"It's raining again."
"It's been raining all day, dumbass."
The rain and murmuring of their voices fill the empty room. Jean and Eren lie together in their bed, their limbs tangled and their hearts beating as one. Eren nuzzles closer to Jean's side and plants small kisses to his neck and cheek. Jean responds by holding him closer with his arm, while the other arm takes its place behind his head.
"Why do you seem so on edge? We just had a nice night together and now we're in our soft bed." Eren peers up at Jean curiously.
Jean sighs and gives him a sloppy kiss on the forehead. "'S nothing wrong. I'm fine. Nothing different." His voice is strained. Eren sighs and props himself on his elbow, glaring down at his lover who has turned his head away.
"Really? You're going to start this shit again? Quit your self-loathing bullshit and just enjoy this quiet time with me." He grabs Jean's chin and turns his head towards him. "Please, I'm tired. For one night, I'd really like to just hold you and relax."
"Fine. That's what I've just been trying to do."
Eren settles back down to Jean's side and holds him closer, his right hand resting on Jean's cheek. The rain has picked up slightly and can be heard pelting against their window. Jean turns his head to look out into the wet but busy city life. His eyes follow the raindrops that have been illuminated by the dull orange and yellow of the street lights. He quietly pulls the covers up higher, relishing in the extra warmth.
Jean thinks quietly to himself about Eren's words. Maybe he's right. Maybe he should just quit his bullshit forever and stop whining all the time. He lets out a breathy sigh realizing the futility of the situation. Something's been nagging at him for the past few weeks and Eren has certainly noticed. He's noticed the change in his boyfriend's behavior. Jean was always a quick-to-anger kind of guy, but he was also a passionate lover. He was fierce, but he genuinely cared for those around him. Now he seems so…dull and annoyed at everything.
Arguing is a normal part of every relationship, especially in Jean and Eren's. Both of them could get heated quickly and were at each other's throats. They were loud and they often shouted at each other. But they made up quickly just as well with meaningful words, sweet kisses, and loving touches.
But this time, it's so different. They fight frequently and Jean lashes out even more so than usual. He and Eren would be talking about any small thing, like work or school, but something would set Jean off and he'd scream. They'd carry on for hours in a useless fight that wouldn't change anything between them. Jean was always a stubborn mule and would always defend what he thought was right. However, this time he fights just to be against Eren, no matter the reason. The worst part is, Jean doesn't even bother to make up anymore. When it's Eren's fault, of course he'll own up to his mistakes. Jean used to do that.
Not so much anymore.
Earlier that night, Jean and Eren had gone on one of their spontaneous dates. Jean had come home from work and told him to hurry up and get ready. Eren's bright green eyes lit up and he rushed to the shower, dragging Jean in with him. Their shower took much longer than expected as Eren decided to latch onto Jean's neck; to which he reciprocated by running his hands all over Eren, eventually slipping over his cock. The two lovers could have stayed in that shower for much longer had it not been for the fact the water turned cold and almost froze them.
They left not too long after and Jean took his boyfriend out to his favorite Italian restaurant a few blocks from their apartment. Eren ate happily and this put a small smile on Jean's face; however, he couldn't keep that smile for long. He paid for everything and told Eren that they had some more places to go. Jean spent the entire evening taking Eren to various shops and outright spoiled him. Eren was just glad to not be arguing and spending time with his wonderful boyfriend. He didn't even think of how strange it was for Jean to do this out of the blue. He's normally so stingy with his money.
Eren didn't think about how weird this all was until they're in bed cuddling with one another. Even Jean's touches and kisses seem so distant. He feels…cold. Like he's purposefully pushing him away.
Eren can't stop the words from escaping his lips in time. "Okay, that's it." He leans up again. "What the fuck is your problem?"
Jean keeps his eyes closed and lets out a breathy sigh. "There is no fucking problem. Just go to sleep, Eren; I don't want to deal with this."
"You never want to deal with anything. What's gotten into you recently? You've changed, Jean, and I don't like it." As he raises his voice, the rain outside picks up and turns into a downpour.
"Well, if you don't like it, then either do something or shut up."
"No, Jean, you need to fucking do something about it! I've done nothing to you to warrant this behavior."
"Eren, go to sleep. I'm too tired for this right now." Jean rolls over to his left side, his back turned to Eren. Enraged, Eren tugs Jean's arm and turns him back over to face him. Jean's golden eyes glare right into Eren's emerald ones. He can't take it anymore; something has to give. In one quick motion, Jean removes his arm from Eren's grasp and rolls off of the bed. He backs a few feet away and growls.
"If you're not going to stop this shit, then I'm just gonna sleep out there!"
"No, you're gonna stay right fucking here until we've figured something out!" Eren sits on his knees as he stays on the bed, his fists clenched tightly next to him. He stares back at Jean, hurt evident in his eyes. Jean has to look away momentarily; he knows he's hurt him, but he doesn't want to acknowledge it just yet. He just wants to run away, but he has to keep himself there for Eren's sake.
Although he's not sure how much longer Eren is willing to put up with him. He desperately does not want this to be their last night together, especially not with the memories of the past few weeks. All the arguing and screaming and crying they've done. Jean turns his gaze towards the window again, noticing how hard the rain is pouring. He's not looking forward to being kicked out into that terrible weather.
"Talk to me already. I'm waiting." Jean snaps his head back to Eren to see him crossing his arms, his anger unwavering.
He furrows his brows and looks at the floor, unable to speak as he looks for patterns in the dark wood. The palms of his hands are coated with a thin layer of sweat as he clenches and unclenches them, desperately searching for the right words to say. Any words for that matter. Eren clears his throat, clearly impatient.
"I don't know, okay? I'm just stressed…just generally stressed," Jean snaps and throws his hands up in the air, letting them fall back down to his sides.
"About what?"
"I just told you, I don't fuckin' know!" Jean snaps at him viciously. Eren hops off of the bed and immediately grabs onto his arms, digging his fingers into him.
"Just talk to me already, goddammit! I'm tired of being put in the dark like this! I'm angry and upset and overall worried for you, Jean." The wind howls outside in their brief moment of silence.
"How tired?"
Eren shakes his head, stunned by the question. "The fuck does that even mean?"
"It's a simple question, Eren," Jean says in a quiet voice. "How tired of me are you?"
The shorter boy rolls his eyes and lets out an exasperated sigh. "I said I'm tired of you not communicating to me, not that I'm tired of you. For fuck's sake, Jean, just keep your fucking ears open."
Jean just shakes his head and struggles to free himself from Eren's iron grip. Eren retaliates by holding on tighter, refusing to let his lover go.
"Fucking stop this shit already! Let me fucking go, Eren, or I swear to god…" Jean growls as he manages to get away from Eren again, this time, pushing him away and heading for their bedroom door. Eren stumbles backwards a few steps but catches himself before he falls to the ground. Jean fumbles for the knob and throws the door open.
Before he can leave, Eren calls out to him, "Okay, yeah, that's right Jean. Run away like the little coward you are. Don't fucking try to fix anything with your boyfriend!" Jean slams the door with as much force as he could muster. A few pictures that were hanging on the wall fall to the ground and some shatter. Eren winces at the sounds and stands idly in the same spot for a few moments before rushing back to the bed and throwing the covers over him. "Fuck that bastard," he mutters under his breath.
Still curious, however, Eren looks back at the door and sees a small light through the cracks as well as the sound of glass clinking together. Eren sighs and turns back over, deciding not to deal with him just yet. His eyes close and he tries to relax.
It doesn't work.
After ten minutes of tossing and turning, trying to find the most comfortable position, Eren throws the covers off and steps out of bed. He glances out the window for a moment before leaving the quiet room. The rain has settled down slightly, but the weather station said it was supposed to storm all night.
Eren shuffles quietly into the kitchen and sees Jean hunched over the tiny counter, holding tight to a glass of what he assumes is scotch. He mumbles something to himself, just low enough for Eren to be unable to hear, and gulps down the alcohol. Eren steps quietly into the kitchen and maintains a short distance from Jean.
"It's not like you to drink… What's got you so upset?"
Jean jumps from his soft voice and squeezes his eyes shut. After calming himself, he turns his head to meet Eren's gaze. His eyes are bright red and it looks as if he may have been crying.
"Go back to sleep," he slurs his words together. Eren frowns and stands behind the table, keeping a buffer between him and his slightly intoxicated lover.
"Either talk to me calmly or come back to bed with me, Jean. Please don't stay up doing this." Eren speaks in a normal tone, knowing how sensitive Jean is in this state. He stands up straight, staring intently at Jean. "Please, just come to bed. We'll talk about this in the morning."
Jean pours himself another glass and looks up, opening his mouth to speak. "Y'know…I think you're right. I think we really need to talk about this. Might as well tell you how shitty I am while this storm has calmed down."
"God, Jean, don't talk l-"
"Shut the fuck up! You wanna talk about our 'feelings'? Then you're gonna hear my 'feelings'!" Jean holds his hands up and does air quotations to emphasize his words.
Eren closes his eyes briefly and looks back at Jean. "All right, I'm listening." Eren relaxes a little more but crosses his arms. Jean turns his entire body around to face Eren, holding onto the empty glass tightly in his hand. He opens his mouth a few times to speak but nothing comes out. He looks to the floor again, hoping for some direction or sign to begin this conversation within the off-white linoleum. Unable to find anything, he sighs and begins speaking.
"I've just…I've just been really scared. Just, utterly fucking terrified." His voice is low and barely audible.
Eren remains quiet as he lets Jean continue. "Look, I'm sorry okay? I'm sorry we argue; I'm sorry I push you away. Goddammit, I'm sorry I'm such a shitty lover. But I'm just so fucking scared right now."
"Why are you scared? What happened?" Eren inches close to Jean carefully.
"Everything. I'm just scared of everything because I'm the biggest fuck up in the world. I just feel…in the pit of my stomach, that something bad is going to happen." Jean slumps forward and leans against the counter. He keeps his head down and doesn't dare to look at Eren. The room is silent, eerily silent.
Eren breaks the silence. "Like what's going to happen?"
Lightning illuminates the midnight sky, followed by the characteristic rumble of thunder close by. Eren flinches at the sound but doesn't take his eyes off of Jean as he looks back at him again.
"I don't know! If I fucking knew then I wouldn't be hiding from you so much!" Jean throws the glass down onto the floor to his left with full force. It shatters on impact and the shards scatter across the floor and Eren jumps back an inch, scared from the sudden noise. "I wouldn't be so goddamn scared to be near you!"
"Well then just fucking leave me if you feel you can't be near me! What the fuck are you keeping me around for?" Eren yells back.
"Because I can't just leave you! Eren, I'm afraid of losing you."
Eren rounds the table and rushes to Jean, grabbing a handful of his tank top. "You just said you're scared of being near me! Which is it? What the fuck is going on through your head, you dumb fuck?"
"Eren! Everyone I love dies on me sooner or later. It's like I was born cursed by something to live a shitty life and get people killed." Jean grabs onto Eren roughly, his amber eyes piercing into his lover's. Eren just stares right back and attempts to process his words.
"I've just…been feeling so scared. I mean, you hear on the news every day about some tragic shit going on. A-And I think about it happening to you and…fuck!"
"You're a coward," Eren starts off quietly. "A big, goddamn coward. Because you're scared of something that is very unlikely gonna happen, you think it's fucking okay to push me away? Why? Because it's easier on you?"
Jean growls and throws Eren's hands off of his shirt and he slinks to the floor, holding his head. The rain has picked up outside again and the wind howls through the empty street. The sound of the wind alone is enough to make Jean shiver.
"If only you understood…"
"Well hurry and make me understand."
"Dammit, Eren! My father was the first to die. He fucking died in a car crash on his way to see me after I was born. Do you know what that feels like? To know you killed your dad when you were just fucking born." Eren opens his mouth to speak but Jean interrupts. "And my mother. My poor, sweet mother. She was devastated after his death. I wouldn't blame her if she secretly hated me. Did you know she died as well? Right on my sixteenth fucking birthday." Jean looks back up to Eren, tears threatening to fall from his eyes. He sniffs and continues speaking. "S-She had some illness; I don't remember what it was. But it fucking killed her."
Eren kneels down to Jean's level and listens to him, keeping himself from reaching out. He tries to keep his disgruntled look but he can't help but feel a pang of sadness in his heart. This is the first time he's ever heard Jean mention anything about the topic. His parents were always enigmatic figures…
"A-And it gets better, Eren. It gets so much better. B-Before you, I had a best friend, m-my boyfriend, Marco. W-We were together for years…h-his family even took me in after I was orphaned." Jean pauses to wipe his face with his arm. After a few moments of silence, he speaks again with a shaky voice. "H-He and I loved each other a lot…and we eventually moved out to our own place. It was nice, being out on our own with each other. But then the idiot had to be in the wrong place at the wrong time…he got shot."
Jean's lip trembles as he attempts to finish his story. "S-See? You couldn't possibly understand how I feel. You're not me."
Eren snarls and pushes Jean onto is back on the cold linoleum floor. Jean lets out a noise of surprise and stares up at his furious lover hovering inches from his face.
"So fucking what if I'm not you?! That doesn't mean I can't feel the same shit you do. Yes, I'm sorry your past was shitty and I'm glad you finally fucking told me. But don't you dare tell me I can't understand a feeling just because I'm not you. In case you have forgotten, my dearest Jean, my mother's six feet under as well!"
Eren takes a moment to regain his breath, his breathing ragged from screaming so suddenly. Jean makes no attempt to wiggle free of his grasp and stares directly at Eren. He only shifts slightly in order to block out the bright artificial light shining above.
"But you know what? You're right, actually. I'm not you. I'm not some childish coward running away when things turn to shit. I was fucking distraught when my mother died but do you know what I did? I picked myself up and carried on. To live is to get hurt, Jean. You've done nothing but crawl away and hide, trying to avoid all of your problems!"
Eren slumps forward, allowing his forehead to rest on the floor next to Jean's head. He hisses slightly from the coolness against his hot, sweaty skin. All is silent except for the rain outside and the sound of Eren's panting. Jean lies motionless on the floor, not daring to reach up and touch Eren. He's too stunned for any simple action.
The last few seconds are replaying over and over in his head. All he has done up until this point is just run away and Eren's right. He quietly turns his head to the side, looking to his lover and feeling absolutely exposed. What does he do now? Eren's words pierced through him so hard, he feels vulnerable and weak.
He feels lighter.
Jean swallows, his mouth dry from shouting and crying. "That's why…that's why I'm scared. I-I love you more than anything and I don't wanna lose you."
"You won't," comes Eren's muffled voice.
"But you do-"
"Stop it. You don't know what's going to happen. And worrying over something that hasn't happened will ruin you, Jean." Eren lifts his head up to meet his lover's gaze with softer eyes. "You'll never enjoy life if you live in tomorrow. You'll never get to enjoy your time with me if you focus only on the bad shit."
Eren wraps his arms around Jean's torso and brings him in closer. They lie together like this for a few moments, enjoying each other's presence. Both of them have calmed down considerably, too tired to continue fighting and not wanting to fight anymore. Jean reaches over and pushes back some of Eren's hair before attempting to speak.
"Is this…is this the end for us?" He bites his lip in apprehension, hoping for a favorable response. Eren brings his hand up to cup Jean's cheek but he remains silent. He looks away from Jean's eyes and over to the broken shards of glass on the floor just a foot away from him.
"To be honest, unlike that glass over there, I think we can fix the pieces of our relationship." His eyes move back to Jean, the corner of his mouth twitching upwards. Jean moves quickly and takes Eren's lips, kissing him sweetly and desperately.
"I'm sorry."
"I'll accept that. Do you feel any better?"
"I-I think so…but what if I get scared again?"
"Then I'll punch you."
Eren sits up straight and stretches. He reaches his hand out for Jean and pulls him up to a sitting position, still straddling him. Eren puts both of his hands on Jean's cheeks and forces him to look up into his eyes.
"You know, I can't die even if I'm killed."
Jean snorts. "That doesn't even make any sense."
"It makes plenty of sense! Now get up and come to bed. I'm fucking exhausted from screaming at your ass."
"So am I." Eren stands up first and offers his hand to Jean and lifts him up. Keeping his hold on Jean's hand, Eren turns off the light in the kitchen and leads them back to their bedroom.
"What about the glass?"
"I'll clean it up in the morning. 'S not important right now."
"You better pray to every deity you know that I don't step on it in the morning."
"Oh please, Jean. We both know I'm always awake before you. The glass'll be long gone before you even think of waking up."
Eren gropes for their door in the pitch black apartment and finds the knob. He opens up the door and pulls Jean through it and pushes him over to the bed. Jean settles under the sheets first and opens his arms up invitingly. Eren gives a pleased grin and allows himself to be wrapped up in his boyfriend's loving embrace. He nuzzles into the crook of Jean's neck and tangles their limbs together again, just as they had been a few hours earlier.
They enjoy the silence of their dark bedroom until Eren speaks up again. "I think the rain's stopped."
Jean peers over his shoulder to look out the window, surprised that the storm has subsided. "Yeah, it has."
"Good. That way I won't get all wet tomorrow when you take me out on a date again."
"The fuck? Who says I'm doing that?"
"It's a mandatory date after a close call in our relationship. Sorry, I don't make the rules."
Jean lets out an exasperated sigh and throws his arm over his face dramatically.
"Yeah, we'll see."