It's dark when I eventually join the Gathering - Most of the Keepers have been in there for a while now. I was supposed to be in there a while ago too but truth be told, I'd been putting it off. If Alby asked, I was just going to blame Paul or something but he didn't, just motioned for me to take a seat instead. He'd wanted me to be part of this discussion so he's probably just glad that I actually turned up. Gotta hand it to him, he always manages to make my opinion feel valued. Minho and a few other Keepers shoot me welcoming grins before going back to their debate in hushed voices.
Looking 'round the room, I find it hard to believe I've been in this place for nine whole months. Doesn't feel that long, but at the same time, like I've lived here my entire life. Of course, that might have something to do with the fact I can't remember ever being anywhere else. That's probably it.
It's not like this is the worst place in the world, right? Although I guess I'm not the best person to answer that at the moment. That's how I felt before though, so I'll stick to that for now. All things considered, and recent traumatic experiences aside, this place isn't so bad.
I can't help but feel a little bitter about the whole thing though. Maybe angry is a better word for it. Cheated. Scared could work too. The whole thing really left me at a loss of what to do with myself. But then, no one else has ever been chased down by a shuck Griever and nearly gotten themselves locked inside the Maze before (and survived) so there isn't exactly a precedent for this sorta thing. I'm one of the lucky ones, I know that; even if I don't feel so lucky. A lot of shanks faster than I am have gotten stuck behind those walls, so the fact that I'm still here means a lot.
At least no one objected when I made the decision not to be a Runner anymore. Surprisingly, or maybe not so surprisingly, I think they were relieved. A part of me thinks that they would have stopped me themselves if I hadn't come to that conclusion on my own. Even the mere thought of going into the Maze fills me with dread now. I just can't face it.
It sucks though. I can't help but feel like I'm letting everyone down by not going back in there. Minho keeps telling me that I'm not and how much I help everyone just by being here but - I don't know. All I know is that I've got this itching desire to run again now that my leg is better and I feel restless all the time, completely out of sorts with the lack of routine and structure. But I can't go into the Maze anymore, so I suppose there's no point in thinking about it.
It's stupid - I keep running through section 6 in my head, out of habit I suppose, knowing I'd be there if it weren't for all this mess. I know exactly where the other Runners are when they stop for lunch, how many left turns they'd have taken to get there, how many crossroads they'd have passed. I guess it's just going to take some time. That's what Jamal keeps saying anyway.
Watching the Keepers debate around the room as though I'm not even there makes me feel equal parts touched and annoyed. Lately, the boys have been so overbearing I've wanted to thump every one of them. They're only just beginning to stop their treatment of me as a ticking time bomb though, so I've decided to call it progress. I have to keep reminding myself it's because they care about me. Any luck, once I have a proper job again, things will get better.
"She can't be a Med-Jack, Fry, have you forgotten about what happened on her trial?"
"So what? Who hasn't set fire to something at one point or another?"
I roll my eyes in good humor, smirking at Frypan. When were they going to let that one go? Honestly, it could have happened to anyone.
"Look, there's no point in arguing, Clint, she can't 'cause of the blood anyway."
"Oh, yeah. That's a no for the Slicers then too."
"What if she just looks after the animals and doesn't do the slicing bit?"
Winston sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. "She can't have her cake and eat it - we've been over this. She can't do half a job. She won't want to do half a job anyway - y'know how she is."
"What about being a Cook, then?"
A collective hush washes over the room. "That could work."
"Aliza?" I'm caught off guard when Gally addresses me, diverting everyone's attention my way. It's just luck I was paying attention to this bit.
It takes a moment of staring with my mouth hanging open like a slinthead before I really catch up. Scratching at the back on my neck, I manage to make my point. "I can do it, yeah. It's just a bit - no offence Fry - I just - well, standing 'round all day peeling veggies? I don't know if I can stay still for long enough. Pretty sure I'd be jacked up within a month."
Humming thoughtfully, Newt nods along with my words, brow furrowed in concentration.
Frypan snorts a little, flashing his teeth in my direction. "Don't worry about it, shank. You were rubbish at it anyway."
Chuckling at that, I grin a little at my feet before shrugging. "I don't know, guys. Can't I just pick up the slack here and there? Maybe I don't have to pick just one job."
I catch Alby rolling his eyes. Most of the Keepers groan in frustration like they've been over this already. Which, to be fair, they have. I'm just stubborn. Gally shakes his head at me, eyebrows raised, while Minho shakes with silent mirth, concentrating on the hole on the floor.
Zart speaks up in the end seeing as no one else seems to be volunteering anything constructive. "There's an order for a reason, Liza."
His tone is gentle enough and I know he's right, really, but I'm just so frustrated. If there was a way I could just run without having to go into the Maze, then I'd be sorted. That isn't even remotely possible though, seeing as that's the whole point of running. Obviously. A collection of nods and murmurs of agreement echo 'round the room, and I can tell that's that.
Sighing in defeat, I stand up from the stool. I really don't see how I can help them decide- I have no idea what I should do. At least they're not making me do the trials again. "Right-o. Well, how about you all carry on talking it out and let me know? Whatever job you want me to do I'll do it, just so long as I'm doing something." I shrug and while the grin I shoot them doesn't quite reach my eyes, I'm more interested in being outside.
Ducking 'round the door quickly, I already feel a bit better. Being indoors for any length of time really has been getting to me lately. That might have something to do with the Maze of course. It also might have something to do with the amount of time Clint has kept me in the Medjacks hut since then, too. He went a little overboard in my opinion but I'm also not the best patient.
Scanning 'round the clearing, I figure most of the Gladers are in Homestead. I spot the new boy sitting outside on the crates with Ben and Dave. He's our resident Greenie - at least for a few more weeks anyway. He seems nice enough from what I've heard, but I'm not really supposed to talk to him for the first few weeks. Alby's idea. I've never really given it much thought, 'cause being a Runner doesn't give you a lot of free time, but I suppose it makes sense. Being the only girl does make me stick out and we've got to make sure he's not completely whacked or something. Better safe than sorry, I guess.
That's one good thing about being in the Glade more often- I've gotten to know the shanks that live here better. I find it kinda fascinating how there's so many different personalities stuck in one place and yet it just sorta works, y'know? Obviously it's not always smooth sailing, but for the most part it's alright.
I decide to head down to the bonfire in the end, seeing as it's deserted. The fire is almost out so I stick some more firewood in and fan it 'till it catches on and the heat comes through a little stronger. Plonking myself down on the floor, I lean against one of the big logs. I'm forever getting caught up in the sky, especially at night; dotted with stars that never seem to move and no moon in sight. It makes me wonder where on earth we could be.
I wonder about a lot of things in this place actually. We all do, I know that, but no one ever has any answers. We can only hope to get them one day.
Who am I? Do the stars look the same outside of these walls? What are we here for? Why am I the only girl here? What is WICKED? I wonder what happened to my parents? Why haven't we been sent a goat? Do I have parents? Who am I? I wonder if Sam didn't come back 'cause he'd found the way out. What does cheese taste like?
I lose track of time sitting there, watching the flames dance in front of my eyes. My head gets heavier and heavier and I'm finding it hard to stay awake. In my defense, I haven't been sleeping much lately.
Next thing I know I'm being shaken gently by someone calling my name. I bolt upright and collide heads with someone, recoiling backwards.
I clutch my head. Squinting in the dim light, I catch sight of a boy mirroring me. "Whoa, sorry."
"Sorry 'bout that, love. Didn't mean to scare you." Newt grins sheepishly, taking a seat above me on the log. I chuckle looking up at him and wave him off so he knows it's not a big deal.
Yawning, I look around to see the rest of the Keepers trudging off in the direction of their usual sleeping places. "Decided my fate?" I inquire, trying to keep the bitterness in my voice toned down. Its not like it's his fault I can't run, or the other Keepers for that matter.
"Sure have. You're with me and the Track-Hoes." Track-Hoes. I mull the thought over in my mind a little. That doesn't sound so bad. I wasn't awful at it back when I was a Greenie either. It's physically challenging too - I hope it's enough. He doesn't say anything else for a little while and it's nice to just sit. I'm too tired to think of much to say anyway.
"Good that."
Newt nods slowly, hauling himself upright. "You should probably get some proper sleep though Liza, you'll need it for tomorrow. Trust me." He adds, holding his hand out to pull me to my feet. I figure he knows what he's talking about seeing as more often than not he's working in the field himself.
He makes a point of walking me to my little patch of grass. Something I'm rather grateful for. I've lost count of how many times I've been offered a room in Homestead but I just can't do it. It's easier to relax out in the open. I'd tried it at first but in the end I asked Gally if he could make me a hammock and claimed a little area as my own.
"I'll see you tomorrow love."
"Yeah, night, Newt."
"Goodnight."
Even though it still takes me a while to fall asleep, I feel a little lighter. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.