I wrote this a long time ago and just recently found it again, thought I'd post it just because...

Note: JK Rowling owns everything.

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It was only for a second, just a flash across his face. But James saw it, he saw everything when it came to Sirius, even though he tried so hard not to look.

Sirius had never said anything, never let on. He was a Black, and a brilliant liar at that. Yet James was his best friend, his closest friend. James was his brother, in all but blood of course, but his brother all the same.

So naturally James saw everything.

He saw through that mask, the façade, that smirk. He knew that inside, deep down inside Sirius was terrified and shaking, screaming out for help.

But he wasn't Sirius for nothing and he certainly wasn't a Black for nothing. And Blacks, no matter how far they fall from their high horse, would never ask for help, would never accept help.

So James never offered, because he knew it was useless. He just pretended that he couldn't see the cracks forming in Sirius' perfect mask.

Couldn't see the pain in his eyes.

But he did see. Everything.

He watched silently from the sidelines as Professor McGonagall stood, towering over his friend.

"Do you understand the question Mr. Black?"

He saw Sirius' eyes slide out of focus for a brief moment. It happened so fast he thought he imagined it at first, looking around in confusion to see if Remus or Peter caught it. But Remus was doodling in the margins of his textbook and Peter was busy copying Remus' notes.

They hadn't seen it, hadn't seen the flash of utter terror that came across Sirius' face, the pain in his eyes, the way he flinched away from their professor.

It was gone before James could even be sure he had really seen it.

"Mr. Black, answer the question."

For a moment time seemed to slow down, as if James was watching the world from in slow motion, like rewinding in those muggle tape things. He saw it happened, minutes dragging by, McGonagall reaching out, Sirius' pale grey eyes widening just enough, the way his chair tipped dangerously back.

Then it all snapped back to normal.

And a loud crash filled the room and Sirius toppled to the ground, books, papers, and spilt ink scattered around him.

He jumped up quickly, dusting his robes off, giving the stunned class a lopsided smirk.

"Sorry 'bout that Minnie, your lovely voice was distracting me from the matter at hand."

He ran a hand through his long black hair and smiled carelessly.

It didn't reach his eyes though, James thought to himself.

"You've got to exaggerate the wand movements, like this," Sirius spoke when he continued to be met with silence, making a big sweeping movement with his wand, changing the wooden block on his desk into a large toad. The unnatural quiet was broken by McGonagall clearing her throat.

"Yes, well as Mr. Black has demonstrated, the key to transfiguring your block is to exaggerate the wand movements while clearly imagining what your toad will look like."

The class nodded, each student beginning to formulate how they would attempt this new task, McGonagall offering more instruction to students who were having trouble. Things went back to normal, the buzz of conversation filling the air as people moved on, forgot.

James looked at Sirius and sighed.

Sometimes, being Sirius Black's best friend was a lot harder than people thought.

Sirius didn't seem to notice James' gaze, his pale grey eyes were unfocused staring at the glassy lake out the window, hand nervously drumming a tune out on his thigh, a slight scowl on his face.

"Sirius?"

But Sirius didn't move, his eyes remaining unfocused, lost in his own thoughts.

"Sirius," James reached out lightly tapping his friend on the shoulder. Sirius flinched.

"What?" He didn't bother to look away from the window, yet his eyes snapped back into focus and James could feel his muscles tense under his hand. James watched him, the way his hand clenched at the touch, the way his eyes hardened and flashed.

"Never mind, I'll ask you later."

James looked back down at his own pale toad, not quite perfect, but close enough to pass, one could still see the faint grain of wood along its back. He ignored it, just like he tried to pretend he had never seen the scars that ran along his friend's back. That he couldn't see Sirius' hands shake.

That he didn't notice that every summer his friend came back ten pounds lighter, with bruises covering his chest.

He ignored the fact that Sirius flinched when he touched him.

That he screamed in his sleep, and shook and shivered when he thought James wasn't looking.

Pretended that he didn't see the look in Sirius' eyes when they stood at the top of the astronomy tower, when Sirius would wander a little too close to the edge, peering into the blackness far below, gray eyes tinged with black. That he hadn't had to grip Sirius' robes a tad too tight when they sat up in the owlery and Sirius would lean out the window, gray eyes dancing with a secret wish to be falling, falling so so far down.

James pretended that he didn't see it, because he knew Sirius didn't want him to see it.

He didn't want his help, no matter how desperately he needed it.

He sighed again, and this time Sirius glanced over at him, mocking smile plastered across his face.

"Need help with your toad Prongs? Ready to give up your spot at the top of the class yet?"

All traces of fear were gone, in its place was that arrogant smirk, that bark like laugh. As if he wasn't afraid, as if he wasn't suicidal, as if he didn't go out looking for a fight, for pain, as if he didn't enjoy the sight of his own rose red blood pooling on the ground, laughing insanely as he cried, hot tears pouring down his face.

James looked away, he just couldn't stand to see it anymore. Sirius, on his chosen path of self destruction.

He ruffled up his hair and turned back to Sirius, a smile on his own face. Just as fake as his friend's.

Sometimes it was just so damn hard being Sirius Black's best friend.

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