(Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters)
Chapter One: Desperate Times…
London: August 5th 1899
Unlike most stories it was not a dark and stormy night, where our tale began, no in fact this story began on a baking blistering Sunday, where it was so hot outside matches lit themselves.
People were burning up in this great heat, as was shown when the clothes on two tramps burst into flame causing the pair to dive in the river.
Yes it was hot, hot, HOT…except in the offices of M15 the nerve center of British defense, which I may add had the world's first (and only at that time) air conditioner, which was manned and powered by 186 juvenile delinquents but I'm getting off topic.
The head of M15 Mycroft Holmes the brother of Sherlock Holmes was doing paperwork at the time and hadn't been aware that he was missing the keys to the British museum, (or it's secret annex at least.)
"I realize now" he said later "how stupid it was to submit to a full body check…seriously I'm the head of British bloody intelligence."
According to eyewitnesses and some random freako named Ally Sloper, we found that the keys had been stolen by a doctor who shall remain nameless at this time.
The keys were then used to break into and loot the British museum of everything that wasn't nailed down, an easy feat seeing as no thanks to the heat the police were staying in the river (thanks a lot you (censored)).
Needless to say after this was discovered a week later, when the heat died down (and destroyed almost all the cloth in England) Mycroft knew something had to be done.
"Of course the only problem, is that we have no minions to (censored) these rapscallions" said Mycroft so looking for people to form a scab League, to replace the absence of a proper League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Mycroft selected members for what would later be known as "the League of Fools."
The first man to get in was Colonel Sebastian Moran an English crime boss, and minion of the presumably deceased Professor Moriarty, Moran was an excellent shot with his "air rifle" a fantastic device which while resembling a shotgun shot regular bullets and made almost no noise.
However the Colonel has been prone to bad luck recently and has suffered various accidents, one which occurred while playing cricket when he got hit with a cricket ball and was sent aloft, the colonel crashed in China were the people there upon seeing his landing simply shrugged and went back to work remarking under their breath "silly English (censored))."
The second man selected was Dr. Alphonse Moreau, a brilliant surgeon who through surgery made various animals humanoid, and was the founder of both the study of genetic engineering…and Furry Fandom.
However the doctor was prone to random outbursts of utter nonsense, which Mycroft dismissed as "lunacy."
The third member was a man known as Popeye the Sailor, who was arguably the only competent member of the group.
Strong as an ox, tough as nails, somewhat smart, and could drive a ship through even the toughest storms this man had more then enough strength to make up for his colleagues incompetence…good for him.
The fourth member was a German Baron named Karl Freidrich Hieonymous Von Münchausen, who had been famed for his many greats feats and deeds (most of which we're still trying to prove) which include being swallowed by a whale, riding a cannon ball, going to the Moon, and pulling himself out of a swamp with his own bootstraps.
However he was cursed with an instinct to bet money on almost any possible wager, for example he once bet 999999999 pounds that he could spit farther then someone else (which he did) however if he should lose he would probably lose all his money.
And lastly Hawley Griffin the REAL Hawley Griffin, contrary to popular belief he didn't get tortured to death by the late Edward Hyde, instead the man killed was an imposter named Tomas Marvel who had rebuilt Griffin's invisibility formula, and used it to help him rape young English schoolgirls (which caused him to lose weight that kind of thing does that to you) until he went to work for the First Murry League now Griffin like Marvel was a sex fiend, but unlike Marvel he talked women into having sex with him his logic being that "ladies dig invisible men."
British intelligence agent Campion Bond gave this eyewitness account, when he went to his hideout at "Miss Rosa Coote's Correctional Academy For Wayward Gentlewomen."
"I went through the halls of the establishment with a squad of ten and twenty policemen for protection, after two hours searching we finally found a room with a bed that appeared to contain two young schoolgirls (whose names I learned later were Polly Whittier and Olive Chancellor) it was first thought they were lesbians until I noticed a lump in the bed that looked like a man only when he pulled it away no one was there.
"Having succeeded in finding the sod we promptly attempted to recruit him, which wasn't very successful at first as he just wanted to go back go having sex saying such things as 'yes, yes, yes now will you please go away I'm trying to get laid' or 'look you stupid bastard I have important business now will you go off and screw a goat or something' it took us a few hours but we managed to talk him into working for us at the expense of finding him 667 attractive women, and that we left him alone for ten minutes with all the schoolgirls in the facility plus the faculty, which we agreed to of course (we didn't have a choice) the noise that came next left a ringing in my ears for days but I knew I would get a promotion for this…to bad the little bugger didn't let me watch him do his stuff."
A week later after getting them all Mycroft had them meet him in the (ransacked) British Museum, of course he was delayed several times by various factors including (but not limited to) falling cows, tramps trying to sell him collies, and outhouses on wheels that were speeding at some man by the last name of Blackadder (well this is jolly old England isn't it?).
When he finally got there he was disheveled, (due to a collision with a swarm of flying pigs) gathering them to the (ransacked) dining room we have the transcript of the meeting right.
(People enter room)
Mycroft: alright has everyone got here?
Moran: I'm 'ere
Moreau: chicken
Popeye: I be here
Baron Münchausen: present
Griffin: do you have to ask?
Mycroft: alright then you have all been assembled to tackle the problem that confronts us today, to stop the relentless fiend that threatens England today not Martians nor the Napoleon of Crime no some great mysterious fiend…say this reminds me of a story I heard in my youth it goes something like this…
Everyone Else: GET ON WITH IT
Mycroft: alright (ingrates) the threat we face today is none other then the burglary of our own British Museum, which contains items of such grandness and such awe inspiring power, it would make you do things that would be out of character…say that reminds me of another story…
Everyone Else: GET (censored) ON WITH IT.
Mycroft: (in an annoyed tone of voice) as I was saying our island home…
Baron Münchausen: not mine.
Mycroft: say what?.
Baron Münchausen: I said my island home isn't in danger.
Mycroft: but that doesn't make sense you don't live on an island.
Baron Münchausen: wrong I won a private island in a bet once…I believe it was with a Mister Hawkins I believe yes, say have I told you about the time I…
Mycroft: yes, yes, yes now on to more important matters…
Baron Münchausen: hey you didn't hear what I had to say .
Mycroft: I didn't need to you were probably going to make some ludicrous remark like 'I once fought Captain Pysse Gummes off using only my pinky finger'.
Baron Münchausen: (astonished) I don't believe it how did you guess what I was going to say?
Mycroft: (perfectly calm) because you already told me this story now as I was saying…
Griffin: excuse me sir I have a question.
Mycroft: (still calm) what is it?
Griffin: I was wondering when I get some of the women I was promised?
Mycroft: ten of them are already in your room for after this meeting.
Griffin: (interested) REALLY(secretly leaves the room)
Mycroft: any more questions Griffin (waits for a few seconds) none? Good now as I was saying…
Moran: sir…
Mycroft: (slightly irritated) what is it now?
Moran: I was wondering what kind of health care plan do you have?
Mycroft: (surprised) what health care plan?
Moran: you know what kind of health care plan do we get?
Mycroft: w-we don' have one
Moran: are you sure?
Mycroft: (more irritated) if I did have one I'd know about it wouldn't I
Moran: maybe you're lying to avoid giving us our…
Mycroft I'm not lying moron
Moran: you mean Moran don't you?
Mycroft: Moran moron what's the bleeding difference
Moran: well easy the fourth letter is an a as opposed to moron…
Mycroft: may we get on to more important…
Moreau: sir
Mycroft: (clearly annoyed by now) what is it?
Moreau: what is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swall-
Mycroft: (now he's pissed) I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER MOTHER******* DUMB QUESTION
Popeye: sir I gots a question…
Mycroft: NOT ONE MORE MOTHER******* DUMB QUESTIONS
Popeye: I was going to ask who robbed this museum
Mycroft: (astonished) I-I-I am surprised that you actually asked a question that made sense
Popeye: well if ya don't ansker me quickly you're gonner wish I had when I get done witch you
Mycroft: good as I was going to say earlier before I got reputably interrupted the museum was robbed by the evil
(silence fills the room…then Baron Münchausen belts him upside the head)
Mycroft: Ow what was that for?
Baron Münchausen: for not saying that in the first place
Mycroft: I would told you that but none of you would listen
Popeye: shuts up the both or' ye, Mycroft are you sure it was Nikola?
Mycroft: if our eyewitness is correct and not drunk then yes
Popeye: thisk is seriusk Nikola'sk got a mean streak a miler wide you did the right thing in gathering us Mr. Holmes
Moreau: you know I was just wondering how did you get that speech impediment?
Popeye: (silent) I dorn't' know
Mycroft: anyways I would call for my normal minions, but they have been sent to America at this time so I have sent for you to help Great Britain, by breaking into Nikola's secret lair, beat the (censored) out of him and steal back everything that isn't nailed down
Moran: well now that we know our job I move that we adjourn this meeting, and go to bed so we can set out tomorrow morning
Moreau: I second that notion
Popeye: me makesnk three
Baron Münchausen: me fourth
Mycroft: what say you Griffin (wait's a few seconds) Griffin? (looks around the room with a confused look on his face) Griffin where are you? (hears bumping from the room above them) what the (censored) (stands on the table (did I mention there was a table and chairs) and puts his ear on the roof)
Griffin: (muffled) that's right ladies I'm an invisible man and guess what THAT means is invisible.
The sound of giggling is heard from the women
Mycroft: (not confused anymore now he's pissed again)
The transcript ends here as Mycroft, with the meeting being finished stormed upstairs to berate Griffin for his lewd activities when he was supposed to be attending the meeting
Needless to say the others not bothering to listen to Mycroft chewing out griffin, went to their rooms so they could sleep
All except Colonel Moran who tripped, fell out a window, and spent the night unconscious in a garbage can
(well there it is now here is where you review this if you feel like it just please don't send flames)