This sad little bit of prose came to me last night.
I wanted to try something darker, something without the happy ending. I know this might upset a few, but i'll make it up later!
It is short and I'm sorry, I usually try to have at least a thousand words but with this one, I just couldn't muddy it up with unnecessary vocabulary.
Let me know your thoughts.
Selfish
He knew she was fading away.
He could see it in her eyes when she gazed at him with longing. He knew, and so did she.
The lost time was a dagger in his heart.
And he resented all the time he had wasted.
He had fought the truth for months, but now that it was staring at him, forcing him to accept it, he tried to come to terms.
He always failed.
An epic failure in this test of life.
He could never accept the fact that he would never hold her hand again, never kiss her lips again, never hold her against him.
He would never accept it.
She was the most important person in his life and she was leaving him.
Leaving him to deal with this life alone.
She would take everything with her, all of his love, all of his self.
He would be an empty shell with nothing left.
How could he keep the balance of the world when she was taking his stability with her when she left.
How could he keep breathing, knowing he would never see those eyes again.
Never taste her lips after she whispers I love you.
Never be able to whisper his own love in return.
He was a fraud.
The world imagined him being brave and altruistic, never wavering in his dedication to the world.
They couldn't be more wrong.
He was the exact opposite of all these traits, vulnerable and weak.
And above all things, selfish.
Selfishness is what drove him to the Spirit World.
It drove him to Koh, who he knew owed him a favor.
Drove him to what he never thought he could.
He was selfish.
It drove a man to do many things.
She told him that morning she knew.
She knew that it was coming, and she wanted him with her.
He was scared. Another fatal flaw.
He didn't want to leave her alone, but he didn't think he was strong enough to be there for her either.
Her breathing was troubled, and the blood that would appear when she coughed tore at his heart.
Each drop felt like his own.
He would give anything to feel that physical pain. To take it from her.
Then mayhap it would distract him from the emotion pain that was crippling him.
The anger would come after.
Right now all he knew was fear and sorrow.
When Koh appeared he had a difficult time keeping his face passive.
She was seconds from leaving him, and the knowing look she gave him the instant before Koh leaned over her would haunt him forever.
She knew what he planned.
He couldn't be sorry because he was selfish.
He needed this.
Koh left him, knowing he would visit him soon.
She was gone.
The pain that had been dammed inside him, held up by the need to be strong for her, was let loose.
It flowed throughout his body and his voice cracked as he yelled out her name.
Even with the preparation he had. This was not something he could handle. He was shaking with grief unable to catch his breath.
He had to get out.
The weeks that followed blurred together.
He practiced keeping his emotions in control. Waiting for the time when he was ready to see her.
The time came and he journeyed there.
The Spirit World with all its familiar landscapes, but none of that mattered anymore.
Walking into the lair of Koh he steeled his face. Knowing he could do it.
The need to see her overcoming all of his fear.
He had been waiting for him. The menacing spirit played with him, giving him every face but the one he wanted, needed.
Keeping his voice as steady as possible he reminded Koh of the bargain they had made years ago.
Reminded him he owed the current Avatar his existence.
When she appeared he held his breath.
He stared into those eyes, while tears filled his own.
Keeping his face lifeless.
Tears streamed down his face when Koh said, using her voice, how much she loved him.
How much she missed him.
He walked out, her voice calling him back, but he knew it wasn't real.
It would be some years before the line between reality and fantasy would blur together.
Right now he still knew the difference.
Falling to his knees he broke down.
He had overestimated himself and his ability to handle seeing her.
He had never claimed to be selfless.
That role had been thrust onto him.
She had known this, she helped him to become selfless.
Overcome his need to be selfish.
Now that she was gone he embraced it.
He was selfish.
He knew this wouldn't be the last time he came.
And he knew the world was still second in line to her.
It always would be.
Especially now that he had a way to keep loving her.
Don't ask me what she died from. I have no idea, use your imagination.