I sighed boredly as I searched the internet. Homestuck cosplay… Homestuck cosplay… why are you so elusive at times? I thought boredly, wincing as my headache got the better of me… again.
Who am I, you ask? Just your average nineteen-year-old girl, who lives alone in a rather-nice house in Northern California! I worked as a tour guide in the semi-nearby Redwood Forest; however, I was on break due to it being winter. I was even looking at other jobs, such as working in a café or something!
But back to the matter at hand. I was searching cosplay for my favorite fandom ever—Homestuck. I had regularly been told that I acted much like a couple of the characters but looked more like others—I blamed my short black hair—and thus I had read it all. So amazing. So good.
Suddenly, a page caught my eye. Homestuck units… I pondered, wondering what in the world a "unit" was. Shrugging, I clicked on the link. Suddenly, a bunch of brightly flashing lights aggravated my terrible migraine—I was sick, after all.
"Holy motherfucking miracles…" I muttered, nearly falling out of my chair. I finally dared to look at the screen which had appeared to have calmed down.
It read as followed:
"Congratulations! You are the ONE MILLIONTH visitor!
"Your location has been determined as: California, Eureka city, 4064 Campton Road, name ERIN LIAM VANDELHEIM. Homestuck units: TROLL! and KID! bundle will be sent to this location within two business weeks.
"Please be at this location to sign for these deliveries, as the nature of this shipment is highly volatile and cannot be left outside of a residence.
"Have a nice day!"
I blinked a few times before having the sense to take a screenshot of the popup. Right after I did this, it vanished. I tried to post the shot into MS Paint; however, it failed and remained the same.
Shrugging it off as a mirage created by my sickness-addled mind, I turned off my computer and went to bed.
The next week passed by rather quickly, with me forgetting the "delivery" utterly and, thankfully, getting over my head cold. I attempted to apply for a job at a nearby movie theater, but most likely failed. I stuttered quite a bit and my hands shook considerably. At this rate, I would never get a good, regularly-paying job.
After going home that night and attempting to avoid thinking of my horrible financial situation—really, the only reason I was able to afford this house was because it was my late, rich parents' vacation home—by watching Braveheart for possibly the fiftieth time. At this point, I could quite easily fall asleep in the goriest of scenes—which I proceeded to do.
At roughly ten in the morning the next day, I was awoken quite suddenly by the doorbell ringing. It didn't help that the couch I had fallen asleep on was in the main living room, right next to the front door. I managed to pull myself off of the couch, stumbling to the front door.
And there was a rather-large box there, with a delivery man wearing an Astra Inc. uniform.
Huh.
Forgot about this.
I blinked at the man, my messy hair probably being a wreck—like normal. He cleared his throat before speaking.
"Delivery for an, uhh, Erin V…" he trailed off as he read my last name. I shook my messy hair out of my eyes.
"That's me. Aren't I supposed to sign?" I tried to say politely; it was hard, though, as I had only gotten around six hours of sleep.
"Yeah… here you go miss…" he said, handing me the signature pad. I gave my rather-doctor-ish signature and passed it back to him. He took it and left, leaving me with what I now realized was two boxes.
"Let's see… I got "Homestuck" units… judging by how big this box is, I'm assuming it isn't a kid." I muttered to myself before grabbing the manual.
GAMZEE MAKARA: Unit Guide and Manual
"Motherfuck…" I muttered to myself before generally pushing it inside, stopping in the small mudroom as there were steps leading to the rest of the house. I went back outside for the other box, shivering as a cold wind blew through my thin pajamas. Once I had both boxes inside, I closed the door and began to read the manual.
"So, they have a section on how to wake him up but no actual methods… yay…" I quietly said, glancing at the box that presumably contained the psychopathic juggalo. I thought for a second before snapping my fingers. "A couple honks should wake him up!" I quickly hopped over Gamzee's… box… and grabbed a pair of scissors to open the non-unit containing box. Upon opening it, I found myself confronted by a… dehydrated recuperacoon? Huh… should probably get that ready before he wakes up… I took the one-foot by one-foot dark red block to the sink, where I poured some water over it; it began to expand ever so slowly and I quickly took it down to the basement and set it in a corner. He can have the basement…
I went back to the small box, where I found a… husktop? Lots of clothing? Makeup? Seeds? A greenish card? And… bicycle horns! Man, how did this all fit in here?
I took out one of the horns and, carefully standing at arms reach, gave it a few tentative "honks". A faint rustling sound could be heard from the crate, as I now realized it was. I honked the horn a few more times before chucking it into the pile… where it set off a giant honking chain reaction.
The top of the box proceeded to be carefully removed by a gray arm; I fled into my house away from the mudroom, screaming quietly.
"Hang on a motherfuckin' second! Can't a motherfucker get out of a box?" a strangely drawling voice called from behind me. I screamed a bit louder and proceeded to trip on a random book, falling flat on my face.
"Oww…" I quietly muttered, rolling onto my back… to be confronted with Gamzee standing nearly on top of me. "Ack! Personal space, personal space!" I cried this out before quickly crawling into the next room.
"Wait a motherfuckin' second!" he called after me, easily overtaking my slow crawling speed. Damn… he was tall…
"What?" I snapped back before sitting on the cool tile of my kitchen.
"You're bleeding."
And he was right; when I had fallen, I had caused a random nosebleed. I proceeded to blush and stood up, heading over to the sink.
"Thanks…" I muttered, washing some of the blood from my face. He made a non committal noise before walking away. I turned off the water and just stared out the window.
I lived nearby the edge of my town, Eureka. This window overlooked an undisturbed stretch of wilderness. Barely anyone visited; it was better this way. The only time that I really ventured out was to get a job or to work at my job, and the occasional grocery trip. Canned food didn't taste that bad, after all.
However, from how it looked, I'd have to go out much more often. Not many had the taste for canned food that I had, so I'd probably have to shop for Gamzee's food. I wonder what he'd eat… the manual had said something about not eating his pies, so that was something to avoid.
Deciding I'd ask him, I set the towel I had been absently clutching onto a countertop. I peered around the house; he wasn't in my immediate view.
Carefully stepping out, I went over to the mudroom. It appeared that Gamzee had taken his two boxes and the absurd pile of horns somewhere else. Shrugging, I went to the basement.
Ahh, there he was.
It looked like he was attempting to strew the horns across the floor; I decided to properly introduce myself.
I began to walk over to Gamzee, but proceeded to step on a horn, causing a loud honking sound, which freaked me out enough to fall over onto another horn. He also freaked out and immediately turned around, pulling a juggling club out of nowhere before realizing it was me. The club proceeded to vanish just as quickly as it had appeared as he began to walk over, using a shuffling gate to avoid honking any more horns.
By the time he had reached me, I had pulled myself into a sitting position and was moving some horns away from me. He grinned and plopped himself a few feet away from me, avoiding sitting on a horn. I watched him out of the corner of my eye, letting my long-ish bangs cover my eyes. He was distantly staring off with a glazed look while slowly honking a horn.
Truth be told, it was quite terrifying.
I settled to read the manual which had remained in my clutched grip somehow for this entire time.
And proceeded to curse out loud.
"Motherfuck. I have to send you to… how old are you?" I asked, looking directly at the troll.
"I'm six sweeps, motherfucker. Or, in motherfucking human years, thirteen." He said simply, wearing a broad grin. I slapped my forehead.
"Junior high, then, unless… what part of the human calendar would you fit in, like what day is your birth-slash-wriggling day?" I asked, pulling my knees closer to my chest.
"Ehh… I guess I'd be in motherfucking December or something…" Gamzee drawled, leading back and causing a random horn to honk. I rolled my eyes; normally, I would facepalm, but I was trying to grow out of that habit.
I slapped myself in the eye by accident once.
Anyhow, I thought for a few minutes. Gamzee's birthday… time to think of a random day that fits into Capricorn, I guess… I thought, before having one concern.
"When IS it Capricorn, anyway?" I wondered out loud, seeing as he would most likely be one of his own symbol.
"It's like, late December to the middle of motherfucking January…" he drawled even more, rolling onto another horn. Now he was looking at me. It was actually… not that terrifying.
At least he was still stoned.
… I needed to get him some pie tins FAST.
"So… I'm gonna say your birthday is January… fifteenth. Good enough for me; ides of… January. Close enough." I finally muttered, my dark hair falling in my eyes.
"… hey…" he said after there had been a sufficiently awkward pause.
"… yeah?" I responded after a bit, tilting my head as I looked at him.
"What's your motherfuckin' name, bitchtits?" he asked, resting his head on an arm.
"Oh… Erin…" I responded, trailing off a bit. He made a non-committal noise before yawning.
"What kind of motherfucking food do you have around here… Erin?" he asked, quite civil really. Even if he was cussing left and right.
"Umm… some stuff… and some other stuff… what do you like to eat, other than pies?" I asked, needing something useful. Looks like I'm going grocery shopping… lovely…
"Ehh… fruit… and fish, I guess." He replied, surprising me a little. Then again, he DID live on the coast…
"Ok; I was going to go to the grocery store soon, anyway. In the meantime, I'm pretty sure I've got some fresh fruit upstairs, if you'll follow me~" I got up and dusted imaginary dust off of my… pajama pants.
Yeah, I was still wearing those… and they had polka dots on them… talk about awkward much…
Attempting to feign away any idea to Gamzee that wearing pajamas wasn't normal, I wandered upstairs…
And tripped on the stairs.
I got up, feeling that I should have been warned about the stairs (even though it was my house) and my ego a little bruised; Gamzee snickered a bit behind me, causing me to blush. I scurried up the stairs as fast as I could without tripping a second time, and quickly walked over to the kitchen.
In my kitchen, there was my trusty sink which was across from my even-trustier refrigerator and handy-dandy microwave.
On top of said reheating device was a simple fruit bowl, which had some apples, some bananas, some peaches, and some other various fruits.
I plucked a peach, a nectarine, an apple, and a banana out of the bowl. I quickly washed all of the fruits which needed it and turned to leave the kitchen… to realize that Gamzee had been following me in the kitchen.
"Ack!" I spluttered and fell over right in front of him… or would've, if he hadn't caught me… talk about awkward, much…
"Watch yourself, motherfucker…" he murmured as I regained my balance—really, I swear I'm normally coordinated!—and then let me go before grinning at the assortment of fruits. "Are all of those for little ol' motherfuckin' me? You shouldn't have, ya little motherfucker!"
If anyone else had called me that or if anyone had said it in a different tone, they would be missing fingers.
But the way he said it made it seem like the word wasn't normally considered an insult; rather, it was an affectionate term.
I tried to shrug it off and instead put on my game face. "Yup! Here ya go; this one's mine, though!" I said, offering all but the very-ripe nectarine. I loved those.
He took the three offered fruits and examined them, very curious. He didn't seem to recognize them, how adorable! Gamzee then tried to nibble on peel of the banana. I giggled before taking it away from him. I carefully began to peel the banana, but as I did that, Gamzee started to stare in horror before running away with the apple and peach.
I stared; he stared back from the room next to the kitchen.
I looked at the banana before cracking up laughing.
"Really? You think a banana looks like… Jesus, man!" I managed to snort out between laughs, holding the half-peeled banana in my hand. And that was the moment when I learned that laughter was very, very infectious as he began to laugh—and honk—with me.
I threw away the banana; truth be told, I hated them and had no idea why one was in my house. He turned to eating the peach, as it was apparently "very motherfuckin' sweet and got all the yummies up in here". That got me to laugh even more, to the point that I nearly choked on my nectarine.
After the amazing incident with the fruits, I went over to my couch and amazing television that my old boyfriend had bought for me. The sucker—he was rich; of course I'd use the "gifts" he bought for me long after I dumped him.
I turned on the large plasma-screened television; it was almost always on some "immature" cartoon that I adored. This time, it was an episode of Adventure Time, the second one with the Flame Princess.
I then proceeded to flip over the back of the couch right into a sitting position on the couch like a boss. Gamzee snickered as he simply flopped over the arm of the couch, watching the cartoon with me.
It was… peaceful.
A/N: Yeah, I'm writing Homestuck fanfiction. And yes, I tracked down manuals.
I'm probably not gonna be working on One Against One Hundred any more (boohoo whatever) but I'm gonna be working on this.
I own nothing except Erin; I don't even own her house (which is a legitimate house in Eureka, CA where I don't live ;D).
The Homestuck manuals were created by invisiblecanada, who will get a link to this. :D but really, she only made eight out of the twelve trolls and I wanna do the kids too :c so if any of you adoring fans wanna write manuals… ;D
And I'm gonna have authors notes down here o3o so yeah
By the way, Erin is in no way related to any character from any of my other stories, so yeah xD
Banana jokes are funny 8D
Why are you still reading this? o.o