Disclaimer: I do not own The Vampire Diaries TV show. That honor goes to Julie Plec and Kevin Williamson.

The What the Hell Diaries!

Welcome to the What the Hell Diaries. With each new chapter you can pick a character that you would like to see mocked and lightly tortured. So, let me know if you want someone specific before I write chapter 2. On with the show…

Chapter 1:

It was Christmas morning and Elena Gilbert was happy to be back home. Oh, wait. That's right - she burned down her home with her brother's body inside last year. But at least Jeremy was revived. She was truly blessed to have a group of friends who would sacrifice their own lives to make her happy. Letting out a contented sigh, Elena looked around the bedroom and then she frowned. That was weird. She could have sworn that she had just gone to Damon's bed but somehow she was in Stefan's. Oh, well.

Yawning, Elena got out of the bed. She strolled out of the room and into Damon's room. He wouldn't mind if she used his shower even though he professed to never want to see her again. Opening his bottle of shampoo, she breathed in the lovely scent that smelled like Damon. How he managed to find a shampoo that smelled like bourbon, blood and studely vampire she would never know. But maybe she would ask when she needed to have wild sex and to then dump him again.

Hearing a noise outside the shower curtain, Elena turned. "Damon, is that you? I need a towel," Elena called. Waiting for a response she began to worry when no one replied. Pulling back the shower curtain, she found that there was no one there and there were no towels. Stepping gingerly out of the shower, Elena walked out into the hallway. "Damon! Stefan! Anyone!" Elena shouted to the empty hallway. "Where is everyone? And more importantly, where are all the towels?" Feeling frustrated, Elena pulled open a door to the linen closet and found that there were no towels.

"Hey, Lena, you're going to be a star of Instagram," Stefan called and Elean whirled around, wrapping her arms around herself and finding that she could not cover up enough flesh.

"Stefan!" Elena shouted in horror at the grinning figure before her.

"I'm not Stefan. But I'll give you three guesses about who I am before I pull your heart out," Silas replied cheerily. "Oh, wait. My bad. It's Christmas. I'll give you five."

Screaming in fright, Elena ran from Silas. "Come back. I'm trying to find your good side and failing miserably, I might say."

"Leave me alone," Elena shouted over her shoulder before she fell down the stairs and found herself at the feet of a grinning Kol Mikaelson.

"Hello, doppleganger," Kol greeted Elena while wielding his infamous baseball bat. "I have so missed trying kill you. Let's rectify that problem, shall we?"

Screaming, Elena tucked herself into a ball and rolled away. "Help me. Somebody. Anybody! I'm the star of show. I can't die. This isn't Dawson's Creek where my love interest will become more interesting than me and no one will care if I die."

Looking around, Elena spotted a pair of black boots and rolled toward them. "Damon," she shouted to the boots.

"Not it's," Klaus called down to her with a smirk.

"Dear God. What are you doing here? Aren't supposed to be in New Orleans torturing other members or a primarily new cast of characters who are simply there to listen to your long explanations of why you are the great and scary hybrid who will kill and torture everyone they ever loved and knew and whatever it is that you say. I swear you talk more than I do and this is supposed to be all about Meeeeeee!"

"Is that Elena?" Damon shouted even though he was standing an inch away, peering down at her.

Jumping to her feet, Elena brushed her hair behind her ears and tried to ignore the fact that there was an evil hybrid standing behind her naked behind. "Damon, I was looking for you…"

"Damon, where do you keep the bourbon these days?" Rose called as she appeared from behind a corner.

"Same place as I always do," Damon shouted back.

Elena's jaw dropped. Rose was wearing Damon's shirt. How did she know? Because it was black and it was overly priced and… and… it barely covered Rose's butt. Wait, was Rose wearing her underwear? "Is she wearing my underwear?" Elena shouted, feeling horrified.

"Well, you weren't using them and Rose needed some and I usually don't bring girls who wear underwear home with me," Damon explained.

"But how is she here?" Elena shouted, feeling frustrated.

"Be-cause E-lena The Other Side is a mess because Bonnie can't do anything right. Duh!" Shaking his head in horror, Damon turned away when Katherine appeared. "Ah, man. I thought you were too busy having sex with Stefan while trying to text Nadia as a pretense of being a good mother."

"Stefan started drinking blood and is off killing people in the town's square. He said something about Elena wanting to snuggle and talk about her feelings toward Damon since Matt was at work and rarely appears anyway." Katherine explained while polishing her toenails. She had her foot propped on Klaus' shoulder and he looked irritated.

"Katherine, if you do not tell me where Caroline is, I will torture you," Klaus snarled at Katherine who rolled her eyes and moved her foot. "Why do you care? She's probably hooking up with one of her ghost boyfriends."

"What ghost boyfriends?" Klaus bellowed, his fangs protruding.

Katherine rolled her eyes and turned toward Elena. "Think that you can handle this? I have to go convince Stefan that turning off his humanity will likely result in Damon's life being threatened." Disappearing before Elena could reply, Elena was left to contemplate Klaus' fury as he grabbed her by the neck.

"Klaus, what are you doing?" Caroline shouted. "And, Elena, why are you naked with MY boyfriend… I mean the guy that I once had steamy sex with in the woods… I mean… Klaus, hey, what's up?" Smiling triumphantly, Caroline tossed her hair with a wide smile.

Klaus relaxed but he glowered at Caroline. "Who are these ghost boyfriends that Katherine mentioned?"

"That little bitch," Caroline yelled and then she turned her attention on Elena. "I should have known that it was you that was causing all these problems, Katherine." Stalking forward, Caroline shouted at Klaus. "Let go of her," Before Elena could thank Caroline as Klaus let go, she found Caroline's hand around her neck.

"Caroline," Elena groaned as Caroline's eyes darkened and Klaus smirked at her.

"Katherine, how did you get inside Elena's body again? You know what, it doesn't matter? I will just torture you until you tell me."

"Caroline, do you have any idea how sexy you are right now?" Klaus whispered to Caroline who was trying to ignore him but her smile told them volumes.

"Sorry, I have to make sure Katherine is punished for this bad behavior of hers," Caroline replied.

"I'm only in town for the next twenty hours," Klaus replied, placing a hand on Caroline's shoulder.

Whirling around, Caroline looked back at Klaus. "Hey, you gave me an epic promise that you would leave me alone. What the hell, Klaus?"

"With The Other Side crumbling I fear that we will all be dying in the very, very soon, love. And I promised you that I would be your last love. Would it be so horrible to ask you to spend twenty of your final hours on this plane naked and in my arms while I make love to you -" Before Klaus could finish his sentence Caroline was headed toward the door, her clothes flying.

"Now, that is how you get past making a promise," Klaus told Elena before running off.

Shivering because her hair had yet to dry and, frankly, she felt slightly violated after having so many people see her naked, Elena just wanted to put this day behind her. Oh, what was it that Klaus said about The Other Side crumbling? That would mean that Bonnie might die. Oh, God, And poor Jeremey would be heartbroken like every other year. Damn. She needed to find a hair dryer and a towel and some underwear because Rose was wearing hers. Ewww! Hurrying toward the staircase, Elena found Kol having a chat with Enzo on how unfair it was to be given so little chance to really develop their characters while the rest of these wankers just pranced about.

Taking careful steps backward, Elena walked into the Great Room hoping that she could cover herself with a pillow from one of the couches. Turning her attention to the corner of the room, Elena smiled. She had forgotten that it was Christmas. Walking over to the tree, forgetting all about the pillows, Elena stood looking up at the top of the tree. There was a tiny vampire smiling down at her. Now, that said a Salvatore Christmas to her.

"Hello, Elena, do you remember me?" a young man asked, looking down at her as she spun around and stared up at him in fear.

"You look like someone that Caroline might have liked but I don't pay that much attention unless it's one of my exes or Klaus," Elena replied, her lower lip trembling.

The guy shook his head. "I can't believe this. You drove a stake through my chest and you don't remember me?" Elena shook her head. She opened her mouth to profess how sorry she was but it had been a stressful year and she was having problems in her personal life and Caroline seemed so worked up about Tyler and Klaus and maybe it was Katherine who killed you that I really don't know what is going on half the time and are you sure that it was Caroline and not a girl who looked like Caroline.

Just as Elena started to allow her thoughts to come out the young man yanked off a piece of the Christmas tree and staked her. Feeling her life moving before her eyes she barely saw Rose walk into the room and pick up the glass decanter. "He's right. It is where is always was. Silly me. Who are you?" She asked the man who had staked Elena.

"Jesse," the man said, glaring down at Elena.

"Would you like to join us for brunch, Jesse?" Rose called, not seeming to notice Elena's corpse.

"That would be nice. Thank you," Jesse replied.

"It is Christmas after all," Rose told him with a laugh before exiting the room.

Jesse grabbed a blanket around the bottom of the tree and tossed it over Elena. She watched him as he walked away. Her eyelids closed slowly and her final thought was "Thank God. Someone finally covered me up. I thought that I would be naked forever." As she appeared as a ghost in the room, her jaw dropped as she realized that she was still naked. "Damn," she muttered, shaking her head in frustration. Somehow this just did not seem to be her day.

Okay. So, I hope you liked that. There's more where that came from but I have way too many stories so I will update this depending on how many reviews, favs and follows this gets. Thanks for reading, etc.

Peace,

LL