Chapter 1: It Begins
It had been two years since the Iwatobi Swim Club had been formed. It was becoming successful. It's few amounts of swimmers was made up for by their incredible skill. But it was all for naught. One day, Haru was swimming and decided that swimming was getting old. Haru joining the club had been what had given it life. It had allowed it to even exist. But he thought, fuck that, getting out of the pool and promptly walking home.
The next day, he confronted the group.
"I have business to do, so I will be gone for a few days." He stated. Nobody knew what business he was doing, or where he was doing it, but it was for a few days, so he had to find a replacement to swim for him at the next tournament. There were no good replacements. But out of nowhere, Gou rips off her shirt, revealing that she is in fact a man who is capable of swimming in his place, and he promptly leaves again.
What was this unsettled business that Haru had to do? Nobody knew, except for his victim the next day.
Chapter 2: C(l)ocked
Haru's unfinished business was set at Sousuke's house. Haru walked up to the doorstep and knocked.
"Hello?" Sousuke opens the door.
"We have shit to settle." Haru says harshly. "I challenge you to a fight. In the park. Tomorrow night." He slams the door, with Sousuke looking confused as fuck.
The next night, they met up at the park. Sousuke arrived, meeting Haru only dressed in a swimsuit. He got into a competitive fighting stance. "Ready?" Sousuke asked.
"Hold on." Haru responded, running over to the nearest body of water and swimming a few laps before getting out and being ready. Sousuke dashed forward and threw a punch, but it was to no avail. Haru was already too slippery from the water, as if he was a literal wizard. His punch literally bounced off, breaking his arm and making Sousuke punch himself instead.
"The fuck?" He exclaims.
"That's a new technique I came up with." Haru says. "It's called the 'Super Squiggly Fuck You Water Bounce Technique'."
Sousuke threw another punch with his bad arm, seeing as his other arm was now broken. However, all that happened was his body continued moving while his arm remained stationary and detached.
Haru then picked up the limp, severed arm and hit Sousuke in the dick with it. Sousuke, now with zero balls, could no longer fight. Haru had won the fight. He was now the alpha male. He no longer had a bigger bara to stand over him. He was ready to open the portal. He could leave this mortal world and do something greater.
Meanwhile, back at Iwatobi, Gou's new manly prowess was taking it's toll. After literally transforming herself back to a man, she gained a little too much of a sex drive. However, she had no intention of banging women. Women didn't have muscles like men did. She looked around and eventually found her prime target: Nagisa. He was perfect. He wouldn't have a problem.
She knew that Nagisa was the gayest one there. There was no way anyone could be any more homosexual for a man. Makoto is too nice, Rin has issues, and Rei has a boner for butterfly. Nagisa didn't have any of these aspects, and that was why he was optimal for fucking.
Gou approached him. "Nagisa?" She asked.
"Yes?" Nagisa responds.
"My sex drive has gotten too high and it's giving me the strong urge to fuck you. Is that okay?" She asks.
Nagisa starts to blush in awkwardness. "But you're Gou. I could never."
She then pins him against the wall. "PREPARE YOUR ANUS YOU SHOTA" she shouts, pulling out the dick and ripping apart his clothing. She then gets it ready to insert into Nagisa's asshole, shouting "FOR MOTHER RUSSIA" before putting it in.
Nagisa could not resist. He got everything that Gou could ever give to him, and he was fine by it. Except for the fact that he was technically being fucked by a woman. So it was technically straight sex, and that bugged him. But what came ahead overrode those feelings.
Chapter 3: DJ Gets Wrecked
After entering the portal, Haru was surprised at what world he had ended up in. Surprised by it's perfection. He ended up in the parallel universe that contained the Monster House. Yes, the Monster House. That animated movie made back in 2006. Haru knew all about this world. He knew all it's secrets. He was here to exploit them to satisfy his ungodly fetish.
He knew what was in DJ's house. He knew that DJ would be protecting it. He first had to find a pool. It's dangerous to exploit any world without using the Super Squiggly Fuck You Water Bounce Technique. He found a town pool after around 45 minutes of wandering around the town and asking for directions, with nobody understanding him.
After swimming some laps in that pool, he had finally mastered the Super Squiggly Fuck You Water Bounce Technique. He was ready to fight his next opponent: a 12-year-old boy. He wanted a certain product that he had created. DJ had a special syndrome called Hyper-Masculinity Syndrome, a syndrome exclusive to this world which causes males to produce insane amounts of testosterone. For no reason at all.
Haru knocked on the door. When DJ's mother answered, Haru simply walked forward and she was throw into the wall opposite the door. She was knocked into a comatose which she later woke up from, 3 and a half years later. He ran up the stairs, the same monotonous look on his face, up to DJ's room. DJ was waiting for him.
"Are you ready for a fight, Haru?" DJ asks. "My testosterone is TOO FUCKING HIGH FOR YOU TO HANDLE" He rips off his pants and reveals that his two legs are, in fact, incredbily muscular arms. He is still pissing on the floor. However, Haru turns into Rei and estimated that DJ was no fucking match for the Super Squiggly Fuck You Water Bounce Technique, and that DJ's percentage of loss is 88%. Turning back into Haru, he runs at DJ. In retaliation, DJ launched a fist at Haru. It bounced off and hit the ceiling, embedding DJ into it. Haru then walked up to him and pulled out Sousuke's severed arm. He slaps DJ in the dick, killing him.
"Rest in fucking pepperonis you 12-year-old cunt waddler." Haru says, looking up at the shelf. There they were. The product: 4 bottles of testosterone-jacked piss. He was ready. He put on a bandana and got his ham face on, and promptly chugged all four bottles of piss. He felt a surge of testosterone, and his legs became jacked as fuck immediately after finishing the fourth bottle. His face contorted to look like Bear Grylls, grew massive amounts of body hair, and his dick grew a full 10 inches. He was ready to bone.
Meanwhile, Gou was steadily fucking Nagisa hard. She had managed to cram her dick into Nagisa's asshole, and now she was ready to cum. With one last push and one last breath, Gou injected Nagisa with a healthy dose of semen. Both of them, exhausted, collapsed onto the ground. Whether or not they were dead is unknown.
Chapter 4: Haru Gets Some Wood
Haru walked across the street, his Super Squiggly Fuck You Water Bounce Technique still shining bright as he walked bravely through the lawn of the Monster House. He knew the exact point to go. That point was behind the house on the exterior.
The Monster House was once known as Constance, a hulking woman who was forced into a circus freak show. She ended up falling during the house's construction and her spirit now controls the house. Haru wasn't one for being straight. He's on a swim team, so he has to be gay. But that was with normal people.
Who said houses counted?
Haru reached the back of the house unscathed. He quickly checked to see if the hyper-testosterone was still in effect. It was. He proceeded to gain a boner so strong it ripped apart the front of his swimsuit. He then found the crack and stuck his dick in it.
If anyone was able to see him, they'd probably be asking why the hell some boy in a swimsuit is fucking a house. But due to the Super Squiggly Fuck You Water Bounce Technique and the hyper-testosterone, Haru could feel no pain. No splinters, no scratches, no danger of STD's. It was an all-clear.
The house writhed as he moved. He may have been small, but his massive, throbbing erection was bigger. The house could feel it. It started to make noise as he moved faster and faster, still maintaining his boring, monotonous look as usual. This house was old. It was fragile. Haru was exploiting it's one weakness, it's one blind spot. He was fucking the blind spot. The house could do nothing to retaliate. He kept forcing his dick in and out of the crevice, until he was almost there. He was cumming.
With one massive thrust, the earth shattered as he came. The house exploded into a burst of jizz. There was so much of if that it hit the neighboring houses. Haru had finally done it, he had proven that he was the alpha male. There was no need to stay here inn this world any longer.
Haru opened the portal back to Iwatobi, and was now ready to assert his dominance. He walked through the portal and his mere prescence alone was enough to cure cancer. He was in Washington D.C. where he went to the White House. Crashing through the Oval Office's door, he threw Obama out the window and declared that he ruled the world. From thereon out, Haru's authority was so massive that he lived for a while 236,985 years before he finally kicked the bucket. Earth was destroyed by the sun around 198,660 years before that. Haru had been drifing in space before colliding with a comet, and with no Super Squiggly Fuck You Water Bounce Technique. That was the grand fall of Haru.
The end.