Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. The situation is mine, the characters are not.
Warning: This story contains an implication of homosexuality. If you don't like it, don't read it. Flames are not appreciated.
"Lily!" I shouted across the sprawling grounds of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. "Lily! Wait up!" The redhead I had been relentlessly pursuing since breakfast in the Great Hall this morning finally turned around.
"What do you want, Sirius?" she asked. She sounded a bit exasperated. I wondered briefly if it was about James—he can be a bit of an idiot sometimes—before my own problems came crashing down on me once again.
"I need to talk to you." I must have sounded desperate, because she didn't make excuses or jokes or anything. She just nodded, and let me help her up into the old apple tree that grew on the bank of the lake. Well, maybe I didn't sound quite as desperate as I thought. To those who know how to read me, my eyes are like an open book. Thankfully, there are only two people in the world who can read me that well—Lily and Remus. Sure, James is my best friend, but I tell him everything. With Lily and Remus, it's like I don't need words at all.
"Sirius, what's wrong?" Lily shook me gently, her voice full of concern. I looked up and met her eyes. They widened. I knew full well that the pain I'd been hiding for so long was etched across my face as plain as day. She studied my face for a moment before she said, "Some girl finally broke your heart?" Her eyes sparkled a little as if she were teasing me, but as usual, she'd hit the nail on the head...or close, anyway.
"It wasn't a girl," I whispered. This was what had been torturing me for the past month and a half. I could not tell James about this. Best friend or not, he would freak out, and now more than ever I needed him to take my mind off things.
Lily smiled slightly, and pulled me into a hug. We were silent for a moment before I continued.
"I...he told me he loved me and I wanted...to feel loved...like I belonged...I thought...we...one night we..." I trailed off, unable to finish. Helplessly, I looked at Lily. I smiled a bit when I saw that her cheeks were tinged with red. She knew what I meant. "In the morning after we'd..." I looked at Lily, who nodded, "he told me that we were too different...that I wasn't what he was looking for. It wasn't anything special, by any means...just a lot of grunting and sweat. I just...feel like an idiot. Used." Suddenly, panic gripped me. "Lily, you can't tell James. Please!" I begged. A million reasons why chased each other around in my head, making me dizzy and giving me a splitting headache. Lily just held me tighter and kissed my forehead.
"Relax love, I've known for a while what you like. I haven't told a soul." I looked into her bright green eyes and my shoulders slumped with relief. She smiled. It was so infectious that I couldn't help but smile back.
Pulling away a little, she enquired, "Feel better?"
"A little, yes," I said, still smiling. It was the first genuine smile I'd had in over a month.
"Time will heal your heart, Sirius, and as always, I'm here whenever you need me."
"Thanks, Lils." I hugged her.
"May I make a suggestion?" she asked, eyes sparkling.
"Of course," I answered, curious.
"Tell Remus. You might find that you have more in common than you think." And with that cryptic remark, she kissed me on the cheek and slid out of the tree, leaving me wondering what the hell she meant.
A few days later, I was moping around the castle. I still hadn't told Remus. I'm not sure why I hadn't. Actually, that's bull crap. I knew exactly why I hadn't told him. I was scared. Terrified that he would leave me once I told him—that our friendship would never be the same. Well, some Gryffindor I am. Maybe my parents were right. No, scratch that. My parents are never right. These are exactly the type of thoughts I'd been having for the last few days. Good thing it's a Saturday. At the rate I'm going, I'd never make it through another school day. I just barely avoided detention yesterday for carelessness. I really have to do something about this.
After breakfast, I wandered the halls in a bit of a daze. Eventually I found myself in the astronomy tower. Naturally, I wondered how I'd gotten there, since I hadn't been paying any particular attention to where I was going. I sat down with my back to the cool stone, the same annoying litany that I'd been thinking about for the last few days running circles through my head. 'Tell him. Don't tell him. Tell him. No...' it went on and on. I contemplated throwing myself off the tower a few times just to shut up the voices in my head. What was worse, now I wasn't just scared of telling him because our friendship could be over, I was scared because I wanted him, and there was no way that he could ever want me.
I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing that I remember is hitting my head against the stone wall when I jumped at the sound of a voice next to me.
"Hey Sirius," the voice said (that's when I jumped), "I noticed you weren't at lunch, so I brought you this." 'This' was a ham sandwich, a glass of pumpkin juice, and a slice of blueberry pie.
"Thanks," I managed to gasp through the pain in my head. When I could see clearly again, I looked up into a pair of golden eyes, and a handsome face that I knew as well as my own. "Hey Remus," I mumbled.
"What's wrong?" he asked, his voice as smooth and rich as honey.
I looked down. I didn't want him to see the pain and confusion that were surely in my eyes.
"Look at me," he commanded softly.
That I would not do. I shook my head and mumble something incoherent. When I didn't look up after a few moments, he tried again.
"Sirius, look at me." It wasn't a request this time. This was an order, and his voice held the timbre of the alpha wolf he was. My head snapped up. I could no more defy that voice that I could lick my own elbow. Physically impossible. I've tried.
Our eyes locked. I knew instinctively that everything I'd told Lily, he knew, and I hadn't even said a word. My cheeks burned red with shame. As tears leaked from my eyes, I tried to look away and found that I couldn't. "I was so stupid," I whispered. "I should have seen it coming..." I moved to wipe away my tears, but he caught my hands before I could do so.
"Shhh," Remus whispered. "It'll be alright." One of his hands still gripped mine, but the other moved slowly across my face, his slightly calloused thumb brushing my cheekbone, wiping away my tears.
I looked down, studying our hands in my lap. There was something in his beautiful golden eyes that left me feeling uncharacteristically self-conscious.
"He told me I wasn't...what he was looking for...that I wasn't worth wasting his time on because I'd never be adept enough to please anyone..." I muttered under my breath. I didn't really want Remus to hear the parting taunt I'd been given, for fear he would confirm it. I'd forgotten about the supernatural hearing of the lycanthrope sitting across from me though.
A low growl emanated from Remus' throat. Startled, I looked up again into his honey-butterscotch eyes and saw them darken almost to black with rage.
"He is a fool who has no idea what he's throwing away," Remus almost growled. His voice was trembling with anger. I pulled away slightly in shock. His eyes softened, and he looked at me searchingly for a moment before slowly leaning in and pressing his lips gently to mine.
"Wha...Remus?" I managed to gasp as he pulled away.
"I'm sorry," he said, straightening. "I probably shouldn't have done that."
"But you wanted to," I pointed out.
"Yes," he replied simply.
Since he still had my hands captive—I don't think he realizes how strong he really is (it must be the werewolf)—it wasn't like I could grab him and snog him senseless like I really wanted to. One chaste kiss from him and it was as if the stars had suddenly appeared in my previously starless night. I wasn't exactly sure what this was, but I wasn't going to think too hard about it either.
"Would you kiss me again Remus? Please?" I'd leaned forward to kiss him, but he was out of my current reach. I bit my lower lip nervously, afraid he'd say no. I hoped he wouldn't. Asking him for kisses made me feel kind of nervous and excited all at once. It was a new feeling that was fizzing up in my chest, and I didn't want it to stop. He chuckled deep in his throat and leaned in again. This kiss was not at all like the first. Where the first had been gentle and questioning, this one was definitely not. Too soon, he pulled away.
"Remus..." I moaned. I really wanted him to keep doing that. He smiled at me and pulled me up from my seat. As he lead me down the stairs from the astronomy tower, his thumb continuously rubbed circles over the back of my hand. In that moment, I knew that somehow, this time would be different.