Harry Potter and the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk
By JK Rowling
Ghostwritten by: Sheroes Central
Transcribed by: Nnyl the Great
A/N (guest): Heya Folks! Welcome to the sequel to Harry Potter and the Toenail of Icklibogg. This is one of the co-authors of this fic, silverstar. Usual insanity, as insanity is mandatory on Sheroes. We completely understand if no one understands this fic. We have trouble understanding it ourselves, sometimes. As usual, we thank all the writers for making this possible, especially our sexcellent transcriber, Nnyl the Great.
A/N: Actually, insanity isn't mandatory on sheroes, though only for 0.000000000000001% of the members. And I happen to be part of that 0.000000000000001%. And 'sexcellent' is a little crazy joke the crazy SC people indulge in.
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine, thank goodness. The (so-called) plot, The mystic kettle, the golden teacup, the toenail, the golden testicle and the characters' personalities belong to Sheroes and the other familiar characters belong to JK Rowling. (Silvie: The plot is non-existent)
Chapter 1: The Giant
Hagrid taking some of the illegal brain-enhancing drug, broke into the Ministry of Magic and looked behind the veil and screamed until his throat cracked. Meanwhile, back on Privet Dr., Harry awoke with a pain in his scar.
Chapter 2: THE KETTLE appears
"Stupid old scar.." he muttered, but then realized that it hurt because he had been sleeping face down on an odd looking kettle.
Chapter 3: Harry dies.
Then he remembered that he was dead, after being sat on by Hagrid.
Chapter 4: Guess not.
But this was the sequel! A new day had dawned!
Harry wasn't really dead. Unfortunately. He had been dreaming the sleep of the dead. In this dead sleep, he had been having a very strange dream that involved Malfoy, a pair of tongs, Sirius's motorbike, a pink thong and a pole.
Harry sighed and wished he could remain sleeping. Too bad!
Chapter 5: Harry dreams again.
So Harry got on the train to Hogwarts, and when he dozed off in his seat, he was mysteriously back in the same dream with Draco. Suddenly everything around him disappeared, and was replaced by many, many Snapes and Malfoys (all of them) stripping in the Potions classroom.
Here, Harry discovers why Draco was getting such good grades, but his attention is quickly grabbed by Luna Lovegood, who sat on his lap wearing a leather suit that looked remarkably like Catwoman's.
Harry was about to search for her whip, when, all of a sudden …
Chapter 6:THE KETTLE appears again!
She clocked him with the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk.
"How did you get that," asked Harry, as he rubbed his head in pain.
"I stole it from Hermione," gloated Luna.
Chapter 7: Catwoman (Luna) vs. Charlie's Angel (Hermione)
"Give it back," screeched Hermoine as she held the revolver to Luna's head. "Or I'll blast your brains out!"
Luna immediatly puts the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk over her head. "Do your worst. MWHAHAHAHAHAHA. Ow. That was loud."
She was refering to the large thing that had just broken down the door. It was Hagrid, only he wasn't exactly alive...
Chapter 8: The latest fad--Snapeburgers
Snape had turned him into a vampire. "You know what this means," said Harry. "He's been eating Snapeburgers again."
"At Snapeykins?" Cho Chang, who had mysteriously appeared, said breathlessly. "I love that place!"
"Who doesn't?" Harry murmured dreamily.
Chapter 9:Hermione and SPEW
"I don't," Hermione said sharply, brandishing a SPEW badge. "House elves make the Snapeburgers."
Luna then proceeded to do what everyone in the entire world wanted to whenever Hermione brought up the subject of SPEW.
She kissed Hermione.
Chapter 10: Odd things start happening.
Hermione punched Luna. "I don't swing that way," she said menacingly. "Bitch."
However, since Luna had the Kettle over her head, she did not feel Hermione's punch, and so proceeded trying to kiss Hermione. This was difficult, however, because she had the Kettle over her head, as was previously mentioned.
Then suddenly, house elves burst into the room, and Snape and Cho started stripping together, Draco wanting to be the pole.
Chapter 11: Harry Potter clones.
Lupin walked in carrying a box of replacement Harry's.
"Just in case," he said defensively. All the Harrys jumped out of the box and began to strip.
Suddenly, Dean appeared out of nowhere and began to sing.
"Wow," Harry thought dimly, "This is exactly like in HARRY POTTER AND THE TOENAIL OF ICKLIBOGG. And he promptly began to strip
Hermione was frantically brandishing her SPEW pamphlets, trying to get the house elves to win freedom for themselves. Only this one was different, because, right at that moment, something serious happened for once!
Chapter 12: Harry dies again!!!
Harry had a heart attack at the sight of Malfoy's naked body, and died!!!!
(A/N: Sheroes peeps, that is not serious at all.)
Chapter 13: Disappointment…
But, since Harry was the whole entire point of this story, he wasn't really dead, just in a coma. Millions of hopeful teenagers worldwide promptly died of disgust, boosting the percentage of Potter lovers worldwide. But Malfoy thought he had killed his beloved Harry, so he started crying pitifully.
Chapter 14: The KETTLE makes friends.
In the midst of his pitiful fit of tears, there came a certain golden item- this time NOT a magical reproductive organ but a tea cup encased in gold! To accompany the Kettle itself. The teacup had a slight chip on its rim, suggesting that a Beauty and the Beast parody was going on somewhere in sight.
Chapter 15: In which JKR meets HP
"That's ridiculous! Why would Harry Potter books need silly parodies to sell!" Proclaimed J.K Rowling, who was suddenly in the midst of all that was going on, dancing with the beast.
"To add a degree of maturity!" Gasped Harry, before swooning back into his faint. Malfoy, then decided he best take advantage of the situation, at which time he proposed to JKR and was promptly swallowed by the beast.
"No-one fights like Gaston," sang Draco.
Gaston appeared and punched Harry. Harry blushed.
Chapter 16: Harry DIES!!! Joy!
And promptly died. The world became a better place.
Chapter 17: Sadly, he was brought back…
But, unfortunately, he couldn't die because he was the HERO. But upon his death and somewhat barren funeral, Draco Malfoy became the new hero of our story.
(A/N: This is the part where Sheroes people start coming in since they decided the story would be boring without them. So if you see the names Sivvus, Elly, Secret Agent Monkey (SAM), Espionage Cactus (EC) and Laura, don't be puzzled.)
Chapter 18: Meanwhile, back at SC…
In a dark little bin somewhere, Sivvus screamed with glee.
Chapter 19: Back to the story…
As riots broke out across multiple countries in angst and pain that Harry hadn't died sooner, Our new hero contemplated things that new heroes contemplate, such as the great art of whining, and how to acquire trademark bodily scars and how to make it so that he, too, becomes Dumbledore's favourite little prat, ensuring his house would win the cup every year due to miraculous amounts of sudden points given to him.
Chapter 20: In which the Hogwarts point system is abused.
"Oooh!" said the ghost of Harry. "I'm a ghost! You better run!" No one did.
Draco sneered and was awarded 50 points for "standing strong in the face of annoyingism". He was then awarded another 50 for sneering and 200 for being in a story with no actual plotline. With these new points, Slytherin moved ahead, not to mention that Harry's house, now renamed shameful losers, lost all their remaining points. Every one of them.
Then Ron, who had just figured out that as a prefect, he could take points, took all of Malfoy's points away. So Malfoy took all his away. Malfoy was then awarded double his lost points because he "stood brave as other students abused their privileges as prefects."
Ron was then tied up in the dungeon for Filch's enjoyment.
Malfoy was awarded 10 points for "superb blinking".
Filch enjoyed his time with Ron very much. And lived happily ever after.
Chapter 21: The new hero of the story.
After all this point receiving, Malfoy was famished, so he went to the Great Hall, renamed Malfoy's Den of Sexcellence, to eat. However, upon his arrival, he noticed his den's remarkable resemblance to a brothel.
Chapter 22: Odd sightings.
In a corner, Hermione sat on Snape's lap while he fed her.
Chapter 23: In which Elly budges in/Harry reappears then dies then comes back
Unnoticed by all of this, Harry suddenly woke up.
"Why the hell am I awake when I'm dead?" he wondered, but then he shrugged, deciding it was of no relevance to the plot.
Suddenly, Draco appeared at his shoulder wearing a top hat, and said, "Sexcellent!" Draco was actually Elly in disguise. Elly began to do a dance upon Harry's shoulder while Humming Blue Moon, when suddenly Ron escaped Filch from the dungeon, and landed in Harry's scene. He was inexplicably wearing a pink bikini, and when Harry saw this, he immediately felt overtaken with emotions that are inappropriate for one to feel about their best friend.
Enraged that he wasn't receiving attention, Malfoy manifested out of thin air, landing next to his previous self, now Elly, and said. "Hey! Where's the cream filling?!"
Malfoy bitch-slapped Elly. Then licked him. Relishing in the lick, minus actual relish, Elly reciprocated.
Then Ron cried, "Hey! Why's no one paying attention to ME??" and gave Harry a smouldering look. Harry then died again, due to the fact that he had been smoldered.
Chapter 24: More members of SC budge in/the GT makes a reappearance
Meanwhile, Secret Agent Monkey (SAM) and Espionage Cactus (EC) skulked through the great hall towards Harry. Their mission: top secret, as always. As Secret Agent Monkey slid around a column, however, she ran straight into the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk!
"I know what you're up to!" Shouted the kettle.
Darting eyes shiftily, EC and SAM promptly set the kettle on fire with a smouldering look of their own, which merely made it boil and screech.
The sound alerted Malfoy, who shouted, "The Golden Testicle! They are out to steal my precious!!" Fortunately- or unfortunately- the Golden Testicle has already run away, protesting the fact that the whole story is in PAST TENSE when everyone knows PRESENT TENSE is the BOMB. So SAM and EC go and knock Malfoy out. They claim it was an accident, of course, but we all know better.
Having all of us knowing better gets to be a hindrance to their schemes, so EC and SAM made sure that us Sheroes wouldn't tell the characters in the story by threatening us with the use of the horrible mind-cleaning mouth-washing TESTICLE-reducing spell! This spell doubles as a swiffer wet jet.
Chapter 25: The swiffer.
At the mention of a swiffer, one flew through the window and landed near Harry. Oh, yeah, Lupin had been on it but he fell off going through the window, as his testicle wouldn't fit through.
So the swiffer jet just sort of hovered there, trying to look useful. It knew that if it didn't, it would be smouldered with another one of the many smoldering looks that were abound. Or that Gred and Forge would steal it to experiment with. It knew about them because it was often employed to clean up their messes, especially after their parties with Hermione. Those always got real dirty.
Chapter 26: The Weasley Twins
Reverting back to Gred and Forge, our plot now saw them sneaking into Filch's office, swiffer in hand, to erase Filch's file of all their misdeeds. Also, Mrs. Norris could use a good BLEEEEEEEEP. And she enjoyed it too.
Chapter 27: The mystery.
Meanwhile, the scene turns mysterious as we turn to the mysterious Harry Potter, who has mysteriously ended up with the mysterious Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk on his head and a mysterious and infamous Golden Testicle in his mysterious hand. The mystery was why Harry was singing Avril Lavigne's Sk8ter Boi while wearing the Mystic Kettle of Nackledirk and holding the infamous Golden Testicle.
Chapter 28: Snuffles returns.
"Hey!" said the suddenly-appearing ghost of Sirius Black, "That Golden Testicle is INFAMOUS! Just like ME!"
Suddenly, the Golden Testicle flew towards Sirius in a jealous rage, and the explosion that followed resulted in Sirius being blown into Sheroes Central, where all the members promptly fled for their lives. Then realized who it was and flocked back with intent to snog. Only to realize while they were fleeing, Sirius felt unappreciated and went back to his world, where he could watch videos of slashwars concerning himself and Remus and laugh maniacally at the people who will never know.
But where he instead cleans up the explosion only to find a donut. And half of Sheroes central, wearing only lingerie. Eating the donut, and ogling at Sheroes, Sirius died from exhaustion.
Chapter 29: Neville.
But suddenly Neville ran into The Great Hall screaming: "They've got it! They've got it! They've taken my..."
Chapter 30:The Five Stages of Loss
It seemed he had died again, again. Such a tragedy made Harry tumble slowly into a state of maturity, something unheard of in even the HP fanfics which everyone knows are only good for making random characters make out, and more, with each other.
Chapter 31: Neville, again/The many flavors of Jam/Luna and her attitude
Meanwhile, Neville was stomping around huffily from being ignored. "EXCUSE ME!" he shouted. "THEY TOOK MY VIRGINITY!!"
"Who took your virginity!?" Screamed Luna, marching into the room with her hair frazzled and her clothes partially off.
"I did wonder that myself." confided the boy, "One moment it was there, the next moment I had no pants on, and was lying alone on my bed with jam all over the place."
Luna paused for a moment, quivering. "What flavour jam?" She whispered in a strangled voice.
"Well, there was strawberry on my leg, blueberry on my chest, grape in my hair, and my mouth tasted of googleberries. Why?"
Luna ignored him. "What's a strawberry? A blueberry? A grape? I've heard of googleberries, at least! If you're going to lie to me at least make it SOUND convincing!"
"I...I..." Spluttered Neville in a desperate tone.
"You don't care! You never care!" said Luna, cutting Neville of and finishing his thoughts. She then smacked Neville upside the head, jarring loose something from his ear. As Luna bent to pick it up she marveled, "My goodness, it's a miniature bottle of Heinz ketchup!" Concealed within it was a small otter. It was the cutest thing Luna had ever seen.
Somehow knowing it was the cutest thing Luna had ever seen, Neville began to look indignant.
"I'm looking indignant!" proclaimed Neville. He felt he was the most adorable thing anybody had ever seen. When he voiced this unexpected opinion, Luna smacked him upside the head again and said, "Fool, don't make me bitch slap the stupid out of you."
Chapter 32: Hermione enters the scene/More about the TAO/SC budges in AGAIN
Hermione pouted, because she had finally decided to accept Luna's attentions but Luna was so engrossed in the tiny adorable otter that she could spare no attention for Hermione. Especially when the tiny adorable otter (or TAO) began to speak. It said "Why? Why am I stuck in this INSANITY?!?!" Then the TAO stumbled and fell into the fiery red pit, unfortunately also pressing Laura's buttons. And not the ones on her button machine, either.
Chapter 33: Laura and her spielness
Laura (aka ME) pops in saying, "NO! You were supposed to say the RED buttons! DUH!" and subsequently wanders off muttering something about the crazy F'nor!!!-er.
And the crazy F'nor!!!-er reminded Laura that SHE did the spiel before LAURA did. She also pointed out that if this story is posted on FF.N- which it won't be if it's never finished- nobody will understand most of it.
Laura retorts with the fact that no one understands any part of it anyway and that whatever semblance of a plot was there before, there hasn't been one for at LEAST a hundred posts.
Then, the F'nor!!!er suggests gently, why don't we return to the plot? The golden testicle is pleased by the fact that we have reverted once again to present tense.
So Laura relented, leaving the premises for the night, and the Testicle went and reunited with his lover, Dolores Umbridge.
Chapter34: The Golden Testicle comes back, AGAIN.
Dolores was not happy to see the Testicle, because she was currently engaged with Fred and George Weasley in pleasurable activities. The testicle hence decided it should try to end the story soon, and...
Chapter 35: Harry tries to get attention/many other things happening at once
Jumped in surprise, as Harry decided he could not let this happen and decided to come back into the story again to prevent this. This caused Draco to send Harry a smouldering look for sexual effect, while Ron gave Hermione a lap dance and the Testicle screamed at Harry that it was never going to do him again if he didn't end the story right now.
THE END!!
Epilogue:
The Golden Testicle would like to add, as an epilogue, that if anyone so much as THINKS another post for this gem of a story, it will dive down their nostrils in a manner reminiscent of Gold-streak during the Battle of Legann, simultaneously suffocating them and developing a Tammy parody.
Laura decides to ignore this warning and posts anyways - and immediately puts up a force field with her magical button machine so that the Testicle can NOT dive down her nostrils (Eww).
The Testicle wonders how anyone can decide anything. It also notes that there is a crack in the force field over a very different hole in the body, and said hole will do nicely, thanks.
So Laura can't spell, big deal... And my force fields don't HAVE cracks.
The Testicle grows weary of such petty arguments, and dives down the nearest available dark hole.
THE PAAAAAAAIIIIN!!!!!!!!!!!! dies
revives to type THE END
THE END
dies