B is for Blame
Pairings: Jess/Becker
A/N: Pre-series 4 fic. It's really annoyed me that they've barely mentioned Sarah this series and this just seems to fit with the webisodes. The (/\/) symbol means it's a new scene) Reference made to my other fic 'Disagreement'. Dedicated to Squabble and Kizza is a RIOT (who asked me to write a Jecker fic)
Jess glanced at the clock on the wall opposite her. It was 1:00 am and she had spent the last three hours meticulously checking the anomaly detector for any lose wires. There hadn't been an anomaly alert for a couple of days and she was worried, but everything seemed to be perfect. Sighing she rubbed her eyes.
"Are you all right?"
Startled, Jess jumped, hitting her elbow on the edge of the table. Glancing over her shoulder, she tried to scowl but a small smile escaped, ruining the effect.
"I was before you showed up, Matt," she answered, as she rubbed her sore elbow.
He smiled sympathetically. "Sorry, I thought you'd heard me walk in."
"Still no anomalies?" Matt inquired, walking up to her.
"No nothing, I thought there was a problem with the machine but nothing."
"If there was a problem I'm sure you would've spotted it straight away you're the best computer genius I know".
"I'm the only computer genius you know."
"Even if I knew a thousand you'd still be the best," he replied, grinning at her.
Jess couldn't help smiling in response but alarm bells sounded in her head, she narrowed her eyes slightly. "Flattery. You want something."
Matt pulled what he clearly hoped was his best innocent face. "Can't I pay you a compliment without you treating it suspiciously?"
"Let's just say I have a finely tuned BS meter, so you either need some tech fixed or" she continued before Matt could protest, "you must need a favour."
Matt rolled his eyes in response. "Fine, I need a favour, but you're still the best computer tech I know."
"What's the favour, Matt?"
"It's Becker," Matt said leaning against the table.
"What's wrong?"
"He and Sarah were close and we think-"
"We?"
"Lester and I think he might be heading for some kind of break down."
Jess was suddenly more alert. "How did you reach that conclusion?"
"He's pushing himself to the limit. I doubt he's left the ARC at all this week. He insists on being present while the new security systems are installed, and he checks that the ones that have been installed are working properly every couple of hours."
"Does Philip know?"
"Not yet, we're all covering for Becker."
"Well you're the new team leader, have you tried to get him to talk to you about Sarah?"
Matt grimaced. "Tried and failed. He told me to ... well let's just say the edited version is get lost."
"How about suggesting he goes to the grief counsellor?"
"I'm trying to avoid getting shot."
Jess let out an exasperated sigh. "Why did you come to me?"
"You honestly don't know?" he asked sarcastically.
Her eyes widened in shock as realisation dawned. "You want me to talk to him?"
"Wow, brains and beau-"
"Stop it. Why me?"
"He won't hit a woman."
"Matt, what makes you think he'll listen to me?"
Matt gave her an enigmatic smile. "Just a hunch."
"Fine, I'll do it but if he doesn't listen I reserve the right to say I told you so."
His smile widened. "Deal."
"Where is he?"
(/\/)
Jess took a deep breath and opened the door.
Becker looked up from a computer displaying an error message. "Still here?" he asked, in surprise.
"Just double checking something. You?"
"Making sure the new security cameras are working properly,"
"You're good with computers, this computer is supposed to display CCTV footage of the car park but instead it started displaying this error message about ten minutes ago. Could you take a look?" Becker got up and moved to the next chair.
Jess sat down, her fingers flew over the keyboard and in a few minutes the CCTV picture had been restored.
"You're a genius," Becker said smiling.
"Buy me something expensive and we'll call it even," Jess replied returning his smile. As she looked at him she noticed small imperfections in his usually immaculate appearance, things that were only noticeable close up like how his hair was slightly dishevelled and he had stubble on his cheeks. Her smile faded a little.
"What's wrong?" Becker asked.
"Nothing," she replied looking away. Becker's expression became more guarded.
"Has Matt been talking to you?"
"He's worried about you, and so am I."
"There's nothing to worry about, I'm fine," Becker said defensively, pushing his chair away from hers.
"Then why don't you go home and get some rest?" she challenged. Becker didn't reply. "Look if you don't talk to me about what's going on with you-"
"You'll what?" he challenged.
"I'll go to Lester and make him force you to take sick leave."
Becker crossed his arms and scoffed. "God when did you become such a …"
"A what?"
"Nothing."
"No, go on, a what?"
"A manipulative bitch."
"Well, if I have to guess, I'd say it was about the same time you became an emotionally repressed bastard." Jess knew Becker was on the verge of walking out of the room and the only thing stopping him was her threat of telling Lester.
It was time to try a different tactic.
"Fine, don't talk, listen. Matt told me you and Sarah were close, but it's unfair to blame yourself for Sarah's death."
Becker looked away from her and his face took on an expression of such vulnerability that she almost wanted to beg him to tell her what was going through his head at that precise moment. He blinked, and in that split second his expression returned to the guarded one from before.
Jess remained quiet, waiting for his answer.
"We got split up, I should have been with her." It sounded like something a sulky teenager would say, instinctively she knew he was covering for something else, however out of fear that he would walk out if she forced him to talk about it, she didn't press the issue.
"But you weren't," Jess stated.
"I'm aware of that too," Becker replied, obviously irritated.
"No-one blames you, you were injured," Jess said more kindly.
"I shouldn't have let her come with me, she'd still be-" Becker said looking down.
Jess shook her head. "There's no way of knowing that, you'll drive yourself mad if you keep thinking about it. Stop pushing yourself so hard and let people help you."
Becker remained silent, but Jess knew he was taking in what she was saying.
"The worst thing that could possibly happen has happened - we can't change it no matter how badly we want to, all that's left is to continue Sarah's work." Jess thought about reaching out to put a reassuring hand on his arm but she doubted he'd accept the comfort.
"We will find Abby, Connor and Danny," she added, making Becker look at her.
"I really hope you're right."
They sat in silence together for a while.
"Tell me about Sarah," she said gently.
"Why? Because it's therapeutic and it will help me to heal?"
"No, because I didn't know her and I want to hear stories about what she was like before I joined the ARC."
"Aren't you tired?" Becker asked.
"I'm used to pulling all-nighters. Unless you're tired"
"I can go for a couple of days without sleep. What do you want to know?"
"Tell me about working out in the field with her."
The memory brought a smile to Becker's lips. "She would always rush head first into trouble, once I literally had to pick her up and carry her away from danger."
"Really? I bet she wasn't too happy about that."
"No, she bit me which made me drop her," Jess let out a surprised chuckle and the reaction elicited a small smile from Becker.
As she listened to Becker talk Jess couldn't help feeling proud that she had managed to get through to him, though she knew he would never admit it.