FINAL FANTASY
Behind the Fantasy
"It's the biggest, longest, and most popular RPG series of all time, beating out such worthy contenders as Breath of Fire and Grandia, spawning countless spin-offs and one, albeit, disastrous movie... It's Final Fantasy."
Squall: I was honoured to accept the lead role of Final Fantasy VIII, I mean, who wouldn't be? The Final Fantasy series is, like, so incredibly amazing, huge in Japan and all over the world in countries such as America, Great Britain and Australia. And of course, I knew it would be a challenge. The script was, like, 900 pages long, but I felt I was up to it. You'll hear a lot of rumors from the other cast members of number 8 that I was only able to get through the script with the aid of drugs, but... they're all liars. Especially Quistis. That woman could lie for England, seriously.
Eiko: Oh yeah, I was super-psyched to be asked to appear in Final Fantasy IX. My friends at school were totally jealous, except Vivi, of course, 'cause he was asked to be in the game, too. But everyone else, they actually turned green with envy. True story.
Zell: To be approached by SquareSoft and asked to be in Final Fantasy, it's... it's an amazing experience. You know, just to be asked. And bein' in it, that's even better.
Tifa: Before I found fame in number 7 I was a penniless hooker, pleasing men for around thirty bucks an hour down on the mean streets of New York. And those were some rough, rough times, I can tell you. I felt cheap and dirty, and many times I considered ending it all. But after a chance meeting with the President of SquareSoft, I was offered a supporting role in number 7, playing a barhostess named Christina. I didn't like the name Christina - I thought it made me sound like a flousy - so I convinced Square to let me use my real name, and they agreed. But if it wasn't for Final Fantasy VII, I probably wouldn't even be here today. And even if I was still here today, I'd probably still be giving handjobs for twenty cents a minute.
Celes: Square and I had a mutual understanding: if I were to be in Final Fantasy VI, then I wouldn't have to appear in any nude scenes. Because that's what they wanted, you know. My first scene, the part where I'm in prison with those two guards, originally Square wanted those bozos to be gang raping me. I talked it over with Square, I said, "Look, there's no way I'm doing scenes of any nude or sexual nature." They offered me another five thousand dollars, but still, my mind was made up. I did not want to be portrayed in that way. So I told 'em, I said, "I either do this fully clothed like the rest of the cast, or not at all." So they said, "Fine." Which worked out perfect for me, because there was no way I was doing anything sexual. No other Final Fantasy character before me ever had to do sex scenes, so what on earth was so different about me? I was just a bunch of pixels, after all. It's not like I'd be anything special to look at. I told 'em to keep their nude scenes for the days when videogames could be done in polygons. But to this day, they still haven't pursued the nude thing any further. Guess they must have liked the cut of my jib. Either that, or my hot knockers. You know, I think you can still find a mock picture of those guards gang raping me somewhere on the Net. But don't worry, 'cause it's a fake.
"Final Fantasy began a long, long time ago, back on the old 8-bit Nintendo Entertainment System or NES, as it was known. In this age of the Mario brothers, Zelda and Metroid, Final Fantasy burst onto the scene, and made the biggest impression, at least in Japan, an RPG ever could."
Mario: (of the Mario Bros. fame) Final Fantasy, it was so warm. I remember Luigi and I used to play it every night after a hard days plumbing... Princess Toadstool. Mama mia!
Link: (of Zelda fame) Zelda was big at the time, but Final Fantasy offered so much more than just beating up orcs and stuff. We knew as soon as we set eyes on it, that this was something special, that would change the face of videogaming forever.
"Despite having an unnamed cast of characters, Final Fantasy charmed its way into many hearts."
Black Mage: Even though we had no real personality or distinguishing feaures, people couldn't get enough of us.
Warrior: Yeah, they'd lynch us in t'streets and hound us for t'autographs. And, hell, they didn't even know our names.
Thief: But they loved us. They knew who we were, regardless. We were the stars of the first Final Fantasy.
"With the immediate success of Final Fantasy, a sequel was born. This time, the characters were given identities and backgrounds."
Maria: I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, when SquareSoft came to me. They said I looked good in uniform, what they meant by that, I don't know. They asked me to come over to see them sometime, and the next day, I went to their head office in Japan. That's where Leon and I first met.
Leon: Square had told me they'd found someone who might make a good sibling for me, and when they told me it was a chick, I was, like, yeah, man.
Maria: Yeah, in fact, didn't we make out that first day on set?
Leon: Yeah, that's right. Oh, man.
"Final Fantasy II performed as good as, if not better, than the original. It was clear that Square was on to a real winner here with the Final Fantasy franchise. After number 2, came a third. And then, the series made the leap from 8-bit to 16-bit."
Butz: Taking the series to the Super Nintendo or SNES allowed for a much bigger, better Final Fantasy experience. The graphics were awesome, and being on a more powerful system allowed the games to be longer than ever before. And as the first person to star in one of the 16-bit games, it was incredible.
Kain: The 16-bit era, it was something, it really was.
Cecil: Yeah, by the time our time had come, the series was at an all time high.
Rydia: Pixels we were, but we looked fine.
Edge: Yeah, fine enough to screw.
Rosa: And the storylines had gotten much better, too. I think our storyline was probably one of the best.
Cecil: Yeah, and the fame that came with it, it was unbelievable. I actually had women wanting to make love with me.
Rosa: Yeah, and--what?!
Cecil: Don't worry, baby, I never actually let 'em.
Rosa: I should think not.
Terra: When Square told me that the hero of Final Fantasy VI would be female, I was completely taken back. And when they told me they wanted me to be that heroine, I fainted.
Locke: Yeah, that's true, I actually had to revive her. It was lucky I had a spare Phoenix Down on me at the time.
Terra: But although I was the first female Final Fantasy hero, I never let it go to my head, not even to this day.
Edgar: That's not true. Remember that catfight you and Yuna had last week?
Terra: (in a corridor with Yuna) Look, missy, you may be the new star of Final Fantasy X-2, but just remember this, I was there first, all right.
Yuna: Yes, I know, and I respect that.
Terra: Now listen, sister, don't you be forgetting I was the first female Final Fantasy heroine. So, just because you're flavour of the month now, don't be thinking you're better than me, okay.
Yuna: I honestly don't think I'm better than you. In fact, I'm a big fan of yours.
Terra: Oh, that does it! (slaps Yuna)
Edgar: If Edward and I hadn't stepped in, you'd have killed each other.
Terra: Oh, whatever.
"Then, in 1995, came the Sony PlayStation or PSone as it's now known. And it was then that SquareSoft decided to take Final Fantasy out of Nintendo, and onto Sony."
Red XIII: That was a good move, I mean... I personally don't think the Nintendo with its old fashioned cartridges could have been able to cope with this new era of Final Fantasy. Kudos to Square for opting for Sony.
"Final Fantasy VII arrived on the scene some years later, and blew gamers away with its stunning graphics and addictive gameplay. And with an awesome storyline to boot, it seemed Final Fantasy VII really managed to grab gamers' attention, and this time not just in Japan, but all over the world."
Cloud: We were just as surprised as anyone. We knew it was going to be big, but, hell, we didn't expect it to be that big.
Aeris: I had a lot of faith in the game. I'd been a fan of all the previous Final Fantasy games, and when I saw what this one was capable of, I knew it was destined for big things. It was just a shame I didn't make it through the whole game.
Cloud: Yeah, well, Sephiroth's to blame for that, isn't he?
Aeris: Let me tell you something about that death scene. You know, originally there was this whole side-quest at the end of the game that involved bringing me back to life somehow.
Cloud: Oh, I remember that.
Aeris: But because Square were in such a darn rush to get the game out to the public, the whole thing was scrapped. Which was a shame, 'cause I'd have loved to have been brought back. But, I guess in the end, the death of me did have a big impact, and shook the story up a bit.
Cloud: Yeah, and it allowed me and Tifa to make love under the Highwind, too.
Aeris: What?!
"Two more Final Fantasy games, 8 and 9 respectively, followed suite on the Sony PlayStation..."
Quistis: And people would spit on me in the street!
Dagger: We had no idea they were filming us in the shower!
"...before the series changed consoles again, this time moving onto the PlayStation 2 or PS2, with its tenth instalment."
Tidus: I had a ball. It was the funnest gig I'd had in years. And to be chosen as the star, wow.
Wakka: I was in the middle of doing some voice over work for the TV show Futurama when I got the call from Square, brudda. They said they really liked my character and I sounded exactly like the one they'd written in for the new game. When they said they wanted me to be in it, I was gobsmacked, ya.
Lulu: I'd actually worked on a Final Fantasy title before. I made a brief appearance in Final Fantasy VIII, as Edea. Yeah, it is hard to believe that that was me, but trust me, it was. Square enjoyed my performance so much, that they told me to come back for number 10, and play myself. At first I told them to get bent, but then I realised they'd said "play myself" and not "play with myself".
Rikku: I was a little weary about accepting the role in number 10, 'cause I thought I'd have to show my boobs at some point, on account of my stunning body and all. But Square decided to take out all the nude scenes they'd written, so then I felt I could take on the role. I think at one point they wanted me to commit incest with Cid, who plays my onscreen dad. But the thing is, he's also my real dad, so things got a little icky, and I kicked up one heck of a stink about that. It's strange though, 'cause my dad didn't seem to care.
"But then came disaster. After number 10, things took a turn for the worse for Square. Things first started to go horribly wrong with the arrival of the Final Fantasy movie, The Spirits Within."
Aki Ross: They were losing money. And by "they" I mean Square. The movie bombed at the box office, and things looked bleak. Really, really bleak. At one point, I think the company came close to being bankrupt.
"And to add insult to injury, Final Fantasy XI, the online version of the hit series, did little to break the bank, either."
Cid: (from FFVII) I'm telling ya, things were #@£$%^&* hectic at Square around the time that damn movie flunked, and that online crap hit the stores. They wanted everybody to pull together, and chip in to stop the company from going broke. I had to give 'em my friggin' life savings for God's sake. And I had to quit smoking too, 'cause I could never afford to buy the #@£$%^&* things. Jeez, that pissed me off.
Dagger: In the end, I had to bail Square out by writing them a check for twenty grand, at least I think it was twenty grand, it could've been more. My account was bled dry, but Square was back on track, and had enough money to stay afloat. For the time being.
Rikku: They were frantic. What with the losses the movie and the online game were making, Square had to think fast in order to avoid going under. So they approached Yuna and me to appear in the first ever true sequel to a Final Fantasy game, Final Fantasy X-2.
Yuna: They told me I'd be the lead star, and I'd be paired up with Rikku and a new character called Paine.
Tidus: I thought the idea of a Final Fantasy X sequel without me in the lead role was ludicrous. I didn't want any part in the game if I couldn't be the star. But Square offered me a million dollars, and I soon changed my tune.
Wakka: They wanted us all back. Me, Lulu, Kimahri, Cid. I didn't know at first, I mean although the money was good, I had worries that the sequel might crap on the original a bit, but then they told me I'd be romantically linked with Lulu, and that we'd get to do some saucy sex scenes, and so then I was in, brudda.
Lulu: I wasn't comfortable with some of the risky scenes, but sex sells, basically, and Square really needed this to sell. If this flunked, they'd be on their last legs.
"Luckily for Square, the brilliant sequel didn't flunk. Although yet to be released in North America and the UK, the game has enjoyed phenomenal success in its home of Japan, putting an end to all those worries that the Final Fantasy series was in danger of losing its grip on the fans."
Rikku: The game's been massive in Japan, and it should be just as big worldwide when it's eventually released. And what's more, the guys and I had a blast doing it. And when I say "guys" I mean Yuna and Paine, and when I say "doing it" I mean the game. God, there were so many ways you could misinterpret that line. Well, maybe just the one way, but it's a relief that I've cleared it up.
"One of the most successful stars to come out of Final Fantasy was Cloud Strife, the hero of number 7. Not only did he star in what's critically acclaimed the best of the series, he also found fame in Square's beat 'em up Ehrgeiz: God Bless the Ring."
Cloud: ...and who the hell came up with the bright title God Bless the Ring? That sounded like an awesome gig, but it turned out to be complete carp. Sure, Tifa and Sephiroth were in it too, but as far as beat 'em ups go, it was a disappointment. I was expecting a Tekken/Dead or Alive sort of thing, but a few short hours into it, I knew agreeing to take part was a mistake. Luckily, it didn't damage my career too much - I was able to get a spot on Kingdom Hearts, after all - but if I could turn back the clocks, I'd seriously reconsider. And then I'd have to say no.
Tifa: Yeah, Ehrgeiz was a disappointment. Downright perverted, actually. Well, not quite, but Square did want to include a secret code which would enable the players to have me fight in nothing but a thong, and whenever Cloud was on screen, we'd have to "get it on". Truth is, I think the guys at Square are kind of perverted underneath. Why else would they have doctors enlarge my breasts before I went on set?
Cloud: Doctors did that? So, they're not real?
Tifa: No.
Cloud: Oh. I guess I owe Barrett five bucks for that one then. Dammit, Tifa.
Tifa: I heard rumors somewhere that they wanted Yuna, Rikku and Paine to do the number 10 spin-off, Final Fantasy X-2, in the buff. Thinking back to some of the things they said to me, those rumors could've been true at one time, I guess.
Rikku: In the buff? Hmm, well, I can't recall Square ever asking me to take my top off during filming, but... I suppose they could've asked Yuna or Paine.
Yuna: No, I've no recollection of anything like that being said, even implied.
Paine: Nor have I.
Yuna: It's true that you shouldn't believe everything you hear.
Rikku: Hmm, I think those rumors can be laid to rest, then.
"But not all Final Fantasy stars have had it easy. Since filming ceased on some stars' productions, getting work has been hard. Take Barrett Wallace, for instance."
Barrett: It's been hard, man. Real hard. I applied for a role on Kingdom Hearts, and I almost made it, but those damn eggheads at Disney rejected me, 'cause of my potty mouth. What a bunch of crap, huh? If it weren't for those #@£$%^&* I woulda been on easy street. I mean for God's sake, I know how to keep it shut at certain times, dammit. And since when has cussin' been a problem, eh? Characters've been swearin' in Final Fantasy ever since the damn series began. Just 'cause this bloody Kingdom Hearts was s'possed to be for the kids, they wanted it to be more "universally friendly". Well, lemme tell ya somethin', man. My daughter Marlene #@£$%^&* hated the trash. So, y'see, Disney? Not all the kids were impressed.
"With news on a possible sequel though, Barrett was quick to change his view."
Barrett: ...but, well, ya know, if they approached me to be in the sequel... yeah, I'd do it.
"Other stars finding it tough after their supposed big breaks include Locke from number 6, Selphie from number 8, Irvine from number 8, Quina from number 9 and the sexy Aki Ross from that godawful movie."
Locke: Being constructed from a couple of pixels, it's been near impossible to find work in the age of polygons. The remake of number 6 did help me with that extra boost, but since that, I'd had no offers. I'm praying that something'll come up soon, but... it's looking unlikely for old Locke.
Selphie: Yeah, Kingdom Hearts was fun, but since that ended, no one else seems to want Selphie for anything. I approached Square a few days ago with an idea for a Final Fantasy VIII spin-off starring Rinoa, Quistis and me, but they rejected it 'cause it was too similar to their Final Fantasy X-2. But if something doesn't come up soon, I'm going to have to think about applying for my old job back at McDonalds. I really don't want it to come to that though, 'cause although the uniform made me look even cuter than I do now, I really hated the smell of hamburgers. Plus one time, Ronald McDonald tried to put his French fry into my Happy Meal box, and I didn't appreciate that one tiny bit, no sir.
Ronald McDonald: Yep. Right in her box, uh huh.
Irvine: (drunk, holding a whiskey bottle) Huh? Yeah, I'm Irvine Kinneas. What of it? Shut up and leave me alone.
Quina: Work? What's that nowadays? Nah, I don't expect Square'll be wantin' me back for anythin' else. I enjoyed my brief moment of fame with number 9, but I don't think Square have any plans to resurrect my character for any future projects. There's only so much you can do with a retarded lump of lard, after all. If they want me back for some reason, I'll do it whatever it is, but I understand the need for a character such as mine is low. If I could've behaved normally, and let people get to know the real me, then maybe things would've been different. But no, Square wanted me to act like a brain dead looney, and that's what I did for them.
Aki Ross: Unlike the majority of those from the Final Fantasy videogames, I haven't achieved the kind of stardom I'd have liked. That movie was critized badly, despite having some top notch animation and brilliant Hollywood actors supplying the voices. I think the main problem with the movie is that it didn't really have anything to do with Final Fantasy at all. Where were the chocobos? The lush worlds? The HP and MP? And the random battles with the monsters and the numbers and the healing and the "Fire! Fire!" I think if Square had based the film on one of the games, or at least had some of the basic elements of the videogame series in it, it would've been a lot better. Maybe then, I wouldn't be working as a stripper in some seedy L.A. nightclub, getting ogled by horny business men and crying myself to sleep every night, while still trying to support my two kids.
"Another thing that truly makes the series, as well as the colourful characters, are the varied and exotic locations each game is set."
Cloud: Most of number 7 was shot in and around New Zealand, but the Costa del Sol, that was shot in Spain, and uh, the Great Glacier, that was somewhere in Antarctica. It got mighty cold there, too.
Cid: Yeah, I got frostbite while shooting there. Doctors had to remove three of my left toes. But when asked if I'd go through all that pain and suffering for Square again? God, yes.
Tidus: In number 10 we actually had to do things differently. Many of the locations were purely futuristic, and the storyline was set a thousand years ahead of its time, too. So Square had Bugenhagen build a time machine so we could flash forward a thousand years into the future.
Rikku: That was really something, huh?
Tidus: Yeah, yeah.
"Final Fantasy has always been known for its insane villans, such as Kefka, Kuja, and of course, Sephiroth."
Kefka: Back in the days of 16-bit, villans didn't really look the part. They were basically sprites, after all. So to make up for their crappy appearance, Square had to compensate for that by making them pure evil. And they had to be believable, too.
X-Death: I really did my best to, you know, act the part. I didn't want to let Square down, so I took my role very seriously. So seriously, in fact, that I actually drown a bagfull of cats every day before I went on set.
Seifer: I didn't want to be one of those villans who wasn't taken seriously enough or who was laughed at for being lame, so I really focused on my role as a bad guy in order to do it the best of my ability, and if I screwed up or acted too nice at times, I'd have Rajin kick me a few times in the butt to motivate me.
Kuja: As a gay actor, I find it most difficult to find work, especially when that work depends on me playing a straight character. Fortunately, for Final Fantasy IX, that was not the case. Square insisted that their villan needed to be camp, and that's when someone mentioned my name. A quick phone call and a taxi cab later, I was at Square's HQ, reading over the script.
Zidane: Kuja's working on the set did disturb a lot of us...
Amarant: Yeah, he tongued me!
Zidane: Yes, that's right, he tongued poor Amarant. But despite Kuja's... gayness, he's a good actor, and it's hard to imagine anyone else playing his part.
Sephiroth: That gig on number 7, that... that was a big break for me. After that, the work kept on coming. I've done Coca Cola commercials, I've made an appearance in Kingdom Hearts, I've even worked with Jenna Jameson, the porn star, for heaven's sake. But it's unlikely I'd be this successful, if it wasn't for a little game called Final Fantasy VII. Thank you, Final Fantasy VII.
"So, what's next for Final Fantasy...?"
Rikku: Well, there's another Final Fantasy X sequel in the works, and then there's Final Fantasy XII, of course.
Zidane: I heard that there'd be a second movie entitled Aki Ross Gets Plugged. I'm... I'm not too sure that'll actually see the light of day though, the draft I saw for the first scene was, uh, it was pretty graphic.
"And the other question on everybody's lips, is the seemingly neverending series ever likely to end?"
Sephiroth: Oh, I'm sure they'll call it a day sometime. But for now, they'll probably keep pumping them out. And who could blame them? As long as people are buying them, Square will keep making them.
Squall: The series is a legend. It'll never end.
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THE END
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Behind the Fantasy
"It's the biggest, longest, and most popular RPG series of all time, beating out such worthy contenders as Breath of Fire and Grandia, spawning countless spin-offs and one, albeit, disastrous movie... It's Final Fantasy."
Squall: I was honoured to accept the lead role of Final Fantasy VIII, I mean, who wouldn't be? The Final Fantasy series is, like, so incredibly amazing, huge in Japan and all over the world in countries such as America, Great Britain and Australia. And of course, I knew it would be a challenge. The script was, like, 900 pages long, but I felt I was up to it. You'll hear a lot of rumors from the other cast members of number 8 that I was only able to get through the script with the aid of drugs, but... they're all liars. Especially Quistis. That woman could lie for England, seriously.
Eiko: Oh yeah, I was super-psyched to be asked to appear in Final Fantasy IX. My friends at school were totally jealous, except Vivi, of course, 'cause he was asked to be in the game, too. But everyone else, they actually turned green with envy. True story.
Zell: To be approached by SquareSoft and asked to be in Final Fantasy, it's... it's an amazing experience. You know, just to be asked. And bein' in it, that's even better.
Tifa: Before I found fame in number 7 I was a penniless hooker, pleasing men for around thirty bucks an hour down on the mean streets of New York. And those were some rough, rough times, I can tell you. I felt cheap and dirty, and many times I considered ending it all. But after a chance meeting with the President of SquareSoft, I was offered a supporting role in number 7, playing a barhostess named Christina. I didn't like the name Christina - I thought it made me sound like a flousy - so I convinced Square to let me use my real name, and they agreed. But if it wasn't for Final Fantasy VII, I probably wouldn't even be here today. And even if I was still here today, I'd probably still be giving handjobs for twenty cents a minute.
Celes: Square and I had a mutual understanding: if I were to be in Final Fantasy VI, then I wouldn't have to appear in any nude scenes. Because that's what they wanted, you know. My first scene, the part where I'm in prison with those two guards, originally Square wanted those bozos to be gang raping me. I talked it over with Square, I said, "Look, there's no way I'm doing scenes of any nude or sexual nature." They offered me another five thousand dollars, but still, my mind was made up. I did not want to be portrayed in that way. So I told 'em, I said, "I either do this fully clothed like the rest of the cast, or not at all." So they said, "Fine." Which worked out perfect for me, because there was no way I was doing anything sexual. No other Final Fantasy character before me ever had to do sex scenes, so what on earth was so different about me? I was just a bunch of pixels, after all. It's not like I'd be anything special to look at. I told 'em to keep their nude scenes for the days when videogames could be done in polygons. But to this day, they still haven't pursued the nude thing any further. Guess they must have liked the cut of my jib. Either that, or my hot knockers. You know, I think you can still find a mock picture of those guards gang raping me somewhere on the Net. But don't worry, 'cause it's a fake.
"Final Fantasy began a long, long time ago, back on the old 8-bit Nintendo Entertainment System or NES, as it was known. In this age of the Mario brothers, Zelda and Metroid, Final Fantasy burst onto the scene, and made the biggest impression, at least in Japan, an RPG ever could."
Mario: (of the Mario Bros. fame) Final Fantasy, it was so warm. I remember Luigi and I used to play it every night after a hard days plumbing... Princess Toadstool. Mama mia!
Link: (of Zelda fame) Zelda was big at the time, but Final Fantasy offered so much more than just beating up orcs and stuff. We knew as soon as we set eyes on it, that this was something special, that would change the face of videogaming forever.
"Despite having an unnamed cast of characters, Final Fantasy charmed its way into many hearts."
Black Mage: Even though we had no real personality or distinguishing feaures, people couldn't get enough of us.
Warrior: Yeah, they'd lynch us in t'streets and hound us for t'autographs. And, hell, they didn't even know our names.
Thief: But they loved us. They knew who we were, regardless. We were the stars of the first Final Fantasy.
"With the immediate success of Final Fantasy, a sequel was born. This time, the characters were given identities and backgrounds."
Maria: I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, when SquareSoft came to me. They said I looked good in uniform, what they meant by that, I don't know. They asked me to come over to see them sometime, and the next day, I went to their head office in Japan. That's where Leon and I first met.
Leon: Square had told me they'd found someone who might make a good sibling for me, and when they told me it was a chick, I was, like, yeah, man.
Maria: Yeah, in fact, didn't we make out that first day on set?
Leon: Yeah, that's right. Oh, man.
"Final Fantasy II performed as good as, if not better, than the original. It was clear that Square was on to a real winner here with the Final Fantasy franchise. After number 2, came a third. And then, the series made the leap from 8-bit to 16-bit."
Butz: Taking the series to the Super Nintendo or SNES allowed for a much bigger, better Final Fantasy experience. The graphics were awesome, and being on a more powerful system allowed the games to be longer than ever before. And as the first person to star in one of the 16-bit games, it was incredible.
Kain: The 16-bit era, it was something, it really was.
Cecil: Yeah, by the time our time had come, the series was at an all time high.
Rydia: Pixels we were, but we looked fine.
Edge: Yeah, fine enough to screw.
Rosa: And the storylines had gotten much better, too. I think our storyline was probably one of the best.
Cecil: Yeah, and the fame that came with it, it was unbelievable. I actually had women wanting to make love with me.
Rosa: Yeah, and--what?!
Cecil: Don't worry, baby, I never actually let 'em.
Rosa: I should think not.
Terra: When Square told me that the hero of Final Fantasy VI would be female, I was completely taken back. And when they told me they wanted me to be that heroine, I fainted.
Locke: Yeah, that's true, I actually had to revive her. It was lucky I had a spare Phoenix Down on me at the time.
Terra: But although I was the first female Final Fantasy hero, I never let it go to my head, not even to this day.
Edgar: That's not true. Remember that catfight you and Yuna had last week?
Terra: (in a corridor with Yuna) Look, missy, you may be the new star of Final Fantasy X-2, but just remember this, I was there first, all right.
Yuna: Yes, I know, and I respect that.
Terra: Now listen, sister, don't you be forgetting I was the first female Final Fantasy heroine. So, just because you're flavour of the month now, don't be thinking you're better than me, okay.
Yuna: I honestly don't think I'm better than you. In fact, I'm a big fan of yours.
Terra: Oh, that does it! (slaps Yuna)
Edgar: If Edward and I hadn't stepped in, you'd have killed each other.
Terra: Oh, whatever.
"Then, in 1995, came the Sony PlayStation or PSone as it's now known. And it was then that SquareSoft decided to take Final Fantasy out of Nintendo, and onto Sony."
Red XIII: That was a good move, I mean... I personally don't think the Nintendo with its old fashioned cartridges could have been able to cope with this new era of Final Fantasy. Kudos to Square for opting for Sony.
"Final Fantasy VII arrived on the scene some years later, and blew gamers away with its stunning graphics and addictive gameplay. And with an awesome storyline to boot, it seemed Final Fantasy VII really managed to grab gamers' attention, and this time not just in Japan, but all over the world."
Cloud: We were just as surprised as anyone. We knew it was going to be big, but, hell, we didn't expect it to be that big.
Aeris: I had a lot of faith in the game. I'd been a fan of all the previous Final Fantasy games, and when I saw what this one was capable of, I knew it was destined for big things. It was just a shame I didn't make it through the whole game.
Cloud: Yeah, well, Sephiroth's to blame for that, isn't he?
Aeris: Let me tell you something about that death scene. You know, originally there was this whole side-quest at the end of the game that involved bringing me back to life somehow.
Cloud: Oh, I remember that.
Aeris: But because Square were in such a darn rush to get the game out to the public, the whole thing was scrapped. Which was a shame, 'cause I'd have loved to have been brought back. But, I guess in the end, the death of me did have a big impact, and shook the story up a bit.
Cloud: Yeah, and it allowed me and Tifa to make love under the Highwind, too.
Aeris: What?!
"Two more Final Fantasy games, 8 and 9 respectively, followed suite on the Sony PlayStation..."
Quistis: And people would spit on me in the street!
Dagger: We had no idea they were filming us in the shower!
"...before the series changed consoles again, this time moving onto the PlayStation 2 or PS2, with its tenth instalment."
Tidus: I had a ball. It was the funnest gig I'd had in years. And to be chosen as the star, wow.
Wakka: I was in the middle of doing some voice over work for the TV show Futurama when I got the call from Square, brudda. They said they really liked my character and I sounded exactly like the one they'd written in for the new game. When they said they wanted me to be in it, I was gobsmacked, ya.
Lulu: I'd actually worked on a Final Fantasy title before. I made a brief appearance in Final Fantasy VIII, as Edea. Yeah, it is hard to believe that that was me, but trust me, it was. Square enjoyed my performance so much, that they told me to come back for number 10, and play myself. At first I told them to get bent, but then I realised they'd said "play myself" and not "play with myself".
Rikku: I was a little weary about accepting the role in number 10, 'cause I thought I'd have to show my boobs at some point, on account of my stunning body and all. But Square decided to take out all the nude scenes they'd written, so then I felt I could take on the role. I think at one point they wanted me to commit incest with Cid, who plays my onscreen dad. But the thing is, he's also my real dad, so things got a little icky, and I kicked up one heck of a stink about that. It's strange though, 'cause my dad didn't seem to care.
"But then came disaster. After number 10, things took a turn for the worse for Square. Things first started to go horribly wrong with the arrival of the Final Fantasy movie, The Spirits Within."
Aki Ross: They were losing money. And by "they" I mean Square. The movie bombed at the box office, and things looked bleak. Really, really bleak. At one point, I think the company came close to being bankrupt.
"And to add insult to injury, Final Fantasy XI, the online version of the hit series, did little to break the bank, either."
Cid: (from FFVII) I'm telling ya, things were #@£$%^&* hectic at Square around the time that damn movie flunked, and that online crap hit the stores. They wanted everybody to pull together, and chip in to stop the company from going broke. I had to give 'em my friggin' life savings for God's sake. And I had to quit smoking too, 'cause I could never afford to buy the #@£$%^&* things. Jeez, that pissed me off.
Dagger: In the end, I had to bail Square out by writing them a check for twenty grand, at least I think it was twenty grand, it could've been more. My account was bled dry, but Square was back on track, and had enough money to stay afloat. For the time being.
Rikku: They were frantic. What with the losses the movie and the online game were making, Square had to think fast in order to avoid going under. So they approached Yuna and me to appear in the first ever true sequel to a Final Fantasy game, Final Fantasy X-2.
Yuna: They told me I'd be the lead star, and I'd be paired up with Rikku and a new character called Paine.
Tidus: I thought the idea of a Final Fantasy X sequel without me in the lead role was ludicrous. I didn't want any part in the game if I couldn't be the star. But Square offered me a million dollars, and I soon changed my tune.
Wakka: They wanted us all back. Me, Lulu, Kimahri, Cid. I didn't know at first, I mean although the money was good, I had worries that the sequel might crap on the original a bit, but then they told me I'd be romantically linked with Lulu, and that we'd get to do some saucy sex scenes, and so then I was in, brudda.
Lulu: I wasn't comfortable with some of the risky scenes, but sex sells, basically, and Square really needed this to sell. If this flunked, they'd be on their last legs.
"Luckily for Square, the brilliant sequel didn't flunk. Although yet to be released in North America and the UK, the game has enjoyed phenomenal success in its home of Japan, putting an end to all those worries that the Final Fantasy series was in danger of losing its grip on the fans."
Rikku: The game's been massive in Japan, and it should be just as big worldwide when it's eventually released. And what's more, the guys and I had a blast doing it. And when I say "guys" I mean Yuna and Paine, and when I say "doing it" I mean the game. God, there were so many ways you could misinterpret that line. Well, maybe just the one way, but it's a relief that I've cleared it up.
"One of the most successful stars to come out of Final Fantasy was Cloud Strife, the hero of number 7. Not only did he star in what's critically acclaimed the best of the series, he also found fame in Square's beat 'em up Ehrgeiz: God Bless the Ring."
Cloud: ...and who the hell came up with the bright title God Bless the Ring? That sounded like an awesome gig, but it turned out to be complete carp. Sure, Tifa and Sephiroth were in it too, but as far as beat 'em ups go, it was a disappointment. I was expecting a Tekken/Dead or Alive sort of thing, but a few short hours into it, I knew agreeing to take part was a mistake. Luckily, it didn't damage my career too much - I was able to get a spot on Kingdom Hearts, after all - but if I could turn back the clocks, I'd seriously reconsider. And then I'd have to say no.
Tifa: Yeah, Ehrgeiz was a disappointment. Downright perverted, actually. Well, not quite, but Square did want to include a secret code which would enable the players to have me fight in nothing but a thong, and whenever Cloud was on screen, we'd have to "get it on". Truth is, I think the guys at Square are kind of perverted underneath. Why else would they have doctors enlarge my breasts before I went on set?
Cloud: Doctors did that? So, they're not real?
Tifa: No.
Cloud: Oh. I guess I owe Barrett five bucks for that one then. Dammit, Tifa.
Tifa: I heard rumors somewhere that they wanted Yuna, Rikku and Paine to do the number 10 spin-off, Final Fantasy X-2, in the buff. Thinking back to some of the things they said to me, those rumors could've been true at one time, I guess.
Rikku: In the buff? Hmm, well, I can't recall Square ever asking me to take my top off during filming, but... I suppose they could've asked Yuna or Paine.
Yuna: No, I've no recollection of anything like that being said, even implied.
Paine: Nor have I.
Yuna: It's true that you shouldn't believe everything you hear.
Rikku: Hmm, I think those rumors can be laid to rest, then.
"But not all Final Fantasy stars have had it easy. Since filming ceased on some stars' productions, getting work has been hard. Take Barrett Wallace, for instance."
Barrett: It's been hard, man. Real hard. I applied for a role on Kingdom Hearts, and I almost made it, but those damn eggheads at Disney rejected me, 'cause of my potty mouth. What a bunch of crap, huh? If it weren't for those #@£$%^&* I woulda been on easy street. I mean for God's sake, I know how to keep it shut at certain times, dammit. And since when has cussin' been a problem, eh? Characters've been swearin' in Final Fantasy ever since the damn series began. Just 'cause this bloody Kingdom Hearts was s'possed to be for the kids, they wanted it to be more "universally friendly". Well, lemme tell ya somethin', man. My daughter Marlene #@£$%^&* hated the trash. So, y'see, Disney? Not all the kids were impressed.
"With news on a possible sequel though, Barrett was quick to change his view."
Barrett: ...but, well, ya know, if they approached me to be in the sequel... yeah, I'd do it.
"Other stars finding it tough after their supposed big breaks include Locke from number 6, Selphie from number 8, Irvine from number 8, Quina from number 9 and the sexy Aki Ross from that godawful movie."
Locke: Being constructed from a couple of pixels, it's been near impossible to find work in the age of polygons. The remake of number 6 did help me with that extra boost, but since that, I'd had no offers. I'm praying that something'll come up soon, but... it's looking unlikely for old Locke.
Selphie: Yeah, Kingdom Hearts was fun, but since that ended, no one else seems to want Selphie for anything. I approached Square a few days ago with an idea for a Final Fantasy VIII spin-off starring Rinoa, Quistis and me, but they rejected it 'cause it was too similar to their Final Fantasy X-2. But if something doesn't come up soon, I'm going to have to think about applying for my old job back at McDonalds. I really don't want it to come to that though, 'cause although the uniform made me look even cuter than I do now, I really hated the smell of hamburgers. Plus one time, Ronald McDonald tried to put his French fry into my Happy Meal box, and I didn't appreciate that one tiny bit, no sir.
Ronald McDonald: Yep. Right in her box, uh huh.
Irvine: (drunk, holding a whiskey bottle) Huh? Yeah, I'm Irvine Kinneas. What of it? Shut up and leave me alone.
Quina: Work? What's that nowadays? Nah, I don't expect Square'll be wantin' me back for anythin' else. I enjoyed my brief moment of fame with number 9, but I don't think Square have any plans to resurrect my character for any future projects. There's only so much you can do with a retarded lump of lard, after all. If they want me back for some reason, I'll do it whatever it is, but I understand the need for a character such as mine is low. If I could've behaved normally, and let people get to know the real me, then maybe things would've been different. But no, Square wanted me to act like a brain dead looney, and that's what I did for them.
Aki Ross: Unlike the majority of those from the Final Fantasy videogames, I haven't achieved the kind of stardom I'd have liked. That movie was critized badly, despite having some top notch animation and brilliant Hollywood actors supplying the voices. I think the main problem with the movie is that it didn't really have anything to do with Final Fantasy at all. Where were the chocobos? The lush worlds? The HP and MP? And the random battles with the monsters and the numbers and the healing and the "Fire! Fire!" I think if Square had based the film on one of the games, or at least had some of the basic elements of the videogame series in it, it would've been a lot better. Maybe then, I wouldn't be working as a stripper in some seedy L.A. nightclub, getting ogled by horny business men and crying myself to sleep every night, while still trying to support my two kids.
"Another thing that truly makes the series, as well as the colourful characters, are the varied and exotic locations each game is set."
Cloud: Most of number 7 was shot in and around New Zealand, but the Costa del Sol, that was shot in Spain, and uh, the Great Glacier, that was somewhere in Antarctica. It got mighty cold there, too.
Cid: Yeah, I got frostbite while shooting there. Doctors had to remove three of my left toes. But when asked if I'd go through all that pain and suffering for Square again? God, yes.
Tidus: In number 10 we actually had to do things differently. Many of the locations were purely futuristic, and the storyline was set a thousand years ahead of its time, too. So Square had Bugenhagen build a time machine so we could flash forward a thousand years into the future.
Rikku: That was really something, huh?
Tidus: Yeah, yeah.
"Final Fantasy has always been known for its insane villans, such as Kefka, Kuja, and of course, Sephiroth."
Kefka: Back in the days of 16-bit, villans didn't really look the part. They were basically sprites, after all. So to make up for their crappy appearance, Square had to compensate for that by making them pure evil. And they had to be believable, too.
X-Death: I really did my best to, you know, act the part. I didn't want to let Square down, so I took my role very seriously. So seriously, in fact, that I actually drown a bagfull of cats every day before I went on set.
Seifer: I didn't want to be one of those villans who wasn't taken seriously enough or who was laughed at for being lame, so I really focused on my role as a bad guy in order to do it the best of my ability, and if I screwed up or acted too nice at times, I'd have Rajin kick me a few times in the butt to motivate me.
Kuja: As a gay actor, I find it most difficult to find work, especially when that work depends on me playing a straight character. Fortunately, for Final Fantasy IX, that was not the case. Square insisted that their villan needed to be camp, and that's when someone mentioned my name. A quick phone call and a taxi cab later, I was at Square's HQ, reading over the script.
Zidane: Kuja's working on the set did disturb a lot of us...
Amarant: Yeah, he tongued me!
Zidane: Yes, that's right, he tongued poor Amarant. But despite Kuja's... gayness, he's a good actor, and it's hard to imagine anyone else playing his part.
Sephiroth: That gig on number 7, that... that was a big break for me. After that, the work kept on coming. I've done Coca Cola commercials, I've made an appearance in Kingdom Hearts, I've even worked with Jenna Jameson, the porn star, for heaven's sake. But it's unlikely I'd be this successful, if it wasn't for a little game called Final Fantasy VII. Thank you, Final Fantasy VII.
"So, what's next for Final Fantasy...?"
Rikku: Well, there's another Final Fantasy X sequel in the works, and then there's Final Fantasy XII, of course.
Zidane: I heard that there'd be a second movie entitled Aki Ross Gets Plugged. I'm... I'm not too sure that'll actually see the light of day though, the draft I saw for the first scene was, uh, it was pretty graphic.
"And the other question on everybody's lips, is the seemingly neverending series ever likely to end?"
Sephiroth: Oh, I'm sure they'll call it a day sometime. But for now, they'll probably keep pumping them out. And who could blame them? As long as people are buying them, Square will keep making them.
Squall: The series is a legend. It'll never end.
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THE END
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