Once upon a time, there was light in my life.
.
.
My name is Nagisa Shiota. I've been dealing with depression for over ten years. My life isn't that bad. I mean my mother hate the fuck out of me, my dad left me with her even if she was a psycho. I have to kill my teacher and I'm in E-class. God I'm not making any senses right now.. But it's not all bad. I have an amazing boyfriend who care so much about me.. He care so much that he will let me go. I'm alone in the dark of my room waiting for him to rescue me. But I know he won't come. I know he is with somebody hanging out like his life didn't matter. Like nobody was waiting for him. I put my right hand on my window. I wonder if he know. No he couldn't. I wonder if my mom is going to care. I'm sure she won't. She hate me. I make her life a living hell. I'm a shame for her. Ah where are you? When you should be taking my hand and kiss away my tears? Maybe you didn't saw my wrist? After all eah time we make love, the sun is already down. No light are allowed. You don't touch me more than you need. Actually we never really make love. You fuck me. It's never sweet. You are not sweet. It's violent and it left me bruises each time. But I will kill to hear this word again. Each time we fuck, you whispered my name. After you light a cigarette like you are an adult now. And you give it to me. You know how bad my addiction is. You pull out a a whiskey and drink at the bottle then you give it to me. Even if I said it taste disgusting, the taste of your lips on the bottle always got me. Hold me. Warm me up. I'm cold here without you Karma. I hear my name being yell downstair. I have to go or else it will be worse. But I still hope you will come. But you won't. My mom is coming upstair now. She is yelling at the door. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shup up. Shut up.
"-SHUT UP!"
I yell. I yell at my mom. I can hear her trying to break down the lock. No luck. You won't be able to open a door blocked by a closet Mom. No matter how hard you try. I take a deep breath and open my window. I don't want to die here. Loving you was my way of killing myself. You don't love like I need love. You just need to fuck once in a while. To have someone you can break in your hand. I will break down Karma. I am breaking down. I jump from my window. It hurt. I think I hurt my leg pretty bad. Fuck it I can still run. So I run. I remember this tree you jumped off to kill our teacher. Do you remember it Karma? I want to go there. It's high up. But it's not where I want to end it. So I decide against it and ran toward your house. I am scare. Surprisingly you are here. Your cheek are red from the cold. It's snowing. You open your harm for me and I jump in it. You held me for the rest of the night.
Once the morning came, you are here. We walk to the school together. For once I don't care if we are late.
"-Let's just walk okay? I don't feel like going to school anyways."
"-Like you want Nagisa. But can you really walk after last night?"
Oh. That right. I drank too much and we fucked once again. I remember tasting my blood as I bite down my wrist to chock myself. He was.. Sweet for once. I don't know why I asked him to be nice. I needed it. It was nice.
"-Karma?"
"-Yeah?"
"-I want to live."
"-It's good because you will Nagisa."
I smile. Of course I will live. With him. Karma you have no idea the power you have on me.
"-Karma."
"-Yeah again Nagisa?"
"-Forever's gonna tonight."
"-su... Sure? What the fuck do you mean by that?"
"-Nothing."
I run in the snow, attacking him with snowball. It's childish. When we are finally inside our class, everyone look at us and we just giggle. I talk with everyone. I apologise too.
"-Sorry Karma, I will return home alone tonight."
"-Hum? Weird but okay. I'll pick you up tomorrow."
"-Yes please. I love you."
"-Yeah I know."
I spend the day talking with everyone. I asked them to come see me in two week. Before walking home, I look at them with my most sincere smile.
"-Goodbye."
And I left. My mom is waiting for me at the door. But she try to grab me I hug her. I thanks her. She is my mom after all. She say she need to go away to work for two week and I nod.
"-Be careful mom."
"-See you later."
"-Goodbye."
I lock all the doors, close every windows and every stores. I pull the table to block the main door and other thing to block the rest. I look at the time and smile. I walk upstairs, take my razor blade, pills and alcohol. Deadly stuff. First I take all the pills with a big slip of whisky. I finish the bottle with the pills. Then I take my razor blade with shaking hand. I cut my wrist, my upper leg and almost everywhere I could reach. My finger are shaking. My head is spinning. I laugh bitterly.
"-Goodbye."
Two day after, they found the body. Karma called the cops because Nagisa wasn't answering his phone call or when he tried to open the door. He cried when he held Nagisa in his harms. Dead. He was dead. Karma understood everything now.
"Karma I want to live." I want to die.
"Forever's gonna start tonight." I will end it tonight.
"I will return home alone." I don't want you to see this.
"I love you." Say you love me.
"Goodbye." Goobye.
Nagisa never said goodbye. It was always, "see you tomorrow." or "see you soon." Karma cried. He screamed too. He didn't let them take him away. He already fucked up once. He didn't want to fuck up twice.
"-I'm sorry Nagisa! I'm so sorry I love you! We should have run away together! We should have.. I should have save you! I should have save you! I'm sorry I wasn't here! I'm so sorry Nagisa! I love you! I love you!"
He screamed and screamed holding the dead body of his boyfriend. Cold. Nagisa was always cold. But now he was.. even more cold. Normally Karma could have warm up his body. But not this time. This time Nagisa's body remain cold. He smiled as he saw the gun Nagisa had hide. It was too messy for him to use that. But for Karma it was perfect. Knowing it was already charged up he put it against his head.
"-I'm always here Nagisa. For me forever's gonna start now."
And he pulled the trigger.
So this is a quick OS I wrote because I was depressed. Thank everyone for reading this.
~Snow