A/N: Hi. These here are some shots of LOTR crack sloppily twined together as a multi-chapter, multi-functioning crack pineapple party! This serves as DANA'S Roma, Christmas, New Year's, and Pineapple Party present. HAPPY EVERYTHING, DANA! I LURVE YE!!!!

Disclaimer: Everything © Tolkien

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Let's do this!

We begin our venture in Mirkwood, at the palace of the wood-elves. Legolas and his father, King Thranduil were in the receiving court. Thranduil sat on a big-ass pimp chair, and Legolas stood beside him in his best little dress shirt and crown. King T-Bone had a very bizarre grin on his face, and was wearing his usual crown of leaves.

"Do I look all right, Father?" Legolas was fiddling with his tunic. "Is my collar straight? Is there any mud on my boots? How's my hair look?"

Thranduil stared weirdly ahead.

"Father…" Legolas glanced hesitantly up at the King. "Do you think she'll like me…?"

"NOT AT ALL, SON!!" Thranduil bellowed. He settled back into his wacky smile. Legolas blinked and looked ashen.

"O-oh…"

Behind them, the court elves sighed and whispered.

"Thranduil's just never been the same after that whole vaginal ring incident…"

Legolas was trying not to cry.

The doors opened, and two men came in carrying a large rectangular object. Legolas gulped as they set it on the floor, grasped the cloth…and pulled it down to unveil a large floor-length mirror.

"OHMAIGAW, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL!!" Legolas cried, looking eye-to-eye with his reflection in the mirror. "Never has such a gorgeous creature graced the lands of Middle Earth!!"

He hopped over to it and proceeded to oogle and glomp...himself.

"DANG, I'M PURTY!! TOO PURTY FOR ANYONE ELSE BUT ME!!" He hollered as he humped the edge of the glass.

The mirror-handlers paid no mind to the self-fornication, and advanced on Thranduil, grabbing him underneath his armpits, hauling him off to his private chambers.

"Right then, time to talk 'sum foreign relations," one said.

"Yeah, we want proper compensation for throwing one of best mirrors to your gibbering, asexual mess of a son," the other added.

"I SMELL A POKEMON BATTLE!!" Thranduil exclaimed.

Behind him, Legolas was dragging the mirror off to the ceremonial honeymoon chamber, declaring that he "could not wait" to be properly bonded to himself.

"I wanna move to Rivendell," one court elf whimpered.

"Oh, no, you do NOT," one retorted. "You have nooo idea…"

Kickin' it over to Rivendell…

"DAMMIT!!" Elrond shrieked. His twin sons, Elladan and Elrohir, ran flailing gleefully away into the halls of Rivendell. A shaggy piece of fur was clenched in their fists.

"COME BACK WITH MY EYEBROWS!!" He bellowed. "IMA GO—oooh…feeling woozy…"

Elrond swerved, fell to the ground and rolled down the stairs. Glorfindel came around the corner, yelped and nearly piddled himself at seeing his browless master.

"Lord…?" Glorfy leaned tentatively over the elf-king.

"Source…of power…gone…" Elrond wheezed.

Glorfy-poo stepped back from Elrond, a bit horrified at the vast, expanseless forehead of his master. It was pale, colossal, and seemed to invitingly call to him as it swirled around the inside of his mind.

Come, Glorfindel…Elrond's forehead said. Come join with my infinite dimensions…

Glorfifi trembled, and tore away from Elrond.

"YOU SHALL NOT TAKE ME, EVIL HEAD!!" He shrieked and ran away through the house of the elves.

Glorfoschnitzel (with a name like Glorfindel, how can you not expect to be made fun of? THE BEATINGS CONTINUE!!) spun through the halls, chaotically whirling. Thousands of miles away in Eowyn's crib at Edoras, Faramir sat straight up.

"Something…just…broke…" he said, blinking. He got out of bed, and started dressing.

"Faramir?" Eowyn called groggily from the bed. "Where are you going?"

Faramir spun around, dressed for success.

"IMA DO SOMETHIN' 'BOUT 'DIS!!!" he declared, fist triumphantly in the air, drums beating and trumpets screaming as a glorious riot of angels and luminescence poured from behind his head, rendering him a truly god-like figure of justice and order.

"'Kay."

An angel crashed into the window.

"Oh," Faramir rubbed the back of his head. "So, uh…I'll be back in time for dinner."

"Righteous," Eowyn rolled over, and went back to sleep. Faramir went out, mounted his horse, and twiddled across the continent, making for Rivendell.

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A/N: So, yeah, OC's are a no-no, a Gimli pairing is just not hot, Aragorn has an elf-babe, so the only OTHER person on Middle Earth worthy of Legolas…is Legolas. 0.O Asexuality solves all international conflicts.