A/N:Here's another Owner's Guide for Twilight. I want to thank everyone who reviewed the one for Bella! You guys are the one's who inspired me to make another Manual! I decided to do Jacob next because a few people requested it. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this one too!
Disclaimer:I do not own anything from Twilight. This idea and format are the original ideas of Theresa Green.
JACOB BLACK: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
**CONGRADULATIONS!**
You've successfully purchased your very own, fully automated JACOB BLACK unit. In order to fully enjoy the uses of this wonderfully cute, badass werewolf unit and/or to prevent any unsightly mishaps, please carefully read and follow this guide:
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PRODUCT SPECIFICATIONS
Name of Model Unit: Jacob Black; aka Jake, My Jacob, Dog [Warning! Do NOT call him this if living a full natural life is on top of your priorities.]
*Note- If you decide to address your unit by whatever psycho fangirl nickname you've created, don't be offended if A)he doesn't respond to it, B)finds it annoying, or C)just doesn't like it.
Place of Manufacture: La Push Factory Works
Date of Manufacture: 1989 (calculated by his age and copyrights of the book)
Height: grows freakishly tall (stops around 6'7)
Weight: heavy due to tall stature
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ACCESSORIES included with your JACOB unit
Please check that you have each of the following items:
1 tee-shirt (size: XXL)
2 pairs of shorts
1 indestructible pair of black track pants
1 toolbox for Pros
1 Jet Black Motorcycle (assembling required)
1 '86 Volkswagen Rabbit© (assembling required)
*Note- If you are having problems putting together the last two items above, you're JACOB unit can do that job for you once you activate and program him.
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UNPACKING your JACOB unit
All models of the TWILIGHT™ series edition come shipped to you in large sealed boxes. To ensure that you don't end up hurting your JACOB unit while removing him from the box, please follow these steps accordingly:
*SHAKING THE BOX WILL RESULT IN TICKING OFF THE UNIT!*
Step 1: Remove industrial tape, and carefully open the box. When opening the box, you might hear some complaining. But don't worry. Your JACOB unit is only grumbling about how little leg room he has (the boxes are a bit small for the JACOB units).
Step 2:Help your unit out of the box. He will gladly cooperate, after being cramped up for so long. Make sure there aren't any vampire units (i.e. EDWARD CULLEN units) around while unpacking your JACOB unit, or else a bloody battle will ensue.
Step 3: Remove all accessories from the box. It is recommended that you keep the box somewhere safe, incase you may want to return your JACOB unit for whatever reason. Dispose at your own risk.
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PROGRAMMING
Being the helpful character he is; your JACOB unit is programmed with many uses. Here are some you can install:
Expert Mechanic
Is your car so run down, that you just want to drive it off a cliff? Then call on your JACOB unit to pimp up your ride. He can repair any scrap heap into a sweet ride in no time with his toolbox for Pros® accessory. Whether it's a bike, car, or motorcycle, he can easily fix it! You can even open up a business, and watch the cash roll in!
World's Best Friend
If you are in need of a friend who is fun and dynamic, then the JACOB unit is your kind of guy! His care-free attitude always keeps the mood light and he's just that plain awesome! Also, if you're selfish and don't want to share your JACOB unit, then we suggest keeping him away from a BELLA SWAN unit, as these two will inevitably become best friends.
Boyfriend
Pretty self-explanatory. Although, don't expect the relationship between you and your JACOB unit to be an actual romance. Since the JACOB unit, after all, does have a crush on the BELLA unit. However, if you decide to ignore this fact and continue to live in your own warped fantasy, just know that we are NOT responsible for any heart break and/or dejection you experience. You have been warned.
Personal Heater
This is a special feature that can be programmed when the JACOB unit has been permanently set in Werewolf mode (see settings). Feeling a little chilly? Then simply cuddle with your JACOB unit and you'll be warm in a matter of seconds. We ask you (*cough*fangirls*cough*) to please refrain from inappropriately touching your JACOB unit while cuddling. Trust us, he won't like it.
Bodyguard
If your JACOB unit cares about you enough, he will definitely be there to protect you. With his great combative skills, your enemies, stalkers, etc. will never bother you again! He can even be a vampire repellent, since vampires absolutely loathe the scent of werewolves. So, sit back and watch your JACOB unit rip anyone who dares to challenge him to shreds!
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Your JACOB unit comes programmed with the following settings:
Boisterous mode (default)
Sarcastic mode
Werewolf mode (locked)
Distant mode
Serious mode
Aggravated mode
Furious mode
Imprinting mode (locked)
Sarcastic mode is activated whenever the JACOB unit feels like teasing someone (usually BELLA units), or is just being a smart-aleck.
Werewolf mode is a special feature that takes different measures to activate. To unlock this mode, have your JACOB unit spend a lot of time with the SAM ULEY CREW units. He won't be around for weeks at a time, so don't assume that he went missing. After this phase, your JACOB unit will return, but keep your distance; he won't be in a good mood. He can transform into a werewolf at will or when Furious mode is activated. Be aware that once this mode is unlocked, it is automatically and permanently set to default.
Distant and Serious mode may seem similar, but they are completely different. In Distant mode, your JACOB unit will be anti-social and angsty, whereas in Serious mode he'll seem cold and put all jokes aside.
As stated above, Aggravated and Furious mode are completely different no matter how similar they seem. Aggravated mode is activated when your JACOB unit is irritated by something or someone, while in Furious mode your JACOB UNIT will be totally pissed. Please note that in Furious mode, your JACOB unit will violently shake in order to control himself—a minor glitch in the system. We highly advise you and other units to avoid him and at all costs, should this mode be activated. Ignoring this warning will result in a guaranteed trip to the hospital!
[Warning!The previously mentioned modes can easily be activated, so BE CAREFUL!]
Imprinting mode is a special feature that requires a special way to be activated. In order to unlock this mode, have your JACOB unit meet a RENESMEE unit. This will prevent your JACOB unit from falling in love with anyone else. Be aware that once this setting is unlocked, it will be permanent. Many owners do not particularly like this feature, and if your one of them, just don't let these two units interact.
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INTERACTIONS
Your JACOB unit interacts different to other models of the TWILIGHT™ series.
BELLA: A supposedly "average" unit that has great compatibility with the JACOB unit. She deeply cares for him, and enjoys his company. The JACOB unit is hopelessly in love with BELLA, but understands that she can't return his feelings. Your JACOB unit may be in Distant mode whenever he tries to ignore/get over these feelings or after a colossal argument with the BELLA unit.
EDWARD: The JACOB and EDWARD units utterly dislike each other with great intensity. They WILLkill each other if left alone together unsupervised. If you don't want your house to become the ultimate battlefield, we seriously suggest that you keep your JACOB far, far away from any EDWARD units, or have a BELLA unit around to keep them in check.
LEAH CLEARWATER: The only female werewolf in the world. Her bitter feelings stem from heartbreak. This unit doesn't really get along that well with JACOB units. She annoys him to no end, and has a tendency to activate his Aggravated mode.
SETH CLEARWATER: Younger brother of the LEAH unit. He is a sweet and lovable unit, opposite of his sister. He and the JACOB unit get along like brothers.
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Other INTERACTIONS
LA PUSH WEREWOLF PACK DELUXE SET: This package includes the QUIL, EMBRY, SAM, JARED, and PAUL units. This group is the rest of the werewolves, which the JACOB unit abandons—along with the LEAH and SETH units—to protect a pregnant BELLA unit.
ROSALIE: All we have to say to you is to keep this unit away from your JACOB unit at ALL costs. Being around the ROSALIE unit triggers the JACOB unit's Sarcastic mode, and therefore he will relentlessly make blonde jokes. Amusing to watch, but property damage, with out a doubt, will occur.
RENESMEE: The half-human, half-vampire unit, and daughter of the EDWARD and BELLA units. She has excellent compatibility with the JACOB unit. Imprinting mode will be unlocked within your JACOB unit permanently, if he just simply looks at this unit for the very first time.
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HYGIENE
Your JACOB unit is fully capable of washing himself and does not require any help. However, being a werewolf and all, he spends a lot of time outdoors, and gets dirty quite easily. It is very important that youfrequently remind to him clean up, or else it's biting season for those pesky fleas.
ENERGY NEEDS
Your JACOB unit constantly needs energy with all the running around he does. With his huge appetite, he isn't a picky eater and will eat anything you put in front of him. Occasionally, he will hunt for his own food (while in Werewolf mode), but only in extreme cases. Your JACOB unit is able to function with as little as 4 hours of sleep, but try to encourage him to get more rest in order to fully recharge his battery.
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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: My JACOB unit was feeling pretty down for awhile, and then suddenly I couldn't find him anywhere! What happened?
A: It seems like your JACOB unit has been in Distant mode, and has decide to take off on one of his long, solitary runs. He won't be back for some time, so don't panic. Once his head is clear, he'll be back safe and sound.
Q:Um, when I got my JACOB unit a massive horde of these girls began to swarm around my house. How do I get rid of them?
A:Those would be rabid fangirls. Unfortunately we can't really help with this sort of problem. The best thing we recommend you to do, is to distract them by yelling out that you see an EDWARD unit down the street. They'll be gone in no time.
Q: I think something is wrong my JACOB unit. While I was jabbing him in the arm 1000 times, he started shaking. Is he having a seizure?
A:No, he's not having a seizure! You just activated his Furious mode! For heaven's sakes, did you not READ the guide? Get out of there now; otherwise you will be mauled by a vicious werewolf. Stay far, far away from him until he calms down. Gosh, what is wrong with you?
Q: Do JACOB units have the OOC mode?
A:Yes, as a matter of fact he does, along with all the other TWILIGHT™ models. If you want to unlock the OOC mode, have a BELLA unit strip down in front of him and watch him go insane with a new personality.
Q: Can my JACOB unit get together with a RENESMEE unit?
A: Are you sick in the head? The RENESMEE unit is only a child, and since the units don't age, that would make your JACOB unit a pedophile. I'm pretty sure you don't want that on your hands. Why not try pairing him with an older unit, like the LEAH unit if he's in OOC mode.
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TROUBLESHOOTING
Problem:Your JACOB unit is running out of clothes at an alarming rate.
Solution: Your JACOB unit has mostly likely been transforming into a werewolf quite often, which totally destroys anything he was wearing. Remember the indestructible pair of black track pants included in the accessories? Have him wear those whenever he transforms. And if you are in need of more clothes for your unit, simply order the Strong Fiber Fabric wardrobe® at the incredibly low price of $4546758.99! Call now!
Problem:You find your JACOB unit bloody and bruised up.
Solution:Tsk. Tsk. We told you to keep him away from vampire units, didn't we? Apparently your JACOB has been in a fight and will need to be healed and treated with care. Have a CARLISLE unit patch him up, and make sure he gets enough rest.
Problem: A RENESMEE unit has been damaged/ destroyed in the presence of your JACOB unit, and he is going on a demolition rampage.
Solution:Oh no! Upon seeing a RENESMEE break apart, your JACOB unit is now malfunctioned beyond repair. Call 1-800-UNIT-SQUAD, IMMEDIATELY and a group of our special technicians in shiny bio-suits will come to confiscate your unit from the area. We suggest you have insurance, for our technicians may suffer from severe injuries.
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WARRANTY
With much love and appropriate care, your JACOB unit will successfully live a happy life under your roof. Since he is capable of protecting himself, his warranty is guaranteed to last for a good 5 years, unless he is somehow killed by TEAM EDWARD fans. If for whatever crazy and insane reason you are not satisfied with the JACOB, send him back to us and we'll give you back a full refund. Or you can always hand him over to a fangirl that will be more appreciative!
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*Final Note- IF YOU PURPOSELY IGNORE THE WARNINGS AND MISUSE THE UNIT, WE ARE ENTITLED TO REFUSE YOUR RETURN OFFER.
Crysscross: Thanks for reading!