A/N: Here's a closer look at the emotional connection formed between the Doctor and Rose from their metal bonding. Takes place a week after the events of "A New Way to Keep Company."
Rose wasn't alright. The Doctor knew it with certainty. It wasn't just because he could see it or because he had come to know her so well and read her actions. He knew this now because he could feel it.
The Doctor had been happier in the past week than he could ever remember being. It was ever since he had touched minds with Rose. They'd only touched once and yet so much had changed. She'd left her lasting touch on him. His mind was now connected to hers; he'd felt the bond immediately after breaking apart from her. He had expected that part; he'd been almost sure it would happen to him.
But something had also happened in his hearts and now he could feel her emotions more strongly than he ever had. He had been so focused on the telepathic aspect of being with her that he'd nearly forgotten this part. While he understated the power of mentally touching he still marveled that he could have forgotten how good this part was too. The Doctor delighted at being able to feel it; to actually feel what she felt for himself. He could actually feel her emotions inside of him. He knew it was the kind of emotional connection that only came from bonding.
It made him feel so close to her. He had long forgotten how close you grew to a person when you could feel their emotions so potentially. It had just been so long. He'd thought it had been a joy just to see her happy, to hear her laugh, to watch her run and jump with excitement. But it didn't compare to getting to feel those things for himself.
But best of all was that he knew now that she loved him. He'd felt it from inside of her mind so he didn't have to wonder if it she did and couldn't doubt that it was true; he knew it now with certainty. And now when she smiled at him, that smile, his smile, he could feel a reminder of that love.
But just as he could feel the good, he could also feel the bad. This was the first he'd had of that. There, of course, had been times in the past when he'd seen her was upset. As much as it had broken his hearts to see her hurting, it wasn't like actually feeling her pain. It was nothing close this. He could feel that she was sad, that she wasn't alright at all. He could feel the sadness building up inside of her but just as it was building it was like he felt it dulling slightly. She was trying to push it down.
Mickey had left them tonight. He had decided to stay in the parallel world, unreachable forever, and the Doctor knew Rose was grieving over it. Neither of them had seen this turn of events coming. Even the Doctor had been surprised when Mickey said he was leaving. But the Doctor could feel that Rose was taken much more by surprise by it. Surprise, like the lingering sting of a slap across the face, hung on her preceding the waves of sadness that were to come. Her mind was still in shock, still reeling to make sense of what was happening.
The Doctor had felt her sadness the second she'd walked back into the TARDIS. At first he hadn't realized it was hers. He'd walked back inside busying himself and giving her privacy while she made her goodbye to Mickey. As he waited he felt this sudden sadness reach out and grip his hearts. He suddenly felt he'd lost something special he would not be able to get back. He was still trying to figure out where this sudden sadness had come from when he had heard Rose close the door to the TARDIS behind her. It was then that he realized that what he was feeling was coming from her.
She walked to the console in silence and he set the coordinates to get them out of this universe and back to their own. They made a rough reentry back into their proper universe before the Doctor was able to set the TARDIS to gently drifting. He made the appropriate adjustments to shut down all unnecessary systems so the TARDIS could rest and rebuild her energy before looking up at Rose. She stood next to one of railings she had gripped to steady herself during their reentry, still gripping it as if she hadn't even noticed that they were now stopped and steady. She stared blankly in front of her looking very lost, like she was wandering without knowing where she was going. She glanced around the room noticing they were stopped. She let go of the railing but remained frozen in place.
She looked up at him but quickly glanced away after she met his eyes. Uncomfortable silence filled the room. He could feel that the shock was wearing off and in its place was only more room for the sadness to grow and it was. He was not used to feeling this, someone else's sadness, and he was caught off guard by it. He'd so been enjoying feeling her happiness that he had not prepared himself to feel her sorrow. It took him several minutes to overcome the sadness that he felt when hers touched up against him. He had to say something. He couldn't stay silent any longer. When he was able to focus he looked up at her and he saw a quick look of panic pass over her face as she realized he was about to speak.
But before he could she was putting on a smile. It was a fake one of course. He felt the insincerity in it and in the words that followed. "Well," she said wringing her hands together. "This was quite the day. I don't know about you but I'm just knackered. I'm just going to get out of this getup and head to bed if you don't mind." She said it quickly without giving him a chance to respond before she walked quickly out of the room.
His mind seemed to jump as she left, trying to reach out after her. He felt lonely for her as soon as she left. It was the bond trying to drive him closer to her, not that he needed such motivation to want to console her. He still felt her sadness on him and he longed to do something about it. He was meant to comfort her and his mind yearned to do just that.
He realized with displeasure that she was doing exactly what he would do; conceal the emotions and if you couldn't manage that then remove yourself from anyone who might see them. That was the way he handled things. Had she learned that from him? If she had then he had done something wrong. He had only seemed to learn good things from her. She made him feel younger and lighter, after only knowing her two years, after only touching the inside of her once. She made him kinder. She made him, in all ways, better. But what kind of effect was he having on her?
He didn't want her to be like him. Rose was so good with the hurting. Whenever they were out during their travels and someone was upset she was always there for them. If someone started crying she would reach out and hold them. She always had a hug or kind words of encouragement for anyone they met that might need them. It didn't matter who or what that person was, she only saw the pain and worked to take it away. He would have to admit it was a relief to him not to have to handle such things. Those situations made him uncomfortable. But not Rose; she really cared about people.
She had always sought to remove his sadness. Just last week she had taken away one of his greatest hurts. She had taken away the loneliness that had been eating away at him. She had given him the touch he had been craving for so long. He'd been breaking; it had been driving him mad. And she had come, like she always came for him. She had made it better. She had known he wasn't alright and had made him face his pain. She'd yet to realize just how much of a gift she'd given him.
It wasn't fair that now, when she needed comfort, she didn't have any. He knew his motivation for concealing his feelings had always had a lot to do with a lack of support. When you got used to no one being around to comfort you got used to taking care of yourself. That wasn't true of his life anymore and he was trying hard to break himself of concealing all his pain but old habits were hard to break. He didn't want to think that Rose might be handling her own hurt this way for the same reason he had.
But he suspected that he was the very reason she wouldn't let him see her distress. Not because she didn't think he would be there for her or because she didn't want him there. She didn't want to hurt his feelings in any way. That was who she was; always thinking of others first. She didn't want the Doctor to think that her sadness over Mickey had anything to do with feelings she might possibly still have for him.
He stood in the console room for a while, debating what he should do. Maybe he should leave her and give her alone time. Maybe she really wanted to be alone. Even as he thought that he might give her alone time he knew it wasn't true. Her sadness lingered on his mind. It didn't leave him even though she had left the room. He could feel things were different now. His mind was nudging him to go to her and make sure she was alright; it compelled him to reach out to her, to console her in her distress. Gone were the days of him being able to not notice her feelings. Gone were the days that she wouldn't want him there to comfort her.
In the end the nudging won out. It had been so long since he had been so close to someone like he now was with Rose, maybe he didn't know how to control it, to make a decision despite what his mind urged him to do. But he really knew that it just felt so good to be so close to her, he didn't want to be away from her any longer.
When he got to the door of Rose's bedroom he stopped and paused. He didn't want to wake her so he reached his mind out just enough to sense her presence, to see if she was awake. He could feel she was still awake and still very upset. He knocked on the door quietly and then opened it slowly. It was exactly as he knew it would be. Rose was curled up on the bed, still fully clothed in her waitressing getup, her back to the door. She turned to glance his way but the light was off and he couldn't see her face. "Oh, uh Doctor...hi...I...uh," she said fumbling to come up with some excuse.
He spared her by going along with it. "You must be really tired, just drifted off without putting on your jim jams."
"Oh, yeah," she said with a shrug. "Not sure what's wrong with me. Just wore myself out I guess. What are you doing here?" she asked with what he was sure was supposed to be a causal tone.
"I just wanted to make sure you were alright," he said walking into the room instead of leaving. He knew she was trying to get rid of him but he also knew why. For that reason he planned on staying. The closer he got to her the stronger her feelings became and it confirmed his suspicions. Normally, he didn't feel what she was feeling this strongly but the stronger she felt something the stronger he could feel it coming off of her. Her feelings were just rushing at him like they were begging to be noticed now. She must have finally been giving into them alone in her room and now that he was here she struggled to get them under control. Even now he could feel her pushing the sadness back inside of her. He sat on the bed and she curled up again, turning her back to him.
"I'm fine," she said. But when he reached over and turned on the lamp on her bedside table she buried her face into the pillow further. Hiding from him. Among the sadness was guilt and shame. There was a feeling of inadequacy and failure in relation to him. She was sad and felt she shouldn't be. The reason he could feel her inwardly retreating was just as he thought; it was because of him. He didn't want her to feel guilty or shamed. He knew all too well how heavy those emotions were upon the shoulders, especially when they were carried along with sadness. He didn't want that for her especially when it was far from being necessary.
But as hard as they were to feel he did not run from these painful emotions of hers. He embraced them, just as he had embraced her happiness and excitement and joy. He faced them and gripped them hard against himself. If he felt these bad feelings then he would be aware of them. And if he was aware of them he would seek to relieve them.
He remembered how beautiful it had felt to know her thoughts, to walk through her mind, to feel her emotions inside of him, to know her in such a certain way. He couldn't hear her thoughts and her feelings were not as clear and certain as they had been when his mind had been connected to hers. But right now he could still feel her feelings very strongly pressing up against him. They came off her but she probably wasn't even aware of it. He wondered if she could feel him in the same way as he could feel her since they had touched minds. He didn't know if she would; she was human and he had no frame of reference to go on. But if she could there might be something he could do.
An idea came to him though he wasn't sure if it would work or not. It had been so long since he had tried to transmit emotions, could he even remember how? He had spent so much time hiding his emotions away that he couldn't even remember the last time he had called them to him and made them strong. She would have to be able to feel him for it to work and he hoped she could. After he tried this he would know if she could or not.
He reached for her legs and pulled them up on his lap. He stared to undo her boots and she spoke though she still didn't look at him. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"These things can't possibly be comfortable," he said scoffing at her boots as he tossed them to the ground. "It really is a wonder you can get anywhere while you're wearing them. Just give me a good pair of trainers any day."
He took one of her feet in his hands and started to massage it. "You don't have to do that," she said and he could tell that her voice was becoming more strained.
"Well of course I don't. I'm a Time Lord; I don't have to do anything," he said lightly. "But don't they hurt?" he added seriously.
"Well... yeah they do," she admitted before falling silent again.
She was silent for a long time. Despite his nonchalant tone he knew she had to know why he was here. He rubbed her feet, her ankles, and calves gently kneading the tension and knots away. He felt her muscles relax at the touch and he felt a small touch of pleasure and comfort come into the mix inside of her. It felt good to know he was helping at least a little.
She remained silent but he didn't want to press her. He knew he wouldn't want to be forced if their roles were reversed. He wanted her to come out with it on her own. He wondered how he might draw her out of herself to him. No words came to him; he never was good with words. But he had something better than words, if this worked.
With his hands still on her he called the strongest sense of understanding to his mind. He wanted her to feel that he understood what she was feeling. He had felt her love for him the night they had bonded. He had felt how she felt for him and it was certain. He didn't doubt her affections for him one bit. There was no hurt feeling inside of him, or judgments.
He called safety to his mind next. He recalled how she had always made him feel safe and passed that on to her. He remembered how she always helped put him at ease letting him know that he could talk to her and he took the feeling that gave him and gave it back to her. He pressed it on her so she wouldn't feel afraid to let him see that she was sad, so that she would feel comfortable sharing it with him.
He wasn't sure if it was working or not. He could tell that her thoughts were wandering and he could feel her distress growing at whatever they were. He felt sadness and grief coming off of her stronger with every minute. His mind quivered all the more to feel it, wanting to comfort her, concentrating even harder on his efforts to console her. He longed to touch her head and stroke her mind but he knew that now was not the right time. He focused all the more on churning up the emotions in himself that he wanted to pass onto her.
Finally, after a while, she could take the silence no more. He wasn't sure if it was the feelings he was putting on her that was breaking down her resolve or if it was fatigue from the internal struggle. But whatever the cause he could feel she was just on the edge of letting it all out. "Doctor, I really appreciate this but I...I just want to be alone. It's been a really long day."
The Doctor could feel the little bit of resolve she had left crumbling. She was near her breaking point. But he could also feel that she didn't really want to be alone like she said she did. Maybe it was working. He felt that maybe things had shifted in her and she wanted him to stay, maybe that she even wanted to talk to him.
"If you really want me to leave, I'll go. But I feel like that's not what you really want," he said gently. He concentrated on the feeling of safety and sent it to her again, feeling like her fear was the last thing that held her back from reaching out to him.
She paused a moment, struggling to keep composed, he knew, and still failing. "It's not," she said and a small sob trailed her words.
"Rose," he said quietly.
"What?" she said, still not turning around to face him and he could feel the small shakes that told him she was crying and trying to keep it to herself.
"Look at me," he asked gently.
It took her a moment but she turned her face to look at him. Her face was red and her eyes were filled to the brim. She looked so small and young and hurting he wanted to cry himself at the sight.
He reached out a hand and put it on her face where he could feel a few stray tears were drying. "It's alright," he reassured her, now that she knew he could see.
"I...I..." she said starting to explain herself.
"It's alright," he said again. "It's alright to be upset."
"It's not that I...I mean… I don't want you to think-to misunderstand-"
"Rose...Mickey was special to you. It's alright to be sad that he's not with us anymore."
Rose's face crumbled and he could no longer keep from reaching out to hold her. She sat up and fell against him where he wrapped her against him. She clung back to him and started to sob against his shoulder. He still sensed there was anxiety in her. Even though she was giving into her sorrow and allowing him to see she still feared that he would be upset.
"I get it alright?" he whispered to her. She didn't question what he was talking about or how he knew it. She only took his reassurance and he felt her nod slightly against him and tightened her hold on him. She must feel what he wanted her to because he felt the last bit of fear and anxiety float out and away from her.
How many times had he been through this? How many times had he himself mourned for someone who had chosen to leave him or that had to leave him? He didn't even want to know how many times. And yet, for all his experience he struggled with what to say to her. What could he say to her? It hurt. It was terrible. It was hard to get over. That was the truth and that was what he knew of such experiences. But that wasn't going to make her feel any better. He always struggled with the right words in these times and now was no exception.
It was hard not to get sad along with her. He could feel her grief and sense of loss and it was hard not to get distracted by it. It was, after all, only a week since he'd started to feel her like this and he was still getting accustomed to it. But he wanted to send her something better than the sadness he felt. He focused on feelings of peace and comfort. He made himself feel those things strongly. He remembered times that Rose had comforted him and how that had made him feel. He drew those memories to the surface and called on their feelings to help her now. He held them and then pressed them against her.
He now knew she felt it because he heard her sigh and relax against him. The cries started to slow down. He knew she could feel what he was sending her. He felt relief in himself at knowing he had finally been able to relieve some of her pain.
"It's my fault. I...didn't treat him right. I took him for granted," she finally said when she had calmed enough to be able to talk.
"Mickey made his own choice. However he may have been feeling he's responsible for his own decisions."
"I still should have been better to him. I mean...I feel bad for not wanting him to come with us. I didn't want him here and he knew that. And now that he's gone...I still don't want him here."
"It's alright to feel that way. This really wasn't his place. But he found his place. And that is a good thing," he said with certainty that he somehow genuinely felt now, giving her a squeeze.
"It's just so hard knowing that I'll never see him again. You know? I may not have wanted him traveling with us but that doesn't mean I never wanted to see him anymore. It's just so final. "
"I know," he said, knowing all too well. Circumstances, goodbyes, and relationships could be so harsh in their finality.
"Mickey wasn't perfect I know; we certainly had our ups and downs. But I met him when things were...bad," she said with difficulty. "I'll miss him."
"Me too," the Doctor said.
"Really?" she asked with surprise pulling back slightly to look at him.
"Yeah. I know I gave him a hard time and I won't say he was my favorite person or anything. But he earned my respect and I don't have to tell you how special a person has to be to do that. After all, I only take the best," he said giving her a smile and brushing the last few tears from her face. She gave him a small smile in return before falling back against him.
He ran his fingers through her hair comforting her, tempting himself. His mind was jumping at the feel of her mind so close. It was right there under his fingers and would be so easy to touch. He firmly reminded himself that now was not the right time for that. He knew he would need it again soon. He would have to talk with her about it. He would have to explain the need he now had for her and accept that she probably wouldn't have the same need for him. But he hoped that she would want it again before he would have it again.
Her thoughts and feelings were so powerful, probably because he was holding her head. So powerful, in fact, that a full thought of hers broke through even though he wasn't trying to listen. Everyone always leaves me.
He tried hard not to jump when he heard it. It was definitely the sound of her voice in his head again. He now knew exactly what it sounded like. He hadn't been connected to her and he hadn't been looking for her thoughts. It felt like an intrusion even though it wasn't intentional. He'd only been skimming over her mind, projecting over her but this thought slipped in; the connection could always go two ways.
But he did not dwell on guilt for this unintentional intrusion. He was too preoccupied with the thought itself. Did Rose really feel that way? He focused again and he could feel it. Insecurity. The day's events had shaken her up. She had never thought that Mickey would leave her for good. Now that he had she didn't know what to think.
Surely, Rose would not feel that he would leave her too but he wanted to make sure there was no mistaking how he felt. He focused on laying his presence all around her. He wanted her to feel him surrounding her. He wanted to know that he was there.
He took his mind, the warmth of his presence, his energy, all the good things he held inside and wrapped them around her. He felt her lean into him, instinctively reaching out for more of what he was giving. Her arms tightened around him. The way she reached out for him taking what he was giving only encouraged him to give her even more, making it so easy to do so.
After a while he finally found the right words to say to her without it sounding like he knew exactly what she had been thinking. "People leave for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes they leave because they have no choice. Sometimes they leave because things are bad. Sometimes they leave when things are good but they could be better. I think that's why Mickey left. He could see that things could be better for him, that he could be better and of more help in that universe than he could in our own."
"I hope so," she said quietly.
"But I want you to know something for certain," he paused for a moment and turned her so she was looking up at him. "The only reason and I mean the one and only thing," he said emphasizing his point, "that would ever make me leave you is if you asked me to."
Her mouth dropped open slightly at his words. She was clearly surprised to hear him say something like that. "And even then I've got to be honest and say I would try and talk you out of it," he added with a smile.
Tears were in her eyes as she looked at him but there was a smile on her face. She was overcome by what he had said; it was exactly what she's wanted and needed to hear. She didn't know how he'd known but she didn't care. She looked at him with affection. He could feel something else building inside of her. Something warm that had not been there before. Love? Happiness? Whatever it was, it was good.
"You mean that?"
"Of course I do. And because I am so unbelievably brilliant I am sure you would not be able to argue with my wit" he said smiling at her.
She laughed "Oh, really? And you're sure of that are you?"
"Yes. Incredibly so."
"So are you saying I'm stuck with you?" she asked.
"I'm afraid so," he said. Though they had started out teasing each other, somewhere in the middle it had stopped being teasing and they now looked at each other seriously, intensely.
"Forever?" she asked her eyes begging, her gaze on him searching.
"Quite possibly," he said and somehow he'd gotten quite breathless. Maybe it was because he had realized how close his face was to hers.
"Well, alright then," she said with desire still gazing unflinchingly at him. He was sure she was reading him, feeling him like he could feel her now. If they would have only been staring at each then this would feel awkward but it felt anything but that.
He'd never held her quite this close with the exception of the one time that they had connected minds. The need to repeat that experience grew in him and he knew if he didn't pull away soon he'd have to do just that. The way she was looking at him right now might have made him bring the subject up again if he hadn't been able to feel how weary she was. He could feel how exhausted her body was and how tired her mind was. As much as he wanted to bring up the subject again he knew she needed to rest. It really had been a long day. He knew there would be another opportunity and he'd just have to wait until then.
He gently laid her back against the bed and she'd didn't protest.
"Thank you," she said looking up at him.
He pulled the blanket up to cover her. "Anything for you," he said, uncharacteristically honest of him. He memorized the smile she gave him before he turned the light out and left the room.
The way that she smiled at him told him that he had gotten it right. He had been able to give her exactly what she needed. It felt like, maybe for the very first time, that he had gotten it right. He always had seemed to struggle to give her what she needed, what he had wanted to give. But with the help of the bond he had been able to help in a way he never had before. Being close with him in his mind was a gift she had given to him, a gift he had never thought he'd have. But it was also a gift he could give her. And he planned on doing just that at every opportunity he had.
A/N: Thank you for reading "It's a Gift." Continue reading about the Doctor and Rose's journey with the next in this series "A Different Way I Need You."