returning to hogwarts

by ginnys01

after the war harry potter left england, he lives his life elsewhere under a different name, when an accident happens at that school he and his friends end up going to hogwarts. will seeing the place where everything happened be too much? or will meeting his old friends proof to be too much? how will he manage returning to the place he hoped never to return to.

AN: I do not own any characters or places that you may recognise

Leaving the past behind

I left Hogwarts for a reason, I needed to get away from the past, have a new start. I guess the universe has always been against me and even now, it is still trying to ruin my life. When the war finished, I stayed at Hogwarts for a bit, to help the rebuilding, but nearly everywhere I went I saw people dying. I always ate in the kitchen, as I couldn't face the great hall, every time I walk through the door, I see rows of body's lying on the floor, mainly adults, but loads of children. The worst part is, that all the children I saw, I knew most of them: there were classmates from all houses, those who he taught in the DA, those who played quidditch and then those that were housemates. I knew less of the adults lying there, but the ones I knew hurt the most: Remus, Tonks and Fred. I knew them personally, they were not just people I knew, but they were family.

It isn't just the great hall, but everywhere where there was a battle, where someone fell, the hallway's I keep seeing people fall down, the big lawn where he called everyone when he thought I was dead, I can still feel and hear Hagrid sobbing as he carried me here, McGonagall screaming when she saw me, followed by everyone else as they saw me. I can still here Neville screaming as the sorting hat is put a light on his head.

After a week the Weasley's realised that I was struggling at hogwarts and they decided to go back to the burrow, taking me and Hermione with them. I went back to sharing a room with just Ron and Hermione went back to sharing with Ginny. It was weird being back as last time we were here we ended up leaving, running during the middle of the gate-crashed wedding.

Unfortunately it wasn't just certain places that caused me to get flashbacks, but also certain words or acts. I couldn't stand seeing fire, my mind used to go back to the room of requirements every time I saw a fire. Every time someone made an unexpected move, called my name or dropped something, I jumped and had my want out and halfway through a spell before I even realised, I was safe, I was thankful that my go to spell was expelliarmus, or there would have been more injuries at the start. I wasn't sleeping, because every sound caused me to wake up, thinking I was being attacked. By Wednesday lunchtime I had decided something needed to change, I couldn't keep going without sleep and as much as I loved the Weasley's, I wouldn't be able to recover here. I needed peace and quiet and as bad as I felt over it, I needed to focus on myself, something that just wasn't possible at the Weasley's.

I managed to find Bill that afternoon for a chat, I needed to know what was going on with the goblins and hoped he would be able to help me. I decided to be honest with bill about what had happened at the bank, I told him about the plans we made while we were at his place, about the break in and t how we escaped on the dragon, but I also told him why we did it. I had to make sure that he understood that it wasn't something that we could have left or ignored. Doing that had enabled us to win the war. I asked him for advice, how to approach the goblins, how to make sure that I could enter the bank without the goblins attacking me, I told him I was planning on leaving the Weasley's as soon as I had somewhere to stay, but for that I needed to know what I owned. Bill wasn't too happy that I was planning on leaving, but he understood and said he would try and help, but I wasn't expecting a letter the next day from the bank, saying that I had a meeting with them to discuss the incident.

I was unsure of what to think of the letter, so once again I found myself looking for Bill. I was lucky that he didn't have anything to do the next day, so he decided to come with me. We left for the bank early the next morning, so we arrived 10 minutes before we were expected. After telling them we were there, they had us wait. Apparently with goblins you always make sure you get there 5 to 15 minutes before the meeting time. Arriving at the exact time, indicated that you were busy before with things that were more important to them, so you weren't prepared if something happened, if you arrived more than 15 minutes early, it shows that you are impatient and that you expect them to work to your schedule instead of you to theirs.

However, this didn't mean that the goblins would be as punctual. if a goblins previous meeting finished early, they could start your meeting early and expect you to be there, if you weren't then you were late, however if their previous engagement ran late, you were expected to wait. If you complained or left because they were late, it showed that you did not respect them.

Bill told me that arriving 10 minutes early was the best to aim for, as it gave time both sides. If you aimed to be there 15 minutes early but travelled quicker than expected you would be too early, it worked the same the other way, aim to arrive only 5 minutes early, but get slowed down, you are late. He also warned me that we could be waiting a long time, but not to look at my watch. Have it visible, so they know that I'm aware of the time, but don't look, because that makes you seem impatient. He warned me that the wait normally could be up to an hour, but in my case, it could be longer as they are not happy with me and they will want to test how serious I am.

It was important that you brought the right stuff with you to a meeting. This was usually a case with all previous papers received from the bank and any paper you might need for the upcoming discussions, this could include any questions that you did not want to forget to ask. The only other thing you were allowed was a bottle of water and some food. But food was tricky, because if you brought a sandwich and ate it to early, it was seen as if you were saying, I've been sitting here to long, but if you only had snacks even when it came to lunchtime you were seen as not being prepared for a wait if something happened.

My appointment was at 9 o'clock, and as we waited, Bill and I went over what to expect from the conversation. We looked through the pieces of paper that I had with proof and put everything in the correct order, if I got anything else out, it would have said the meeting wasn't important enough. originally, I was going to do nothing, but bill warned me that I wouldn't be able to last too long without looking at my watch or wishing I had brought something. Especially as the goblins would be testing me. At 12.30 Bill indicated it would be a good time to have lunch, as the goblins tend to not start any meeting between 12.30 and 14.00 so that can have their lunch break on time.

It was four o'clock before the welcoming: "we're ready to see you Mr Potter" came. I nodded my had, picked up my stuff and followed the goblin trusting Bill to follow me. The room we were led to had a small table, with a goblin on one side and two empty chairs on the other side, I could see other goblins around at the edge of the room, obviously they weren't trusting me yet, but I who would blame them, I had after all broken in and robbed something out of one of the vaults.

"please be seated Mr Potter, Mr Weasley. You requested a meeting to discuss the break in on May the 1st, during which you stole an artefact out of the vault belonging to Bellatrix Lestrange, and a dragon which was used to cause damage to the building on the way out. I also understand that you wish to be informed of what you own, so that you can make further decisions about your life." The goblin looked at me and I nodded my head in agreement. "we shall take each item in turn and discuss how we shall deal with each item individually. Let's start with the item obtained from the vault belonging to the late Bellatrix Lestrange."

"so we are in an agreement, your vaults shall be merged into one vault, after which we shall take out the agreed amount. You are further banned from this branch of Gringotts for the next 15 years. Your vault will not gain any interest until this period is over, you may access your money from any other branch at their discretion. You have 15 minutes to pack up all your papers and leave the building." With that the goblin got up and left the room. The meeting had lasted well over two hours and we now had all the papers, including the list of items and properties that I owned, to pack so we could leave. I hoped I still had enough money in my trunk at the Weasley's for anything I may need until I could find a Gringotts branch that would allow me entry.

Dinner was already being served when Bill and I arrived back at the Burrow. "there you are, we were wondering where you had gotten to?" Mrs Weasley half stated, half asked.

"sorry Mrs Weasley, I needed to sort stuff out at the bank and Bill helped me out with the goblins." I turned to look at Hermione and Ron to add: "you guys might want to go and talk to them sooner rather than later, they weren't too happy. Just remind them that the cup has been returned to them." Hermione gave me a look as if she didn't believe that I had gone to the bank, without discussing it with them, but before she could open her mouth, Bill changed to topic. We didn't say anything about the house we checked out between leaving the bank and arriving at the burrow, that would stay between Bill and me.

That evening I went to my room to pack, I told everyone I needed some time to go through the papers I had gotten from the bank, that I needed to sort them. but I didn't look through them, I packed instead. I had a place where I could go, and I was planning on leaving the following morning before anyone got up.

It was as I was leaving the burrow that I realised, just how much I would miss it. I looked back one last time and apparated away, before anyone woke up, before anyone could see me. I knew that if someone saw me, they would try and stop me and most likely I would stay, just so that they wouldn't be hurt. But I had to do this for me, so I could be someone different then Harry Potter, the-boy-who-lived or the-boy-who-defeated-he-who-must-not-be-named, or whatever other ridicules name they would come up with. Bill had probably seen me go, but he knew and understood, he had helped me get everything sorted.

The house that I moved into was in a muggle neighbourhood, with everything I needed close by. I went muggle at that point, my wand was in a wand holster on my leg, but I never used it. by putting it on my leg I could get to it quickly, but I wouldn't grab it on instinct and attack a muggle by accident. Once I was installed, I went to the doctors. It had been two weeks since the battle, but I hadn't seen a healer, and I still wasn't sleeping well. As the doctor couldn't find any information on me and saw the bruises I had, he insisted on a full check-up, luckily, I didn't need a hospital.

My dreams were still full of nightmares, I kept seeing people that died, blaming me for killing them, if only I had killed Voldemort sooner, he wouldn't have killed them. The worst ones were where it was mum, dad, Sirius and Remus. My parents kept telling me they had died for me, I should have finished him sooner, not let so many more people die. Sirius kept telling me that I was stupid, that he died because I hadn't listened and learned occlumency. Remus agreed with them, he had tried teaching me, but I wouldn't listen if I had trained harder, practiced harder less people would have died.

After that more people would turn up and depending on who it was or which dream it was, they would either blame me for not teaching them enough to survive, or for teaching them at all, because if I hadn't taught them, they wouldn't have believed that they knew enough to fight. So when I went to the doctors the week after for my results it showed, and the doctor spotted it immediately. I had already mentioned that I had trouble with nightmares and after confirming that the nightmares were the cause of lack of sleep, he suggested that I get a counsellor to talk to.

It took me a week to find a counsellor, but when I found someone who didn't start by asking me question, or by sitting and waiting for me to speak, I knew I could work with him. He started by teaching me a card game as he thought that might make me relax, he taught me a game that we played together and we didn't talk a lot that session, but it gave me a place where I started to feel save, he also thought me a game that I could do on my own, to calm my mind in the evenings. My session with Mark lasted an hour, and at the end not a lot of talking had been done, but I felt a lot better. Mark was a person who I could talk to, without being the-boy-who-lived. It felt nice having someone to talk to that didn't know me from before and even though it was his job, it made me feel less like a person who had to live up to expectations, but more like a normal teenager, who had his life in front of him to do what he wanted.

My second session with Mark, gave an improvement. We started of the same as the week before, by playing cards, but we added in some conversation. It was simple, we take turns in asking questions, and the person answering can choose to answer or skip the question, if you skip the other person askes a new question. If you answer, they have to answer to. It did two things. It made the questions easy and light, as neither were going to ask questions they didn't want to answer and there was a way out of the question if you didn't want to answer it. the questions started easy and superficial:

"what is your favourite colour?"

"white"

"blue"

"favourite day of the week?"

"Friday"

"Monday"

"left or right- handed?"

"right"

"left"

"Age?"

"48"

"17"

"Favourite method of transport?"

"train"

"bike"

But then there were some that were harder, or that brought back memories that I decided to skip such as: "what is your best friends name?", "what do your parents do for living?", "where did you go to school?" the session continued in such a way until 10 minutes before the end of the session.

"we're nearly finished for the day, but I want to go over one thing quickly before you go. Is that okay?"

I nodded my head, I didn't know what he wanted but I figured it was better to know then to wonder.

"the answer to one of the questions was that you would be leaving the country once you turn 18. Now if I remember correctly that is the end of July. Which means that we only have seven session left after this one. I do not know what has happened to you, and until I know what you're dealing with it is hard to say how many sessions you might need. Therefore, I would like to suggest having two session a week, so we have more time if it is needed. If it isn't needed, we can cancel sessions later." Mark waited for me to react and when I only nodded in agreement, he suggested Thursday for the next session.

Having sorted out the next appointment, I left to go back to the house. I liked this home, it was nice and quiet, but most importantly, it held no memories. It didn't cause me to have constant flashbacks. But I still didn't sleep properly, so I was constantly exhausted, and I didn't do a lot.

I got owls from loads of people, wondering where I was. Hermione and Ron, because they were worried. Andromeda, because she wanted to know what I wanted to do about Teddy. The teachers and helpers from the castle, wondering where I was, because they hadn't seen me helping. But the worst were the ministry and the reporters, the ministry wanted to reward me, call me a hero for killing Voldemort, but I only thought of those that died. I didn't see it as something that I needed a well done for, because the other option was to die and to be honest that was sounding as a better option most of the time, not having to deal with anything anymore. I would have peace and quiet, no more nightmares, people wouldn't keep asking me questions, expecting that I would be okay, because apart from the Weasley and Hermione, everyone wanted something, but not one of them thought to ask what I wanted or needed.

I needed peace and quiet to rest, to get better, but it seemed as if no one was willing to give me that. Especially the reporters, I got letter after letter asking for an interview. At first, I ignored them, but the letters kept piling up, In the end I decided to buy a shredder and I spent the day shredding all the letters I had got. The ones from the reporters I got rid of immediately, I didn't even open them, letters from people I didn't know, I quickly looked through, they were mainly people thanking me for saving them, I got rid of them to. The ones from people I knew I kept, but didn't reply, I would do that when I felt better, I sent one letter to the Weasley, saying I needed space and I would be in touch at a later date, but they kept sending them. I kept the letters, but I didn't read them after the second repeat, as they didn't contain anything new.

It took Hermione and Mrs. Weasley just under a month since my leaving the burrow, before they sent me a howler. I was furious with the howler, but in the end, it helped me. The howler had arrived 10 minutes before I was supposed to leave to go to my next meeting with my counsellor so when I got to the meeting, I was still very angry and vented it of onto Mark.

"Good morning, Harry. How are you today?"

"Bloody great. I wrote a letter to my friends saying I needed some time to get used to the fact that I killed the guy that killed my parents and loads of my friends, but they keep sending letters. I seem to be getting one letter a day per person and that's a lot of letters. The person who was supposed to protect us and catch the guy, keeps trying to push money on to me, for saving them and reporters keep wanting to talk to me. Why can't anyone just think about what I need or want!

Harry, you need to come home! Harry, you need to tell me where you are! Harry, why did you leave? Harry, stop acting like a child and come back! You shouldn't be out there on your own after everything that has happened. Harry, you need to let people know you are fine! Harry, tell Ron you'll be going back to school next year, because he wants to skip it and you really should finish of schooling!

I'm sick of it, why can't they leave me to decide. I spent a whole year, on the run from this guy, but when he finally caught up with me and I had to kill him, I'm not old enough to look after myself. Just because I didn't let him kill my class mates.

It's not as if I've never had to look after myself before. Were they interested when my aunt and uncle wouldn't feed me? No, they couldn't care less!"

With that I sat down in my usual seat.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't take it out on you. You're just trying to help"

"Don't worry about it, it's my job to listen and if this will help you open up and talk, it might be what we needed." Mark replied, not looking bothered at all.

"Now you said that you killed the guy that killed your parents? What else can you tell me about that?"

With that the session started. And it was this session that started me on my road of recovery. That session we mainly talked about my parents and how it affected my life. The weeks after we went into more details, about other friends that I lost, but also events that happened, the ones that gave me nightmares. We both came to the conclusion that it was a good thing that we had doubled the sessions, as we wouldn't have been able to cover as much if we hadn't.

When I got to my last counselling session, we had managed to cover most things and even thought that more sessions wouldn't hurt, I felt a lot better than I did two months ago when I started. Not only was I mentally feeling better, but also physically. I had started running, joined a gym, bought new clothes and gotten my glasses updated.

"As this is our last session together, I would like to make a suggestion. I would like it if you wrote a letter to those people who you are leaving behind and write what you feel you need to say. You don't need to send the letters, but you can if you want."

I nodded my head at the suggestion, it was something I agreed with. I wasn't sure yet if I would send them or not but writing them would be a start.

When I got home from my last counselling session, I started on the letters. I decided to start with the Weasley's. I went through the Weasley's starting with Mr. and Mrs. Weasley and made my way down to Ginny. I felt as this would be easiest as I would just be thanking the eldest, but I would have to explain things to Ron, Hermione and Ginny. I decided that I didn't know Charlie enough and didn't get along with Percy well enough to write either of them a letter.

It took me quite some time to get the letters finished, but I felt better once I did. I knew the counsellor said I didn't have to send them, but I was thinking about it. they deserved an explanation after all. I decided to reread the letters and if I was happy with them, I would send them.

Dear Mrs. And Mr. Weasley,

Thank you for being there're for me. It was always lovely to be at the burrow and I will miss it very much. You've always acted like parents to me and Mrs Weasley, I'll especially miss your food, it was always lovely. I'm sorry that I left the way I did, but I had to. I need to discover who I am, and that is not possible with the media following me around and everyone looking at me as the saviour. I will be looking to finish my education, but hogwarts holds to many memories for me to do so there.

Thanks for always being there and making me feel at home at the burrow every year.

Harry.

Dear Bill and Fleur

Thank you, for all the help, especially for supporting us during April, because of that help, we managed to end the war. So thank you and take care.

Harry,

P.S. Bill, thanks for helping me during the weeks that we stayed at the burrow.

Hi George,

Thanks for being a great big brother and friend to me and always made people laugh.

I'm sorry about Fred, but please don't stop the jokes. As your silent partner may I suggest you make a product to honour him and continue with the shop in honour of him, as it is what he would have wanted.

I have put a ward around me that will block all letters, except any coming from you. If you need anything, let me know and I will try my best to help.

Take care, stay strong and keep the world laughing.

Harry potter

P.S. please let me know if anything important happens.

Hi Hermione and Ron,

I'm writing your letter together as I know that you would read each other's letters anyway and what I have to say to both of you is the same.

I'm sorry for leaving the way I did, but I know that if I had said something, you would have talked me out of it. I hope that you'll understand why I left, and that you don't hold it against me. Before hogwarts, I was the bad boy of the neighbourhood, if something happened, I got blamed, not because I did it, but because that is how my aunt and uncle were. I was unloved and always over looked. When I came to hogwarts, my live changed, even though I got friends, I was always the-boy-who-lived. No matter what, the expectations were high, for no other reason than surviving and not dying. People didn't see me, harry potter, and whatever I did, it was always for others. I never got to figure out who I was, but now that the war is over, it is time for me to do that. I don't know when I'll be back, but when I've figured out who I am, I will be back.

Thank you both for being my friends for the past 7 years, I wouldn't have survived without both of you. I will miss you guys.

Love,

Harry.

Dear Ginny,

First of all, let me apologize for leaving again, I'm sorry, but I just can't continue as the saviour of the world. I need to find out who I am, and I need privacy for that. I don't know how long I will be gone for, but I don't want you to wait for me. I love you and every night when before going to sleep my last thought went to you, hoping you were okay. I hope you understand that I'm not leaving to get away from you, but to find out about myself. For the past 7 years I have been nothing but the boy who lived and it's time that I find out who that boy is, without any pressure. I don't know how long that will take, but if you find someone else during the time that I'm gone, please don't say no, because of me. I want you to be happy and if that happiness is found with someone else than I will be very happy for you. I don't know when I will see you next, but I hope when I do, you will be happy and will have forgiven me for leaving like this.

Ginny, be brave, be strong and be yourself. Don't change for anyone, because you are perfect the way you are.

Love,

Harry.

I decided that even though they were not perfect, they were good enough. if I tried to change them, or thought about it for too long, I would probably end up not sending any letter.

The next letter was the hardiest I had to write as it was for Teddy. Teddy wouldn't be getting the letter until his eleventh birthday, and so much could change between then. I wasn't planning on staying away that long, but I felt as if I had to leave a letter just to be on the save side.

I ended up with something that I felt would do:

Dear Teddy,

If everything went according to my wishes it is now your 11th birthday. So, let me start by saying happy birthday.

I don't know how much you've been told about me, but I hope your gran told you about your godfather. As I'm writing this letter, you are about 3 months old, and I'm planning on leaving the country. I don't know when I'll be back, but if you're reading this letter it means, that I have not yet been able to return to wizarding Britain. Feel free to write to me, I'll make sure that any letter from you can reach me.

I do not know what the future will hold for both of us but know that you are loved and that even if I'm not back, that I love you and miss you.

Lots of love,

Your godfather,

Harry

Of course, having written a letter for Teddy, I had to write one for Andromeda. This one was both hard and easy, easy because I didn't know her, but hard because I felt like I would disappoint her by leaving and ignoring my responsibility to Teddy.

Dear Mrs Tonks,

My condolences with the loss of you husband and daughter. Tonks was a good friend to have and she and Remus made me godfather of Teddy. I don't know if you have seen any of the Weasley since the end of the war, but in case you haven't I need you to know, that I've moved out and have been living on my own since mid-May. I have decided to leave the country, so that I can learn who I really am, but also to give me time to get over everything that happened.

During my deciding what to do, there was only one reason that kept me wanting to stay in the UK, and that's Teddy. But I also know that if I stayed just for Teddy, that I might come to hate myself and maybe even Teddy. I can't be a good godfather for Teddy, if I'm stuck living in the past, if I don't know who I am.

I have included a letter for Teddy with yours and even though I hope to be back before, if I'm not please give Teddy this letter when he turns 11. I have put a ward around me, to stop letters reaching me, but both you and Teddy are an exception and will be able to reach me.

Please keep me updated on how Teddy is doing and if you need anything, please let me know. I might not be able to be there for Teddy in person, but if there is anything else I can do, please let me know.

Please let Teddy know that I love him, and that I miss him.

Kind regards,

Harry Potter.

I hoped that she would understand. I also wrote I quick thank you and good bye note to Hagrid, Luna and Neville. I put all the letters in one big envelop and added a note to McGonagall. I put the letters at the front door. Tomorrow I would go and say bye to Mark and ask if he would mind posting the letters for me on Monday, after I had left.