a/a: Of course I must begin with stating that I don't own A Great and Terrible Beauty or Rebel Angels

This story is my interpretation of the third book. It is more about the romance that surrounds Gemma, but it does follow the same outline of the first two books concerning the Realms and all.

I hope you enjoy!

Simon Middleton is coming to the Spring ball at Spence. Every girl is talking about it, whispering it up and down the hallways. The Great Simon Middleton, one of England's most eligible bachelors. He is handsome, charming, a gentleman, and best of all, filthy rich. He would be the dream husband for any of them.

Or at least that's what I think they're saying.

They all know of my and Simon's affair last Christmas – how he had offered me his family's brooch; how he had danced with me at the Worthington's Christmas ball; how he had walked with me in the park, and how I had turned him down.

Whenever I come near, their whispers cease and they find something to occupy their attention; as if the carpet stain is more entertaining than frivolous gossip. I smile charmingly at them, ask after their families, talk of the weather. But there is always that barrier between us. They, who want nothing more than for me to leave them, allowing the continuation of discussing luscious scandals about myself; and me, who wants nothing more than to be accepted, yet alone, and out of their disgraceful conversation.

But women never got what they want.

We must be proper, never express our feelings. Always smile and be gracious, or we will be outcast, shameful figures against society. I do not want to be proper, I want my own life, back in India. But, Mrs. Worthington's reputation always hangs over my head. I do not want to be gossiped about and teased and loathed. I want to be loved, appreciated, a mystery to men. But I am Gemma Doyle, a mystery to herself.

What did Simon Middleton ever see in me? I'm plain looking, not very appealing compared to Pippa or Felicity. Not very interesting, I'm quite dull. Not very proper either, I can't dance; I'm not witty; not charming.

And Simon Middleton is all of these.

And, yet, I denied him.

Maybe I am worthy of gossip. I am stupid. I am naïve. I am everything England wants not.

Maybe I should just join the gypsies as Kartik once did.

Kartik.

His name brings a wave of cinnamon and burning fire.

Kartik.

I haven't seen him since Christmas. After he defied the Rakshana, he had no need to follow me. He had no orders to attend to. I was just a thorn in his side, a mess he had to clean. And yet, as I left him those months ago, he seemed to long for me, as I have longed for him these passing days. I admit, I miss him stalking me, those cryptic messages, those close encounters. And dare I acknowledge it; I miss his firm lips against mine. Many nights I dream of him, next to me in Spence. But I always wake shaking and sweating, with Ann snoring in the bed next to mine.

But I always seem to wake shaking and sweating.

I have such horrible nightmares. I see Pippa, sharp-toothed, black eyed, power hungry – staring at me, craving my flesh between her teeth.

I fear returning to the Realms. I fear seeing Pippa, fearing what she has become.

Felicity is anxious, though. She's always begging me. Poor Ann just wants to be loved; so she always follows suit.

I just want my mother. I don't even care if she was never honest with me, Father, or even herself. She was my mother, and I loved her for it. I just wish I could see her again, in the Realms. But she has passed, as it should be.

Grandmama wrote me last month, updating me on Father, Tom, and England gossip. It would be nice to know she's doing this for me, but she is writing me because it is proper, and she above all does not want to be shunned. She would disown me at the slightest hint of scandal. I'm surprised she hasn't ignored me since the Simon incident. In the letter, she spoke of him often; expressing how he frequently invites Tom to his club and how he inquires after my health. She believes there is still hope.

But there isn't any.

Simon will come to the Spring ball, as will Tom and other family connections. He will come to make an appearance, to find a suitable wife that will not scare his image. He might even be coming for Felicity. I do not know.

Simon Middleton is lost to me.

But then, why do I think of him so often, so endearing and without integrity?

Kartik is in my dreams and Simon is in my thoughts.

What a mess I have made.

a/a: Please review!