The Confessions of a Mixed Up Minor Supreme Being

Ok so it caused a bit of hassle at the time but nobody's perfect are they? Alright already! Being supreme beings we are supposed to be perfect but one little mistake and everyone else gets mad at you? Perhaps I better start at the beginning.

I'm in charge of sending the good guys into the earthly realms, and let me tell you it's a whole lot more difficult than it looks – the good guys don't always stay that way once they take on physical form, something in their software goes a bit wonky and before you know it they're cackling madly and trying to take over whichever world they've been sent to.

Anyhow this day I had gotten most of the heroes, mysterious strangers, time lords etc to where they were supposed to be and I was left with these two beings who looked fairly similar. Both were elderly gents with white hair and white beards. The plumper of the two was wearing a red suit and carrying a sack and the other one was dressed in grey and carrying a staff – or was it the grey guy with the sack? I think you can see why I was confused.

So I thought I had it all sussed and sent them off as per instructions – at least what I thought had been the instructions. Fat red suited jolly guy to middle-earth and grey wizard to planet earth. Turns out I got it ever so slightly wrong!

Santa, aka St Nick is in middle-earth and is trying to lure the elves into his workshop to make toys. Given that the last being who got the elves to make something (rings) ended up trying to take the place over they were understandably less than enamoured with the idea. That however paled into insignificance when they saw what he wanted them to wear. I think it was Elrond who threw a complete strop when Santa suggested he put on a green and red suit complete with pointy hat with bells on. Elves even half elves are a bit vain about their appearance and it didn't go down to well I can tell you.

He was a bit happier when he met up with the hobbits, now they seemed much more like what he had in mind and they quite took to his jolly demeanour. At least they did till he started trying to come in down their chimneys. As one of them put it "Can't he just knock on the door like anyone else?"

Also Saruman seemed less than impressed when Santa informed him that he had checked his list (twice) and Saruman was definitely naughty and wasn't getting any presents.

So onto Gandalf who is on planet earth and finds himself in a department store with a child on his lap. Said child pulls Gandalf's beard. Gandalf growls something that sounds like 'fool of a Took!' and threatens to turn the little charmer into a toad. Little charmer promptly starts crying and his mum clocks Gandalf one with her handbag. He did however take well (rather too well it turned out) to all the sherry and mince pies. Have you ever seen a wizard with a massive hangover? Not a pretty sight I can tell you. I think I realised something was wrong after he ate Rudolf instead of harnessing him to the sleigh, apparently reindeer meat tastes like venison which is not what the guys at the top of this particular supreme being HQ were interested in hearing. Still it all got sorted out in the end.

I decided not to tell them about mixing up Robin Hood and Faramir – After all consider the evidence. Forests, green clothes, bows and arrows, feisty girlfriends and absent Kings. Who's ever going to know?