If someone asked me to describe Zee Captain, what would be the words that I chose? Well, to start off with, I'd say he was an egotistical, narcissistic maniac who cared only for himself and no one else, a man whose brain is so warped that I can't even begin to comprehend it, and that he was the single stupidest, most selfish person alive—though that's not saying much, anymore—and the only person he could possibly be more intelligent than was Pilot.

And I'd be just getting warmed up.

But… for some reason, despite all that… I loved the way he smelled. Delicious, as he would say. I also relished how warm he was, and I loved his smile, which very few people have ever seen.

Let me back up a bit.

As usual, it was a dull, radioactive day. Clouds gathered over what was left of a once, bustling city. Little, less threatening mutants dipped and dodged in and out of the rubble. I was doing some urban exploring… also known as climbing up into a skyscraper which could potentially lead to my death in search of supplies. I hadn't wanted to go up there, but there was another reason for it. Captain told me to climb the building.

He was holding an old Polaroid camera. I have no clue where he got it, but I figure it's better not to ask those kinds of questions. "Mien Snippy Sniper! Cease your verbiage and scale that there tower ascending into the heavens!" He pointed dramatically to the sky scraper.

"Why?" I asked, feeling dull and bored. It was one of those days when I just wanted to go back to bed. But if I did that, I would probably wake up wearing a fairy costume or something equally ridiculous.

Captain held up the old camera and shook it a little. "I shall take your picture, mien minion! It will look glorious in my wallet!"

"Huh," I said. "Does that camera even have any film in it?"

"Of course, silly Snipster!" He reached out and patted me on the head.

I slapped his hand away. "Knock it off."

He smacked my hand in return. "Do not raise your hand against your captain! Do you wish me to summon Pilot? I'm sure he would be very angry with you…"

"Bwah?! I-I mean, no. S-sorry, sir."

His tone instantly cheery again, he chirped in his German accent, "Excellent! Now, up the building you go, Mister Sniper! Make sure you get all the way to the tippy top!"

Ugh.

I turned and looked up at the large, teetering building. It didn't look friendly in the least.

I felt him shove me between the shoulder blades. "Off you trot, my pretty pony!"

Recovering from my short stumble, I trudged over to the building and began the slow climb to the top. Each stair my foot touched creaked, bowing under my weight. On top of that, there were no handrails and the walls on either side of me were all but completely gone. If I tripped, I wouldn't have any method of breaking my fall.

I cautiously tiptoed to the top, peeking into the more intact looking rooms for food and supplies. Fruitless. The place was demolished. Insulation was crumbling through the ceiling, the furniture was destroyed, and I was amazed that the stairs were even holding me up.

I eventually reached the top and peered out of the highest window, down to the ground. From ten stories, I saw Captain sitting on the ground, drawing in the dirt with a stick. I searched around for a chunk of rubble, then tossed it down to get his attention. It hit him on the shoulder with a little puff of ash.

"Oi!" he yelled, surprised. "Who was boobish enough to do that?"

I whistled. "Captain! Hey!"

His gaze travelled upwards, his hand over the brim of his cap to shield his eyes from the non-existent sunlight. "Hello!" He waved to me cheerily, in an over-exaggerated way.

I lazily waved back and waited as he got his camera in order. I didn't see the flash or hear a click, but I saw his thumbs up, indicating that I could come down, now.

Such a pointless exercise. I would bet anything that as soon as I came down, he would ask me to go right back up again so he could take another picture. Or better yet, he would realize that he had no film and would make me go hunt for it.

I sighed and began the trip back down the steps, double checking the rooms for supplies.

As I neared the bottom floor, the steps did something that I had honestly expected them to; they broke. My feet went out from under me, my arms windmilling. I grasped at the walls, but the insulation broke away in my hands. I tumbled down the stairs, crashing onto the landing, my shoulder painfully colliding with the opposite wall. Dazed, I tried to get my bearings and onto my feet.

Footsteps came up to the building, and a mask that I knew far too well peered inside at me. "Mister Snippy?"

Did he sound… worried?

"Hullo," I said, finally standing. "The stairs broke. I'm fine. I've lived through worse." I was tempted to mention that I had been pierced entirely through my torso and had somehow survived, but I didn't say it.

He skipped up to me and looked me over, as if checking for damage. I seemed fine, to him, but he brushed some of the dust off my shoulders, his fingers lingering a few moments longer than necessary.

He was taller than me. Not by much, but enough to force me to look up. I hated it. I also hated how he was still standing there, his hands on my shoulders, the polaroid camera lying on the ground, forgotten.

A new idea seemed to occur to him. "Mister Snippy! We are in the perfect position for dancing!"

"Bwah?" I certainly didn't like this new development. "I mean… what? Why? No! But…"

"Halt your fluttering," he said loudly, startling me into silence. His hand moved to my waist, the other grasping my hand. "Let us dance!"

I tried to pry myself away, but Captain is a strong man. He nearly crushed my fingers in his death grip, his other hand leaving a fresh bruise on my hip. Eventually, I gave up, placed my other hand on his shoulder, and let him pull me around on the floor of the old abandoned building as he hummed his own warped version of "Que Sera".

I had long ago come to grips with the fact that in the wasteland, I was always either cold, wet, or some combination thereof. However, since I had managed to neatly avoid all the puddles, I was just cold today.

Captain always seemed to be warm. I blamed it on the radiation. But it didn't stop me from inching closer to him, the iciness in my limbs melting away bit by bit.

"Ah! Mister Snippy wants to slow dance! So be it!"

"Bwah! No! Stop! Leggo!"

He wrapped his arms around me, both hands resting on the small of my back. I was forced to hold onto his shoulders. He completely closed the space between us, which I strongly disliked, being a man who valued personal space. However, I was always freezing to death, and Captain was a heat source. I relented, resting my chin on his shoulder.

"This reminds me of my youth," he said, his tone somewhat hushed. Odd, that. He normally spoke at full volume. "When I had a special lady-friend over. We went out dancing. Ah! Such lovely times before warfare! Mister Snippy, did you ever have a lady-friend?"

My face flushed. "No. Why do you care?"

"Just making conversation," he said, sounding defensive. "There are no more lady-friends, otherwise your captain would have a whole harem to choose from! Ah, that would be nice…"

Okay. That's weird, even for him. I finally managed to shove him away, pushing away the warmth.

"Why do you break away, Mister Snippy?" he asked tentatively. "Were you not enjoying dancing with your sexy captain?" He traced his hand down his chest in what he must have thought to be an alluring way.

I frowned at him, my goggles conveying my emotion. "No, I wasn't. I'm going to go look for food, now."

He sighed a little. "If you must. Pilot has probably found us a place to sleep for tonight!"

A shiver went through my spine as I thought about what would have happened if Pilot had walked in on Captain and me while we were dancing. I probably would've gotten my throat slit. If that Engie guy had walked in, he probably would have started laughing.

It's weird. I feel like I know him from somewhere… Whatever. It doesn't matter anymore.

I turned to leave, but before I could exit the building, I felt a pair of hands on my stomach, and a warm, solid body pressed against my back. I put my hands over Captain's with the intent of pushing him off, but he gripped my fingers instead, resting his chin on my shoulder.

"You always seem cold, Mister Snippy," he mumbled in my ear. "Why do you never seek warmth with your Captain?"

I struggled half-heartedly. "Get off."

"Nein." He gripped me even tighter, holding me closer. My cheek felt hot.

"Please?"

"Nein."

I sighed. "Okay. But I need to look for food, soon."

One of his hands left my stomach, traced up my chest, over my shoulder, and to my neck. He hooked my hood with a fingertip and pulled it back.

"Ah… Captain, the radiation…"

"I had Mister Engie check it earlier. It should be perfectly safe." For some odd reason, his words were no longer muffled, as if he wasn't wearing his… mask?

His breath tickled my neck. I longed to turn on my heel and see his face, but I was also slightly afraid of what I might find.

I jumped and a little, "Bwah?" escaped me when I felt a pair of lips drop a quick kiss on my exposed neck. I quickly threw him off and turned around, but his mask was already in place.

"I must go and check up on the other minions!" he said, as if that brief interaction had never occurred. "I shall be seeing you, Mister Snippy! Come home before the street lamps come on!" He turned away and skipped off, singing some song about it being the end of the world.

Bwah?