Disclaimer: I do not own or make money from Death Note, never have never will.
Suggested Listening: Let me Down – Kelly Clarkson
Let Me Down
Matt wiggled the little object between his fingers, almost like one would with a coin but with more difficulty given the shape and thickness. He was unsure as to what to think of it. Its smooth circular surface, onyx tones and simple etching were quite pretty, but its meaning was what had him hooked. Thinking. He knew he had never been meant to find it, that Mello had intended to surprise him. Yet he thought that perhaps it was for the best. He might have gotten caught up in the moment, and gone with what he felt, what Mello meant with it. Now he had a chance to think, to really delve into the heart of the matter. Matt loved him, but time and time again Mello proved that love simply wasn't enough.
All those nights he spent alone, waiting up for someone who did not return. All the forgotten birthdays, special holidays, and anniversaries. All the times he had been left on the bed, wanting. Mello was not someone who forgot something that was important to him. He could remember every single scrap of information in the thick stacks of case files, but he could not even manage a simple Happy Birthday or an acknowledgment that they had been together for over six years on that specific day?
Matt could not even count the times something special had been planned only for Mello to 'forget' or to suddenly be busy. He often wondered if he was reading too much into all of this. That Mello simply got caught up in things, obsessed like he had with the Kira case, but then he would recall how even during that case Mello took time out for a small cupcake with a candle on top or a romantic dinner of fancy ramen noodle cups over a broken coffee table.
It was more than the 'forgotten' dates. It was the way he seemed distant, uninterested at times. As though Mello would prefer to work over spending time with him. Matt knew where Mello's passions lay―those had not changed since a child―but he had always been included. Now he felt almost an outsider in his own apartment. He missed the nights when Mello would gaze at him hungrily over the edge of his reading material, and put it aside to fuck him into whatever available surface was nearby. And the way they would retire to bed after, lying curled together in comfortable silence.
Matt continued to roll the warmed metal between his fingers, slower now, and sighed with a heavy weight forming on his chest. This one little object, did it change things? Was it a promise of everything they should be sharing? They were so good together, amazing when it was going right, but when things were strained Matt wondered why he lingered. This thing, this little piece of jewelry, was making his head spin.
Matt knew better, he really did. He knew exactly what would happen. It would be a few months of normalcy, and then it would turn back into exactly what it was now. He should have said something when it first started, the longer hours pouring over each new case, more than one missed important date but he hadn't and for that he was partly at fault. Mainly, it was Mello's fault for not being there. Every time he was certain things were on the up, Mello proved him wrong. And always when it was important, when it counted. It wasn't fair.
Matt jerked his head up at the sound of a slammed door. "Matt, I'm home." Mello called from the other room.
The object slipped over his knuckle and fell to the floor in a soft thud. He stared at it for a long moment before bending down to pick it up. With it concealed in his hand, he headed from the room. Mello had just slung his jacket over the coat hanger and turned around when he entered the living room space. It was unfair how gorgeous Mello looked in leather, and it only made it more difficult when Matt tried to think of the last time he had touched him.
If only the things that Mello promised actually happened. He smiled a little though, and Mello stared levelly at him, dropping a thick folder onto the counter as he approached.
"I love you," he forced Mello close with a hand behind his head, and kissed him. Every part of of his body was electrified by the contact. And for a change Mello fell into the kiss, gave back just as much and it only made things harder for Matt. He could almost taste the Mello he knew in that moment, knew that he could push as much as he wanted and things would go fast and hard and the sex would be great. The weight in his clenched hand grounded him and he ended the kiss.
Matt brushed his thumb along Mello's jaw as he pulled away. Blue eyes fluttered open and a soft smile appeared. It broke his heart. Because it was fleeting, and always would be. They could be something he knew it but Mello always let him down.
He placed the ring on the counter, knowing full well Mello's eyes were on the motion. He caught the surprise in Mello's expression as he moved away and though it tore at his insides when Mello questioned him, called out to him, he did not stop walking.
-End-