6Reaper
Chapter One (Jude and Caitlin)
*Welcome to Death Weapon Meister Academy, also known as the DWMA. It is here that the new forces of light are trained to protect mankind from the darkness, the creatures known as Kishin. Weapon and Meister combine forces to form humanity's last hope.
GRIM REAPER: In other words, we are an organization that exists to protect and preserve peace. Not your average school, I must say. Now, what do you say we roll up our sleeves and get to work?
The sinisterly grinning moon did little to light up the dark alleys of Death City. She ran for her life as the spiny humanoid creature pursued her through the darkness. The last thing she ever felt were its talons ripping her spine in half before everything went black.
From the woman's lifeless corpse floated a single ball of light, which the creature greedily devoured. It hissed wickedly.
"Power…More power!"
It was then that the creature spotted its next victim.
"Dude! Step away from the soul!"
It looked up to see two blonde high-schoolers standing at the top of a flight of stairs, illuminated by the moon. The female member of the two pointed at the creature.
"Serial killer Jack the Ripper. Your soul is mine."
"Ready when you are, brah."
"Remember, Jude. This man's soul has turned to the dark side and become a Kishin egg. It is pure evil."
"I know, Caitlin. Essentially, all that's left of this dude is one giant weapon."
The boy took out his skateboard and rode it down the edge of the stairs, leaping into the air upon it. His body became a swirl of light, from which came a long-handled scythe. The scythe landed in Caitlin's hands and spoke in Jude's voice.
"The only difference between me and him is that I look WAY more awesome in my weapon form. Now, let's do this!"
The wicked creature leapt high, attempting to spear Caitlin with its claws, but she skillfully parried it with her Jude-scythe, spinning it with the force of the blow. It then ran straight up a building and jumped on them again. Caitlin parried again, but the beast was expecting it and kept up its attack, gradually forcing Caitlin and Jude into a corner. A wayward slash cut through the wall of a nearby building, buying the pair just enough time to find a new vantage point. The sound of metal striking metal rang throughout the streets. Just when Jack the Ripper had Caitlin and Jude backed up at the edge of the steps, Caitlin leapt ahead unexpectedly, pushing herself off the monster's head with her foot. It stumbled, then leapt again, but Caitlin was already airborne and waiting for it. One swing of the blade clove him in half, him being unable to dodge in midair.
"Jude, we've got it! The 99th Soul!"
The beast's body, now sliced in twain, imploded into a whirling black tornado. There was a blinding flash of light, and then all that was left was a single orb of burning red fire, which Jude promptly ate.
"Suh-weet! Major props on the grindage, Caitlin."
"Enjoy it, Jude, because it's our last one! It may have taken a while, but this soul is the 99th Kishin soul we need. Now all that's left is-"
"The soul of a witch. All we need now is one of those bad boys and then I'll be one of Lord Death's weapons. As if I wasn't awesome enough already."
"Well, all the same, we probably need to report this to Lord Death."
The two walked together in silence for a little while until they found what they were looking for: a large clear storefront window. Caitlin breathed on it and began writing something in the condensation with her finger.
"42 42 564 whenever you want to knock on Death's door."
The mirror rippled and rang like a phone ringer until the face of Death appeared before them. He was what you would expect from the Grim Reaper, but much less scary.
"Hello, Lord Death. Scythe Meister Caitlin reporting."
"Ah, hello, Meister Caitlin. So how was it? How did it go?"
Jude interrupted her.
"It went AWE-SOME! We got the last Kishin soul and everything!"
"Yeah, now all we need to do is collect one witch soul and we'll be done."
The Grim Reaper clapped his skeletal hands together in delight.
"Oh, well done, both of you. You know, Caitlin, if you keep this up, you'll turn out to be just as great a Meister as your mother was."
Caitlin placed a hand behind her head and giggled sheepishly.
"Hey, Soul Eater! You so much as lay one hand on my daughter and I promise you as a Death Scythe…no, as her father I swear that I will spike your freakin' head into the end zone! One foul and it's red card all the way. You got that, you little octopus head?"
Death Scythe, Caitlin's father, was a red-headed square-jawed man with exactly the kind of temperament one would expect from someone with that description.
"Dude, what are you smoking? Do you not see how awesome I am? Do you really think that a dude like me would settle for someone like her?"
Oddly, these words had the opposite effect, turning Death Scythe's mood around completely.
"What'd you just say?! Are you trying to tell me that Caitlin's not attractive? Why, she's a real first-stringer! Why haven't you made a move on her already? You're a man, aren't you? You gotta start playing offense there, son."
He turned his attention to Caitlin now.
"Caitlin, you know your Daddy loves you."
His daughter snorted and turned up her nose in disgust.
"Save your breath. There's no way I'll ever consider you my Daddy."
Lord Death called for quiet as Death Scythe sank to the floor in despair.
"Okay, okay. That's enough of that. Let's leave the family feud aside and focus on the matter at hand, shall we? As you know, once a Meister and Weapon pair collect 99 Kishin souls, in addition to the soul of one witch, then the weapon will have obtained the qualifications necessary to become a Death Scythe, one of my instruments. However, it is that last soul that you need to be concerned about. I'm sure that I don't need to tell you that there are countless Meisters who have lost their lives the day they decided to challenge a witch."
"He's right, Jude. We're going to need to be uncharacteristically clever in doing this."
Jude saluted casually.
"Roger that, Cappy Tan."
Before they signed off, Lord Death had one last thing to say.
"And please do be careful not to make any mistakes. If there is a problem with the witch's soul, then all 99 of the other souls that you have collected thus far will be confiscated."
"We'll be careful."
BLIP.
In the corner, Death Scythe continued to lament until Lord Death could stand it no more and attacked him.
WHAM!
"If you don't stop your whining, I'm going to use my Reaper Chop to split your head wide open."
"It's more effective if you warn before you chop."
Elsewhere, far beyond the outskirts of Death City, a beautiful and seductive woman was taking a very magical bath.
"Pum-pum-pum-pumI always get what I want,
Just give it to me.
Pum-pum-pum-pum
I'm a beauty, beautiful pretty lady!"
She motioned with a claw-like hand for a levitating scrub brush to come forward.
"Come give my back a scrub."
"But you know, you knowI've got a secret, yes I do
Pumpkins, pum-pum-pumpkin, pum-pum-pumpkin
'Cause that's my magic spell
Pum-pum-pumpkin, pum-pum-pumpkin…"
Jude and Caitlin came to a dead stop right in front of the main door of the pumpkin house where the witch lived.
"Here we are, Jude. This is the house where the witch Tricia is supposed to live."
"A pumpkin house? Wicked! But sneaking in isn't really cool, so why don't we just bust in like we always do?"
Before Caitlin could explain otherwise, Jude leapt high and crashed through the nearby stained glass window…right into Tricia's bathroom.
"HOT NAKED CHICK!"
He crashed face first into the bathtub, his face right in between her breasts.
"Aw, it's nothing, man. Awesome dudes like me see naked chicks all the time." Jude said, not fooling anybody.
"I'm sure you do. That's probably why you're blushing so much."
It was then that Caitlin busted in and kicked Jude out of the bathtub.
"What are you doing?! Sorry to interrupt, but we'll be taking your soul now, witch. Turn into a scythe already, Jude!"
Jude hastened to obey and Tricia got out of the bath, conjuring up a set of revealing clothes instantly.
"Witch? Alrighty then, but I just hope that little Scythie Boy is okay. Pum-pum-pumpkin…"
Too late Caitlin saw the glowing ball of orange energy forming in her hand.
"Halloween Cannon!"
The next day, somewhere in Death City, Death Scythe was living it up with a couple of hookers from Chupa Cabras, the local strip joint.
"Wow, Death Scythe, you're a real frisky one."
"And I've heard that you've got a little daughter, too. What's she like?"
Death Scythe froze up, so it was up to the other whore to field the question.
"You really don't want to ask that. You see, in case you haven't been able to guess by now, Death Scythe is kind of a player, and that didn't go over too well with his wife. They're in the process of getting a divorce, and the worst part is that his daughter Caitlin is on her mother's side. She totally hates him."
Unwanting to hear any more, it was at that point that Death Scythe ran out of the joint crying.
It had taken them about a week of false starts, but soon Jude and Caitlin were going up against Tricia in a real fight, deep in the alleyways of Death City. Surrounded by glowing orange pumpkins, one of which Tricia was riding, yet another defeat seemed imminent.
"Just give it up. You know you can't beat me, Lemon Head."
Caitlin slammed Jude's blade edge into the ground bad-temperedly.
"Ugh! You know, you can be really useless sometimes. I bet the real reason you just barged into her house last week because you knew she was taking a bath."
"Okay, that right there is a totally groundless accusation. What makes you chicks get so down on us dudes anyway?"
As they continued to argue, Tricia launched another giant pumpkin at them. All they could do was avoid it.
This isn't good. Those pumpkins of hers are too big to knock out of the way with my scythe. We're at a total disadvantage here!
"Hey there, little Scythie Boy. It's obvious that you two aren't right for each other, so why don't you forget about Caitlin and come be mine? You know I'd never complain no matter what you tried to do to me."
Jude was tempted by the offer.
"Hey, Tricia! Jude's my partner, not yours. Got that?"
Rather than answer, Tricia magically lengthened the tip of her hat and used it to try and grab Caitlin. She ducked out of the way just in time and brought down a straight slash at Tricia, only to slice through the pumpkin instead.
"What'll we do, Jude? She's too fast for us. None of our attacks can catch up with her."
No answer.
"Jude? Jude, are you still in there?"
After drinking himself into a semi-stupor every night for the last week, Death Scythe's mood had greatly improved.
"Heh heh. Yeah, another touchdown of a night at Chupa Cabras!"
Lord Death turned to him with his eye sockets furrowed like a normal man's eyebrows.
"I can't believe you! You're out drinking while your only daughter fights for her life? What kind of a father are you?"
"What? Caitlin's in trouble?! Hold on, Caitlin, Daddy's comin'!"
Several sharp scythe blades appeared from Death Scythe's body, but Lord Death stopped him.
"Hold it right there! You or I could defeat such an opponent with one blow. All it would take is a single Reaper Chop to smash her skull. But our abilities aren't the ones being tested right now. Besides, I can't help feeling that there's something off about this witch."
Reeling from another attack, Caitlin soon found herself dangling from a rooftop, Jude's blade the only thing keeping her from falling.
"Jude, why aren't you answering me?"
"Caitlin…stop talking."
He slowly transformed back into a skater dude and pulled Caitlin up onto the roof.
"I don't think we should be partners any more, Caitlin. Now that I think about it, Tricia's way hotter after all."
Enraged, Caitlin pointed at the levitating witch.
"You! You used some kind of spell to make Jude want to be with you. That's cheating, you little witch!"
Tricia merely smirked.
"I'm not doing anything."
"Yeah, you just don't get it, brah. Any dude would wanna go out with a Betty like Trish. I'm choosing her of my own free will."
"Yeah, come to think of it, that girl does have a slam dunk of a body."
WHAM!
"I think it's time you took a little nappie now."
Caitlin's fists shook with anger.
"You guys…you're all alike. You only see physical beauty and you just go after it, regardless of the consequences. It's not fair! But I thought you were different. Out of everyone, you were the only person I decided to trust, and you too…All of you…ALL OF YOU SUCK!"
Her head lowered with regret.
"Jude…you asked me earlier why chicks are always so down on you dudes. But why are you dudes always so perverted and selfish?"
"No idea, brah."
A curved scythe blade shot out from the side of Jude's head, dangerously close to Tricia's throat.
"After all, awesome dudes don't cheat on their partners."
Caitlin grabbed his proffered scythe handle and cut Tricia's head off with all the finesse of Wolfgang Puck. Her body collapsed inward like Jack the Ripper's had, leaving behind only a glowing purple ball.
"Well, looks like this is the last one."
"Yeah. Once you eat that, we'll have all we need to make you into a Death Scythe."
"Here we go!"
Jude swallowed the soul orb in one bite, allowing for tremendous new powers to wash over him…but they didn't. As the two of them stood wondering what had gone wrong, a small brown cat wearing a very familiar-looking hat walked by and meowed.
"D-Don't tell me…"
When the strange cat spoke, it was in Tricia's voice.
"Don't blame me. You were the ones who insisted I was a witch. I'm really just an ordinary cat with much more than her fair share of magic powers."
To prove it, she POOF-ed back into her human form.
"See what I mean?"
"Yep. It's just as I suspected."
"Don't worry, girlie. I'll be your cat toy. You can spike my balls into the end zone any time."
WHAM!
"So you're telling me what? That I ate 99 Kishin Souls and one cat soul? That is just messed up, man."
Caitlin's jaw dropped in realization.
"It gets worse, Jude."
And please do be careful not to make any mistakes. If there is a problem with the witch's soul, then all 99 of the other souls that you have collected thus far will be confiscated.
"So we failed."
"AWW, MAN!"
Jude sped off on his skateboard towards the Academy, Caitlin managing to follow him on a pink Vespa.
"And I was this close to being the most awesome dude at the Academy!"
From the corner of her eye, Caitlin could see Tricia, following them on one of her pumpkins.
"Hey! Jude just ate your soul, you dumb cat! Why are you still following us?!"
"Yeah, and how the heck are you even alive right now?"
Tricia giggled.
"Not too smart, are you, Lemon Head? Didn't you know that all cats have nine lives, and thus, nine souls? Why not leave that loser and come with me, Judiekins? You know you want to."
Jude could barely keep his mind on the road ahead of him as he tried to ignore the two women's banter.
"This whole situation is majorly harshing my mellow."
END
*Coming Up Next: The boy's name is Jonesy. He is an assassin and the wielder of Nikki, the magic chain scythe.
"So are these the guys?"
"Yes. We're after Don Al Capone and his gang, totaling over 100 Kishin souls in all."
"One hundred versus me. I like our odds."
Next time: Part 2: Jonesy
PS: I own none of this. It's just a parody and I make no monetary profit.