Note: Hey. If you're reading this, it means that I've deleted what I had before. If you've read what I originally wrote, you'll understand that my writing style was quite atrocious and that I decided to rewrite this whole thing. You'll see what I mean.
Hope you enjoy it. Shout out to Swanfrost15 for being an awesome beta. Questions and comments go in the lovely box below~
As per usual, i do not own any part of the lovely franchise of Bleach. All characters used in this fanfiction belong to the honorable Tite Kubo, who has graciously allowed me to manipulate his characters however I want. Just kidding. But seriously; I don't own a single phucking thing.
-Prologue-
I can't help it. I'm just sexy like this.
It's not my problem if girls can't resist my charm. This stuff takes practice, you know. Years of practice to
get to this elite level.
I've perfected the careless wave. I've aced the careless grin. I've even mastered the careless whisper.
(That last one took the most time, beeteedubs.)
There are no books out there, no How to Charm Girls for Dummies in the bookshelves, pal. Everything comes from what you already have. Use your talents, your looks, your personality. Go out and give them all that you've got.
Just to be nice, I'll give you a tip.
A full-on French kiss don't hurt no one.
Most people don't realize that even celebrities -myself included- are capable of harboring emotions.
Newsflash: we can, and most of the time we're pretty damn annoyed.
You see them pursed lips of Angelina Jolie? Kristen Stewart's blank expressions both on and off the camera?
Yup. We're all annoyed.
Annoyed by the constant paparazzi flitting around like flies to honey. Annoyed by the frequent headlines: So-and-so Caught in Stolen Ferrari; Overdosed on LSD or This-n-that Found at Local Shelter Caring for Kitties!.
Especially annoyed by the fangirls. They're probably worse than the paparazzi, and that's saying a whole fucking lot. There's nothing more exciting than a fast-paced game of Catch-the-Kurosaki in Walmart, or the famed yet dangerous find-the-Kurosaki's-underwear-drawer-in-his-house- and-elude-the-guards-and-find-out-if-he-wears-boxe rs-or-briefs-and-take-one-as-a-trophy game.
(For those who are curious, no one's been able to get into my house without me knowing about it.)
Anyway, back to the point. As you can tell, I'm in a fucking annoyed mood. My slippers weren't there to step into when I got out of bed, the limo wouldn't start, and to top it all off: there wasn't enough milk for all of my cereal.
Not to mention the fact that all my buddies are in my house, waiting for the effing carpool to arrive.
Dammit.
And it's the freaking first day of school.
Looking around in my spacious living room, my eyes glimmer in annoyance. Everyone's busy doing something stupid.
Allow me to introduce you to my entourage.
See that guy on the couch there? Yeah; the dude that's tinkering with th- GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY GOLDEN GLOBE, GIN. DON'T MAKE ME SAY THIS AGAIN. GET AWAY.
NO THANK YOU. I DO NOT NEED YOU TO POLISH IT. I HAVE PEOPLE THAT DO THAT FOR ME.
Whew.
The guy I was yelling at earlier? He's Gin. A hugely talented guy with a finger in everything, Gin Ichimaru dabbles in just about anything this Earth has to offer. From actor to cake decorator, Gin's done it all. He's probably most famous for his novel Lazyass, or A How-To Book Written Because My Friends Are All Lazy People And This Is How You Can Be Successful Like Them. It's a bestseller in most countries. Go check it out. I bet your library has it or something.
Gin also practices throwing a large assortment of projectiles in his spare time. Trust me; you do not want to go head to head against him in a fight. I've seen people seriously get hurt by him throwing paperclips.
Now take a look at the dude playing on the xBox next to him. He's my best bro ever: Renji. There's no one in the world that could match up to him. Renji Abarai's one of them famous models. He's done stints for Burberry and Gucci. Renji was scouted by the best, trained to be the best, and is the best. This year, he's finally been voted "Sexiest Man Alive," a title I held for three years. Be proud, my friends.
Now where is- Oh! There he is. Say hi, Toshiro!
No?
Fine. Be that way, you puffball.
OH NO YOU DON'T GO OFF AND STAB ME WITH THAT LOOK, HITSUGAYA. I'M WARNING YOU.
The ignorant bastard that's shooting angry glares at me right now is Toshiro Hitsugaya. You'll know him as the teen with a cold smile on those platinum CD covers. Yeah, the dude that makes you bust open your ovaries (girls, please) or makes you groan in pain to hear about him again (guys, I totally feel your pain). A piano prodigy that attended Julliard, Toshiro loves his music to hell and back and he started the whole fusion of classic and rock music movement-thing. Not that I care that much, of cours- NO! TOSHIRO, DO NOT WITHDRAW OUR DEAL. I STILL HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOUR LATEST ALBUM AND CRITIQUE IT, BASTARD.
Did I mention that he has a horrible temper? Yeah. Obviously I forgot.
And finally there's- OKAY I GOT IT. ISHIDA, YOU CAN STOP YELLING AT ME NOW. AND NO, I AM NOT YELLING. I AM EMPHASIZING MY POINT.
I'm terribly sorry for my mood today. It's been hard, dealing with these idiots.
Anyhow, Ishida's over there, playing on his iPad again. Being the supposedly responsible one in our ragtag group, Uryuu Ishida rounds us out with his achievements in many fields of science. I swear, that guy's gonna win some sciencey prize before I'm even legal.
Ishida's favorite thing to do is to design and make his own cosplay outfits from scratch. It's an obsession I've had yet to get used to. There's nothing more horrifying than walking into the kitchen and finding a full-blown Wookie suit sitting at the table. I've spit my Coke too many times to deal with this.
Ishida's also our "manager," attempting to keep all of us from killing each other because believe me; if I had the chance to wedgie Gin I'd have done it a long time ag- I WILL NOT ACTUALLY DO THAT, ISHIDA. CALM THE FUCK DOWN. AND GIN, SORRY ABOUT WANTING TO WEDGIE YOU BECAUSE I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.
Whoops; did I just say that out loud?
My bad.
Together, we're the newest, hottest guys to grace this Earth with our presence. Everyone's gone crazy. Wherever we go, our fangirls are there to shower us with love and screams and whatever.
I like to think of us as One Direction, except less questionable-boy-love and more explode-em-ovaries.
Especially since we're notorious for being womanizers.
Yes, even Toshiro has admitted to hooking up with more than one girl at once. I don't think Renji's ever stayed with one girl for over a week, tops. And even Ishida and Gin have this problem. Remind me to tell you about the time Gin's girl-for-the-night discovered his girl-for-the-day at a party. That was one hell of a bitchfest.
That leaves me.
I'm the worst out of this bunch.
And I'm damn proud of it.
Maybe it's the surge of satisfaction I get when another girl swoons over me or the barely-legal margaritas at the bars, but it's the life. There's nothing better than sitting at a bar table with two or three girls latched to both arms and chatting away to my buddies.
Women are a sign of power in the celeb world. The more you got, the more powerful you are and the more likely others will bow down to you.
What about the others? You mean the ones like Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom and stuff? The ones that have long-standing relationships or marriages?
Let's just say that Denzel Washington ain't got no shit on me. He can stay in his marriage as long as he wants; I don't care. I'm better than him. He's depleting his testosterone and good looks to stay with one woman for the rest of his life.
One. Fucking. Woman.
What a waste.
Besides, girls are easy to manipulate. I swear; they're idiots when it comes to following their idols. All I'd have to do is lean in and suggest something, then boom! Catfight commences.
No one has ever tied me down, and no one ever will.
And here's my first confession: I'll never be taken by anybody. Not now, not ever.
This is Ichigo Kurosaki, signing off.