Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia.. Sucks for me... I also don't own any of the abstract cameos or references that appear in this story.
WARNING! Includes China Town, karaoke showdowns, a she-goat, Venus fly-traps, FrUK, and a very OOC Russia...
All flames will be given to Russia. You do not want to know what he does with them. *Shudder*
ENJOY!
Germany could practically hear the wedding bells ringing. He had finally asked Italy to marry him. The butterflies danced ballet in Germany's stomach, even though the wedding was still twelve hours away. Germany put on his soldier face, and prepared for what might be the craziest night of his life. He steeled himself for the one thing he hadn't done yet. The bachelor party.
Ding-a-ling-a-ding! The doorbell sang happily as the first guest arrived. It was Romano, Italy's elder brother, and Spain. Not exactly the ones Germany wanted to see. Germany opened the door, only to find a gun pointed to his nose.
"You had better treat my stupid little brother right! Nobody gets to beat up Feli but me!" he removed the gun from Germany's face and shoved past him to get inside. He was quickly followed by Spain, who whispered "Buuuuurrrrrn" as he pushed past.
The next guest was America. As soon as Germany opened the door, the younger country screeched:
"Woo-hoo! Par-tay! Alright!" Germany moved aside to let him in, then showed him to the living room.
"What!" America pouted when he arrived, "This isn't a party! This is just Spain and Romano, sitting on the couch while watching soccer! Or 'football' as everyone seems to call it." his expression brightened as he added, "But, luckily, I was prepared for a situation just like this." He pulled a walkie-talkie from his back pocket and barked out some directions. Suddenly a huge truck pulled into Germany's yard. Germany stood at the window with America who whispered: "It's your wedding gift from me!"
"You got me a truck?"
"No, it's about what's inside the truck." Out of the truck poured about thirty workmen who were working like mad to unload everything. Out came 20 sets of strobe lights, 6 sets of speakers, several cases of those red, green, and blue lights that you see at parties, and finally a huge cake.
After everything had been brought inside and assembled, America stood beside the cake and grandly announced, "Gentlemen, (and Spain), I proudly give you, Lady Gaga!" suddenly Lady Gaga popped out of the cake wearing a crazy cake inspired outfit. She started singing "Paparazzi" at the top of her lungs while America danced in place. The next guest was China. He was holding a small box. Thank goodness. A normal wedding present. Germany thought as the Asian country handed him the box.
"I hope you have a very nice wedding and a happy marriage!" China commented as they went inside. Germany stopped in the kitchen and started unwrapping his gift. He untied the ribbon, and lifted the lid, and out of the box popped a tiny little Chinese-looking house. Germany had looked at the cute little house for a minute, when he realized that it had a button on it's side. Germany pressed the button. I mean, honestly, what could happen? The little Chinese house started growing and multiplying, until it became a huge china-town! Right in the middle of Germany's house! "China! You got me a china-town?" he shouted to the living room.
"Oh, don't worry friend, I gave America like, six of them last year."
The next guest was Austria, who gave Germany a six-pack of beer and a six-pack of underwear before going into the living room to comment on his "Horrid choice of carpeting and horrendous taste in music!" Everybody started partying like rock stars and didn't notice the doorbell ringing, So poor Canada had to go to Germany's bathroom window, break it with a brick, and climb in that way. Canada limped out to the living room with Kumajiro. He had a huge cut on his leg from the window glass. "Hi everybody! I'm here!" he shouted, but no-one heard him. The next guest knocked very politely, exactly three times. Germany opened the door to see Japan. He handed Germany a fluffy white ball of something. The blond country winced as he heard the little white creature meow pitifully. He was allergic to cats. Germany held the kitten far away from his face as he ushered Japan inside. He had scarcely made it to the living room before he heard the front door slam open and closed. " Hey Everyone! Awesome has just entered the building! WOOOHOOO!" came a shout as Prussia barged into the room. "Sorry bro. No present." he said.
"You're broke again aren't you?"
"Yes."
Germany had a sinking feeling that this night was just going to get worse. At that exact moment, Finland-Claus flew over the house and gave Germany a present of beer and German Sausages. Five seconds later, Sweden kicked down the door as he shouted; "Where's my wife? Have you seen my wife?" then, as if suddenly realizing where he was, he shoved Sea-land (wearing a child leash) into the room. "Oh, yeah, here's your wedding gift from me." Sweden left without fixing or even acknowledging the decimated door.
The next guest politely stood outside the door until he was invited to enter. Like a vampire. It was Russia. When Russia came into the room, everyone grew silent and stared. Eventually, after about an hour, people stopped staring and went back to partying. No-one did anything about the door, so a random goat decided to wander in.
America stood at the threshold of the party, waiting. Soon Canada came over, and noted that America actually realized he had arrived. "I tell you Mattie, this party needs something, a little oomph. But what?" The US pondered.
" I know I'm gonna regret this, but, what about a chugging contest?" Canada's idea was pretty good, so everybody decided to drink like the Mayan apocalypse. The contestants were: Prussia, Germany, Switzerland (When did he arrive?), and England (I don't remember inviting him!).
"On your marks!" America began, "Get set!" the tension grew like a Mylar cupcake balloon, until finally, "GOOOO!" The contestants began. At first it seemed like Germany was in the lead, but then Prussia pushed ahead, and finally Switzerland continued. Slowly but surely. In the end, Germany won, with Prussia second, and Switzerland would've finished last, but England sort of freaked out and ran to the bathroom.
Meanwhile, England was in the bathroom tossing up his beer when France, (who was walking outside) noticed him through the broken window which would normally have had curtains. Awww. He's so sexy when he's throwing up! I have to do something to impress him, France was thinking.
Back at the party, Gilbird started hanging out with Pierre, Switzerland went to the kitchen to make a sandwich, and Sea-land started following Germany like a puppy.
"Hey Mr. Germany, I know what I wanna be when I grow up!"
"And what is that Sea-land?" Germany asked disinterestedly
"I want to be a hobo!" Germany looked at the boy with shock.
"You want to be a homeless person?"
"I've changed my mind. I wanna be the leader of a biker gang"
"Maybe you should talk to Prussia about this. He is both homeless and a biker." Germany told the little boy.
"Okay Mr. Germany!" Sea-land began to turn around to find Prussia when he felt a heavy weight land upon his head.
"Hello little Latvia." exclaimed a sing-song voice. It was Russia.
"Excuse me Mr. Russia, but I'm Latvia's friend, Sea-land." the boy clarified. Russia squinted like he was concentrating very hard.
"So you are. Too much vodka..." Russia picked up Sea-land, tucked him under his arm, and began walking outside.
"Hey!" Germany shouted, "Where are you going with my wedding present?" Russia looked a little surprised.
"Well I have to feed someone to my Venus fly-traps! I was going with Latvia, but this little one will suffice."
"You can't have Sea-land!" Germany shouted heroically.
"I'll fight you for him then." Russia said. Well, Germany felt pretty confident about his fighting skills, so he even offered to let Russia choose the weapon. "I choose Karaoke!" Russia shouted. Everyone gasped. When it came to fighting, Germany was awesome, but singing was an entirely different matter. But he had made a promise, and he had to stick to it. So they shook hands and agreed to a sing-off in thirty minutes.
Somewhere in the house, a white cat got very scared of a little white she-goat, and began chasing it around the house. The she-goat freaked out and ran through the kitchen, where it ran by Switzerland, who tripped and fell, the mayonnaise falling onto his head. The she-goat smelled the mayonnaise and came over to lick it up. She and Switzerland locked eyes, and he, in his drunken stupor found love at first sight.
Meanwhile, just outside, in the bushes, France peered into the living room, the hub of activity in the house. He whispered into his walkie-talkie (why does everyone carry freakin' walkie-talkies?), "All ready, Tommy toe, minor-minor?" Spain's voice answered,
"I have absolutely no clue what you just said amigo, but I'm ready to lure England into the center of the house."
"Oh yes. That was exactly what I meant"
Meanwhile again, Germany was preparing to fight Russia. He was in his workout room, training with Austria (because he could sing opera) and Prussia (because he could sing screamo). They did a fun musical montage involving running up and down flights of stairs with "Eye of the Tiger" playing in the background. Finally, it was five minutes before the karaoke showdown, when the three guys decided to see what Germany had learned. He opened his mouth, and the noise that came out sounded sort of like a dying leopard who was dragging his claws down a blackboard.
"You idiot." came a voice from the doorway. "Now you're going to get my little brother killed". It was England. "don't worry though. I'll help you out." Germany looked at the odd man in curiosity, after-all, what could caterpillar brows possibly do to help him? England walked over to the doomed Germany, and sprinkled his head with some sort of glowing powder.
"What was that?" Germany sneezed as some of the powder got into his nose.
"Just a little something I whipped up. It will make your voice sound like an angel." England said as he walked out.
The second that England walked out of the room, he saw a unicorn run off in the opposite direction. And of course, England being England, he had to chase it. He chased it all the way to the center of the living room where everyone was hanging out. Suddenly a draft came through the room, as if someone had opened a door or window, and everyone heard a smooth voice say: "Oh Angleterre!" The unicorn popped off it's head to reveal Spain, who pulled out a radio that was blaring: I'm sexy and I know it by LMFAO. France ran out into the living room dressed like a male stripper and started dancing! England could only face-palm in agony (although he secretly enjoyed it!).
Well the hour of reckoning had come, Germany was ready to face Russia in the Karaoke battle of the century! Meanwhile, France was still freaking out party guests, America was running through the house screaming "caffeine!" while trying to grind Canada. Switzerland was preparing to marry his beloved goat, and Spain and Romano were arguing over something in the background...
Russia stepped up to the stage. He whispered something to the terrified DJ. Suddenly Lady Gaga, (hey! I forgot she was still here!) began to sing "Poker Face". Russia sang along with his startlingly beautiful, deep, voice. "You can't see through my po-pokerface!" he belted in a tenor cyclone of utter doom and destruction. Finally he finished the song with a flourish. And somewhere, Sealand quivered in fear.
Suddenly a tomato flew through the house and hit Russia in the back of the head. Everyone turned around, to see who the thrower was, and saw Romano,who was aiming his tomato gun at Spain, but missed. Russia got that creepy purple aura he gets when he's mad, before he flew at Romano at lightning speed. He would have had him too, had the door not flung open at that very moment, knocking Russia out cold. From behind the door came a noise, a high voice that shouted: "I like German sparkle parties!" Thus, once again the day was saved by Poland and Lithuania.
"And look! I'm here too!" shouted Latvia from behind the couple's back. He ran off to play with Sealand, and they had a sword fight. With bowls.
"Hey!" yelled Prussia. He had stopped chasing Austria out of fear that he would call Hungary, and was now yelling at Germany. "Hey West, we never got to hear you sing!" He said wickedly. Germany's face turned a bright tomato-red, but there was no backing out now. He opened his mouth, and sang:
It's the cirrrcle of Liiiife!
And it moves us allll!
Suddenly everything went back to normal, due to Germany's black magic induced singing. Switzerland woke up and realized he was dating a goat, France put clothes on, Russia was magically transported to the basement that held his grizzly bear named Boris. Lady Gaga got mad at being upstaged, and left, the squished tomatoes were cleaned off of Germany's walls, and China-town was transported to a more ideal location. Everything was back to normal by the time the song ended.
"Ve~! Germany! What are you doing up at this time! It's almost 4:00 in the morning!" Italy exclaimed as he entered the room. Germany hung his head in shame.
"Well, after you went to sleep, I sort of had a little bachelor party... You see, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you, but my boss. He already hates the fact that we're getting married, so..." Germany trailed off in thought. Wondering if he wasn't already going to get fired. He was interrupted by Italy's kiss. It was a gentle thing, just a little peck, but it meant more to Germany than he could ever explain.
"Come on! Doitsu! We're getting married!" But Italy's happiness was shattered to pieces as he heard a gunshot, followed by Germany's gasp of surprise. A flower of red liquid exploded onto Germany's starched, white shirt. Italy fell down practically on top of him screaming: "Ludwig! Germany! Wake up! Please!" He would have gone on like that too, had he not heard a groan come from the mouth of the country he was crushing.
"Feliciano. I'm not dying. Will you please get off of me!" the heir of ancient Rome smiled as he recognized a familiar scent in the air. He dipped a finger into Germany's "blood", lifted it to his tongue, and exclaimed:
"Tomato!"
~o0o*o0o~
Thus Romano ended up in intensive care, and everyone came to the wedding of Italy and Germany. But no one ever forgot the party of the century. The Bachelor Party.
The End
Author's Note: Okee doke, so, please review. I would like that. A lot.
When Germany talked about his boss disapproving of his marriage, he's talking about Hitler, who hated homosexuals.
Angleterre, possibly misspelled, is the French word for England. I assume it has something to do with the Angles, who lived in England, and Terra (probably spelled Terre in French), which is Latin for land. Hence: Land of the Angles. That's just an educated guess though.
I actually don't even like Lady Gaga. That was just a suggestion by Crazee Canadia (she gave me some ideas for this story. Don't worry, I have permission). I thought Poker-face just fit Russia though, cause he always smiles, no matter what emotion is going through his mind. Also Russia is horribly out of character, I know. I did that on purpose.
OK then. I'd better wrap this up, cause by now I'm just rambling!