AN: From JJ's POV, but I never specify that, so it can be from anyone. It's weird, just FYI. Please read and review. Thanks:
Trapped. It is the best and only way you know how to describe what you are going through right now. Trapped.
You can think of numerous other adjectives to describe what is going on, what is happening, but of all of the ones you have in mind, trapped stands out the best. It illustrates exactly what you are feeling, how you are feeling, everything.
Trapped. A simple word yet, right here, right now, it conveys so much meaning.
You are trapped in a dark hell, one that is all encompassing. You have no way out- although you have tried your damndest, there is no escape, and no chance of escape. There is no escape, no freedom. You are trapped.
And as much as you hate to admit it, you are terribly frightened. You are scared of the unknown, of what is to come. And when you ask, all you get is a shrug, a "maybe," or an "I don't know." Nobody can provide you with any answers, leaving you even more fearful. And again, you are trapped in the fear.
You are trapped in isolation. Completely cut off from anyone remotely going through what you are. Sure, you have contact with a few other people, but like hell you will ever show them your fear. No, absolutely not. Of that, you are 100% certain. Nobody needs to know your thoughts on this, especially them.
And so, as it has become routine, you steady yourself, and dry your cheeks, and put on your brave face. You gave up on the happy face a long time ago, but settled for brave. Yes, you could use your brave face today. At least that's what you had decided when you woke up.
But as the day grows older, your brave facade begins to fade and you have to replace it with something else, you just do not know what. Happy has no place, and now, neither does bravery.
The only other thing you can do, and now almost without any thought, is simply go numb. You don't allow yourself to feel anything. No feeling, no emotions, no nothing. And when they talk to you, you force a smile and nod- not really hearing what they are saying.
You zone out, and you have become damn good at it. It would be a superpower if it had any real life use- except it doesn't. And instead, once again, it leaves you trapped.
And as you look around you, at your friends, at your team, at your office and see the pictures of your son, you smile. Again.
You are trapped. You are trapped in your own mind, in your own world and there is no escape from this. For how can you run from yourself? How is it that you can chase the most vile monsters on earth but are downright terrified of yourself? Of who you are, of the thoughts that race through your mind, of your memories, of… well, of you.
How is it that even though, you are free to do as you please, you are trapped? Unable to escape your mind, yourself? How do you survive when you are trapped within yourself? And the answer, you find, is simple. You may be trapped, miserable, but you have one thing that no amount of mental illness can ever take from you. You have love, you have it to give, and have it thrown upon you, and it might be the only thing that can set you free, so one day, you will no longer be trapped.