Unfortunately I do NOT own DBZ, nor any of the other Dragonball series. This is a story I wrote quite a while back, but I don't feel like revising it to fit my writing style now and it's still funny. One more thing, this is NOT meant to insult to gays or lesbians. I fully support homosexuals. This is meant to make fun of Frieza. Frieza is the only one I want to annoy. If you are a gay/lesbian and you are offended by the stereotypes in this story (though they are mild and pretty much only apply to Frieza), then I suggest you forget it and move on. If you are offended by this notice, don't read the story. Furthermore, don't waste your, or my precious time by flameing me because it will get you NOWHERE. I am not going to waste my time finding another way to insult Frieza in this oldie story when I have 15 other current stories I would much rather be working on.
Goku, Chichi, Bulma, and Vegeta made their way to the bookcase. In turn, each held their eye up to a book labeled 'Encyclopedia of Robotics'. A mechanical voice said,
"Identity confirmed. Enter when ready." The bookcase swung open, revealing a passage way. The four entered. It took about five minutes to reach the central room. They walked over to the video phone. Goku switched it on. Bardock appeared on the screen.
"Goku, Vegeta, and women...we have another case. This one looks bad."
"What's going on?" Chichi asked.
"We all know that Frieza can be defeated. He's just a play toy now. But he's stolen the world's nuclear technology. We believe that now he's planning to use his powers to enhance the technology. That would make him much more powerful. I need you four to go in and take back the plans. Frieza isn't that smart, so if he doesn't have the plans, he doesn't have anything." "Uhh...Dad...what's 'nuclear'?" Goku asked innocently ::all stare::
"IT'S A BIG WEAPON THAT DESTROYS EVERYTHING WITHIN MILES" Vegeta shouted at him.
"Oh. Sounds bad." Goku stated. ::more stares::
"Anyway," Bardock continued, "You'll leave in the morning. And you'll need new clothing. I would suggest black. You all may decide who's gonna do that." Vegeta smirked.
"I'll design it." Vegeta said. He had always wanted to try his hand at designing (A/N: Oo you never know what he would come up with for Bulma)
"NOOOO!!!!!" shouted Goku, "We'll all be wearing spandex!!!!"
"Vegeta, darling, maybe you should leave this to me and Chichi." Vegeta stuck his bottom lip forward. Bulma ignored him and grabbed a piece of paper and she and Chichi were huddled together muttering things like: 'Oh, yeah, that's cute' 'giggle our men will look sooo handsome in that!' Vegeta and Goku looked petrified. After five minutes the women stood back up, went over to the video phone and gave the paper to the built in fax machine and sent their drawing to Bardock. Bardock smirked.
"That's good ladies," Bardock commented, "Your new outfits should be there in the morning." "WHAT DID YOU DRAW WOMAN?" Vegeta yelled at Bulma.
"Oh, you'll see Veggie." She replied.
"I don't like it when you call me 'Veggie'. If you do that then you can get me to do anything you want."
"SHUT UP!" Bardock yelled. "There's one more piece of important information that I have to give you. We found this video of the last two agents we sent in there. Watch." static, fuzzy voice
"Can't get out...too many gay people...plans ruined...they're right behind me...can't get out...no Frieza, I'm not making a video tape! No, NOOOO...NOT THAT ROOM!!!! GOKU, IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS...TELL #18 I LOVE HER!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!"
"I told you it was bad." Bardock said.
"Yes, well, that's what you get for sending a mere human in." Vegeta stated.
"HEY! That human is my best friend!!!" Goku complained.
"Yes, that may be but Goku, you have to notice that he's ugly" Bulma chimed in.
"At least he eats normally." Chichi commented.
"WAS THAT AN INSULT?!" Goku shouted.
"Well, he does. Saiyans eat way too much. I don't know how you guys keep from getting fat." Chichi insulted.
"Them's fightin' words woman!" Vegeta retaliated.
"Oh, you don't want a piece of this!" Chichi yelled back. Vegeta put up his fists. Chichi pointed her index and middle finger at him. She attacked. "YEEOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!" Vegeta yelled, "THE NAILS WOMAN! CUT YOUR DAMN NAILS!!!!" Chichi looked back at Goku.
"You want some?" she asked. Goku just backed away.
"PEOPLE, PEOPLE!" Bardock finally had to yell, "Can we please get back to the issue at hand?" Everybody stopped.
"Yeah sure, we'll go on your damned, accursed mission." Bulma agreed.
"Good. And you'd better not let any secrets out about what you're doing, or who you are looking for. If Frieza knew I was still alive...shudders...he tried to take me in that room once. I had to fake my own death to get out of the horror. You may go. I need to be alone." ::In the background::
"You'd better not be crying about that little incident again Captain Bardock."
"I'm sorry King Vegeta, but you've never been there, you don't know how horrible it was!"
"I don't care! I'm going to have to punish you for this."
"No, wait King Vegeta! I'm sorry! I'll never cry again! No not the belt again!" transmission ends Vegeta, Bulma, Goku, and Chichi are left in confusion.
The next morning Chichi and Goku told Gohan and Goten that they were going to be gone for a few days. Chichi gave them some money for food and gasoline. Vegeta and Bulma told Trunks that he was to spend the next few days with Goten and Gohan. Trunks didn't ask questions. He was just glad to be spending the next few days with his best friend.
The unlikely four met at the Son home and proceeded to the secret room. The new uniforms were laid out on the bed. Bulma and Chichi pulled theirs on. Chichi and Bulma were now dressed in slightly flared black leather pants, a black cotton half shirt, and leather jackets. "Wait a moment...if you two are wearing something like that...what do Goku and I wear?" Vegeta asked.
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH WHAT WE'RE WEARING???" Bulma screeched. Vegeta dug his finger into his ear.
"Nothing...I like it...I'm just wondering what Goku and I are wearing." Bulma stuck up her nose. "You're wearing those." She said haughtily. She pointed to two black shapes. Goku and Vegeta pulled them on. They were wearing black cargo pants, 50% cotton, 50% spandex black shirts with black jackets (their muscles were pushing the clothing to the limits). Goku and Vegeta looked at each other.
"Awww, Chichi, do we hafta wear these?" Goku asked his wife.
"Yes, you do Goku." Chichi responded.
"You did this to us on purpose woman." Vegeta told Bulma.
"Yes, we did. But, you look so handsome and cute. We couldn't resist." Bulma answered. The door in the ceiling opened as a helicopter landed. Bardock jumped out.
"DADDY!" Goku squealed. Goku ran up and hugged his father. He was close to tears.
"I'm sorry Daddy, but, I can't remember the last time I saw you in person before!" Goku had his happy joyful kid face on...you know...the one he has on most of the time.
"That's alright Kakarott." Bardock answered. "But, we have a mission, remember?"
"Oh, right..."
"Alright everybody...in the helo!" Bardock called.
"Uh, dad?"
"Yes Kakarott?"
"Why don't we just use instant transmission?"
"Uh...'cause...I hafta give you guys new equipment. Ya know, stuff that you can use to get in with out blasting half the place away. Umm...Vegeta, Bulma, Chichi, I think you should handle the equipment." They nodded. Nobody trusted Goku with a laser. He was loyal, and worked well on missions, but everybody knows that Goku is kind of: DUUUUUUHHHHHH (A/N: I apologize to Goku fans).
"Besides," Bardock continued, "I need to use the time to get to know my lovely daughter-in-law a little better." Chichi blushed, and smiled. The group climbed into the helicopter. The ride took about 12 hours, with three mid-air re-fuelings. Nuclear readings were found in Phoenix, Arizona. The ride was filled with many, 'Chichi, I'm hungry' from Goku, Vegeta was complaining about how there was no complementary peanuts...he and Bulma got in a fight about that, the fight lasted the first six hours of the journey. Bardock and Chichi talked for a little while, mostly discussing Gohan and Goten. Bardock was thinking about making a journey to visit them in person. After all, Gohan and Goten didn't even know that they still had a grandfather, save Ox King. Vegeta also complained that the seats were too small and he was too cramped, which caused him to come close to blowing up the helicopter.
At last they were above the compound where Frieza was supposedly hiding. Each was given a harness. Bardock attached them to a rope, except for Vegeta, who wouldn't let anybody touch him, except Bulma. They were given orders to bungee out of the helicopter and enter the building through the vents. The building had movement detectors every where, the top in security.
"Why don't we just fly down?" Goku asked his father.
"Because...erm...jumping out is cooler." Bardock answered. They jumped and pulled their parachutes right before they hit the roof. It was actually a very neat site. Bulma and Chichi were so efficient. Goku and Vegeta just looked bored. They didn't see the thrill of it. Both of them could do that everyday...without the uncomfortable safety devices. Chichi cut through the bars off the vent with a laser. Vegeta looked down into it.
"Ladies first." He said.
"Oh, sure, NOW he decides to be polite." Bulma stated with sarcasm in her voice. Bulma led the way down. Chichi followed her, then Goku, and Vegeta last.
"Chichi, I'm STILL hungry!" Goku complained loudly.
"Goku, will you SHUT UP?" She hissed back.
"But, Chichi, there weren't any peanuts!" Goku complained even more loudly.
"GOKU! I don't care, this is supposed to be a secret mission, DON'T get us caught!" Chichi was working on cutting through the vent.
"AWW! Kakarott! Was that you!? Man, you gotta warn somebody before you shoot one off like that! I knew you shouldn't have eaten those beans!" Vegeta said with his shirt pulled over his nose.
"WOULD YOU TWO SHUT UP?!" Bulma and Chichi hissed together. Chichi had made it through the vent, and jumped down. Goku followed, Bulma, and then Vegeta. Apparently, Goku and Vegeta had been too loud, because the Ginyu Force was standing there. Vegeta smirked.
"Do we have to kill you guys again? Hey, what happened to your clothes? They're a lot tighter and shorter than last time. Did Frieza design them?" the Prince asked. The Ginyu Force looked very embarrassed. Chichi, Bulma and Goku just stared at Vegeta.
"Oh, you should talk Vegeta," Chichi started, "You wear SPANDEX YOU MORON!" Vegeta surprisingly ignored the insult, and just stuck his nose in the air and said,
"Well, spandex shows off my finer features." At this comment, Bulma giggled.
"And you look so cute!" she said with more giggles. Vegeta was about to retaliate when Goku cried,
"A LITTLE HELP HERE GUYS?" He had been attacking the Ginyu Force by himself. He wasn't doing a bad job either. But, the rest of the group came to help any way. Bulma and Chichi pulled out their weapons. Chichi grabbed her frying pan that had been conveniently placed in a capsule. Bulma pulled out what looked like an ordinary looking compact. Chichi and Bulma attacked to give Goku a bit of a break. Ginyu came running towards Chichi. Chichi held up her frying pan and hit him, well; actually, the he ran into it. But, in doing so, Chichi yelled, "THAT'S FOR TRYING TO KILL MY HUSBAND!" As Jeice ran toward Bulma, she opened her compact, and in doing so, blinded him.
"Ready Kakarott?" Vegeta shouted.
"You bet Vegeta, or should I call you 'Veggie'?"
"You will pay for that Kakarott." ::both power up::
"KA-ME-HA-ME-HAAAAAA!" Goku shouted.
"FINAL FLASH!" Vegeta bellowed. Both attacks were fired at the same time, disintegrating the Ginyu Force. Bulma and Chichi ran up to them.
"Hey guys! Hands in! We make a great team!" Goku said enthusiastically. Chichi and Bulma complied, but Vegeta was already halfway down the corridor muttering,
"Now, where are those plans?"
"Party Pooper!" Goku muttered. Vegeta heard him.
"Yeah, well at least my name doesn't sound like a carrot!"
"Yeah, it sounds like a vegetable. And I didn't name my kid after underpants!"
"BULMA NAMED HIM! I would've named him with a Saiyan name."
"Oh, 'Bulma named him'. What a sad excuse." Goku retorted.
"FINAL FLASH!" Vegeta yelled. "That's for calling me 'Veggie'." A slightly charred Goku stood in the middle of the corridor.
"Aw, that hurt my feelings Veggie!" Goku had to duck and run as a second energy blast came his way. Vegeta chased him down the corridor until Bulma and Chichi made them stop by saying they were making too much noise and that they could chase each other for hours when they got home. They didn't run into any more trouble, except for a few rats, of which Vegeta was terrified. He made Bulma blind them, he made Chichi pound them, and he made Kakarott blast them with the Kamehameha Wave. No more rats I guess...; They looked into rooms, cracks, lockers; file cabinets, but, no plans. They finally came to the conclusion that Frieza must have them with him. (A/N: gasp as if you couldn't see that one coming).
After a while, the group came to a large room with a giant canyon in the middle. Across it, Frieza was sitting in a giant metallic chair holding a cat (A/N: go figure) and receiving his daily pedicure (A/N: again, go figure...who knows why Frieza does anything?)
"Ahh, Goku, Vegeta, and women. I thought you might be coming. I'll bet that you're looking for this?" Frieza held a rolled up blue piece of paper.
"No, we're looking for some nuclear technology, not blue paper." everybody stares at Goku. "YOU POOR EXCUSE FOR A SAIYAN! THAT IS THE NUCLEAR TECHNOLOGY, YOU BAKA!" the Prince shouted at Goku.
"Yes, well, you'll never get it. We have taken your green man and midget monk captive. Besides, you have to cross the canyon." Frieza continued in his normal, girlish, gay voice. Goku pulled out what looked like a large hand gun. He pointed it at the ceiling and pulled the trigger. Now, a hook was...erm...hooked into the ceiling. Vegeta followed the suit.
"Come on Chichi," said Goku, "Let's kick some gay ass and, while we're at it, save the world." Chichi giggled and hooked her arms around Goku's neck. Goku swung across and landed safely on the other side.
"Shall we?" Vegeta asked.
"I thought you'd never ask." Bulma responded. Bulma put her arms around Vegeta's neck and Vegeta swung across.
"Your reign of terror ends here Frieza!" said Goku and Vegeta in unison. Scary. Anyway, back to the story.
"No, I have reinforcements." Frieza replied. The Ginyu Force walked out of somewhere labeled, "The ROOM" As the Ginyu Force closed the door, the agents could hear the shouts, and pleadings of Krillen and Piccolo.
"Hey, didn't we already kill you guys?" Vegeta asked them.
"Uh, wait, yeah, you did. Frieza, we'd better be getting paid extra for coming back to life."
"No, you're not, but, I can always put you in 'The ROOM'"
"Ooh, you're a sick, sick man Frieza, wait, I mean, woman, or is it she-man, or, man-she, or...WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU???!!!!"
"I am not allowed to reveal that information." said Frieza shortly.
"Well, can't you put some clothes on, or something?" Ginyu continued,
"I mean, really, no wonder the tapes say 'Brief Nudity'..."
UGH! SHUT UP YOU PUNY HUM-,uh THING!!!!!" Frieza shouted. Frieza blasts Ginyu "Well, I guess we should be thanking you Frieza." Chichi chimed in.
"Now we have one less to deal with!"
"AHHHHHHHH!!!" Frieza screamed. He shot a blast a Chichi, but Goku stepped in front of her and blocked it.
"Now, now, Frieza, you shouldn't scream that much," Vegeta retorted, "All that spit flying out of your mouth will mess up your lipstick." While Vegeta was saying this, Chichi snuck up behind Frieza and hit it with her frying pan.
"WHY YOU, WOMAN!" Frieza screeched. Chichi turned and glared at the Ginyu Force. What was left of their so called 'Force' backed off.
"Big Bang Attack!!" shouted a SSJ Vegeta. For the second time, the Ginyu force was disintegrated. (VEGETA ROX!! AND FOR THE SAKE OF NOT GETTING KILLED, SO DOES PICCOLO!!)
"Come on, you gay wad," Bulma started, "You know you can't beat us. Hand over the plans, and we'll kill you quickly."
"NO! NEVER! I still have the power of 'The ROOM'! And, I WILL use it. Besides, I have the key." It swung the key ring around its finger (a perfectly manicured finger).
"OH NO YOU DON'T!!!" Chichi yelled, "THIS IS FOR HURTING MY GOHAN! HIYAH!" Chichi had jumped into the air, and her foot came down right on Frieza's head. (A/N: from now on, Frieza will be referred to as it because I really have no idea what he is.) Bulma aimed a spinning kick at Frieza, and her foot landed right in the middle of its back. Chichi's knee hit it in its stomach, then, Bulma hit it in the...wait...can't do that... Bulma hit the back of its knees knocking Frieza to the floor. The final blow was delivered. Bulma and Chichi attacked from both sides. Their fists landed on either side of its head and their knees in its ribs. Frieza was out cold (A/N: Haha, cold...King Cold...I'm really tired right now...stupid muse...). Vegeta and Goku were standing in shock. blinkblink
"Uh...gah...erm...good job..." said both of the guys.
"Wow Chichi, Bulma, you guys should've come to Namek with me." Goku complimented.
"I did go to Namek." Bulma said sourly.
"Well, you should've fought."
"I would've if those jerks, Krillen and Gohan, had taken me with them!"
"Don't talk about my baby like that!" Chichi intervened.
"Your baby's getting married, he's grown up grandma." Bulma said coolly.
"twitchtwitch Why you...! You're four years older than me! You're the one who's old!"
"At least I don't look it!"
"Oh why you...!" ::cats hisses::
"Ooh, catfight!" said an interested Vegeta.
"Uh, guys, Frieza's standing up." Goku pointed out.
"Then finish him!" cried the women unison.
"Oh, right..." said Goku.
"FINAL FLASH!"
"KAMEHAMEHA!" Frieza's body was gone. Vegeta took the keys and unlocked 'The ROOM'. A tired looking Krillen and Piccolo crawled out. Piccolo's cape and pantsuit were torn, and so were Krillen's clothes.
"Oh, THANK YOU, THANK YOU CHICHI, GOKU, BULMA, AND VEGETA!" Krillen yelled.
"I LOVE YOU ALL!!! IT'S HORRIBLE IN THERE!!" Piccolo screeched, still on the floor. "UGH! No need to gravel Namek!" Vegeta shouted. At that moment, Bardock broke through the ceiling with the helicopter.
"Everything taken care of here?" he asked. Chichi grabbed the blue paper.
"Yup!" replied Vegeta, Bulma, Goku, and Chichi together. Bulma and Chichi climbed up first, while Vegeta and Goku helped Piccolo and Krillen in. Soon everybody was in and taking off. in the distance.
Piccolo: WHAT!!!! NO PEANUTS!!!!?????
Join in the next adventure, when Bardock visits his grandsons for the very first time! This should be coming sometime in the near future, give or take a few years...