Tell me something… why do we always fall for the one we can't have? For the one, who's the sweetest, and looks through innocent eyes, when you're the darkest fucking thing in comparison.

I see her smiling at me. I see her gestures of warmth, and I can't seem to get through this fog. Something's changed in me. Something I've fought so hard to keep safe, and now it's gone.

I always knew taking on this job would be difficult. Would be hard. I was the 'glass half-full' kinda girl, y'know? I told myself, I'd get by, that I'm tough enough, I'll work hard enough. But it seems I've finally met my match and life's gone and thrown me out on my ass.

I look at her, all pretty and delicate, and refined, and I know something's changed in her too. That what happened to me has happened to her. Has touched her. My pain has touched hers. I wish we could get through this together. I hate this. I'm so fucking tired…

"Jane…"

I can't stop staring into space. "Hmm?"

Nothing. She says nothing, just sits and waits. She's good for me, y'know. So good. I wish she knew how much I need her. Need her patience, need her pause. The quiet flicks my brain back into the room. I look up. "What?"

She smiles.

"I asked if you wanted some lunch?"

"Oh,… no," I shake my head, "Sorry, not hungry."

Once again, we're left with silence, neither of us knowing what to say, or how to break into each other's thoughts. We just sit, and breathe, and stare. Watching images of the mundane, flash back across the room at us from a giant coloured box.

It's all around us, y'know… recycled proof that everyday life goes on, without you, regardless of what's happening to you, what you feel, or who you've touched.

I wanna touch her, soft and tenderly, but I can't. I'll never be able to feel her like that.

I remember what it felt like. The sudden jolt to my system, shock to my body, before falling to the ground. It hurt. Hurt like hell. Not immediately, but when my brain caught up, it sure as hell did. I remember her face, her eyes. The grip of her hands, holding on for dear life. For my life. I love her, and I can't tell her… cause she's dating someone, someone else… someone who's not me. Fucking Slucky. Fuck you Slucky. You lucky bastard.

'… but when she lowered her beautiful dark eyelids they revealed more of her than was in her eyes …' (Natalie Clifford Barney)

Whose eyes are those? Could be mine, could be hers. All I know is that I'm worried about her. Something's not right. I've never seen her like this. So withdrawn. I feel like she's hiding something, but I can't be sure. Fucking mind! I just wish it would work properly, get me out of this haze of drugs, confusion… heartache.

I wanna know her. Know what she is now, who she is now. And so I try.

"Maura?" She looks up. "You'd tell me if something was bothering you, right?"

Her eyes drift down, her focus firmly on the floor. "Why do you ask?"

"I…" C'mon ass, think of something! "I just want you to know, is all. That if you wanted or needed me to… I could be there for you."

She swallows, straightening the material of her dress. "I'm fine, Jane."

"Okay… but, just so you know."

It's late… and what the hell is that? It's woken me up. It's my damn phone. "Hello?"

It takes me a while, but then I hear it. "Jane?"

"Maur? Is that you?" All I can hear is her breathing, and it doesn't sound right. "Baby, are you allright?" I've never called her that before, but it felt right. She sounds so fragile. It's her undoing. She cries… so completely but softly, she cries. "Maur… come home, please?" I don't catch the depth of my meaning. "Come home, baby…"

"I can't… he's here." She gets herself under control. "I'm sorry… I woke you. I'd better go…"

"No!... no… please… don't hang up." I can feel adrenalin pumping through my veins as if I'm chasing down a perp. But this is so far from that. This is something else… "Just… talk to me, okay? Tell me why you're upset."

I wait, and she sniffles and sighs, and then its quiet, "It's nothing…" she whispers.

And I suddenly feel like my old self, and go with my gut. "Is it him? Did he do somethin'?"

I leave out any and all accusation from my voice. I just wanna know what's wrong, hear her say it, so I can fix it.

"He… " But she can't. She's holding back.

"He what, Maur?"

"He was rough with me, Jane." And there it is. "I don't know if he realised it, but…"

"How rough?"

"He was… we were being… intimate… and it hurt. So I told him to stop…"

"But he didn't." I fill in the gaps where she can't.

"No… no, he didn't."

We sit in the knowledge that it's come to this. Her locked away in her bathroom, hiding from him but drawn to me; and me, stuck in my bed, permanently shackled to my bedclothes. I feel helpless.

"Let me send you a cab? You could still come home?"

"I am home, Jane."

"I know, but… I want you here, with me, in mine. Please?"

A breath escapes fast from her lungs. We're in a horrible state. "What do I do? I can't leave… I…"

"You can do whatever you want, Maur, if you're uncomfortable. Come here. Be with me. Just for tonight, so you can think, … so you can grieve..."

"I grieve about you every day…"

"I know," I've seen it. "I'm sorry … but I'm here…"

"You haven't been…"

Another chunk of time rests heavily between us and I wait. I wait for her decision.

"I'm here for you, I told you that… I need you, Maur… We could just… be, y'know? Just, be together, you and me… look out for each other…"

"I don't know… "

"I don't care if I have nothing else in my life that's good, I just wanna have you, Maur. I need to have you…"

I don't know if it's enough. I feel like it'll never be enough. I'm not enough.

"Send the cab… I'll be with you soon."