Everything Wrong with The Land Before Time IX: Journey to Big Water
in 6 minutes or less
Spoilers!
(duh)
The ancient seas. Home to so many wondrous creatures.
We went through this in The Time of the Great Giving. How much do you have to repeat it to us? (ding)
Millions and millions of years ago...
Now this again?! Agh! (ding)
(the shot is seen from the point of view of the kronosaurus)
We interrupt this prehistoric kids movie to bring you the opening scene of every Jaws movie. (ding)
Obvious CGI tree is obvious. (ding)
Littlefoot: Gee, what if it never stops?
Grandma: Oh, it will, little one. It always does. Though I'm beginning to have my doubts.
(the rain immediately ceases)
Rain has excellent ironic timing. (ding)
Second obvious CGI tree is also obvious. (ding)
Cera: I've got to help my father move this tree. It fell right on top of our sleeping place.
Well then, it shouldn't take you that long to move it out of the way. In fact, I'd say you've done it already. (ding)
Littlefoot: I'll just have to race myself over to Ducky and Spike's.
Don't get ahead of yourself. (ding)
(Ducky and Spike squish their feet in mud for half a minute)
Ducky: Squishy! Squishy! Squishy!
Okay, we get it, squishy. Move along. (ding)
Littlefoot: It's boring/boring/really truly boring...(skip)...it's really/truly/very boring
This song is about as boring as its subject. (ding)
Also, the title of this song is "Chanson D'Ennui", which is French for "Song of Boredom". What's the point of the French? (ding)
(Cera and her dad are still seen pushing the log during the song)
Okay, just where exactly are you pushing that log to? (ding)
(the song ends)
Littlefoot: I'm bored.
(scene transition)
Littlefoot: I'm bored.
Yeah, you said that just 26 seconds ago. (ding)
Littlefoot: There's no one that wants to have fun.
Uh, I'm sure your friends want to have fun, I mean who doesn't? But they just can't get to it. (ding)
Grandma: Your mother would have loved to have given you a brother, Littlefoot.
Grandpa: Yes, but because you were her only child, you were very, very special to her.
I hate to sin a line that mentions Littlefoot's mother, but are they implying that the fewer children in the family, the more the parents find them special? Because yeah, that's how it works. (ding)
Grandpa: We've got flyers, and swimmers, and land walkers of all kinds.
(a parasaurolophus steps into frame and roars for no discernable reason)
The parasaurolophus steps in and roars on cue with Grandpa's announcement of land walkers. (ding)
Littlefoot: No fair, I asked you first.
Littlefoot: (pretending his reflection in the water is talking back to him) Okay, let's go have some fun.
(two frogs jump into Littlefoot's reflection)
Frogs are dicks to imaginary friends. (ding)
Grandpa: We were all afraid this would happen.
Cera's dad: What do you mean all? I wasn't afraid.
Cera's dad is still a brat. (ding)
Grandpa: Come everyone. I sense more sky water is about to fall.
Littlefoot: Gee, I don't sense anything.
Why? Heavy dark clouds should be enough. (ding)
Littlefoot: Wow! I've never seen one like him before.
Is it just me, or is the guy voicing Littlefoot a teenager trying to sound like a kid? (ding)
Mo: You like to have fuuuuunnnn?
This is the part where Littlefoot says "No, I don't".
Cera: It sounds like he's having a bunch of fun without us!
Cera is still a brat. (ding)
Petrie: Just because they go no mean me have to. Me think for myself!
Cera: Petrie?
Petrie: Coming.
Damn. For a second there, I thought Petrie had become more adept. (ding)
Littlefoot: Guess what? Mo and I just became mud brothers.
Hmm...we're starting to get less prehistoric with terms that can be found in the Urban Dictionary. (ding)
Ducky: Mo?
Cera: Mo who?
Mo Stavern. Hehe. Feel free to shoot me. (ding)
(Spike is doing what else)
Ducky: Spike does not seem worried.
Duh. He can't be worried when he's eating. (ding)
Petrie: But imaginary friends think you very very smart
Ducky: They never ever fuss or fight
Come on. I can make mine fuss and fight if I want to. (ding)
(a variety of imaginary friend appear beside the gang)
Hey look, it's an ancestor of King Gator from All Dogs Go to Heaven. (ding)
Ducky: Spike is very special too. Especially good at eating.
He definitely is. He just ate part of the branch as well as those leaves. (ding)
(the kronosaurus doesn't bother attacking Mo as he hurries to get ahead of it)
The kronosaurus isn't in the mood for wet meat today. (ding)
It's not like the kronosaurus had to bite the vine. It's already detached from him as he swims away. (ding)
Ducky: Mo cannot walk with us to the big water. He is a swimmer and has no feet.
(she extends her foot forward)
Ducky demonstrates Mo having no feet by showing Littlefoot one of her feet. (ding)
(a faint sound of the earth shaking is heard)
Ducky: I think my tummy is making its hungry sound.
This should be a deja vu moment for Ducky. This is what she thought in The Mysterious Island. (ding)
Earthquake in a Land Before Time movie cliche. (ding)
All three four-footers land on their backs in a neat little row. (ding)
(Petrie begins flying across the abyss to get help)
(a puff of steam scares him and he flies back)
One blast of steam scares Petrie into flying back. (ding)
Littlefoot, Cera, and Spike don't have claws, so their toes wouldn't leave holes that are apart from their footprints. (ding)
I'm sure Petrie's mom is braver than Petrie. She doesn't think to fly over and carry them to safety. (ding)
Petrie: (fighting strong wind) Pull up! Pull up!
Petrie talks like crashing fighter pilot. (ding)
(Petrie imagines his toothless sharptooth friend, who immediately begins to fall having no wings)
An imaginary friend does whatever you want him to, so in that case...Petrie is a dick to his imaginary friend. (ding)
Petrie: Me like to sing. How about you, imaginary friend?
(his imaginary friend nods)
Petrie: Good. Na na na na na na na na...
Obviously, he doesn't, because he doesn't join in. (ding)
It takes 37 minutes for the journey to big water to begin. (ding)
Is that water real? (ding)
Cera: (muttering to herself) Mo this and Mo that.
Mo what? (ding)
(Mo jumps over a rock wall while Littlefoot stands on top it underneath him)
We interrupt this prehistoric kids movie to bring you Free Willy. (ding)
(after singing "Big Water")
Littlefoot: That was fun.
(they all laugh)
And fun is funny. (ding)
Mo: Flying bugs tell Mo we getting close to big water.
How do grasshoppers and ophtalmosaurs communicate? (ding)
Cera: Petrie, thanks to you, we're lost.
Petrie: Hey! We no lost.
"We're lost", "We're not lost" cliche. (ding)
Ducky: Everyone else is getting so so grumpy. But I am not grumpy. I am happy.
Can I be Dopey? (ding)
Diplodocus Mom: Why, you aren't much more than babies yourselves.
Cera: Not much more than babies? Why, I'm practically all grown up.
Haha. I just busted a gut. (ding)
Nine shooting stars?! What is this, Spider-Man 3? (ding)
(a crab grabs Cera's nose horn with its claw)
(Cera screams and runs around)
Evidently, Cera has nerves in her horn. (ding)
How does Petrie letting go of Cera send her rolling meters backward? (ding)
(Mo squawks telling the crab to let go, and it obliges)
Do all mute animals know Mo's language? (ding)
Mo: Mo swim ahead. Go see which water path take us to big water.
Can't Petrie just do that? He found the paths that led to the ocean to begin with. (ding)
Also, everyone has to stay behind while Mo swims off, because...kronosaurus. (ding)
Obvious CGI clouds are obvious. (ding)
Cera: Well, nothing could possibly make my day any worse.
(the kronosaurus rises out of the water)
Cera: Except for that!
Nothing could make my day any worse, except it just did cliche. (ding)
Mo Ex Machina. (ding)
(the kronosaurus chases after Mo)
Littlefoot: Mo! Nooooooooo!
Mo no.
Ducky: (sniffs) Mo.
The gang of five just assumes that Mo got eaten. (ding)
Ducky: And Cera, you especially should not have been jealous of Mo's singing. It was not good. Oh no, no, no.
Petrie: Yeah, me sing much better than him.
The gang of five makes fun of Mo after assuming that he got eaten. (ding)
Mo's water kin all happen to be near the shore, because...touching reunion. (ding)
Mo: Old One tell Mo the way. Friends can go home now.
They didn't really need help, considering how the smoking mountains are in plain view. (ding)
Cera: Wow. I think they like me.
Well, I guess there's a first time for everything. (ding)
(the credits roll with Donny Osmond singing "No One Has to be Alone")
Donny Osmond. (ding)
Movie Sin Tally: 66
Bonus Round
SMAERCSSCREAMSSMAERCSSCREAMS
+4
+1
+1
+1
+4
+1
+1
+1
+1
+2
+5
+4
+1
+1
+1
+5
+4
+2
+3
Movie Sin Tally: 109
Sentence: SQUISHED BY A SPIKETAIL
Petrie: Here comes the squished part!
Ducky: Squishy! Squishy!