"Honey! I'm home!" called Mike Brady, as he walked into the front door of his house one evening.
Mike was greeted by his stunningly beautiful wife Carol. Despite raising six children, the romance between them continued to be as fresh and exciting as the day they had first met.
"That looks like a present!" teased Carol, seeing that Mike was holding a gift wrapped box, with a colourful pattern on its exterior, "What's in it?"
"I'll tell you all together," said Mike, "Kids! Come down to the lounge room!"
Greg, Marcia, Peter, Jan, Bobby and Cindy Brady came running down the stairs to see what their father wanted.
"Cindy, would you like to open the box?" asked Mike.
"Sure, Dad," said Cindy, and took the lid off.
"That looks like nine first class rail tickets," said Jan.
"It is," said Mike, "Our architect firm's wealthiest client Bruce Wayne commissioned us to design his Wayne Foundation building a few years ago. I took the job on personally. Now he's invited your mother and I to attend the Wayne Foundation building's opening night masquerade ball. My boss Mr Philips was so pleased with the work I did on our largest job ever, that he's sending all of us to Gotham City for an extended vacation. Mr Wayne will be letting us stay in the Wayne Building's guest suites the whole time, including Alice."
"Oh Mike!" said Carol.
"There's more!" said Mike, "Bruce Wayne had his young ward Dick Grayson call me personally at the office as well. Dick's seen you kids performing on television music shows as the Brady Six. He wants you to be the band at the ball. Bruce and Dick feel that both my generation and yours will be represented by both old fashion masquerade costumes and modern pop music. Mr Wayne will pay you generously for the performance."
"Wow!" said Cindy, "Now I'll have the money to get my Miss Kitka-Carry-All doll fixed. Her arm's been fallen off ever since Tiger stole her again."
"But who shall we go dressed as?" asked Carol.
"I've taken care of that too," said Mike, producing a black wig and some costumes, "Mrs Brady, we're going as Anthony and Cleopatra."
A few nights later, Mike and Carol (wearing masks along with their costumes) entered the Wayne Foundation building's ballroom and were greeted by Dick Grayson's Aunt Harriet Cooper.
"Mr Wayne will be along shortly with his date for the evening," said Mrs Cooper, "The children can go and look at the musical instruments behind the stage curtains."
"Maybe they'd like to meet your nephew Dick," said Carol.
"My goodness!" said Harriet Cooper, "Dick's nowhere to be seen at the moment. The way that boy keeps running off all the time!"
"It's when you see six of them running in, that you know it pays to have a well-prepared kitchen," said Alice.
"I like our costumes," said Carol quietly to Mike, "It was so thoughtful of you. We'll be the most uniquely dressed couple here."
"I'm not so sure, honey," said Mike, as he noticed that Bruce Wayne and Lisa Carson had just entered the room dressed in identical costumes, also as Anthony and Cleopatra.
Soon Bruce took the microphone, as Alfred his Butler joined him on the stage with two glasses of old fashioned lemonade.
"I would like to call to the stage the man who single handedly designed this entire building, Mr Mike Brady," said Bruce, as Mike took his cue and walked up, "Mr Brady, your design is one of a kind."
"I just wish I could say the same thing about my choice of costumes for the evening, Bruce," said Mike.
A brief chorus of laughter erupted around the room, at the sight of both men, now indistinguishable from each other, as Alfred handed the lemonade glasses to both men.
"Allow me to toast the Wayne Foundation Building, and her designer Mike Brady," said Bruce, and the two men clinked their glasses together, and then drank heartily.
"Thank you once again, Mike Brady," said Bruce, "And now, for an extra treat, Mike's six children: Greg, Marcia, Peter, Jan, Bobby and Cindy will perform songs from their Brady Six band, while the rest of you enjoy dancing, dining and talking."
The two 'Anthonys' came off the stage, and were soon collected by Lisa Carson and Carol Brady for some dancing on the dance floor. The couples found themselves discoing to the faster bracket of Brady Six songs, which included "I believe in you", "Hey, Mr Drummer Man" and "I'm in no hurry."
Later, they began waltzing, cheek to cheek to the quieter slower songs, such as "We can make the world a whole lot brighter", "Come run with me" and "Ain't it crazy?"
Suddenly 'Cleopatra' and her dance partner were interrupted by Alfred and the late arrival Dick Grayson.
"Begging your pardon, Master Bruce, but the Priceless Pyramid statue has been stolen from the exhibition room," said Alfred, "The alarm system is still set to bells, which we knew we'd never hear above the sound of the Brady Six music. Did you forget to change it to the flashing light system so that we could see it from this room if anyone tried to rob from the exhibition room during the ball?"
"I seem to have forgotten a lot of things," said the ersatz Anthony, as Alfred led them out of the room.
"I'll drive you and master Dick back to Wayne Manor to err … call the police," said Alfred, mindful of the need to conceal their real task of changing to Batman and Robin from Lisa Carson.
"But I'm!" shouted 'Cleopatra', and the rest of her words were lost in the noise of the music, as Dick and Alfred bundled 'Anthony and Cleopatra' off to Bruce's private exit, and drove them back to Wayne Manor, 14 miles outside Gotham City.
In the mean time, Aunt Harriet took the microphone and announced that the ball would have to end half an hour earlier than planned, as the police would be called in to investigate a theft which occurred in the building during the ball. Soon Harriet and Alice spoke privately to the Brady Kids, who were taking off their guitars and discarding other musical instruments.
"You'll have to wait in your own rooms with your parents," said Aunt Harriet, "A crime scene is no place for children."
The kids grabbed the other 'Anthony and Cleopatra' and led them keenly off to their rooms. 'Anthony' was feeling strange.
Shortly afterwards, Alfred, Dick, 'Anthony and Cleopatra' went into the Wayne living room, and Alfred led Dick and 'Anthony' into the study, ostensibly to call the police.
"I'll go and prepare tea for Miss Carson, while you head down the Bat-poles," said Alfred.
"I still seem to have a bit of a headache," said 'Anthony' and left Dick to lift the statue's head and press the button which opened the sliding door to the Bat-poles.
Dick slid down his pole and soon saw Batman sliding down beside him in uniform at the bottom.
"Something tells me this isn't masquerade anymore," said Batman, "Is that really the Batmobile? This must be the Batcave."
"Of course it is, Bruce," said Robin, "Are you sure you're all right?"
"Bruce?" said Batman, and took off his cowl, "I must have had some sort of black out. I lost my memory shortly after I drank that lemonade, and it came back when I was sliding down that pole after changing into the costume I found. I'm Mike Brady."
"Wholly masquerade mix-ups!" said Robin, "That drinks waiter that was dressed like King Tut must have been the real King Tut! He probably spiked your lemonade and Bruce's with temporary amnesia drugs, so that he'd be sure that Bruce drank from one or the other glass. That way he knew that Bruce would forget to switch the alarm system from bells to flashing lights. No doubt his men were stealing the Priceless Pyramid statue while you two were dancing. Who else would want to get hold of an Egyptian dynasty relic that badly?"
"I'm really sorry about that," said Mike Brady, "I feel partly responsible for the trouble you're in. Is there anything I can do to help?"
"If you can drive the Batmobile, we can still get back to the scene of the crime and swap you and Bruce over in a secret room," said Robin.
Mike Brady drove the Batmobile as requested, and Robin soon took a car telephone call from Commissioner Gordon.
"A party guest at the Wayne Foundation masquerade ball phoned in a tip that some strange goings on had been going on," said Commissioner Gordon.
"I know, Sir. King Tut's men have robbed the exhibition room of the Priceless Pyramid statue," said Robin.
"Incredible," thought Commissioner Gordon, "You'd think the lad could read my mind!"
"Do we keep going?" asked Mike 'Batman' Brady.
"Yes," said Robin.
"Chief O'Hara's on his way," said Commissioner Gordon, "He'll probably arrive at the Wayne Foundation building before you. Gordon over and out."
"It won't be so easy to swap you guys back to your regular identities now," said Robin, "I guess you'll have to continue as Batman until we solve this case. By now Alfred must be doing his best to make Mrs Brady feel at home in the Wayne living room."
"I just hope that Bruce and Lisa are doing as well coping with my six kids," said Mike Brady.
Meanwhile, back in the Wayne Foundation building guest suites…
"Mom, can I have the bed by the window?" asked Marcia, for the third time.
"But I tell you I'm not your Mom. I'm Lisa Carson!" said the woman, and removed her mask.
"What are you doing with our Dad?" asked Peter Brady.
"Is that who I am?" asked 'Anthony'.
Lisa Carson pulled off his mask, and he looked in the bedroom wall mirror to see that he was Bruce Wayne. The sight of his own reflection stirred the final restoration of his memory, as the effects of the lemonade wore off.
"I strongly suspect that the lemonade coloured calling card of our drinks, metaphorically speaking of course, was in fact an amnesia drug prepared by one of our fair city's many infamous super villains," said Bruce.
"But that means you're stuck looking after six children," said Alice, "How can we ever thank you, Bruce?"
"A word of thanks should do at the proper time," said Bruce.
"Will you be able to take me and Miss Kitka-Carry-All to the Gotham Toy Repair Shop?" asked Cindy, looking eagerly up at Lisa Carson.
"I've never been to a toy repair shop, and I'm never going," said Lisa Carson, becoming impatient with the situation.
"Miss Kitka-Carry-All and I will take you there," said Cindy, not willing to give up on a dream.
Meanwhile, at the headquarters of the Gotham United Underworld, King Tut met with five other super villains: Penguin, Riddler, Joker, Mad Hatter and False Face.
"Riddle me this," said the Riddler," Why is Tut like the solution to a detective novel? … Because he's an open and Tut case. Everyone will guess that Tut was the drinks waiter at the ball, and that he was the one who wanted the stolen statue."
"Methinks you have a point," said Tut.
"But you're in real trouble," said Joker, "Under Warden Creighton's amendments to the Gotham Penal Code, any villain convicted of his 20th offence is put in the Gotham Pen for the rest of his life. You're the only one of us who was up to 19 offences before this robbery happened."
"Well my fellow finks," said the Penguin, "How can we help our fellow felon beat the rap on this one?"
"I think I know a way," said False Face.
Meanwhile in the Wayne Foundation guest suites…
"Alice! Alice!" said Peter Brady, "Bobby borrowed my toothpaste without asking!"
"Surrender! You criminal!" yelled Bruce, instinctively running into the boys room.
He chased Bobby into the corner and lifted him up and sat on the bed, with Bobby over his knee. Listening from the next room, Lisa Carson, Alice and the other Brady Kids heard a cacophony of sound effects.
BIFF! KAPOW! SPLAT! ZOWIE! WHAM! KERPLUNK! SOCK!
Soon a despondent Bobby walked quietly out of the room with Peter's toothpaste tube in his hand.
"I'm sorry, Peter. That was the worst spanking I've ever had," said Bobby.
"It's OK, Bobby," said Peter.
Meanwhile, in the ballroom, Mike (Batman) Brady and Robin had arrived to get the latest news on the case from Chief O'Hara.
"It's incredible!" said the Chief, "I've just checked over the phone with the Commissioner. Joker, Penguin, Riddler, Mad Hatter and False Face have all phoned in separate confessions to having stolen the Priceless Pyramid."
"And the only one who didn't confess is King Tut," said 'Batman', "I think we should go out and arrest the five criminals who confessed, and reward the only member of the Gotham United Underworld who didn't confess with a free therapy session paid for by the Police Department. It would have to work on King Tut's conscience."
Soon the police, working together with 'Batman' and Robin, raided the headquarters of the Gotham United Underworld, and brought in the five criminals. In the course of the fracas, Mad Hatter managed to pull the Batman mask off the inexperienced crime fighter Mike Brady's face, so that everyone saw who was wearing the Batman costume.
"Well you got us, Batman, but your identity is now known to the world," said Riddler.
"Alright! You crooks! Into the paddy wagon!" barked Chief O'Hara, and led the villains off to the Gotham Penitentiary, before heading for Gordon's office to debrief the case.
"Mike Brady is Batman!" said the Commissioner, "And Greg and Marcia Brady must be Robin the Boy Wonder and Batgirl the Dominoed Daredoll!"
"Not so, Commissioner," said Batman, entering the room with Robin, King Tut, and Mike and Greg Brady, "You see, this was all part of our plan to let the real criminal think that his subterfuge (of having his five allies falsely confess to his crime) had succeeded. Masquerading as me, Mike Brady sidetracked the other five with the opportunity to expose his secret identity. In the meantime, I snuck into their headquarters and found the Priceless Pyramid statue, complete with King Tut's fingerprints."
"Mr Brady, and Greg," said the Commissioner, "It takes a big man to admit that he's wrong. I was wrong, very wrong, when I even began to imagine I was able to deduce the secret identities of Batman and Robin. Is there anything we can do to make it up to you?"
"You could let us perform a concert at the Policeman's Ball," said Greg.
"Consider it done," said the Commissioner, "If it's alright with your father."
"Sure," said Mike, "Bruce Wayne has generously agreed to let us all move into Wayne Manor for the rest of our stay in Gotham City."
Later, at Wayne Manor, Mike Brady agreed to be secretly sprayed with Bat-nesia gas, in order to forget what he had learned about Batman's true identity.
The next day, Jan Brady asked Dick Grayson for a date.
"Well I'd like to Jan," said Dick, "But Bruce is the parole guardian for Marsha Queen of Diamonds. We'll be spending some time checking up on her, just to make sure she doesn't return to her former life of crime."
"Oh Marsha! Marsha! Marsha!" cried Jan, despairingly, as she sobbed away in her guest room at Wayne Manor.
In the meantime, Greg Brady went to the Gotham Library to make sure that his school studies weren't neglected. He saw a beautiful teenaged girl there named Bunny, and asked her if she'd like to go on a date with him.
"I wish I could, Greg, but the head librarian Barbara's still single. She got me this job. I wouldn't feel right going out on a date unless she had someone too."
"What if I could fix you up with a double date for us and Barbara?" asked Greg.
"That would be groovy!" said Bunny.
Later, in the boys' room at Wayne Manor, Greg approached his younger brother Peter.
"How would you like to go dancing on me at the Gotham Discotheque with an older woman. She's a real fox!" said Greg.
"Would I ever!" said Peter, and put on his fake moustache for the date, and went by the name of Phil Packer.
They went out to a restaurant that evening, and then Greg, using a car that Bruce Wayne had leant him, drove them all to the underground parking lot of Barbara's penthouse apartment.
"I'll wait here while Phil walks Barbara up to her apartment," said Greg, seizing the opportunity for some serious necking with Bunny in the car.
Peter walked up with Barbara, and began to give her a kiss in her open doorway. The thrill of having his first kiss with Gotham's sweetest looking older woman was beginning to cause strange stirrings in the area where he'd always dreamt of wearing Robin's utility belt.
"Help! We're being robbed!" came a shriek from down the hall and around the corner.
"I'd better call my father," said Barbara, breaking off the kiss, "You get back to Greg and Bunny quickly, Phil."
She closed her door, went into her private room, and made her tantalizing transformation into Batgirl. Then she peeked through the glass peep hole built into her front door, checked the corridor was clear, and then ran out and down the hallway, unaware that Peter Brady had stopped to secretly adjust his loose moustache behind a pillar, before returning to Greg and Bunny.
Peter hadn't seen Batgirl emerging from Barbara's apartment. So her identity was safe. But he did see her entering the apartment that was being robbed.
Peter snuck in behind her, and saw a frightened family looking on, as Batgirl kicked out at Black Widow, Lola Lasagne, and Louie the Lilac. Batgirl's kicks sent Black Widow and Louie flying into unconsciousness, but she did not see Lola Lasagne push a tall bookcase over in Batgirl's direction.
Suddenly Peter Brady threw himself at Batgirl, pushing her out of harm's way, as the bookcase crashed to the floor. Lola made it down to the carpark, but she couldn't drive, having counted on Louie to do that. Seeing two kids kissing in the car, she pulled out a gun, stepped into the back seat of the car and ordered Greg to drive her out of there.
Suddenly four frogs leaped out of a cardboard box and jumped all over Lola's facing, startling her enough to enable Greg to grab her gun.
"They were Bobby's. I took him to the Gotham Park Frog Racing Championships today," said Greg, "He must have left them in Mr Wayne's car."
With all of the villains apprehended, Peter Brady soon became famous for having saved Batgirl, as the robbery victims went on the television news and told the story as first hand eyewitnesses.
Peter phoned all his school friends and invited them to Gotham City for a party at Wayne Manor, so that he could tell the story of how he saved Batgirl from Lola Lasagne, but none of them turned up. Batgirl, still feeling somewhat grateful, came to the party alone, and kissed Peter alone in the room.
"I see you've removed that artificial moustache. It's better being your real self, isn't it?" said Batgirl.
"Sure is," said Peter, "But then I wasn't the only one with a disguise. Your kisses felt just like Barbara's and just as great … Barbara."
"Peter! You learned my secret by posing as an older man and saving my life. You must swear never to reveal my secret to anyone."
"Very well, Batgirl. You have my word as a Brady Bunch Boy, that nobody will ever learn your secret from me."
"Oh thank you Peter!" said Batgirl, and kissed him again.
On Saturday evening, at the policeman's ball, the Brady Six kicked things off with a loud, stirring funky rendition of their latest hit song: Times have Changed:
Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.
Sha-na-na-na-na.
Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.
Sha-na-na-na-na.
Dress-up turns to dancing, and toasts with lemonade.
No-one really knows who's who, with Bruce's Brady braid.
Inside every Bat's a Mike. And Greg's a Robin too.
Peter's kissing Barbara. His moustache has itchy glue.
When the times are changed,
The plot gets quite deranged…
Some time later, just as the Bradys were preparing to leave Gotham, King Tut's true love Neversweetie bumped off Mike Brady for his role in the arrest and incarceration of King Tut. She was captured by Batgirl shortly afterwards, but Mike Brady's upcoming role as a U.S. Senator in the Bradys' home town was left empty by his sudden demise. Barbara Gordon decided to step into the role, as it would also make it easier to live closer to Peter Brady and continue her romance with him as Barbara, rather than as Batgirl.
And soon after that, Greg Brady and his biologically unrelated stepmother Carol began to look at each other in a whole new light.
And because all good crossover stories deserve a suitable end theme, try this one:
Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.
Sha-na-na-na-na-Batman! Batman! Batman!