Disclaimer: We don't own Naruto nor do we own ASOIAF, and we make no profit writing about them.

(AN - White): I can't even say what this monstrosity is. I was bored on Discord one day after reading To Restore a Clan and said "Let's write a smut fic where Naruto and Sasuke decide to team up and conquer all the girls in the world".

And thus, this horrific bastard crack harem fic power wank series was born.

(AN- Glacious): *Weeps in shame and vows to forget all about having ever written this and the fics to follow* I really wish I could explain this away, but to be honest, my desire for humour overpowered my distaste for smut. And thus, I ended up collaborating on this…abomination. So expect a lot of "humour" (I use this term loosely, and it's not to everyone's tastes), and a lot of insanity. No sex this time (hopefully), but with King as a co-author, I know this series will quickly degenerate into harems and hedonism. I am sorry, Fanfiction. I have failed you.

Sasuke prodded at his left elbow, restraining a wince at the twinge of pain that swelled at the junction of his bicep and prosthetic limb. He'd been reluctant to get his replacement arm attached, especially considering the mismatched freakshows Danzo and Obito had been, but after Naruto whined about it for the seventy-fourth time the Uchiha had caved.

At least keeping it wrapped up in bandages meant he didn't have to look at the corpse-white skin. Sometimes he could even pretend that he had his own arm back and not something birthed from the corpse of a long dead grandad Hokage.

"Hn," he grunted, dark eyes flicking up to meet Sakura's stern emerald gaze. Sasuke had no desire to fan the flames of eternal romantic obsession. But they seemed to have flickered, winked weakly; once, twice, one last time and finally, died away before the winds of wisdom and maturity. The woman before him was the embodiment of professionalism. From the frown on her face, to the lab coat, to the pink hair bunched into a ponytail, she radiated a sense of purpose, of belonging here, to the hospital. A march from innocence to competence, immaturity to adulthood. A girl no longer. No longer a romantic that creeped him out and made him contemplate leaving Konoha a second time.

It made him glad.

Besides, he was supposed to at least try to be polite. It was part of the reformed international criminal shtick. Or so Kakashi had said.

(Not that his former mentor was the most reliable source of wisdom. Sasuke still vividly remembered being twelve and hearing about Shinobi Rule Number Forty-Two: Always Carry Condoms.)

Folding her hands behind her back, Sakura grinned.

"It's no problem," she chirped, and he contemplated again, how she was not ground down by the burdens that maturity had surely placed upon her shoulders. They had grown up before her, and it had taken a toll on them. Yet transition, for her as far as he could see, had not been taxing. This sudden insight into her own mind and its workings, this curious (and welcome) abandonment of obsession had taken nothing, had cost nothing.

Compared to the other members of Team Seven she had less power to her name, but in the sterile confines of the hospital Sasuke was on her territory. She seemed to relish it, this display of finally being of some use.

"Just remember that if you have any problems with it you come and see me right away. Don't try and ignore it like some stupid forgetful muscle head, or I'll have to put an entirely new one on. Naruto almost got to the point a few times, and it's not pretty to have to fix."

"Hn," he said. He wasn't Naruto, so it was really unneeded, but Sasuke found the admonishment almost… praiseworthy. The light in her eyes was clinical, despite the bubbliness to her voice.

They had all wised up in their ways. Sakura had become one of Konoha's premiere medical professionals and a famous kunoichi in her own right. She had got over him and got down to work. Sasuke had finally overcome the haze of anger and the inferiority complex that had dogged him for years. And Naruto…

Naruto was on the roof of the hospital, his chakra throbbing anxiously in the corner of Sasuke's mind like a flickering fire. Something was troubling Sasuke's pseudo-brother, and he supposed it was probably his job to go find out what. That was what friends did, the Uchiha supposed.

"Oh, by the way, Sasuke…" clipped, business-like tones that brooked no argument, and a crisp prescription note was shoved into his right hand, with the detachment of a doctor doing her job. Cocking an eyebrow at the sudden gesture, Sasuke flipped over the card.

"My dear, beloved, sun and stars and moon and everything beyond, Sasuke-kun," it said,

Sasuke blinked. That did not…seem like a prescription. Yet, he soldiered on, just in case he was mistaken.

"I want your body. I shall be you, and you I, and we shall be one. There will be no end to our one-ness and no beginning. Give me your body. Take me as I take you, and let our love be etched across the pages of history in the fluids of fluent, violent lovemaking. Give me your body, give me your babies to bear…" It ended there, the last eight words a shaky scribble. A cluster of fluids- blood from a nosebleed, and drool, he assumed (he refused to think of anything else, he did not want his mind broken)- had turned the note wet, and red.

And for a moment, just a moment, he was back with Orochimaru, the creep screaming, "Your body, Sasuke-Kun! Your body, it is mine!" pale face burning with desperate desire, and a lust for life.

He looked up, slightly shaken, and Sakura was still watching him with that clinical detachment.

"Well?" she asked, sounding almost bored. But he could she the quiver of her legs, her lips, and the eager tilt of her body like a predator waiting to pounce.

"Hn." He took half a step away from her. Then another. And then, Sasuke yanked up the window and jumped out, every movement the epitome of lordly refinement and dignity. He was not running away, no sir. This was just a strategic retreat. Even S-ranked former international criminals and demigods were entitled to such things from time to time. His honor was intact.

Naruto ran his bare hand through the spikes of his short-cropped blond hair, blue eyes crinkling as he scanned the horizon again. He didn't see anyone, but even without relying on his emotion sensing Naruto knew that they were there. That she was there, veins bulging around her white eyes as she peeped on him.

It wasn't paranoia if they were actually out to get you.

Crossing the shingled hospital roof once more, Naruto dug his fingers beneath the cloth of his hitai-ate and pulled the sweat soaked band off his head. The winter wind was biting at the exposed skin of his neck and the bare tips of his fingers, but the blond couldn't help but perspire anxiously.

Just for a little while, he needed to get away. Which was why he decided to stalk Sasuke to the hospital before his best friend could slip by and disappear on the 'journey of redemption' the Uchiha liked to blab about.

"What are you doing here, usuratonkachi?"

Naruto turned on his heel, blinking at the oddly greyed out colour haunting Sasuke's face before dismissing it. The bastard probably just had low blood sugar. "Hey, Sasuke. What's up?" he laughed nervously, scratching at the back of his head with bandage wrapped fingers.

A silent beat passed where Sasuke just stared. Then the Uchiha blinked through his long bangs, left eye rippling purple into the concentric rings of the Rinnegan. Very carefully, Sasuke let his gaze rove from the crown of Naruto's head to the tips of the jinchuuriki's toes.

"What are you planning?" he demanded suspiciously.

Naruto scowled. "Nothing! Can't I just stop by and say hello? Not all of us are bastards like you." The defensive tone was accompanied by Naruto folding his arms over his chest and jutting his chin out. Oddly enough, the display of aggressive stubbornness seemed to settle Sasuke, since the blazing violet of his left eye faded away.

"Tch."

Drawing folds of his brand-new cloak that he'd bought to replace his worn poncho tight around his throat, Sasuke turned away. A handful of leaps brought him across the crouching buildings of Konoha's slowly expanding metropolis and to the borders of the Naka River.

"What are you doing?" Naruto prodded as he flickered into existence next to the Uchiha, his sudden burst of speed probably sending his various watchers into a confused flurry as they realized that they had lost sight of their target.

"Going for a swim," Sasuke replied sarcastically.

Punching Sasuke in the lower back, right over the kidney, Naruto smirked triumphantly as Sasuke shot him an impressively vile glare over his shoulder. Served him right for refusing to answer simple questions like a normal well-adjusted citizen. "You heading back out soon?"

The atmosphere of prickly friendship and banter drained away like old dishwater being sucked down the drain.

Sasuke kicked at the light layer of powdery snow that covered the ground, his dark eyes staring absently at the frost rimed surface of the river his cousin had supposedly died in all those years ago. "Yeah."

"Alright."

Shoving his hands in the pocket of his black winter coat, Naruto chewed the inside of his cheek and hesitated. Once he asked, he couldn't take it back without looking like some kind of indecisive asshole. Did he really need to go that far just because everyone was looking at him with annoying expectations after the fight with Toneri?

"I'm gonna go with you this time."

Sasuke stopped dead at that, frowning slightly as he turned in place to meet Naruto's azure gaze squarely. "Why?" he asked, the expression on his face mingling bafflement and worry. They might have been best friends, but the two of them inhabited very different worlds. Sasuke was the wanderer, drifting back into town from time to time to tend to his hardy roots. Naruto was the rock that centered their entire peer group. Sasuke belonged on the road, Naruto belonged in Konoha.

Suggesting otherwise was almost a violation of the natural order.

"I just…" Naruto's hands wiggled in his pocket, seized by the vague desire to just move and properly convey the agitation that had sunk into the base of his skull. "I'm not trying to be an asshole, but I just need to get away for a bit, you know? Everyone always has these expectations like I'm supposed to be this big shot that can solve everything from world peace to the question of what to do with your cheating wife. On top of that, ever since I went up to kick Toneri's ass they're all asking me when I'm getting married. I'm not even dating Hinata!"

Tilting his head, Sasuke digested that. "So, you're running away from your fangirl?"

Naruto spluttered, glowering at the suggestion that Uzumaki Naruto ever ran away from anything. "I'm not running away, asshole! I'm just looking for a vacation. We saved the world. I saved it twice. Everyone is finally working together for a better future. I've spent years studying under Kaka-sensei to be the next Hokage. Why can't I have a couple of months where I just relax and see the world before I become Hokage and find a girl to get married to? I'm nineteen, not thirty. Let's live a little."

"Fine."

"And another thing – eh?"

"You can come." Sasuke shrugged. If Naruto was sincere about his desire for a vacation, it wasn't Sasuke's business to stop him. If the blond really wanted to go, he'd go with or without the Uchiha. And it might be… nice to have some company that wasn't the long road or the winding wind.

Then a thought occurred to Sasuke.

"Just so you know, we're not stopping at any brothels."

"What? I never went to any places like that. Maybe you did, but I'm not some dirty perv." Naruto's entire face was scrunched up in indignation and embarrassment at the suggestion. Honestly, him going to some titty bar. Who the hell did Sasuke think he was?

"I have my doubts, O pupil of the Toad Sage."

It was he that had received a blood-stained love note on a napkin. He, Uchiha Sasuke. It was him that should have been in hiding. It was him that should have been panicking, packing his bags and preparing to bid a pleasurable good-bye to Konoha. Good-bye, and good riddance.

He was the calmer of the two.

"We…are to tell no one?"

Naruto had shaken his head frantically. "Not one word. I want to leave this place alive. I want my freedom."

The journey to Naruto's house had been straightforward. Naruto had packed quickly, thrown in a hundred of his terrible tracksuits, and they were done. The journey after, though…

He seemed to have some reservations with regard to being seen. Sasuke could not understand. He did not want to. They had taken to hiding behind lamp posts, scampering around street corners, tossing smoke bombs and tip toeing around the created smoke screens (uncaring of the people wheezing around them), creating clones to misdirect and to throw off pursuit as Naruto had put it, and resorting to speeds that would have put Kaguya and her ilk to shame.

And at the moment, they were glued to a wall and covered in a tattered bedsheet, sweaty bodies pressed uncomfortably close together- arm in arm, legs in a tangle; invisible to the world, unable to meet each other's eyes, understanding each other's inevitable shame at what was half a step short of spiritual incest. Sasuke was reminded of Sakura's talks of oneness, and unbidden, a shiver ran down his spine.

"Why the fuck are we doing this to ourselves?" Sasuke whispered, furiously.

"Diversion. Distraction. A desire to live, and not be a sperm bank for Konoha's next generation."

"You're Hokage in training. Order them to leave you alone."

Naruto smiled, and there was a certain sadness to it, "You don't know my life."

And despite the sweaty tangle and the indignity of the position that they were in, Sasuke felt a sliver of sympathy for Naruto. He decided then, that the next time he wished to take over the world and kill everyone in it, he would take Naruto along too. The blond looked weary. And nothing reinvigorated the soul like (vengeance... a good killing spree)...peace… and talks of friendship and brotherly love.

"All clear. Keep up, bastard," Naruto said, and he tore off the bedsheet and took to his feet again. Sasuke followed, though he was still unsure what they were running from, or where they were running to. His plan had been to traverse through the elemental nations first, and then, if that did not suffice, to dimension hop in search of clues on threats greater than Kaguya. He hoped that they could continue with that, but having Naruto in the mix had the potential to alter things a touch.

Things were altered far sooner than he had hoped.

They hopped from rooftop to rooftop, frantic, each step bringing them oh so close to freedom. But then they were spotted. While atop the Hyuuga mansion. Not by the guards. Not by ANBU. Not by the Kage himself. Not even by Sakura or his legions of fangirls that still hoped for…something, and that, for some reason, would not leave him alone. No. No. This was far worse.

Hyuuga fucking Hinata.

When she spotted them, creeping towards the gates of Konoha like two thieves in the night, she blushed and waved. And Naruto, squeamish and somewhat pale, waved back. In retrospect, everything that would happen after, every single fucking thing, was Naruto's damn fault.

As Naruto began to wave, Sasuke experienced a sinking sensation. Creeping dread. Dawning hopelessness. Horrors were about to be unleashed. A far greater burden than saving the world a third time. He tugged at Naruto's sleeve, trying to get him to stop and stave off the sense of imminent damnation.

But the perspiring blond, in his haste to escape and his happiness at being so near freedom, so close to leaving behind the curse of matrimony, did not just shake off Sasuke and continue to wave; he blew her a kiss.

She blushed beet red, brought a shaky hand up to her hair, and then tipped backwards in a dead faint.

And then every single eye in the compound swiveled their way, pinning them, arresting them, freezing them on the spot with a hundred creepy eyed glares. And creepy eyed glares reminded Sasuke of his clan, and the clan of clan restoration, and clan restoration of how he too would soon be auctioned off like a prized pig - cushy, fat, and comfy - to a slaughterhouse.

Soon he too would be expected to have a hundred replicas of himself - shorter, cuter, chubbier, less murderous to the village and more so to enemies - running around. Suddenly, Naruto was not alone in his war; this war against being turned into a factory for mini war hero production. And Sasuke knew, he just knew, that he would have to fight his way out if he wanted to preserve his honour and what remained of his dignity.

So he made the mistake of glaring right back, Rinnegan in one eye, Eternal Mangekyo in the other.

That, too, was a mistake.

As one, they gasped and drew back; horrified. At once, Naruto gasped and hid behind him, horrified.

"The Uchiha," someone screamed, "He has turned the Hokage in training against us and the heiress! Against Konoha!"

At once two hundred eyes turned back to him, taking a measure of him.

"I did nothing," Sasuke insisted, feeling a sudden need to defend himself. "Nothing!"

A second's silence. A moment's peace. And then a hundred weapons were drawn and pointed at him.

It went downhill from there.

Their cover blown, they rushed to the gates, a hundred Hyuuga in tow. The ANBU joined in moments later, then the Akimichi and the Aburame, and then the Inuzuka. The Nara saw them blaze past and then returned to their slumber, uncaring either way. And in minutes, a rumour had made its way through Konoha, tearing through quicker than they could scramble to the gates, that Uchiha Sasuke was up to his old tricks again. That being nice had been a ploy on his part to get his hand back, and that he had turned the Hokage in training against them.

Naruto had protested his innocence, their innocence, but no one listened to what they had now taken to calling the Uchiha fuck puppet.

"I told you not to wave," Sasuke said, still calm but with the hysteria slowly building. After he got out of this place, he would first kill Naruto and then re-assess his stance on world peace. People this stupid did not deserve freedom.

Naruto was near tears. He ducked under a volley of Kunai and said: "I swear I'll do anything. Anything you say, Sasuke. Just get me out of here."

"Where?"

"Anywhere in the nations! I'll even lend you my chakra. Just get us the hell outta here!"

The gates were near. They had loomed into view now, but Kakashi stood before them, arms raised. Perhaps to kill them, perhaps to talk things out, and perhaps, to stop Naruto from getting away. Sasuke did not care. If Naruto wanted out, Sasuke would make damn sure he got it.

The Rinnegan swirled, he reached out and gabbed Naruto's hand. It was nearly done. They would be in Iwa in half a-

And then Naruto added his own chakra to the technique, and Sasuke turned, furious. To shout, to tell him that he was overpowering it, to tell him to stop…

They vanished, leaving behind a mob of baffled morons, and Kakashi, still holding up his hands in peace.

(A/N-Glacious): I'm just…so sorry. We are degenerates. By the time we are done, we expect to end up on several international watchlists. Also, uh, if you have read this and have nothing better to do, check out my stories, maybe? See ya next time.

(AN - White): 3200 words. This is … wel,l you will see. Right now it's just Naruto and Sasuke avoiding marriage, but the road to hedonism is long…

"There's no one left to fuck, Sasuke!" Naruto said, hysteria colouring his tone, eyes as dead as his deflating erection.

"We can either rob the cradles...or the graves." Sasuke's Rinnegan glowed in the dark. "It's time to put my gift to good use."

And thus Konan was reborn.