This is who I am.
A liar.
This is the world I created for myself. I live it every day. I feel the guilt consume me always. I look at my husband and I love him. I look at my husband and I hate myself. I look at him and no longer see the boy who took me from the snow or the man who took Maxie into his bed. I only see him. I see his tender moments, I see his insecurities. I love him and I get angry with him. I love him and I want to hold him. I love him no matter what else I feel…
I should remember that. There should never be a time that I forget it. But there is.
I look at my child, the child born of lies. I cannot regret the night spent conceiving him for he is beautiful. There is no part of him that I am not grateful for. But in him I see his father. I see his father and I love him. I hate his life, I hate his world and I pretend it isn't there because I love him. I love the father of my child and I cannot stop no matter how hard I try. He forgave me of my sins against him, he forgave me and I love him.
That is the problem. I love them both.
This is who I am.
An adulterer.
I have a house built of cards, I wait with bated breath for my world to be knocked apart, for the gust of wind to blow it all to pieces and leave me crying in it's wake. I wait. The moment doesn't come. I hope it never will. I hate myself for it. I do. I know exactly who I am. I love two men. I lie to one of them and the other I steal moments from. Lies I have no right to tell. Moments I have no right to steal. No matter who else I blame, no matter what I scream at those who accuse me of my own misdeeds…I know where the blame lies. I've been defensive my whole life and it's a habit I can't break now. They are right but I will never let them know that, I can't let them know that.
I should try and change. I do try. I can't.
Though I tell myself that my son is safer with my husband I cannot reconcile keeping him from his father. Although my husband loves us and is happy I cannot reconcile my lying to him. It is the right thing, this is what I should do. Because of this lie my son is safe and that is what matters most. For above all I must protect my children, my two beautiful children, I love them most of all. This is the best path, my only path, the safest path. I look in the mirror, I repeat it over and over until my sight gets blurry and tears run down my cheeks.
This is who I am
A mother.
They are both good men and they are both bad men. They both have sins I'd like to forget completely and when I stare into their eyes, when I see the gentle curve of their lips into a smile only for me I do. But I don't forget mine. I'll never forget mine. They both have done so much for me, more then I could ever repay and I know that. They have sacrificed for my happiness. How can I do this to them? How can I love them both? Want them both?
I live in two worlds and I want to stay in both forever. I know it's wrong and I can't help it. I try, I do. Every day I resolve myself to stay with my husband, my beloved husband. I can't. I go. I flee. When I look at the father of my child I freeze, I know it is wrong to want him and so I run from him as well. I walk the line. Never giving myself fully to either one and it isn't fair. It's not fair to give them everything and nothing at that same time. It satisfies none and leaves us all longing for something we'll never truly have.
I want to do the right thing.
But this who I am.
A human.