Crawling

Disclaimer: No I just use Sailor Moon as a basis for my stories I do not have the pleasure of owning anything apart from my plot.

Just another random idea, tell me what you think please.

Staring, staring, staring at what? I do not know myself but I find myself transfixed staring into something beyond the material world I am currently in. Staring, what am I staring at? I cannot grasp an answer my mind is clouded over with an impenetrable blankness, blocking my precious thoughts from forming and giving me something to think about essentially. I'm lost in this grey sea of blankness. Is this what ignorance is? Is ignorance just obscuring everything and everyone from your thoughts so that you can focus on your life and your life solely?

I feel the irritating thump of the headache beating the insides of my skull as I stare trying to discover something more than what is physically in front of me. My mouth opens slightly to let out the stress releasing sigh from within my body, the motion bringing momentary bliss, but only momentarily. Darkness floods my vision as my eyes are covered with skin to bring relief to the somewhat drained emerald green eyes I possess. I blink a few times trying to remoisten my dehydrated eyes the glowing screen of my laptop is now in clear focus…too clear it's painful to stare at but I do not care. Pain is something I am accustomed too but in these moments of solitude I feel my true self, my soul escape and overtake my tough exterior to unveil how battered and torn I really am beneath my mask. My indestructible mask that I keep out on show for those around me, weakness is not in my vocabulary and I do not want it associated with me because when it does, it means someone has unearthed my secret.

A secret that I have built my whole life around suspended and supported by this single train of thought. Never to be weak, never let them see through you, keep your guard up who knows who could be watching. If someone pinpointed my weakness, seen my true self not only me but also everyone I knew would suffer the dire consequences. One mishap is all it takes for someone to loath themselves for the rest of their lives, thinking of endless 'what if's' eating away at their mind and sanity. Someone like me, so that's why I find myself weeping, clutching my frail and battered soul when everyone else are safe at home.

I only let myself suffer the consequences of my weakness, I suppose this is the only true respite my soul receives so in a sense I should be happy about this, but I have so much contained within my so called strong body I can't help but allow myself to be washed with deep sorrow and endure the full extent of my pain. My pain that I have to bear alone, painfully alone, no family to help or support me, I am my own person, independent beyond belief I often ponder to myself rather egotistically I must admit but I think there should be a portrait of myself under the word 'independent' in the dictionary. Another thing I can maybe aspire for in my already determined life.

Yes, my determined life of being a soldier in the name of justice and love, funny thing it is but it's the sole reason for me being this way. The reason I am so protective of myself and my secret, if I was any other person I could scream, cry and give away my true feelings anytime but I made that sacrifice when I shouted those words: "Jupiter power make up!" That very sentence unleashed the powerful bolts of lightning locked deep within my strong soul at that point, leaving me to stand in awe after my transformation, stunned with shock from the sudden and vital change which had entered my life, altering it drastically from that moment onwards.

Yes at the time I felt amazing at the time, the adrenaline and the crackling lightning crawling all over my skin and my body giving me my extra buzz for the fight, the fight turned into fights too numerous to count and they still continue, my alias and love for transforming has lost all affect on me. Now all I wish for is a normal life where I can be myself, earn a living find a partner and settle down without having to live in constant fear of making that vital mistake on that faithful day that would lead onto the never ending path self loathing.

I open my eyes scanning my room from my position on the floor, I must of fell off the motionless chair standing over me, watching me, my arms strained intensely bound around my legs trying to comfort my soul, broken and helpless, shaking slightly from my liberated emotions I crawled painfully slow into the soft material of my bed. Easing my aching self onto my back, I raised my darkened green eyes to stare at the blank ceiling that provided shelter above my head.

Tomorrow, tomorrow I would be back to normal for everyone, I would replace my broken soul with my indestructible mask and I would continue my role in my circle of friends, the circle of soldiers for love and justice and sacrifice my life all over again repeating this cycle I call my life…

So I just thought about looking at Makoto Kino aka Sailor Jupiter in a whole new light there, so feel free to drop me a few words of opinion. It would be much appreciated – Dark Shadows 01