OK, firstly I am not in the slightest trying to be homophobic here, some of my best friends are gay, well that's a lie, but anyway I wanted to right something to counter all this Slash stuff I'm seeing (What is it with you girls and men kissing (irony implied). Lister is straight and any screen tongue time with Rimmer was down to a miss guided reaction to missing him. So a little story to clear the air after Blue.
Lister sat on the end of his bunk, his legs dangling over the edge. Had this been three months ago Rimmer would have jumped out and given him a dressing down about spare core directives on special awareness to fellow crew mates, but Rimmer was long gone.
Lister was in a crap mood, he should not have been but he was. He was 3 million light years away from the nearest kebab shop and right now he needed some home cooked food.
Lister slid off the bunk and moped across the room to look in the mirror. His familiar refection started sulkily back at him.
The reflection revealed that Kryten had just entered the room.
"Morning Mr Lister sir, how are you today, oh I see still in sulk mode, is that about what Miss tiny pants said?" said Kryten going about his duties.
Lister didn't turn round. "She thinks I'm like him." Said Lister.
"Who sir?" inquired Kryten.
"Her Lister, Mr smartly and neatly pressed cords Dave. Mr I'd rather go to a leather clothing convention than visit a the lost nuns of smuttyvill." Said Lister finally turning away from the mirror.
"Sir, you are making sexual stereo typical references that for all you know are wildly inaccurate. The fact that Mr David Lister in her Dimension was as far as I can understanding it was batting for the same side does not imply that he liked to walk around in studded bottomless leather pants." Said Kryten.
Lister plodded to the table chair and sat down. "She reckons that that dream I had about Rimmer means I'm a, you know." Said Lister.
"Sir, I thought we straighten that all out with the little show I put on. Do you need a repeat prescription?" asked Kryten sounding concerned.
"No man, I'm fine. I'm just a little sick of everyone thinking that since Rimmer's gone I miss the smegger in a romantic way." Said Lister.
"Well sir, given the closeness of your situation and the amount of time you have spent in the same room with the man, plus there is the fact you have not had sex in over 3 million years. It hardly seems a stretch of human needs to…" Lister cut Kryten off.
"Smeg off, I like my female wobbly bits thank you very much Kryters, no matter how long or far out in space we are, no bloddy way, got it!" said Lister forcefully.
Kryten looked sheepish. "Sir, I am merely pointing out the situation merits such observations."
"Well, stop bleeding observing and start backing me up man. The only thing I want to do to Rimmers head, is smack it, got it!" Said Lister mimicking hitting something with his fist.
"Sir, just so I am absolutely clear, which head are you referring too?" asked Kryten.
"Oh you're sick Kryten." Said Lister pulling a disgusted face.
Lister decided to leave.
**88888888
"So what are we all doing here?" asked Kochanski, looking around at Kryten and the Cat.
"I have no idea, but if monkey boy does not show up soon, It's going to put a serious dent in my plan to wax my leg hairs this afternoon." Said the Cat looking frustrated.
"I am sure Mr David will be along shortly, oh look here he comes now." Said Kryten spotting Lister coming down the stairs.
Lister stopped half way down, allowing himself a kind of platform to speak to the others. He drew a deep breath and began.
"I wanted to get something clear, to everyone. I David Cinzano Bianco Lister am as straight as a nail, I like women and I have no feelings for Arnold J Rimmer other than a comradeship of two men trapped in space." He saw the smirk on Kochanski's face. "And by that I'm not talking about bath time and spot the sub games. So if anyone wants me I'll be in the AR machine judging the all female volley ball contest for under 25s for the next six hours."
Lister turned and left the others staring at the space he had just occupied.
The Cat was first to speak. "Was that it, I wasted ten minutes of my time for that. I could have had half a leg done in that time."
"Kryten, did Lister say anything about this to you at all?" asked Kochanski.
"We may have had one of our special Mech to best buddy chats mam." Smirked Kryten, pleased to be one up on her.
"Oh, well glad to see he's got it all out in the open, at least I'll know from now on that it's not him nicking my eye liner." Said Kochanski.
Kryten looked guilty. "Ermm mam, that was me." He said.
"You, why do you want my eye liner?" asked Kochanski.
"It helps fill my body cracks just nicely, if you want it back I believe there is some left." Said Kryten.
Kochanski looked horrified by the idea and shook her head while walking away.
Kryten who was now stood alone looked up to the AR room and sighed. "That groinal attachement is going to need some serious scrubbing tonight!"
The End