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Have you ever seen or done something and experienced deja vu so violently, with such intense nostalgia, that you needed to look away?
But you couldn't?

Maybe because it was too painful or maybe...it was just too perfect and you felt like if you looked away it would crack and shatter at your feet.

That's what it felt like when Dean looked at anything. Even things he was positive he'd never seen before, even PEOPLE he was certain he'd never seen before. It all reminded him of what he shattered in his hands, what he'd cracked beneath his lips.
Out of all the things to come he felt, in his young age, that this was what would damn them to hell.

It's not to say that what he'd been looking at is ugly or bad. It's to say that it's painful, and cold, after the memory of the happiness and warmth wore off.

Have you ever gotten the feeling that while you walk down the street, everyone is looking at you?
Because Dean always got stared at, I mean, have you seen him? But this was unsettling.
The ones staring… he could tell they knew. That they could see the sin inside of him. The ones looking away were almost worse. They were obviously so disgusted they couldn't even look at him.

Autumn was always Deans favourite season. He normally walked around the walkways beaming at everyone like it was the best day that ever was. And the way that the leaves look normally, that completely ineffable green, identifiable only as the way you could tell autumn was coming in? Theyre all stained with the acid teardrops from summer as it leaves, burning drips of fire onto the ineffable.
Or were those his as he walked down the sidewalk, staring at a leaf he'd caught.

He was caustic. Poisonous. Dangerous.
He was supposed to take care of him.
What had he done?

The first time it happened, Sams moral gauge went haywire. He was 13 and him and Dean were bored and so Dean jumped on to Sams back while Sam was putting on his shirt. It started out with some grapples and some things that Dean swears is kung-fu. Dean slammed Sam onto the floor as Sam hysterically laughed. His laughter slowed when he realized Dean was just sitting there, straddling him. Nose to nose.

Sam smiled,

"Hey, are you ok?"

He chuckled.

"I didn't actually hurt your little princess skin did-"

Dean mashed his lips into Sams clumsy and powerful, grabbing the sides of Sams face so he couldn't turn away.
Sam shoved Dean off of him and scooted away so quickly that it made an audible noise. He covered his mouth and looked at Dean, utterly appalled...but behind his hand he licked his lips.

If anyone on the outside bothered to think about it, it was a long time coming. After that, they didn't speak to each other for….well as long as you can not speak to the only other person you're squeezed into a car or motel room with 24/7.

One night, John hit the sauce a little too hard and when he asked Dean, "why the fuck can't you just sleep in the queen bed with Sam" because he just wanted to pass out drunk in the living room watching tv, Dean wouldn't answer him. He just stood there. Blood rushing to his face, turning red.
He turned and looked at Sammy...
"I'm too old to be sharing a bed with my brother it's...it's gay, man"
John looked at him, half angry drunk, half confused, "I swear to god if you don't get out of my sight, boy-"
Sam sighed and continued to pretend to sleep.

The next instance was just as brief, except it wasn't violent, it was soft.
It was Sam's birthday, they had gone back to speaking as if nothing happened. It had been a year and a few months, Sam was turning 14. But their father had forgotten. No time for celebration when there was a wild Djinn running around.
As they ran out of the house, Dean made sure his father was running towards the car after throwing some sigils on the door to protect Sammy.

Dean turned to sam, bag full of guns and stakes, he pinched Sam's chin and leaned forward, pressing their lips together gently. This time Sam stepped forward and pushed them together as Dean's free hand made its way up to Sam's hair. Sam gripped the front of Dean's jacket and tipped his head to the side, feeling Dean's tongue swipe over his bottom lip once and when Sam thought he couldn't pull Dean in any harder, Dean pulled away.

"We'll be right back."
Dean smirked
"Happy birthday Sammy.