A/N: Plot bunny. I don't think it's very good, but once the plot bunny strikes...
...that rabbit is one annoying bastard. Takes place before the betrayal.
I don't own bleach
Ichimaru Gin was creepy.
Scary, terrifying, offputing, untrustworthy, demonic. Yup, that was Ichimaru Gin. It was universally acknowledged. Everyone who ever laid eyes on the guy agreed. It was the way of the world.
He was creepy.
But then again...
"Ichimaru-Taicho, there's a festival in Rukongai on Friday. Maybe I'll see you there?"
"Maybe ya will, Koto-chan."
"Ichimaru Taicho! Can I get you anything?"
"Nah, I'm good. Thanks, Sachi-kun."
"Ichimaru Taicho, you're due for your physical."
"...My physical was 2 months ago."
"Oh, well... if you get it now, you won't have to get one next year."
"..."
Despite being super creepy, Ichimaru Gin attracted women like moths to a flame.
I mean, Kuchiki Taicho they could get. Hisagi fukutaicho, sure. Hell, they could even understand Aizen Taicho! I mean, he was a total dork, but he had the bunny cuteness that drew in women. But they could not get why Ichimaru Gin, the creepiest man in the entire Seretei (except Kurosutchi, but he didn't count since he wasn't naturally creepy), could attract so many women without effort.
It was mind boggling.
But the men of the Seretei forgot two key things about women of the Seretei.
1. They have a unhealthy obsession for dangerous bad boys.
2. They all want what they can't have.
Plus, Gin had natural raw sexual magnetism. Something that couldn't be helped.
And something he, and every other male in the Gotei 13, was completely unaware of.
Nope, they could only stare in total confusion as the women sighed wistfully as he walked by, giggled when he spoke to them, and blushed in his presence. They just didn't get it. It was as boggling as the female mind itself. What did he have that they didn't?
Hisagi, Renji, Iba, and Ikkaku were all wondering this one night at the bar. "I just don't get it!" Hisagi exploded in total frustration after several minutes of pondering. Renji sighed. "I know! I mean, how does he do it? With his charm, Rukia-" He stopped suddenly and they all looked at him strangely. "Not that I- Uh, well, the thing is...Ah, screw it. I like Rukia." Renji grumbled in defeat. Iba patted him on the shoulder. "At least you finally admitted it." Renji stared. "What do you mean by finally?" Iba shifted uncomfortably. "So, Ichimaru Taicho! What's with that guy?" Renji dropped his head into his hand.
"Hello!" Yumichika waved at them cheerily, entering the bar, fashionably late, of course, with Kira following bashfully behind. "What's up?"
"We're trying to figure out why Ichimaru attracts so many women." Ikkaku explained. Yumichika and Kira blinked at each other. "But...that's so obvious." Kira said, totally confused at their confusion. They all gaped at him. "...How?" Hisagi managed to ask. Yumichika sighed. "Well, boys, there's the first reason." He explained patiently. "Which is...?" Iba asked curiously and they all edged forward. Yumichika smiled brightly. "He's sexy." He said simply and they all sagged in their seats.
"...Huh?" Renji said. Yumichika sighed exasperated. "Look at him." They all looked at him, since Gin also happened to be at the bar. He was sitting in a booth at the opposite end of the bar, but nevertheless he was there.
And every girl in the bar was staring at him, sighing.
"He's tall-"
"Girls like tall men." Kira added wisely, drawing their attention. "It a requirement for their dreams of 'tall, dark and handsome'." They all gaped at Kira, then turned to gape at Yumichika some more.
"-and mysterious. Girls love mysterious." Yumichika continued thoughtfully. "He has a nice body, of course-"
"Muscular, but still lean." Kira chimed in, ordering a drink.
"-gorgeous hair-"
"Girls seem to like guys with nice hair." Kira mumbled, taking a sip of his newly acquired sake. Yumichika nodded. "-and his smile and eyes make him a package deal." He finished. They all stared in utter bafflement. Kira hastily explained. "His smile and eyes constantly hide what he's thinking. It makes him an enigma, a closed book that they all want to read. Plus, it also makes him look untrustworthy."
"A bad boy." Yumichika put in and Kira nodded. "Girls want bad boys. They like the thrill they bring, plus the whole 'taming him' challenge. Plus there's his hands." Yumichika nodded in comprehension. "Ah, yes. His hands." The baffled males blinked. "What about his hands?" Iba asked weakly, beginning to wonder if Kira was gay. Yumichika was Yumichika, but Kira...
Kira sighed and turned bright red, and not from the booze, I might add. He mumbled something unintelligibly. Renji cocked his head. "What?" Kira cleared his throat awkwardly. "Um, well. He's got big hands, and well...he has those long fingers." They were still very confused. "Girls like that...because...uh..." He looked helplessly at Yumichika who sighed.
"They like to imagine what exactly he can do to them with his large, nimble fingered hands." He explained, deciding to put Kira out of his awkward misery. Hisagi, Renji, Iba and Ikkaku all looked vaguely ill. "Of course, the second reason is much simpler." Yumichika continued easily.
"Oh, god. There's more?" Kira nodded. "Girls always want what they can't have." He finished.
...
"...What?"
"Well, you know that he's off limits." Yumichika explained, as though the answer were obvious. Kira nodded. "Yeah. And if anyone were to make a move, they would suffer." Kira shook his head. "She's a scary lady sometimes." Yumichika nodded. "Yes...they really are perfect for each other." Hisagi, Renji, Ikkaku and Iba looked at each other in confusion. Looked at Gin. Looked at Yumichika and Kira.
"...Who-?"
"GIN!" They all stared as Matsumoto Rangiku ran into the bar, and jumped into Gin's lap, shoving her tongue down his throat. Hisagi, Renji, Iba, and Ikkaku choked on their own spit. "GUH?" Kira nodded. "Yeah. They've been together awhile now."
"Such a beautiful couple." Yumichika sighed approvingly. Kira shrugged, downing some more booze. "Eh, I guess. I only know all this 'cause I'm the 'Friend'." Yumichika winced. The 'Friend' was the guy girls went to to talk about guys. The one they went to to vent, to talk, to spill disturbing girly secrets to, but will never see as a boyfriend. They looked over to see Rangiku now sitting smugly in Gin's lap, drinking, while he just sat there with a dazed dumbass grin on his face. All the girls stared enviously. Renji turned back to Kira and Yumichika. "Oh my god." Kira nodded.
"Yeah. At least you haven't walked in your Captain's office to find him half naked, making out with his equally half naked girlfriend on his desk." Kira said bitterly and they all (including Yumichika) stared. He looked at them and scoffed. "Why do you think I drink so much? It's not because I like the stuff." Hisagi, Iba, Ikkaku, and Renji blinked. Looked back to Rangiku and Gin. Looked back at Kira.
...Died a little inside.
"...Ew."
"Yup."
"..."
"...Wanna leave?"
"Thought you'd never ask."
And with that, the five mentally scarred men, and Yumichika, left the bar just as Rangiku drunkenly began to make out with the very happy Captain of Squad 3.
Poor Hisagi, Renji, Iba and Ikkaku never looked at the Squad 3 Captain the same way ever again.
A/N: I hate the ending. Whatever, review! :D