OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: I don't own Criminal Minds, or any of its associated characters, plots, scripts or episodes
Should also mention, in case it is not immediately obvious to all that I know nothing about FBI Recruitment methods!
Paved With Good Intentions
It was a thankless task. Every year the FBI received thousands of applications from people who just wouldn't make the cut. In among these were the obvious stars, law enforcement professionals with a string of commendations and the right sort of academic background, stars were easy to pull. Harder were the potentially good agents, those without the law background but with the right foundations to build a technical specialist. To find these pieces of gold you had to pan through a lot of dirt.
Sorting applications really was a polite form of punishment detail. HR specialist David Leary knew that hitting on the new wife of one of the BAU agents hadn't been a good idea but the booze had been flowing and she was a cute little blonde with a tight ass and what was a sexually frustrated man to do? It wasn't like he'd done anything more than pass a couple of compliments at the bitch. Why she had to complain to her husband, who complained to his boss who straight away assigned him this shitty job (it wasn't even his turn!) he'd never know.
Another application: Small town cop, high school education and not even the sort of grades that would set you up for a college degree. That was one for the polite 'hell no' pile.
This was probably the worst thing about this job. You didn't just have to winnow out the good candidates from the bad, you had to sort the rejects into 'after careful consideration' and 'not at the moment with your skill set'. Cops always fell into the latter category as their co-operation might be needed by the agency at some point in the future. This only encouraged them to try again. How hard were the minimum entry requirements to follow though? What part of 'four year college degree' was so hard to understand?
Next!
Oh boy. Well this one had a college degree alright. Didn't take him four years to get but the doctorate in mathematics might have taken up some of his time. Work experience listed included book keeping while studying at UNLV. Nothing while at Cal Tech, then again he was probably on a full academic ride. Only thing missing from the application was the date of birth.
What the hell, he'd found a potential diamond. White collar would love him. There was an interview round set up for California next month, he could come along to that and complete his date of birth. Hopefully blind the interview panel with science and earn Davy boy here a nice gold star.
Next: An idiot with such bad handwriting that the name could barely be made out. Reject!
"Spencer's pants!" The call was answered on the sixth ring by some breathy female, clearly not the male applicant.
"This is Agent David Leary of the FBI." That was normally enough to throw most civilians off, at least a little. "I'm calling to speak to Doctor Reid. Is he available?"
"Spencer!" The shout down the phone had him pulling the receiver away from his ear with a jolt. "Phone! He's in the shower, won't be a minute. What did he do?" The girl didn't seem to have two brain cells to rub together. It was a strange experience, most people shut down when they talked to Federal Agents. College students especially, suddenly feeling guilty about that small amount of pot they inevitably had stashed away. They didn't normally want to chat.
The applicant probably wasn't going to like the suggestion that fooling around with a college student ten years his junior was not going to look good to the Bureau. Not unless he married his little bimbo.
"He applied to the FBI. I just have a couple of questions before we can take it any further, nothing to worry about." It never paid to upset the 'family' any more than it did to upset other LEOs.
"You want to take my math tutor away? Turn him into a super cop? What a waste! Oh hey baby, phone call for you. It's the Feds, want to put something on?" The last was quieter as if she was handing the phone over but still came across perfectly clear.
This all gave him an absolutely hideous mental picture. Bearded, flabby, thirty-something standing there naked in front of a blonde cheerleader who needed to suck some cock to pass her courses. He might be a lucky devil but it was clearly a mistake even pursuing this applicant, only politeness had him staying on the end of the line.
"Spencer Reid." The voice on the other end was younger than he expected, even just giving his name. He was confident though as if this call had just been a matter of time, a foregone conclusion. "How can I help?"
"Doctor Reid, my name is David Leary. I work in the department that deals with applicants to the FBI." A murmur of understanding came down the line. "There was an omission on your form that we need to clear up before we take it further. You didn't complete your date of birth." A very minor omission on an otherwise perfect academic applicant's form.
A laugh came down the line. "I didn't forget to fill it in. I deliberately left it off. Experience has taught me that age is irrelevant in all situations except one. You'd be amazed at how intransigent the DMV can be. The reason I left it off is because I am twenty one."
The age hung in the air between them. He sat there for a moment before asking the obvious question. "Twenty one? You have a PhD and you are twenty one?"
"I have three PhDs actually but yes twenty one. Graduated high school at twelve, first undergrad degree by fifteen, first doctorate by seventeen. As I say age limits tend to be things that happen to other people."
"Apart from the DMV?"
"You know they just wouldn't give me a licence. No matter how many times I tried to talk them into it."
David laughed, he liked this kid. Nowhere near as hard to talk to as some of the super geeks you ran into at Quantico. Of course he would need to get a dispensation signed off before he could promise anything. However the argument could be made that the restriction itself was ageist. That it was the education which was more important, education that Doctor Reid had in spades. Decision made there was only one thing left to do.
"I still need your DOB before I can process your application to the interview stage."
"In that case it's..."
It took some finagling to get to be the HR rep for this interview panel, the ones to California somehow attracting more volunteers than the ones to Kansas. Oddly enough the panels with the most volunteers were the ones in Hawaii. David's biggest weapon in this particular fight was his twenty one year old 'exception'. He had argued that as he was the one pushing for the opportunity he should be the one to do the assessment in person.
For the applicants it was going to be a battery of tests to gauge their relative strengths and weaknesses, followed by the interview panel from hell. If they passed all that they got to join an intake at the academy where the instructors tried to break their spirits and crush their souls before turning them lose on an unsuspecting criminal world.
And it was raining.
He'd arranged to meet Doctor Reid half an hour early to see if the young man matched his mental image of the stereotypical geek.
He didn't.
The man in front of him wasn't a shrinking violet hiding behind glasses and smelly t-shirts. This was a well dressed, designer suited, confident young man. Secure in his capabilities. The panel were going to hate him.
David knew that, with the best will in the world, the men and women who sat on these things were experienced agents. Who all came with a bucket load of prejudices they would never admit to. A twenty one year old, triple doctorate holding, certifiable genius was bad enough but add style and confidence to that and they would tear him down just to show that they were 'superior'. The only thing the kid didn't exude was 'alpha', although he had no doubt that Doctor Reid would be able to step into that role if it was required.
How the hell did you tell someone like that, that if they wanted to achieve their dream, they had to become something less?
"Doctor Reid?" David had to at least make the attempt.
"Spencer, please. Doctor Reid is my mother." The smile bestowed on him was enough to make David want to move mountains for him. This was going to be so bad.
"Your mother is also a Doctor?" It did explain some of the academic overachievement.
"English literature. Well literature in general. Bed time stories when I was little tended to be a bit weird but hey when you are three you don't know the difference."
David shook his head. They were getting off topic and there wasn't a lot of time. "Look, I don't know how to tell you this." He took a breath. "For you to get into the academy now you need to get the unanimous approval of the panel. They all need to sign off on the dispensation. There are stronger, physically stronger, candidates than you." That was certainly true. His physique was more long distance runner than anything approaching football player. "You have to get them to accept you on your academic merits without making them feel inferior."
Doctor Reid, Spencer, just looked at him unblinking. After an increasingly uncomfortable silence reached the point that David was ready to speak just to fill it, he finally spoke. "Tell me about the panel. Who are the people on it and what will their reactions be?" He asked as if this was a theoretical problem to be outlined then solved. Who knew? Maybe it would work.
"There are three agents on the panel. Agent Carter joined before the restriction on the college degree was brought in. He's old school, doesn't hold with fancy techniques like profiling."
"Don't mention having read David Rossi's book then?" This kid had clearly done a fair amount of prep for this session if he'd dug up that thing up from three years ago.
"Probably best to keep that to yourself, yes. Desk bound now, he is getting better at understanding the needs of having good people in the analyst roles."
Spencer held up a hand. "I'm not looking to join the FBI to sit in an office all day. I want to be a field agent. If I wanted to be an analyst I'd take up one of the monthly offers I get from the NSA. They pay better."
Field agent was going to be a harder sell; competition for those places was tougher. Even with the NSA offer looming large that wasn't a promise he could make. "Can we work on getting you in first?" A nod came in agreement. "When you are in you will go through the standard training in procedure, firearms and the like."
"I do know how to shoot you know. Both on a range and hunting. Don't think it will be too much of a problem."
David snapped. He had to get this guy in now while he still wanted it. He had a horrible thought of what he could do if he decided to use his powers for evil instead of good! "You need to downplay that. You need to downplay everything apart from the academic. If you want to join the FBI now rather than in two years time you have to let this panel have something to feel superior about. If Carter, or god forbid Conran, think that you think that you are better than them then they will eviscerate you just so they can sleep at night." He sucked in a breath.
"Is there any way you could play to the stereotype of a genius? More geek, less metro-sexual?" This conversation would have him thrown out of the HR fraternity if it was overheard but he wanted to do his best by this candidate.
What was surprising was the transformation going on in the chair opposite. Somehow this twenty year old was morphing into the perfect image. The suit, which moments ago had looked tailored to fit, was now looking like he'd borrowed it from a much bigger friend. Now, instead of the debonair man about town, there was a nervous college graduate, terrified at the prospect of the biggest interview of his life. For a second he flickered back to the earlier persona when he asked with a grin, "that more like it?"
"It's certainly more what they are expecting that's for certain. Time up, both men stood and made their way over to the door.
"I have faced down interview panels before you know. First college interview when I was eleven. Now that was a frightening day. This, well this is the same old same old."
"Best of luck anyway. It's going to be a fun day for all concerned."
They parted company at the door. Spencer to go and join the other potential recruits, David to go prepare for the first test.
AN: Points for spotting the Dharma and Greg quote (although it is pretty easy!)
If you've got this far please let me know what you think. Are you interested in seeing any more? Ready to consign this to the file 'I want that period of my life back'? Hell at this point you can even pick a pairing (as long as it isn't Reid/Gideon because ewww no) or not.