Stand Still, Look Pretty
Title: Stand Still, Look Pretty.
Author: Cherie Dennis.
Summary: He turned back around and kissed me, but that little red dot was all my attention was focused on. I pushed him off and he sat beside me, waiting for an explanation.
Rating: T, just to be safe.
Pairings: Brathan.
Disclaimer: I don't own OTH. The first quote is from OTH. Set after 4x14, Sad Songs for Dirty Lovers. The quote at the beginning is from 4x13, Pictures of You.
Author's Note: Written for fanfic100's prompt "Not enough.." Thanks to Miranda for betaing this for me. Love and hugs to her!
"I was worried I wouldn't be enough for you. That's why I lied," Chase stared at me as if I had three heads, but I continued anyways, "That's what I'm afraid of. Not being enough, not... good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough…"
I meant those things when I said them to Chase. I was worried I wouldn't be enough for him, but he didn't know the reason why. I can sit here and blame it on Lucas; that would be the easy choice. God knows that the broody blonde broke my heart more than enough times to take the blame. He would go after Peyton and sure, part of me thought I wasn't enough for him, but it just added to those feelings that I already had.
I could blame it on Felix even though he never strayed from me. I could blame it on all the guys I've been with in the past. Hell I could even blame it on Chris Keller, but blaming it all on them would be a lie and I'm done lying.
Peyton and Nathan had a really rocky relationship. They would constantly fight and break up only to get back together again. And I have to say, they had sex more often than anyone I know. What made them think they were good together is beyond me though.
I remember one party that Peyton and I went to. It was at Nathan's house, back in freshman year when he was still living at home. None of us knew Lucas and Haley then. It was just us three, the 'perfect couple' and the third wheel.
The red plastic cups had been filled to the rim with alcohol. All the teenagers there were throbbing with hormones and I wasn't feeling very up to social mingling. I had just found out that I failed three of my five exams and all I wanted was to get drunk. Everyone knew I wasn't in the mood to deal with drama, but that didn't stop Peyton from coming over to me.
"We broke up," she said through sobs. "He was doing body shots off some whore and now it's over! For good!" She threw up her hands in defeat before plopping down onto the couch beside me. I had to hold my cup out in front of me to make sure the drink didn't spill on me when she moved.
I had heard all of this before. Nathan and Peyton seemed to be breaking up more than they had sex, which was saying a lot. And every time Faux-dilocks would wallow in her self-pity, claiming it was the last straw.
"I mean, can't he just keep his hands to himself? God! Every time I turn around, he's off hounding another girl."
I took another long drink from my cup. It was going to be a long night. I turned around in my seat to face her and placed a hand on her thigh.
"P. Sawyer," I slurred. "He's a jackass. You've known that since I introduced you two. I don't even know why you continue dating him."
She stared at me, her big hazel eyes dripping with sorrow. How many times did she have to get screwed over before she realized that Nathan and she were not meant to be?
"I need to go get a drink."
I nodded and watched her walk away before I downed a little more of my drink. The next body that sat down beside me was warmer. That could've just been how close he was sitting though.
"Peyton and me broke up," he said.
I didn't even bother turning my head to look at him, I knew who it was and I knew what he was going to say. I tipped my cup back, feeling the last drop slide down onto my tongue. I pulled the cup away in full pout mode and tossed it onto the coffee table.
"I'm drunk."
I really wasn't as drunk as I would've liked to have been. I remember the night – for the most part – pretty clearly. And that's saying a lot considering I rarely leave a party without forgetting most of what happened the next day.
That night is still pretty clear in my mind. It could be because of what came of it or it could just be the fact that was the night when I realized that I had feelings for the younger of the two Scott boys.
Nathan and I sat on the couch for a moment, letting our words sink in before we both turned to look at one another. That single look from him, his blue eyes staring into mine was enough for me to realize that I needed him. I needed him more than I thought I did.
We stopped on the way upstairs and both got another drink. Before I had a chance to taste it his lips were crushed against mine. The kiss was hard and fast, but not sloppy. I thought, for a brief second, that the practice he had with Peyton paid off.
Before I knew it we were stumbling towards his bedroom, our tongues fighting for dominance in the other's mouth. He pulled away and I brought the cup to my lips, downing half of the liquid quickly.
"You need another?" He nodded towards the cup in my hand.
I dropped it to the floor and practically tore my shirt off. He stared at me for a moment before a sly smile came to his face. I took a step towards him, pushed the cup out of his hand and started to pull his shirt off.
"Guess not," he slurred.
We fell onto the bed, clutching each other like a life line. He pulled away for a moment and turned around, leaving me worried that he'd changed his mind. I sat up and watched as he turned on his video camera, conveniently set up at the end of his bed.
He turned back around and kissed me, but that little red dot was all my attention was focused on. I pushed him off and he sat beside me, waiting for an explanation.
"I don't know if I can do this." I glanced towards the camera. "I mean, what if someone sees this?"
Nathan looked at me, a smile on his face, and said, "I'll erase it. I promise."
"No one can see-" He cut me off with a kiss on my neck and I fell back into the bed. I giggled happily, my arms wrapping around him and my legs parting to let him between them. I forgot completely about the camera and the sounds of music pumping downstairs. The only thing I was aware of was the feel of Nathan's body, warm and strong, pressed against mine.
My mind seemed to go blank. I didn't think about anything, but how wonderful it felt for him to be touching me. He set my skin on fire. No one else had done that before, and the connection I had with him – however little it was – seemed to grow with each passing second. I fought with my tongue, when he wasn't, to keep from telling him I loved him.
That tape was the only proof of that night. Nathan, I'm sure, didn't remember that party, just like he didn't remember the tape. I remembered both, but that could be because it changed my life more than his.
The next day Peyton got back together with him. They hit a number of snags in their relationship before they finally gave up. That was when Haley and Lucas entered our lives.
I had a slight crush on Lucas, but I only went after him because I knew I couldn't have what I really wanted. Haley James took hold of the thing I needed and wouldn't let go. Even after all the problems they had and my attempts at the beginning of their relationship to push them apart.
So I turned to Lucas. He was a challenge at first, but I won him over. Now I'm not sure if it was the smartest idea. I could've still gone after Nathan, even when he and Haley were first dating. Very few guys stay faithful to their girlfriends if I enter the picture.
I wanted him to be happy though. That's probably why I never told him what happened. Not that it would've changed things. Haley changed things. She made Nathan into the outstanding man he is today and I'm incredibly happy for her, for both of them really. Had I tried to be with him he would've continued being the asshole that Dan brought him up to be.
That one night meant so much to me. It was the night that I realized I wasn't enough, that I would never be good enough for any guy that I really wanted. Lucas, Felix and Chase just drove that point home.
One mistake with the man who stole my heart and my whole life was turned upside down. That was the reason I hid in alcohol. That was the reason I slept around. That was the reason that I dove into a depression so deep that it took another blue-eyed Scott to pull me out.
And he did. Lucas was my savior for the longest time, which is probably the reason that I continued to forgive him. He could walk all over me and with the right words I'd fall back into his trap. Only after getting my heart broken again and again did I grow stronger.
All the nights that I had with Lucas, the nights that I had with Felix and the few days that I had with Chase don't hold a candle to that one night with Nathan. I could say it's because it's what changed my life. I could say it was the night that I really fell in love. I could say it was the fact that it was videotaped.
But none of that is really true. It was the one most important night in my life because it gave me something I wanted. Little did I know that it would be taken away just as quickly as I had gotten it.