Edge of the Clearing
Summary: Everything around her is normal, but she's not the same anymore. (Knockdown tag.)
Pairing: Castle/Beckett
Spoilers: A Deadly Game, Knockdown
Category: UST, episode tag
A/N: Thank you to supplyship for her beta work.
It was never supposed to happen this way.
That's the first thought of the day, right after Kate Beckett rolls over and turns off the alarm. Since she doesn't believe in the snooze button, she gets up immediately, showers, and dresses for the day. Breakfast is a bowl of corn flakes, a banana, and a cup of coffee while standing in her kitchen watching a couple of minutes of the local news. She gives minor attention to the weather and traffic reports, but the sports guy increases that attention ten-fold when he mentions the Yankees' free-agency acquisition of a big name power hitter.
She drives to work and enters a mostly empty squad room; it's still early. She powers up her computer, checks e-mail and voice messages, and heads toward the coffee maker for her second cup of the day.
Normal.
Routine.
Except that it's not. She stops for a moment, gripping the countertop to steady herself as memories overpower her.
"Kate, sweetie, you don't have to keep your dentist appointment this morning. You probably have the best excuse in the world to cancel, your mom just died."
"I want to go. There's no sense not to."
She couldn't explain it then, and she can't explain it now. She's seen a lot of people react to news that changes their world forever, spirals their life into a completely different direction, one that was unimaginable up until now. Reactions to that kind of life-changing event are all over the map. As a cop, sometimes people ask and she always responds, "What you're feeling is perfectly normal, I see it all the time." But that's not true.
She's doing paperwork when Castle arrives. He gives her a wave and then goes into Captain Montgomery's office. A half-hour later he settles himself in the chair next to her desk.
"What was that about?" she asks without looking up from her papers, giving a slight nod toward the direction of the captain's office to indicate what she's referring to.
"Nothing special. Just a little debrief."
"Ah." She sits back in her chair.
They didn't get much chance to talk at the scene or afterwards, so she assumes he'll want to address what happened last night, including but not limited to the kissing. Well, to be fair, the first one was planned, part of the ruse for them to act like a tipsy, happy, harmless couple coming home late, so as to appear as nonthreatening as possible to the bad guy guarding the door. The plan was to kiss, singular. Kissing a second time was not part of the plan.
"So," he says, taking a deep breath. Then he surprises her. "Before all this started we were working on that cold case, I assume we're back to that now? Is the plan to spend today looking through more of those phone records? If so, I can hardly wait." He ends on a mocking note and smiles at her.
She's confused. "I…" Then a little hurt. "Well, I guess." She mentally throws up her hands and gives up. "Phone records it is."
The thing about life-changing events, good or bad, is that although things have changed, it's all the things that haven't changed that startle, annoy, and frustrate. The sun still rises and people go to work. Your job is still your job, there's still a car payment due, and life seems to go along as it was before. She's certainly been there. Everything around her was normal, but she wasn't.
"But he loves you, and he's someone else to lean on through this. Don't make any rash decisions right now."
"Dad, I can't be with him or with anyone else. Not until…"
"Until when?"
"There are other things I need to focus on right now."
"Beckett?" Castle touches her hand. She looks up startled; she must have forgotten where she was for a moment and what they were doing. Phone records are scattered out in front of them on the table; the mundane work isn't helping her mood either.
"I'm just… I think I'm a little distracted today, after what happened last night."
"Perfectly understandable." He even sounds genuine enough to convince her until she catches him trying to suppress a smirk.
"What?"
"It's nothing." He looks down at the records in front of him again. Off-handily he adds, "It's a common reaction woman have after making out with me. You know, the being distracted thing."
She groans on the inside, but can't help but smile a little because it's so very Castle. "We did not make out."
"No?" he asks, before flipping the page over. "If you say so."
"Castle–"
"Wait, this is strange. Hey, Beckett, look at this."
The rest of the afternoon becomes consumed with following up on the records showing three calls from a location in Jersey while the victim was supposed to be in midtown on business. It doesn't result in anything solid, at least not yet. Plus, they never get chance to eat lunch, she's tired, and it all puts her on the verge of cranky while they make their way back into the city in the midst of stop-and-go traffic.
"C'mon, Kate. We'll roll down the windows on the way; enjoy the sunshine, fresh air…"
"It's not the same without her."
"But honey, she would want us to go. She'd never want our lives to stop just because she's not here to go on the annual trip to the beach with us."
"I'm not ready. Not yet."
Over the last couple of days Kate considered telling Castle more, and it's strange since she never did when she had the chance once before. He'd never known how significant his invitation to the Hamptons was last year. Because she'd never given him a clue about the circumstances behind the last time she'd turned someone else down on the offer, and that her father went alone without her.
Kate's decision to take Castle up on it after all held more weight and meaning than she'd let on. Boyish leering over her in a bikini she could take any day. Looking out at the seascapes that her mother used to paint with watercolors, not having seen the area since the last time…
Tears prick her eyes and the brake lights on cars in front of her blur for a moment.
"Beckett?"
"Yeah." She takes a deep breath, "Sorry."
"I told you. The kissing, it gets 'em every time."
Suddenly she knows what he's doing, and it's a lot like the display last night that served as a farce to distract the bouncer at a torture scene to get him to forget about threats for a while and just relax. Castle is way smarter than she sometimes gives him credit for, and kinder than he let on to most people.
Despite the pit of dark emotion still swirling in her stomach, something a little joyful bubbles up inside. She's been waiting for so long that it's a surprise. "You know, you're right, Castle." Out of all that pain, maybe there is hope after all.
"I am?" He glances sideways at her. "I mean, I am. I'm right."
She lets up on the brake for a moment. "I can't seem to forget that kiss," she says with only a touch of sarcasm, "it's all I can think about."
"I know, right?" His enthusiasm akin to when he has discovered a new and totally impractical twist to a story. "I was thinking that we should practice."
"Practice?"
"For the next time that we're in a dangerous situation and you have no other option but to –"
Kate cuts him short with a "Castle." The traffic crept forward; they gained only a little ground before it halted again.
"What? You practice shooting your gun, so how is this different?"
She suppresses a smile. Oh, yeah, definitely attempting to distract her from all the feelings he knew were brought to the surface when her mother's case had once again been ripped open unexpectedly. It was sort of sweet, now that she'd figured it out. But it didn't mean that he was taking no small pleasure in it himself. Such a guy. Such a silly, arrogant, immature …
She turned to look at him, and at his expression of honest understanding, some of the grips around her heart melted.
Such a guy. But a good one - and who knows - maybe the right one? She feels things when they kiss; there's no doubt of that now.
"Sure, Castle, we can practice," she teases.
"Really?"
She gives him a look, shaking her head. "Not right here in the middle of rush hour."
"Right, of course," he agrees.
After a few moments, and a few more inches closer to home, she adds, "Sometime, someday we'll practice."
He just smiles wider.