Simon

I feel like shit. I woke up about an hour ago with a jolt, panting and breathing deeply, trying to shake off the feelings of fear and dread left over from my nightmare. It's the same one as always, me reliving what happened in the tower nearly a year ago, starting off true to the actual events but always ending with everyone I care about being killed. Just as I'm drained of magic for good, Baz and Penelope burst in to help me, but are always killed by the Mage. While I stand there, unable to do anything. Helpless. Magicless. Useless.

Exactly the way I feel now.

I should have expected this, but I really hoped that I would be over it. Every time Baz leaves me alone for the night, I have the worst nightmares. It was the worst when we had just moved in, soon after The Incident. Every night, I would toss and turn, unable to sleep until the exhaustion won out. Every night, I would wake up yelling and gasping, my lungs desperate for air. Penny, being a heavy sleeper, didn't rise from her room at the opposite side of our apartment, something which I was thankful for. But after two weeks of this, I couldn't do it anymore. Penny and Baz had both noticed how worn out I looked, and soon after Baz started staying nights more and more until he had all but moved in, in every way except officially. And him being the only one who actually goes out to buy groceries and other necessities is enough for Penny to overlook his gradual arrival. I'm certainly not complaining. Not only is it great to have Baz around all the time, but I also haven't had a nightmare in over half a year, with Baz sleeping next to me every night.

But today Baz had to leave for a research expedition for college, something about collecting data. He assured me that he didn't have to go, and that he would still have enough credits to pass the course but I could see he really wanted to go. "it's only one night, I'll be fine" I reasoned, "you go and have fun, bring me back a souvenir." He was hesitant at first, but after a while I could see his excitement gathering under his cool and calm demeanour. He was almost grinning this morning when I hugged him goodbye, him planting a quick kiss on my forehead, whispering "don't miss me too much, okay?" I watched as he pulled away, the sinking feeling already starting in the pit of my stomach. With Baz gone and Penny off visiting Micah in America, I returned to an empty apartment, switched on some Jessica Jones on Netflix and laid on the couch until I fell asleep.

Which brings me back to now, panting and trying to get my breath back, trying to calm myself down. I glance at the clock, showing the time four am. Eight hours until Baz gets back. But even that isn't enough to distract me from my nightmare. It was just a dream I tell myself, but it doesn't help. It never used to and it doesn't now. Because even though Baz and Penny are safe at the moment, I know that if they were ever in danger, I would be exactly as useful as I was in my nightmare. Because my nightmares bring up exactly what I struggle to ignore every day.

I am not magic. I am not strong. I am weak. Ineffective. I can joke about me being normal with Baz and Penny but it's impossible for me to lose my magic, loose everything that made me special and be okay with it. My therapist kept on saying that it would just take time, "time heals all wounds" she would say, but it really doesn't. I suppose that's why I stopped seeing her, ignoring her calls until they stopped. In the end, I just couldn't stand talking about it all anymore. She would constantly tell me to cherish what magic I have left, my wings and tail, but they feel like they're anything but something to be grateful for. They are a constant reminder of everything I've lost, everything I'm not, and will never be again.

Suddenly I'm so angry at them, these abominations that have attached themselves to my back, the only magic I have left being these huge disgusting things, like a parasitic growth that refuses to let itself be removed. I feel like I'm drowning in sorrow for what I've lost and anger at what I've become. I shouldn't be alive, it should be Ebb, who only saw the best in everyone, who only wanted to live in peace. But instead she sacrificed herself to save me, and look what I've done with the life she saved. I'm a freak of nature, a normal mutated with magic into some kind of sick joke. A monster. I cannot stand the thought of living like this forever.

I know what I have to do.

I go into the kitchen, searching around for the biggest blade I can find. I shuffle through the drawer, until I find the sharp carving knife that penny used to cut the thanksgiving turkey a few months back. I make my way to the bathroom, grabbing some towels on the way. I stand up in the bathtub, my tail in one hand and knife in the other, barely considering what I'm about to do. All I'm focused on is the immense need to relieve myself of the constant reminder of everything that happened and everything I'm not.

I don't let myself hesitate.

I bring the knife down on my tail, slicing through the tough leathery skin and into the tender flesh underneath.

I feel as if time has come to a stop, as if I'm watching it all happen from outside my own body.

And then pain envelops me, immense and all consuming. I drop the knife and look at my hands, covered in slick red blood, taking me back to that day in the white tower, the images of Ebb's and the Mage's bodies lying lifeless on the ground, now joined by those of Penny and Baz flashing before my eyes.

I scream in agony before I collapse, everything turning from red to black.