a worried expression on his face.

"What about us?" he asks; his tone a little irritated.

"I can't do this anymore." I struggle with my tears.

He watches me with a puzzled look before he seems to realize something. "You've met someone?"

"NO!" I cry out. "Edward, for heaven's sake. I just can't do this anymore. You bring me to your parent's anniversary and you hold my hand all night. You bring me to corporate parties. You spend most of your nights in my bed, and I'm so used to you making the coffee in the mornings that I actually just skip it if you're not here to do it."

He's looking confused again, so I go on.

"But you still can't introduce me as your girlfriend to anyone. You think I don't see it when you text other girls you sometimes hook up with. You can't make any plans with me if it involves a weekend away or something that I could misinterpret as a date of sorts."

I run out of words and breath while he just stands there in his underwear, seemingly startled.

"You were okay with it, Bella," he warns me finally.

"Yes," I admit as the first tear escapes my eyes. "And I'm telling you that I'm not okay with it anymore."

"What changed?" he asks, and he still doesn't get it.

"Nothing. Everything. Edward, when this started, I thought it will either end with you falling in love with me, or me falling out of love with you. And it's been almost a year, and neither had happened, and I have to face the fact that I was stupid, and I have to have pride, and I have to love me more than let you hurt me this much. I have to love me more than I love you."

"You never told me I hurt you," he murmurs.

"You freaked out when I asked if I should get you something for Christmas!" I shout, now full on crying. "Edward, I bought presents for coworkers I barely even know! But I couldn't get you a present because that somehow would have made this too real for you! How the hell was I supposed to tell you that you ditching me to go out on an actual date with someone else hurt me? I would have overstepped my boundaries!"

He leans against the doorframe, and covers his face with his hand. We stand there for a few minutes, me silently crying, him rubbing his face.

"You want us to be exclusive?" he sighs finally.

"NO!" I shout.

"No?!" He seems upset. Mostly confused and irritated, but there's almost some fear in his eyes.

"No! I don't want to force you to be with me when you don't want to be! You should feel like you don't need somebody else! I should be enough!" At this point, I'm actually trembling with anger and heartache.

"Bella, you have to realize how unfair you are right now! You start yelling your problems at me after keeping them to yourself for a long time, and you don't even give me the chance to fix them. You should have told me about this earlier, and you really should have given me the chance to try to make it right. You say you wanted a relationship, but this is not how relationships work! They're not about breaking up without even talking about it, working on stuff!"

This only makes me angrier. How can he act like I'm the one at fault here?

"Edward, there's no point in working on this!" I choke up, struggling with talking now more from being furious than crying. "I spent the last five years of my life in one way or other waiting for you to see me. I can't wait more."

He takes a few big steps toward me, and then some more when I stumble backwards until my back hits the wall.

"You don't have to wait more," he whispers as he holds the sides of my head with his hands. "You announce you wanted me to call you my girlfriend, but now you don't even give me the chance to do so."

I choke on a sob again before I manage to talk. "Edward, there's only so much time I can endure loving you without you loving me back."

"I do love you!" he hisses at me. It pisses me off even more.

"But you are not in love with me!" I yell at him.

"I never tried to be," he mumbles.

"If I've learned anything from the past few years, it's that one can't control their feelings. No matter how hard you try," I whisper. I take a deep breath, and I continue in a steady voice. "What you can offer to me is no longer enough."

He leaves looking hurt, as if he has no idea how much more this hurt me.

---

SIX

---

SEVEN

---

EIGHT

October 2016

"If I keep my eyes closed he feels just like you,
but you've been replaced,
I'm face to face with someone new."

/Halsey: Eyes Closed/

"Congratulations again!" Alice approaches me after her toast as I wait for my drink at the bar. She hugs me tight, then we just smile at each other.

"Thank you! And thank you for what you just said. You kind of ruined my makeup with making me cry, but thank you anyway." I hug her again.

"Well, hold on to that gratitude, because you're not going to love me too much in a few minutes," she says with an apologetic smile.

"What?" I look at her with confusion. I take my wine from the counter and wait for her explanation.

"Edward is in the city." Even after all these years, my heart still clenches a little when I hear his name. I feel panic rise in me. No! I'm not ready to face him. I'm not sure I'll ever be ready, but the night of my engagement party is definitely not the time. "I'm so sorry. But he said he wants to come say hi, and I told him he shouldn't a thousand times, but he just texted me he'll be here in a few minutes."

"Who will be here in a few minutes?" I hear Mike's curious voice from behind me, and he puts his arm around my waist loosely as he stands next to me.

"Alice's brother," I answer him as I try to calm down, and I'm proud that my voice is mostly steady.

"You mean Edward?" he asks, and his tone is a little tighter this time.

"Yes."

There's an awkward pause, before Mike speaks up. "Thank you for your kind words, Alice. If you could excuse us for a second, I'd like to talk to my fiancé."

"Sure," Alice replies, and Mike is already tugging me to a more secluded area of the restaurant.

"Did you know about this?" he asks, and I can see that he tries very hard not to sound harsh.

"Do I look like I knew about this?" I retort, and I don't even try not to sound annoyed.

"I'm sorry," he apologizes immediately, and it's one of the reasons I said yes to his proposal. He's always so considerate and quick to admit if he was wrong. "I just don't like the fact that he chose this night to try and reconnect with you."

"Mike," I start, putting my arms around his neck as I talk, "tonight we're celebrating the fact that we decided to get married. Whatever has happened between Edward and I, whatever feelings I've head for him, it was all before I met you. They don't matter anymore."

He smiles at me and leans down to kiss me, but before his lips could touch mine, Edward interrupts.

"I hear congratulations are in order."

I lower my arms from Mike's shoulders, but I hold his hand reassuringly as I slowly turn to face Edward.

"I don't remember inviting you to the party," I announce, my voice cold as ice.

"Bella…" He smiles at me, and pulls me in a tight hug. I pull away after a few seconds, and try to ignore my heart's painful thumping. I won't let him have this power over me, never again.

"Let me introduce you to my fiancé," I say harshly. "Edward, this is Michael Newton."

Mike offers his hand to Edward, and Edward take a second too long to accept it. I'm not sure yet what his game is, but I have a feeling I won't like it.

"Would you mind if I stole your fiancé for a quick chat?" Edward asks Mike, his eyes glinting mischievously. "I haven't seen her in ages, we have a lot of catching up to do."

"To be honest, I'd prefer to spend the night celebrating with my fiancé, so actually, I would mind," Mike snaps with a hostility I've never seen from him before.

"It's okay, Mike." I surprise even myself with my words. "I'm going to take a walk with Edward. You should go and try talk to my dad, I can't marry a man who is afraid of my father," I joke to make the tension a little looser, but it only makes things worse. I can see Mike's ears turning red with embarrassment while a smug smirk appears on Edward's face.

I drag Edward out before he could comment on what I've said. We walk around the building of the restaurant, and I wait for him to speak, but he just watches his feet.

"Are you actually going to say something, or you just wanted to make Mike angry?" I snap at him.

"There's so much to say, I don't know where to start," he admits as he glances at me shortly.

"Why are you here, Edward?" I ask tiredly.

"Because I made a mistake. Well, more like a thousand mistakes."

"NO!" I shout before I realize we're on the street. I try to calm down a little before I continue. "Don't even start, Edward. Don't start knocking on this door, I walled it up."

He doesn't say anything for a short minute, before he pulls me towards a bench. We sit down, and he takes a few deep breaths.

"Please, don't take this the wrong way," he starts finally, "but you said I had nine years."

At this, I actually laugh out loud. He looks at me as if I was crazy.

"You can't be serious," I tell him dryly after my chuckles die down. "A 20-year-old stupid little girl tells you she offers you nine years, and you think she's going to actually wait nine years? You're hilarious!"

"Bella, I was so stupid," he pleads.

"Damn right, you're stupid!" I announce. "You're also too late!"

"No way!" he yells, then grabs the back of my head and kisses me. I won't admit it later, but it takes me a few seconds to push him away.

"You fucker!" I yell, and I feel my heartrate beat up abnormally. No, not this! I try to calm myself down, but I already feel dizzy as I realize I'm grasping for air.

"Bella, I– Are you okay?"

I feel like choking. I close my eyes and try to relax my muscles and focus on calming my breathing, but all I can think about is Edward being here, Edward seeing this, Edward kissing me, Edward ruining everything, how will I tell Mike, my wedding is ruined, my life is ruined, Edward, Edward, Edward.

"Shit, you're having a panic attack!"

I have to calm down, Edward, I can't do this here, Mike, Edward, Mike.

"What do I do? Should I call an ambulance?"

I shake my head.

"Do you have your meds with you?"

I shake my head.

My world is crumbling down. It's falling on me. I'm chocking. I can't breathe. I. Can't. Breathe.

I feel Edward hands grabbing my wrist and massaging my pulse. I can't breathe.

I don't know how much time passes like this. I hear him talk to me in a hushed voice, but it sounds like he speaks through water. After what feels like forever, I realize I'm coming out of the attack. My body is tired as I can finally catch my breath.

"Is it better?" Edward whispers. I only nod.

He lets go of my wrists, and we sit there in silence for a few more minutes.

"I'm really sorry, Bella, I didn't want to…" He doesn't finish his sentence, so I will never know what he didn't want.

"The road to hell is paved with good intention." My voice is raspy and hostile.

"Bella, I– I can't believe it took me so long to realize this. And I can't possible tell you how much of an idiot I was, but I can't let you do this. In the past year, every time I went to bed alone, all I could think about was you. I only saw your face."

If I wasn't feeling a little out of it still, I would probably laugh again.

"Edward, this isn't a shitty romantic comedy where the male lead shows up last minute to proclaim his love and they live happily ever after."

"Yes, I know. If it was, I would show up at your wedding, right before you say yes to that–"

"Don't you dare say a single bad thing about Mike! I love him and he's good to me!" I snap at him.

His face falls a little before he continues. "Do you love him more than you loved me?"

"It doesn't matter," I tell him dryly. "What matters is that I don't love him more than he loves me. I'm on equal grounds with him, I don't have to feel less than anymore."

"Don't you feel like you're settling for something when you could have so much more?" His voice is desperate. I think he finally began to realize that I won't fall into his arms as he expected to.

"No," I tell him calmly. "I feel like I'm finally in a healthy relationship. I was at a very bad place when we broke it off, and it took a lot of effort and patience on Mike's part to make me see that it can be easy."

Edward stands up and start pacing back and forth, deep in thought.

He suddenly turns to me. "You once told me that you broke up with Alex because you realized you were only with him because it was comfortable. How can you not see that you're doing the same thing now?"

I stand up, too, because even as I try to control my temper to avoid upsetting myself again, I can't help but get angry.

"Edward, stop this!" I demand. "You have the nerve to come here after years of radio silence and start making assumptions about my relationship… You don't know Mike, you don't know what we are like together, hell, you don't even know me anymore!"

"I know you better than that fucker!" Edward yells, and he grabs the sides of my face. He presses his lips to mine, but this time I push him away immediately.

"Fuck you!" I spit at him as I try to shake his hands off me, but he doesn't let me, and pulls me in again.

"Bella, please," he whimpers as kisses me again, and his voice breaks my heart. I suddenly lose all the fight and anger in me. His hands hold my face tightly as he presses short, sweet kisses on my lips. I really missed his kisses.

I find myself opening my mouth to him and circling my arms around his neck. He clashes his tongue to mine and I feel dizzy again, only this time, it's good dizzy. He groans as he presses his lips even harder to mine, and I moan.

"I really hoped it wouldn't come to this." I hear Mike's voice suddenly, and a scream would escape me if my lips weren't otherwise occupied. I quickly pull back my arms from around Edward's neck and push him away as hard as I can. He stumbles back a few steps, and he seems confused and hurt for a second before his eyes land on Mike. He probably didn't even hear him talk.

"Mike, I can explain!" I manage to squeeze out, but even I have no idea how I would do it.

"I really wish you could, Bella," Mike says with a sad smile. "But I've been standing here for fifteen seconds, giving you more than enough time to push him away if he was forcing himself on you. I really wanted you to, but instead, you fucking moaned!"

"She's in love with me!" Edward exclaims, victory all over his face.

"You shut the hell up!" I yell at him. I can't believe think he won. "I'm really sorry, Mike, you didn't deserve this, and I feel horrible. Seeing Edward after so many years fucked with my head, and I… it was a onetime mistake."

"You can't be serious!" Edward speaks up again. "Why would you want to stay with him?"

"Why can't you just leave?" I scream at him. "Why are you so hell-bent on screwing up my happiness?

Edward looks hurt again, but I can't find it in myself to feel sorry for him.

"The party is over," Mike starts again. "I came looking for you because you were gone for more than an hour, and our friends and family left. I brought you your coat and bag."

I suddenly realize he's holding my stuff, and I hesitantly take it from him.

"Go home, Bella. I'll call my parents and friends tomorrow and tell them the engagement is off."

"No!" I scream. "No, don't do this, Mike, please."

"Tell me you're not in love with him anymore, Bella!" Mike raises his voice for the first time tonight. Maybe the first time since I've known him. Whatever I want to say dies in my throat. Mike sees this, and he gives me another out. "Okay, then tell me that at least you love me more than you love him."

Tears start running down my face as Mike turns around and starts walking away.

---

NINE

January 2018

"Every now and then the stars align.
Boy and girl meet by the great design.
Could it be that you and me are the lucky ones?"

/Lana Del Rey: Lucky Ones/

"Double vodka!" I yell to the bartender. I feel rather drunk, but why the hell would I stop. In the two years that I've spent with Mike, I rarely drank a glass of wine, let alone got drunk, because Mike didn't "believe in alcohol". God, how did I not see how pretentious that was.

My shot arrives, and I drink it quickly before slamming my glass on the counter. I start looking around for my friends, but I don't see anybody around. I go back to the dancefloor, hoping they would find me there, and start swaying my hips to the music.

Just as I start glancing around again, I feel an arm circling around my waist, pulling me to someone's body. I turn around immediately, and I almost scream out of frustration as I see a familiar chest. I look up at Edward's face, and before I could snap at him for being here, he's already kissing me. His arms pull me close, close enough for me to feel his hard-on, and I can't help but rub myself to him a little. He groans into my mouth, and I decide I've had enough. I pull away, shooting him a death-glare, and I point to corridor leading to the bathrooms with my fingers.

He gets what I want, a place where the music doesn't make it impossible for us to talk, and he follows me there.

"What the hell are you doing here, Edward?" I snap at him angrily.

"I really wanted to see you," he says, and I notice he can't keep his eyes off my chest. My dress has a rather deep neckline, showing off my breast area, so I fold my arms in front of it to cover it up and make it easier for him to focus on what I'm saying.

"Eyes up here, douchebag!" I grumble. "You really shouldn't have followed me here! We've talked about this many times, Edward!"

"I know, okay?" he whines, and I can see he's actually ashamed. "I honestly just needed to see you."

He's looking so sad after that admission that I don't know have it in me to stay angry at him, so when he pulls me to his chest, I hug his waist. I look up at him, and I can feel my heart swell up the same way it did in this very same club almost a decade ago. I'm so pathetic.

He smiles warmly at me before he kisses me again. Yes, my heart burns the same way under his lips, too. He presses soft kisses all over my cheeks before coming back to my lips, and deepening the kiss. I grab the back of his neck and try to pull his lips closer as he pushes my back against the corridor's wall. We make out for a few minutes before I hear a mumbled "Get a room!" from someone passing by.

Edward pulls away and chuckles before asking, "What do you say we go home and fuck each other senseless?"

I really want to hold onto my pride and tell him no, but looking at his shit-eating smirk I'm fairly sure he already knows my answer.

I text my friends while sitting in the cab to tell them I'm too drunk so I decided to head home. I'm too ashamed to tell them the truth, that I left because of Edward. They would be really angry at me if they knew.

As the cab stops, Edward throws some money at the driver, and he pulls me out of the car quickly. He presses a quick kiss on my lips before grabbing my hand and basically running up to the apartment. He opens the door and the minute I step inside, he shuts it behind me and presses me against it.

He tears the scarf off of me and his lips start wandering around my neck and jaw. A small moan escapes me as I push him away a little. He actually pouts as I laugh at him.

"I just want to get rid of the four layers I have on me, and it's easier if I'm not pushed against a door," I grin at him as I quickly hang my coat up, and he follows my lead. When he's down to just his shirt and jeans and I only have my dress on, I start pushing him towards the bedroom. He stumbles a little as he has to walk backwards at a rather fast pace, but I don't slow down. I tuck his shirt out of his jeans and start unbuttoning it. By the time the back of his legs hit the edge of the huge bed, I can push his shirt down his shoulders.

He leans down to kiss me, but his hands soon find the edge of my dress, and he pulls it over my head quickly. He unbuttons and pushes down his jeans, and he basically throws me to the bed. He climbs over me slowly, and I pull his face to mine. We suddenly stop hurrying as we start kissing slowly, sensually. My hands are roaming over his back, tracing his muscles while his hands are wandering around on my sides, caressing me lightly.

After a few minutes, he pulls me up a little with one hand to sneak the other one under my back to unclasp my bra. It only takes him a few seconds, and my bra joins our other clothes on the floor. He continues kissing me silly while his hands start pinching my nipples and massaging my breasts. I can't help but gasp into his mouth, and I can feel his lips curve up a little with a smirk.

I reach out to touch his cock and earn a smug smirk myself, but he grabs my hands and pushes them over my head, holding them down as he starts kissing my chest. His tongue plays with my nipple, and I start rubbing myself to him harder. He goes back to kissing my mouth as he lets go of my hands for a second to remove the last of our underwear. He looks down as he grabs himself and guides himself into me, then the minute he enters me, he kisses me and pushes my hands above my head again.

He starts moving slowly, and as his lips leave mine and his eyes bore into mine as he moves, I can't help think exactly what I thought ten years ago: that even though this started with two drunk people turning each other on, it feels more like love making than hungry sex.

The intimacy of this all is almost too much, and I start to close my eyes.

"Don't!" he whispers hoarsely, and I force my eyes to stay open. I wrap my legs tighter around his waist, and this allows him to enter me a little deeper, making me gasp. He presses a slow kiss on my lips, and I can feel both of our climax building.

I fall apart, and he follows me not a minute later. After he rolls of me, he lies on his side, and pulls me close to start kissing my face again. I grab the side of his face, and pull down his mouth for a loud, sloppy kiss.

"I love you so much, you have no idea," he whispers on my lips.

"And I hate you," I announce dryly. "You made me the lamest bride ever. I left my bachelorette party to have sex with my fiancé."

His laugh is beautiful as ever before he kisses me again.

As I put my head on his chest, his arm holding me close to his body, I start thinking about the first time we slept together. This time, we sleep cuddling. This time, I can fall asleep knowing I love him and he loves me back.

THE END

---

A/N: Thank you for joining me on this decade long journey. As it must be obvious, English is not my first language, so feel free to leave a review or message me with any kind of mistake you find in my writing.

Reacting to some of your reviews: This story is mostly based on my own personal love life, so much so that some of the dialogues are based on my diary entries. I actually made the nine years deal with this boy, and almost all of the things in the first five years of this actually did happen, even though some settings were a little different in real life. I've fallen in love with this horrible boy over six years ago now, and when I first started this story (actually months ago), I really wanted to give this the ending I would deserve. One where I (and Bella) finally learn to say no and do what's best for us. But that didn't feel right, and I realized I need to give Bella and Edward a happy ending to give a sort of closure to myself. I know it doesn't seem fair to Bella, it's not, but I know myself enough to know that I could still fall for the games of this motherfucker, because sometimes love is just pathetic. Wish me luck with avoiding to do so.
Due to the things written above, I'm sorry but I can't tell you about Edward's thoughts and motivations, but if you have any idea about why he does these thing, tell me, please, because I really would love to know.