A/N: I've wanted to write a modern Christmas one-shot for a while and then this happened - but it got a little long so it'll be posted in two parts. Hope everyone likes it. It's a little sad at first, and you'll find that the plot is very similar to one we already know... Only this time we see it in 2014 and during Christmas. A little different, but hopefully it won't put anyone off. I'd absolutely love to know your thoughts - part two shall be posted a little closer to Christmas, if you don't mind waiting to know what happens... But perhaps with enough encouragement I'll post it sooner rather than later. ;) No mature content in this chapter but the next and final chapter will be M-rated. Thanks Terrie for the awesome edit and hope everyone enjoys it!

Disclaimer: I don't own Downton Abbey.

Full Hearts, Empty Houses by fuzzydream

Chapter One

The party was in full swing when Anna arrived; she hadn't been very excited to come, in all honesty, but Mary had been so insistent that she couldn't really say no, even if she had needed to confirm her presence days earlier. She felt slightly dislocated there – the last time she had come to the office's Christmas party had been two years ago, and so much had changed since then. This year, it did not look like Christmas at all – she felt as if the year passed by in a hurry, yet so slow at the same time.

Mary went inside first, just as Anna took off her coat. Anna smoothed the skirt of her dress as she smiled at her friend – she had chosen a simple, comfortable dark blue dress, covered in lace. She wasn't feeling particularly cheery, but she knew she had to try to have fun, as so many people kept telling her.

It's been almost one year, she thought as she let out a shaky breath. It's time.

"Mama seems to have outdone herself this year," Mary said as she guided Anna on to the party. The dance floor was rather empty but Anna knew it was likely to be full very soon indeed. "Come on, let's find something to drink. I don't need to face Matthew and his fiancé sober."

Anna pursed her lips, agreeing with her friend. She wasn't the only one who had her heart broken in one way or the other.

Five minutes later, they were both nursing cocktails, and Anna realised it had been a while since she drank in the company of friends. She really was having fun – she supposed this was much better than spending her evening reading on her couch. About half an hour into the party, she saw her boss, Robert, and he looked surprised to see her.

"Anna!" he exclaimed, nearly dropping his glass. Mary narrowed her eyes. "I didn't know you were coming."

Anna smiled. "Mary convinced me."

"About time she left her cocoon, I say," Sybil said, affectionately pinching her cheek. They were a good trio, Anna thought to herself. Too many broken hearts.

"Right, good, good," Robert said, looking around anxiously. "Mary, can I talk to you for a moment?"

Sybil and Anna shared a confused look and kept talking whilst Mary was taken away. Daisy soon joined them, looking a little too bubbly, and it amused Anna. They were only two days away from Christmas, and the office would close until New Year. This would be their last opportunity to properly talk.

Before long, however, Mary returned, and unceremoniously grabbed Anna's arm to pull her into a corner. It was crowded enough to make it difficult for them to talk privately, but Mary maintained her voice so low that Anna wasn't sure she could hear her correctly.

"John is back," were the words Anna understood, and it took her a whole second to ask her to repeat the sentence. Surely she was hearing things she shouldn't; it wouldn't be the first time. But Mary spoke again, very clearly this time. "Anna, John is back."

Her heart skipped a beat, and for a moment she thought she would faint, or fall right then and there. Her mouth felt dry.

"What?"

Mary simply nodded, a worried expression on her face. "He will be hired again, come the New Year. Papa only learned that yesterday. He thought you wouldn't come here so he invited John today. And apparently he is coming."

Anna felt the bile rise up her throat but gulped, trying to control her nerves. John was back – after almost one year, he was back. Why didn't he contact her first? Why did he want to work in the same company she did, once again? Why was he back?

Why did he leave her?

"Come on, let's get you some fresh air," Mary said, taking Anna's hand, just as she felt tears picking at the back of her eyes. "This is nothing. Nobody expects anything. Don't worry."

Anna shook her head and stopped walking. "I should just go home."

"Nonsense," Mary said quickly. "You've always told me you wanted to see him again, to properly end things. This is your chance. It's finally here," her friend said. "If I can handle Matthew and Lavinia you can handle seeing your ex after a year. You've always been tougher than me."

Anna nodded weakly, looking around hesitantly. Her eyes fixed on the bar. Another drink was suddenly very tempting.

"He's here," Mary told her, but Anna could guess just by the way some people looked at her, by how several pairs of eyes found her. "I wish I could say he looked hideous but I think he's lost some weight. I could do without the beard, though."

At this, Anna turned, suddenly feeling very self conscious. She should have picked a fancier dress, done something better with her hair, perhaps some more make up around her eyes – but in reality, it didn't matter. He was standing right by the entrance, talking to Cora and Robert. He was smiling. God, how she missed that smile. He did look like he had lost more than just a few pounds. But he looked lovely. And suddenly, in the split of a second, their eyes met.

And it was suddenly very hard to breathe.

She couldn't look away – she had longed to look into those eyes for far too long, as much as she had longed to see him and slap him senseless. The pain from their break–up was still very much raw within her, so much that she discovered that life really wasn't the same without him in it. She had let him bewitch her completely – and when he left her, he took away her heart too. Now, she wanted it back – desperately so. But she didn't know how she would get it.

They maintained eye contact for perhaps two or three seconds – enough to have her cheeks blushing and enough to have him look away in shame. He should be ashamed. That was the one thing she could agree with.

Mary led her back to the bar, and there she stayed for a good amount of time. She didn't dare going to the dance floor, not even when Daisy begged her to, and she decided it was best to not attract attention at all. He never came to talk to them. She hadn't known what to expect, but it certainly did not surprise her.

Despite everything, she knew she had to talk to him. Even if he did not want to talk to her. This time, she wouldn't let him go until she was done.

"He's a jerk," Mary said at one point, when they were both alone once more. "I mean, really. He will have to talk to you eventually. You two will work together."

And that was one more thing Anna would have to deal with. With a loud sigh, she chanced a look at her watch. It wasn't too late, but she thought she could go home without much of a fight.

"I think I'll go home now," Anna said, feigning a yawn. "It's for the best. I don't have to talk to him. We can just be professional at work. And it's late, anyway."

"Fine, let's go," Mary took a deep breath.

"No, I'll just call for a cab," Anna said quickly. Mary threw her a stern look. "Go have fun. Show Matthew what he's missing. I... I think I need to be alone tonight."

Mary nodded. They briefly hugged and Anna quickly bid goodbye to her co–workers, as well as a happy Christmas. Perhaps, once she got home, she could find some hope – perhaps seeing him would free her. She felt as if she was bound to him, as if there was no conclusion to their life together, even though she had been on her own for enough time. On her own, but not really living – that was the saddest part of all.

She left the room and relief flooded her veins. A sigh escaped her as she walked down the hall. Her feet were hurting from the heels, and she couldn't wait to take them off. As she turned the corner to the elevator, however, she stopped abruptly when she noticed him standing in front of the elevator.

Pulling on a brave face, she kept walking until he noticed her.

He was surprised, but not overly so.

"Down, please," she said, as quietly as she could. As if he were a stranger.

Perhaps he really was.

"I don't know if I've dreaded this moment or longed for it," his voice was soft.

Hers held no softness.

"Either way, it's happened."

She stopped beside him, daring only one look in his direction before waiting for the elevator. He was staring at his shoes.

"I'm sorry," he said, "that it happened this way. I only arrived yesterday. Robert told me you wouldn't come here."

"I'm sorry to have caused such a discomfort to you," Anna said, and he cringed at her words.

"That's not what I meant," he started, but the elevator door opened and Anna stepped in. She heard him take a deep breath as he followed her inside. He slipped his hands inside his pockets, and his voice was quiet. "I wanted to have a chance to talk to you privately. I went to your place this afternoon. Another girl answered the door. She said you were–"

"Christmas shopping, yeah," Anna interrupted him. "Ethel shouldn't have said anything."

It was taking entirely too long for the elevator to reach the ground floor.

"Is she living with you?" he asked after a moment. A harmless question. Anna took a deep breath.

"For now," she nodded. One more floor to go.

"You… You look great, Anna," he tentatively smiled at her.

God, how she missed hearing him say her name like that.

She smiled. "Thanks."

The doors opened, and Anna left before he did. She stopped at the reception of the hotel to get her coat, and John did the same. Just as she was about to ask them to call a cab for her, he spoke again.

"Anna, can I give you lift?" his voice was quiet, barely above a whisper.

Anna pursed her lips. "Why?"

"You know we have to talk," he offered as an explanation. Anna nodded, accepting her coat and putting it on. His eyes watched her every movement.

"Okay. But Ethel is extremely nosy," she sighed.

"If you don't mind going to my place," he suggested tentatively. "It's not… It's not really ready for guests, I'm afraid. But it'll give us some privacy."

"It's fine."

He was right. A corridor of a random hotel wouldn't do, and who knew when they would be able to talk again. She had the distinct feeling that he could be gone in the next minute, and there was nothing she could do about that.

So, instead, she waited beside him as the valet got his car. She didn't hide her surprise when the car that was brought wasn't his beloved silver Golf – it was a bigger car, a blue one at that, and she followed John as he opened the passenger door for her. Whilst she buckled the seatbelt, and got in the car, and flashed her a nervous smile.

"The Golf went to Vera with the divorce," he said quietly, starting to drive away. "So I decided to change up a bit, give the Japanese a chance. What do you think?"

Anna gulped silently at his words, and struggled to find her voice. "It… It seems a bit big for one person."

"Yeah, I know. But I've been moving about, so it's been useful," John explained. "Though it is a little sad when you find out that all your things can fit in your car."

She nodded silently, and couldn't help but think of the clothes and books he still left at her place. She had never considered throwing them away, for some reason. They didn't have to leave like he did.

But his jumpers didn't smell like him anymore.

Anna cleared her throat, leaning her elbow against the window and watching the night around them. The streets were still a bit busy, what with Christmas being just around the corner. The weather was rainy and foggy. They stopped at a red light.

"So you're… you're divorced," she didn't know why the words sounded bitter in her lips.

John nodded, a serious expression on his face. "Yes, just… just barely. Everything was settled two weeks ago."

"So you decided to come back," she said. It wasn't a question, but he nodded. "Is that the reason why you returned?"

His hands tightened around the wheel. "Yes. But not the only reason."

His cryptic nature frustrated her – it had already, in the beginning of their relationship, but it got better as it progressed. Now it was like they were back to square one – and it annoyed her even more.

Christmas lights twinkled through the fog, only this time it wouldn't make her happy as it usually did. She had always loved the holidays – the lights and the Christmas shopping, their little traditions – he would always let her open one gift on Christmas Eve, before they went to bed. She didn't care if it was childish of her to behave that way, and she couldn't help but remember their last Christmas together – only two Christmases ago. He had showered with gifts, and they had spent the days together, barely even leaving the house. She still kept his gifts, but he never kept the promise he made her that night.

"And… where have you been?" she hated to sound so nagging, but she needed to know.

"Here and there. I spent some time in London at first, but I only returned there recently to solve the divorce matters," he told her. She had figured this out. It wasn't a surprise. "I've been in Scotland lately. It's been good for writing."

She nodded. "I thought so. I still read your articles."

John nodded, slightly taken aback by her words. "Robert's been kind enough to keep in touch with me and let me work as a freelancer for the past months."

"So he knew where you were?" her voice trembled. "Did he talk to you too, get some news? That was all I asked for when you left, and you didn't… and I was your –"

A honk behind them sounded way too loud from the confines of the car and they realised the light had turned green and they had to move. Anna gulped silently, the tears stinging her eyes, and she turned towards the window. John didn't say a word – he wouldn't, she knew he wouldn't dare. He probably felt guilty already, even if she knew he had done it to protect her – even if it had meant he had had to leave her. She couldn't hold back a sniff.

"I'm sorry," he blurted out, his eyes focused straight ahead.

"I loved you," she interrupted before he could say anything else. "I loved you and you left me without so much as an explanation. Vanishing from everywhere I knew. You didn't return my calls or my messages. I couldn't even know if you were still alive."

John remained silent, and Anna chose to shake her head and avert her eyes from him once more. She knew they needed to talk, but it still did not make anything easy and resolved – it wasn't as simple as that. When did she think their life together had been simple? It had never been, not from the start – not with the shadow of his ex–wife lurking around, every now and then back into their lives, refusing to divorce him, threatening to spill ridiculous stories on the news. She had nothing to fear and neither did John, but of course the problem hadn't been them; Vera had always known too much for her own good.

She frowned when she realised they were pulling up in a driveway. She knew this place. John was opening his door and the chilly air from the night made her shiver. She knew this place very well, and she had avoided it for the past months. She never thought it was his – she never thought it would be hers, either. And she was speechless.

It was the last house on the street, which was filled with Christmas lights and decorations; this house was dark and it gave no recognition of a Christmas spirit – but then he had said he only arrived yesterday. Without talking, she followed him as he opened the car's door for her, and he quickly pulled a few keys from his pocket to open the front door. It wasn't very much different from the last time she had been here with him, only now it was night time. The neighbourhood was quiet – she remembered thinking that was a positive thing. The house had four bedrooms and she had thought of turning one of them into a study for John.

Perfect for a family, the agent who had showed them the house had said. John had smiled at her then.

All in the past now.

They entered the house. He rushed in front of her to turn off the beeping alarm. A small gasp left her, and she hoped he hadn't heard. The walls were a creamy colour, almost white – not the blue they had seen when they visited last year. The floor was different too – hardwood, not carpet. She walked ahead, to what she knew that would be the living room. The fireplace was different too. Boxes filled the space, and she could see several of them labeled as books. A single mattress rested on the corner of the room, on the floor. Anna blinked. It was overwhelming.

"I'm sorry it's not very tidy," John apologised instantly. "Upstairs isn't quite finished. Just the master bedroom, actually, but it makes no sense to put the mattress in the bedroom when people are around all the time."

"You bought this house?" she finally found her voice, turning to look at him.

He nodded, meeting her eye for the first time since arriving. "Robert did, actually. Just so she wouldn't be able to get her hands on it."

Anna nodded weakly. They both knew who he was talking about. "When?"

"Last year. November," he said quietly. Anna closed her eyes. "It was supposed to be your Christmas present."

She shook her head, choosing to walk towards the window instead. "Why wasn't it then?"

"I was worried that things might go badly. And I was right, in the end," he told her. "So I decided to renovate it in the mean time. After I left London Vera put me on a tight hold. I couldn't set foot here or she would have known. It was quite hard choosing where everything would go without actually being here."

"But you couldn't have told me?" Anna turned around, facing him. "You couldn't tell me what made you leave? You couldn't tell me that you had this? You had to simply go and… You abandoned me, John."

"I did it against my will and better judgement," he breathed out immediately. "The things she threatened to expose… She had more than enough proof that I was unfaithful even though we had been separated for years. I never cared about losing money. I'd have given her everything – I very nearly did. I don't have anything left but this. But she had to involve you –"

"I don't care about what she could do to me," Anna raised her voice. "I couldn't care less if she dragged my name into the mud all over any newspapers."

"She had more than that," John interrupted, facing her. "She had pictures and proof of the scandal at Grantham. She had more than enough information to involve the police and the Turkish government. And Robert –"

"He doesn't give a damn of what you do for him or his company," Anna said briskly. "Any scandal would have been on Pamuk and his own illegal actions. It was never your mess to clean."

"But she had proof that you helped Mary," John said. She could see unshed tears in his eyes, and she felt her walls slowly crumbling down. "She had proof and the corporative scandal would have been nothing compared to a police investigation. You would have been seen as an accomplice."

"He had a heart attack! They would have proven it eventually!" her hands were trembling. "You didn't have to protect me! Anything would have been easier than facing these months without you!"

He walked around the room aimlessly, and Anna took a deep breath.

"There wasn't a single hour in the last eleven months that I did not think of you," he said slowly. "You consumed my every thought and dream. When I left London I tried calling you but I was worried I would have been found. She knew all my passwords, anything I'd say would be returned with a threat against you. I couldn't let that happen, Anna."

"I never cared about what people might say, you know that," the tears were falling freely now, and she walked to stand in front of him. "I never cared about us not marrying. You could have left for the moon and I wouldn't have minded, so long as I was with you."

"I just couldn't risk it. You have always been too much to risk."

"But I don't care! I never did!" she ran her fingers through her hair in frustration. This was too much like the last conversation they had. "You asked me to marry you! Didn't that mean enough to you?"

"It meant the world," his breath was colliding with hers, and she this was the closest they'd been in months. He raised his hands to her cheeks, but stopped short of touching her until she grasped them, unable to not touch him any longer. "But I had no right to ask you to marry me."

"You had every right," she whispered, a small sob leaving her throat. John stepped closer. "Kiss me."

He very nearly did, but something held him back. She still covered his hands with her own.

"John, please," she raised her head high, meeting his eye with determination. "Kiss me."