AN: Hey, I don't really do this very often. I'm not a writer by any means. I'm just a Grey's Anatomy fan who couldn't believe what that show did. Derek is dead, and this is how I'm handling my grief. This is a one shot. Comment, don't comment, I really don't care. I just needed to express myself, and get down on paper what might have happened to Meredith beyond the scenes in 11x22. The song is In My Veins by Andrew Belle. It's a Grey's Anatomy song...played in the season 6 finale. I hope you enjoy.
I looked down at the newborn cradled in my arms. She was not more than a few hours old, and I could already see Derek in the baby. I fought back tears as I rocked our baby back and fourth, lovingly, in my arms. I couldn't look away. This was the best thing that has happened to me in months.
At first, I wasn't sure how I was going to survive Derek's death. I am widowed, and I am raising two kids on my own. All I could think about after the funeral was how the kids and I were going to survive this. How was I going to do this without the love of my life? I packed up the kids, and a few personal belongings, and drove us far away. I wanted to forget the pain in Seattle. That's where I met the love of her life and started my family. Everything about Seattle reminded me of him. Ferry boats, the beautiful land where our house stood, Joe's bar, and the hospital. Even the freaking space needle reminded me of him. Seattle made me numb, and I was pretty sure I would never be able to feel again.
Nothing goes as planned, everything will break
The two weeks after Derek's funeral were a blur. All I remember is that I was vomiting everyday, consecutively, for 2 weeks. I remember at one point thinking that this wasn't grief anymore. So that's when I decided to take a pregnancy test. After what seemed life a lifetime, I looked at the test after five minutes.
Positive.
I thought that the world was playing a sick cruel joke
I remember staring at it again.
Positive.
People say goodbye, in their own special way
I remember staring at the test in disbelief. This wasn't how it was suppose to be. He was supposed to be here. It wasn't fair. He had said all those thing to me before he left on what was supposed to be his final trip to D.C. He wanted more…...we wanted more. It wasn't supposed to even happen this way. I wasn't supposed to get pregnant on the first try. Nothing in my life has ever been this easy. But, I knew that was the irony. (Is that even irony?) Derek was dead, and I had to raise all 3 of our children by myself.
In that moment I remember crumbling down onto the bathroom floor and just started to gasp for air. I hoped that by putting my hand over my mouth, that it would not wake up Zola and Bailey in the next room. I thought about what if I just died? What if I just died here and now? And then I remembered the kids. I was scared as hell, but I picked up myself up off the bathroom floor, and checked up on the kids. Zola was sound asleep in her bed. Bailey was wide-awake. I picked Bailey up out of his crib and just held him. I stared into his eyes, and they were blue, just like Derek's. As Bailey slowly fell asleep in my arms, is when I realized that I could do this, but it was going to take some time.
All that you rely on, and all that you can fake
Out of everything that happened in those nine months, OB appointments were the worst thing that I had to do. I waited in the waiting room alone, and watched as others were accompanied by their husbands. They were so bright and shiny, and I was barely hanging on myself. For the first exam, I couldn't even look at the ultrasound. I was afraid something bad was going to happen. I thought that I was going to miscarry, or that the baby was just going to be dead. The baby was something that Derek left me with, and I wouldn't be able to go on if the last thing he left me with just died. It was the 3rd appointment, when I finally heard the heartbeat, and the doctor saying that it was a girl. That is when I believed this was meant to be.
I remember the first time the baby kicked. I was lying in bed that night, and just started to cry. It reminded me of the first time I felt Bailey kick, and how I thought there was something wrong. I remember when I told Derek the first time I felt movement with Bailey. We laid in our bed, and I put Derek's hand over mine when I felt him kick. Derek was in awe. I remember his face exactly, and now he wasn't here this time. I remember putting both of my hands over the baby swell and whispering that daddy and mommy love you very much.
Will leave you in the morning, but find you in the day
There were days where I remembered that I didn't want to get out of bed, but I had to. My kids needed me. I did things with them like taking them to the park, and the beach. I just remember being at the beach one day, and staring out at our kids. Zola was building a sand castle, and Bailey was digging in the sand. I watched as the waves crashed into the shore. Then the memories in my mind started to flood back. The first time Derek and I met a the bar, the first time we kissed, and our first real date. I remembered the time he comforted me in the supply closet, and in that memory,I could almost feel his hand on my shoulder. I shivered at the thought. I closed my eyes a took a deep breath in. "He's not here Meredith. He's dead." I thought to myself. I somewhat smiled when I thought about the house of candles, the day he proposed to me in the elevator, when we got married on a post-it, Zola's adoption, and the birth of Bailey in the super storm. And then I remembered what he said the morning of the crash "Stay here, don't move, and wait for me."
Oh, you're in my veins, and I cannot get you out
I was still waiting for him…for him to give me a sign that everything would be okay. That I could move on from this. That I could battle back from the worst. There were so many things we had battled back from...together. His wife showing up, our breakup, the shooting and the miscarriage, me tampering with the Alzheimer's trial, the plane crash, and D.C. We battled all those things together, but now I was in this battle alone. And this was the worst battle I had to face. I wanted him here. To hold me, and to kiss me, because in this moment... I wasn't sure that I could do this at all.
Oh, you're all I taste at night inside my mouth
Zola would often say things like she wished that her daddy were here. It was hard for me to explain to our four and half year old daughter, without too much detail, that her daddy was never coming back. In some sense, I knew that Zola might have some idea that he was dead, but I wasn't sure that she could process the fact that he was never coming back. Bailey is too young to understand that Derek is never coming back. There would be times where he would just cry, and I couldn't figure out what was wrong. But I knew what was wrong, he wanted his daddy. Then, there was the wave of sadness that washed over me. Our baby girl would never know her daddy, and how much he loves her. Derek wouldn't be there for her first words and her first steps. There was a lot of firsts Derek wouldn't be there for, and I wasn't sure that I could handle this.
Oh, you run away 'cause I am not what you found
I remember all the holidays that we were gone from: Easter, Memorial Day, The Fourth of July, Labor Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I spent those holidays with just the kids. All those days were hard. All my family was back in Seattle, and I knew they missed me, but I wasn't sure we could go back. Christmas was the worst. Christmas was Derek's thing. He made Christmas special for the kids, and now I was alone trying to give our kids the best Christmas I could. I was also eight months pregnant, and exhausted. I still tried to bring all that Christmas cheer into our kid's lives. I wanted this to be a special day for them. So I did all the shopping myself, wrapped all the presents, and made the cookies for Santa. Bailey might not be old enough to remember this, but Zola would remember this as her first Christmas without her daddy. I remember checking on the kids, finding Bailey sounds asleep, and Zola wide-awake. I sat down next to Zola's bed and tried to convince her that Santa wouldn't come if she didn't fall asleep. Derek would have been much better at that than I was. Zola then asked if Santa was bringing her a baby sister. I couldn't help, but laugh at the our daughter's statement. "Not tonight." I giggled. I think that was the first time I giggled in months. I kissed Zola on the forehead, and began to exit her room, cradling my baby bump. I remember Zola saying that she wished daddy were here. I just looked at our daughter, and tried not to burst into tears. I told Zola goodnight, and left it at that. This was too damn hard. I missed Derek.
Oh, you're in my veins, and I cannot get you out.
Shortly after Christmas, I remember just laying in bed...becoming more depressed. I felt isolated. For a couple nights after Christmas, I would cry myself to sleep each night. I didn't want to do this alone. I couldn't do this alone. I needed Derek. I missed the way he comforted me when I was having a hard time. I missed his embrace. I missed the smell of him. I missed the way his lips tasted. I missed everything about him. I would often just put my hand on my stomach and feel our baby move. And then in that moment, I realized he will always be with me. Maybe not physically, but I see him in our kids.
Oh, you're all I taste at night inside my mouth
The morning of the night I went into labor, I remember feeling better than usual, and decided to take the kids to the park. I sat on the park bench while Zola kept climbing the monkey bars, and Bailey kept going down the slide. Both of them were smiling and having fun. In that moment, I was picturing Derek with the kids. He used to love taking both of them to the park. I tried to imagine him talking to me, but I couldn't. In that moment, I panicked. Why couldn't I remember what he sounded like? I pulled out my phone, and finally listened to the voice mail he left me the day that he died. I pressed play on the messages. Derek was riding the ferryboat. He loved ferry boats. He told me he loved me, and that he would see me soon. And I lost it at the park. I couldn't stop crying. Zola came up to me and asked me what was wrong. I simply told her that I missed daddy. Zola curled up next to me on the bench and she told me that she missed daddy too. I kissed the top of her forehead and told Zola to go get Bailey. It was time to go.
Oh, you run away 'cause I am not what you found
That very night, I went into labor. I had just made Zola a snack. She was sitting in the living room playing with her toys. I handed her the snack, and that's when I felt the pain. I remember putting my hand around my belly after the sharp pain rippled across.
"Damn it" I yelped while wincing in pain.
I leaned over and felt something sticky on my hand. It was blood.
"Uh...Actually you know what Zo...I think we will take that and put that in a baggie. AHHH!" I moaned out. I was now hunched over the counter in pain.
Before I could process what was happening, another sharp pain was ripping across my abdomen. It was a placental abruption. Blood was gushing from between my thighs onto the floor. I backed myself up towards the counter.
"Mommy!" Zola panicked.
"It's okay, Zola", I told her.
"You're bleeding. There's blood," my daughter stated.
"Mommy, should I call 911?" she questioned.
"Yes, call" is the last thing I remember telling her before I passed out in the pool of blood. Our daughter was a smart girl. Derek would have been very proud of her. In a way…I think that moment was Derek looking out after me.
I don't really remember what happened next, but Zola was in the room at the hospital while they were putting me under for my crash C-section. I told the doctors and nurses to get her out of there. She shouldn't see her mom lying in a pool of blood. Everything happened so fast. I thought I was going to die. I was trying to fight the sedative, but it was too late. All I was thinking about was Derek. I tried to call out his name, but I was already under the effect of the drugs.
Oh you're in my veins, and I cannot get you out.
No I cannot get you out. No I cannot get you
I came out of my daze. I smiled at the newborn cradled in my arms. Our daughter was a miracle. Our children were miracles. They saved me from this horrific time. I sat and thought about names for our daughter. Derek and I had thought of girl names if Bailey was a girl…but none of those seemed fitting right now. None of them had meaning. Ellis. My mother's name popped into my brain. I looked down at the baby, and just smiled. Ellis was her name.
Everything is dark.
It's more than you can take.
But you catch a glimpse of sun light.
Shinin, down on your face.
For a minute, I wasn't sure if Ellis was the right name. But Ellis Grey was a warrior. She wasn't the perfect mother, but she kept going after she lost the love of her life. Ellis Grey had slip-ups on the way, but she became one of the best surgeons in the world. Resilience is what my mother had. My mother and I were similar in that fact, but the difference was is that I was nothing like my mother. I got to have the husband, the kids, and become a surgeon. I was extraordinary. Derek believed in me. At times I wasn't sure why, but he saw potential in me, and forced me to be the best person I could be. Sometimes it took a lot, but Derek bettered me. I finally decided Ellis was her name, and could feel that Derek was smiling down on us. In this moment I knew that he was with us...in Zola, in Bailey, in baby Ellis, and in my heart.
"Hi, Ellis" I breathed. I kissed the top of her head twice, once for myself, and once for Derek.
"You're daddy and I love you very much. He might not be here, but always know that he loves you, he loves Zola, he loves Bailey, and he loves me, your mommy, very much. He didn't want to leave us, but he will always be with us." I whispered to the fussy baby.
And in this moment, I realized, I was ready to go back to Seattle, be in the city where I became a surgeon, be in the city where my one night stand became the love of my life, and be in the city where I started my family. Seattle is our home.
Oh you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out
Oh you're all I taste
At night inside of my mouth
Oh you run away
Cause I am not what you found
Oh you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out