Note: I am considering entering this into the Fanfic competition at Anime North 2005. ANY feedback is appreciated as I need to know what needs to be altered and or expanded on. I particular did I get Ayame's character all right or not? Thanks. Grammar and spelling errors too please!
I Understand
It was a cool spring night when it happened, an event that had been coming for a long time. Everyone knew that someday the day would come when Tohru would chose, would realize her feelings for one leaving the other in the cold. In the end it had been Yuki who'd won the princess's heart and Kyo was left in the shadows though of course he wasn't out of Tohru's heart. Tohru's heart was as big as the Atlantic and had room for everyone in her life. It was just that now Yuki had more of it then anyone else. Kyo hadn't really expected to beat out the rat, not really anyway. He wished he could blame it on his true form and Yuki, anything really but he couldn't. He of all people knew that the heart was something that acted of its own free will without any regard for the well being of the person it belonged to. Tohru's heart had decided it loved Yuki most..that was just the way things were. It wasn't like he was losing her of course. She would still live in their house, still fuss over them and make sure that they were as happy as she could make them. She just..would care about one of them a little more then the others. She'd be with Yuki, care more about Yuki, just plain more then she did for him. Sitting alone on top of the roof, his favorite place to be when he wanted to think Kyo couldn't help but think about begging his master to let him come live with him again. Sure it was cowardly and he'd likely have to lie to accomplish it but...but he didn't want to be around here now. At least for a little while.
"Well hello there, Kyo." Came a familiar jolly voice that had every hair on Kyo's body stand up as he turned his head to the side in mortal dread.
)
"What the hell are you doing here!" Kyo demanded to know as he quickly got to his feet, his whole being giving off get the hell away from me vibes. There were few things that he and the rat ever agreed on but there was one where they were always on the same wave length. They both couldn't stand Yuki's brother in even small doses.
"Why I came here with Hatori to come see Shigure and my darling brother of course." Ayame said with one of his cheerful laughs as he rather gracefully stepped onto the roof and made his way over to take a seat beside Kyo which had the cat backing up a few steps to put more distance between them. "And as it happens I came to see how you were doing, Kyo." Ayame added dryly as he watched the cat try to get away from him without being obvious. Then again he and Kyo had never gotten along and this was likely the first time he'd ever made the effort to talk one on one with his violent cat cousin.
"Why the hell would you come to see me?" Kyo said in surprise, gapping at Ayame with a clueless look in his fierce eyes.
"Well first sit down, I don't want to sprain my delicate neck looking up at you for this entire conversation." Ayame said with a smirk as he waited for Kyo to sit. He had to wait a few moments but finally the boy's curiosity won over and Kyo sat down wearily, eyeing Ayame suspiciously. "There, that's certainly better now isn't it?" Ayame said with a beaming smile, a sharp contrast to Kyo's scowl. "Now back to the matter at hand you were asking me why I sought you out when normally I'd be showering my attention upon my beloved Shigure and baby brother. Well the simple truth is, Kyo that I thought perhaps you might be in need of an ear right about now. I've decided that in order to win my brother's heart I must learn to listen more and show more of an interest in the things and people he cares about. To that end I have been doing my best to seek out those in trouble and in need of a comforting shoulder so that I might bestow upon them some measure of comfort and relief from the agonies that plague them. Therefore I have sought you out to play the role of the concerned and caring older cousin." Ayame said in his usual dramatic and over the top way as he placed a hand on Kyo's shoulder. "So tell me, cousin Kyo. What can I do to help?"
)
"You can throw yourself off the roof onto something sharp and pointed." Kyo said with a dark look on his face as he literally glowered at the snake, slapping Ayame's hand away. "I'd go to the damn rat before I'd go to you for advice."
"Not in this case you wouldn't." Ayame said in an almost sing song tone of voice then went marginally serious since he did in fact actually want to help. The problem was he wasn't exactly sure how without turning it into his usual three ring circus as Yuki was fond of calling it. "What I mean to say is...well I know you must be upset now that dear princess Tohru is dating my brother and I wanted to extend my wish to help you in any way possible in the process of getting over your loss."
"I don't know what you're talking about. I haven't lost anything." Kyo said, black clouds practically forming around his head with every syllable he uttered.
"Oh I don't know about that. I think you have whether you would ever admit it to me or anyone else." Ayame said, for once talking like a man his age. "And whether you want to believe it or not I do happen to know how you feel."
"Somehow I really doubt that." Kyo said with a sigh as he crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Now why don't you run along and go bug someone else before I send you down through the roof."
"I know what it is to love someone and have that person kindly reject it. What it is to see someone close to you have what you desire most in the world and I do know what it is to lose in the game of love, Kyo." Ayame said softly, almost so softly that not even Kyo's sensitive ears would have been able to understand. "But I suppose it shouldn't surprise me that you wouldn't believe me. After all someone as confident and handsome as myself isn't the type one would expect to strike out in the game of love." Ayame added dramatically before smiling just a little ruefully. "And there I go again..didn't I? I always do that. It's a habit of mine..when I want to cheer myself up. You get mad, Hatori and Yuki go quiet and I get overly dramatic and showy. Well even more then I am normally."
)
Blinking Kyo stared at Ayame for a moment, thinking about what he'd said. It was true that when things got too intense for him he often got frustrated which led to him getting angry and lashing out at everything and everyone. He'd done a lot of stupid things in the past because he'd been too busy hiding his emotions to show anything but anger, an acceptable emotion to him. It was also true that Ayame could never stay serious and was always off the wall unless Hatori was there to supervise and it was also true that Ayame tended to be at his worst around Yuki. As if..maybe he needed to be in order to face Yuki. Maybe it was Ayame's way of covering his own feelings, his own worries and fears of rejection. Since he normally didn't get things like this Kyo figured he was likely wrong but it was something to mull over later when he was alone. Quiet for a little longer Kyo decided to risk curiosity killing the cat. "So this girl...did Shigure steal her away accidentally?" Kyo asked, turning his head so that he was facing the night sky instead of his cousin. He knew what a playboy Shigure was and figured it wasn't too far fetched to imagine the idiot accidentally stealing Ayame's love interest.
"No, Hatori actually though he of course never knew how I felt." Ayame said with a note of surprise, never having expected that Kyo would care enough to ask. "She and Shigure never really got along since she was always hitting him and calling him a pervert. He flipped her skirt up one too many times I suppose."
"You had a thing for Kana?" Kyo said with his jaw practically on the ground as he turned his head to gap at Ayame in complete and total shock.
"Kana? oh dear heavens no. No, as sweet as she was she was most definitely not my cup of tea." Ayame said as he chuckled at the very idea, shaking his pale head at the thought. "Kana was and is a nice girl but she was never good enough for Hatori nor did I ever entertain ideas of her that were even remotely romantic. No this was another girl and when I said Hatori didn't realize I loved her I should also mention that he had no idea she was in love with him either. Hatori is brilliant in many ways but when it comes to the heart he tends to misses things, especially when he likely didn't want to see them. This was something he wouldn't have wanted to see. To know."
)
"So you had a thing for her and she had a thing for Hatori...that would suck." Kyo said, not knowing what else he could possibly say on the matter. Hatori was Ayame's best friend and it wasn't hard to see that Ayame idolized him. To have the girl you loved in love with your best friend, the person you were closest to..well that had to be a lot worse then losing Tohru to the stupid rat. "So he never knew huh? Did she know how you felt about her?"
"In the end she did. And she kissed me on the cheek, thanked me for my words..and then we never spoke of it again." Ayame said, his voice normal for once and far away, as if he wasn't totally in the present anymore. "And she told him of her feelings for him..but he didn't realize that she meant it. She'd been planning it for weeks you see. Working up the courage to tell him how she felt. And then, one day, she came up to him while we were all outside eating our lunch. She told him that she loved him and asked him to the upcoming school dance while Shigure and I watched, my heart pretty much crumbling at that point. She was so beautiful that day with her hair carefully pulled back in a bun that was starting to come undone, her uniform perfectly pressed and ironed as always. Her eyes were the most wonderful shade of brown you know. Like warm milk chocolate full of hope and nerves. And so she told him...and he laughed and told her that he'd almost believed her, that she'd been that good. He'd thought it was a joke you see. It never even occurred to him that she'd meant it. And so she played along, joked that she should have known that she'd never fool him so easily. He broke her heart then and there but she stuck it out until he was called over by one of her classmates. Then her face..it just crumbled and she turned away from Shigure and I and ran. Shigure made some excuse for her when Hari came back and I..well I went after her of course, thinking to play her dashing knight in shining armor."
)
"And that's when you told her huh?" Kyo said as he considered this. Damn but this was so weird. Here was Ayame, the King of drama and perkiness talking to him about having his heart broken. He'd never really thought about Ayame as someone who could have their heart broken. But then again Tohru was like that too. She acted so damn cheerful and happy all the time that it was always a shock to see her crying or upset. When she let others see behind her smile.
"That I did. And as I ran so many scenarios ran through my head, so many things I wanted to tell her. To confess to her. When I finally found her she was sitting alone under a tree, silently crying into her arms as if the world were coming to an end. I walked over and sat beside her and for the first time..for the first time in a long time I had no words. It was as if my ability to speak had left me and all I could do was silently sit there and watch her cry." Ayame said with a sigh, too lost in memories to act up. "When she finally noticed I was there she lifted her head, looked at me and asked why I was there. She really had absolutely no clue."
"But you're such an affectionate person, you're always showing your emotions in neon lights." Kyo said as he gave Ayame a confused look. "How could she not know? For that matter how could Shigure and Hatori not know?"
"Oh Shigure knew. I couldn't hide it from him in the end but I never told Hari. I couldn't tell Hari. And you're right, with everyone else I'm pretty much an open book but whenever Hikari was around I was like a whole other person. I'd get so nervous around her that I'd act even more wild then I did normally. You see I always knew that I really didn't have a chance. That with this curse, asking her to accept me, to live with it, seemed so terrible cruel to me in those days. It seemed that way to most of us. To never be able to hold her, to me that was the greatest of punishments the gods could have ever given me for a crime I hadn't even committed. So perhaps, I didn't want her to see either. I didn't want her to see because there was always this little voice inside me that said she'd reject me. That even if I could make her love me she wouldn't love me enough." Ayame said as he looked off into the distance. "You'd know about that, Kyo. We all do. Looking back, if I'm honest with myself I know that she could have handled it. That she loved Hari enough that she'd have never left him the way Kana did. That perhaps, if I'd just tried hard enough, been brave enough...perhaps she'd have grown to love me that way too. And then she'd be here now. With me. But that's where you're lucky, Kyo. Even if Tohru is with Yuki, even if she marries him and they live happily ever after you'll still have her in your life. You will always have her love and acceptance without strings or what ifs."
)
"You know if you could talk like this to Yuki you two would get along a hell of a lot better." Kyo finally said, not sure what else to say.
"No doubt but then again I can never seem to calm down around him. At least not for long." Ayame said with a hint of a smirk. "Believe me I've tried but whenever I see him all I want to do is make him like me and then I try too hard and only push him further away. Hari was right when he said Yuki would like me better if I opened my mouth a lot less. But as the saying goes we often hurt the people we love. After all they're so much easier to wound with our words then the people who don't care."
"Yeah..I guess so." Kyo said as he ran a hand through his hair. "And I guess...I just needed to hear that I wouldn't be losing her completely."
"Well then I am absolute thrilled that I could help you in your time of need, my catty cousin." Ayame said with a wide smile as he slapped Kyo on the back a little harder then he'd intended. "After all as your older cousin it is my duty to give you a guiding hand and the benefit of my years of experience and knowledge. Together I shall lead you from the darkness into the light where you shall know only peace and happiness."
"You're just asking to be punched right now." Kyo said with an annoyed look though there was a hint of a smile there as well. Same old Ayame. "You really can't stay serious for more then a couple minutes can you."
"Well no, I suppose not." Ayame said with a sheepish look then brightened when Kyo made no attempt to cause him physical harm. "But when push comes to shove I can manage it for short periods of time and I'm getting better all the time. You could say that Yuki's literally been knocking the sense into me." Ayame said with a merry laugh at his little pun.
)
"So whatever happened to her? Hikari I mean." Kyo asked once Ayame was done with his little moment.
"Hikari? Well we graduated from high school and I've never seen her since. She's becoming a glass artist actually. I have some of her work and I try to keep up. But we haven't spoken since our good byes after the graduation. I don't think either of us were able to say everything that we wanted to. I think Hari still hears from her though."
"I don't think she loved him as much as you think she did." Kyo said as he met Ayame's gaze, reading the older man's surprise clearly. "If she really was strong enough to handle the curse and everything that entails then she would have fought harder for Hari. She'd have told him that she was serious and she wouldn't have just sat back quietly and watched him marry Kana. Maybe she did love him but it wasn't strong enough to get past that first hurdle."
"True but one sided love is only so strong, Kyo."
"Even though Tohru doesn't love me the way I love her I'd die for her. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her if she asked me to. The only reason I'm not fighting now is for the same reason you didn't fight, Ayame. I know Yuki loves her..and I know she loves Yuki. Even if I was strong enough to beat Yuki in a fight that wouldn't change how she feels about him. I know that no matter what I did or tried to be I wouldn't be able to become the man she loves because that's Yuki and no one can be exactly like that damn rat." Kyo said hotly, then smiled sadly as another example entered his thoughts. "No matter what I've done and said to Kagura in the past she still loves me. I've said..so many cruel and hurtful things to her but she always forgives me. She's always waiting for me to love her the way she loves me. She's never given up, not once. She'll fight for me till the day she dies I think. That's just how much she believes in me."
)
"Kagura's love is a powerful and often painful thing." Ayame agreed with a shake of his head, an affectionate smile on his face. "And she really is a strong person, isn't she? Not just physically but emotionally too. So much stronger then me."
"Well no kidding. I think even Kisa could beat you up if she put her mind to it." Kyo said with a smirk, chuckling at the half outraged, half rueful look on Ayame's face at the idea. He knew that hadn't been what Ayame meant but it was the only thing he could think to say.
"Well really I don't think I'm quite that bad." Ayame said in a huff though he wasn't really angry. "Anyway I should likely get down and find everyone else to say good bye. I'd imagine Yuki was thinking I'd outstayed my welcome the moment I came through the doorway."
"He doesn't think like that..anymore. I think he likes it when you visit him, even though he forgets that soon after you open your mouth." Kyo said dryly as he watched Ayame get to his feet.
"Ha, ha. Very funny, Kyo." Ayame said with a chuckle before walking nimbly across the roof and over to the ladder. Starting down Ayame had to smile.