Part 5: Consciences are Overrated
He's carrying me upstairs. I can feel his strength and his warmth and it's killing me for two reasons. First, it feels like old times, another drunken night of being helped upstairs, another night from a time when there were nights to do nothing but drink and dance in nearly blinding lights, to nearly deafening music. Nights for forgetting.
Second, I am aroused. That, and my heart is racing. If it were actually possible to kick the shit out of oneself, I would have perfected that by now. I can't believe I'm letting him affect me this way, after what I've seen between him and Bombay,
I swear he's toying with me. His voice kept slipping into my head today like a soft touch. And then teasing me, grinning, of all things, in my head. Kinda like Schuldig. Maybe he's been around him…with him…too long already. He's certainly learned enough. I think back to my shock earlier when I could almost feel Aya's grin inside me. He must have been able to feel my shock. Gods, how embarrassing.
We reach the top of the stairs and I honestly don't know what he's feeling, what he's thinking. I have a nagging thought in the back of my mind. Oh yeah, that must be my conscience. That's right, he's Omi's…Bombay's now. I have no right to feel this way. I can't let him in my room. My side hurts. I need sympathy. I think I'm delirious. I can't trust myself with him.
I tell him I'm fine and it hurts so much.
Now I'm not kicking myself, I'm punting my heart across the room. Eden approaches and I can't help but find a small smile. What is with this woman? We laughed together like children today. She made me feel silly. Sure, I have a sense of humor, but its not exactly grounded in what you would call silliness. Eden makes me smile before I've had to force myself to. Eden makes me happy.
At the bottom of the stairs Aya had turned to her and asked her where she would sleep. I didn't have a chance to try to crack some joke to myself about this before it hit me: cold, hard jealously. I knew she we go to him, happy to win, I suppose. I wasn't even surprised that Aya would choose her over me. For some reason, at that moment, I didn't even consider Bombay. However I did stop to let myself feel slightly amazed of his blatant interest in her. Aya's changed. I know he has.
Maybe someone taught this boy how to break hearts.
We're at the top of the stairs, and he shrugs me away from him, at my bidding. I miss his warmth the second I'm standing alone. I turn and Eden is there. I imagine our little triangle and nearly laugh out loud. This is truly, truly insane. Since when is Aya even interested in ANYONE, I think to myself, really starting to feel the exhaustion kick in.
Eden is worried about me. I smile. She's such a ball of concern, but I think it contents her. Aya…Ran…has a headache again. Still getting used to all this, hm? Less than an hour ago you seemed comfortable enough with it to make me completely uncomfortable in my own head.
Aya walks downstairs before I can think of anything else to say to him, which is probably good because I've been lingering in my doorway for no conceivable reason.
I think I do have a reason though. I catch Eden's eye and make some smart-ass comment about Aya. But I just want her attention. I want her to come with me tonight.
And she does, walking into my room and bringing that stupid smile back to my face. I stop to wonder if I was just being paranoid thinking that she would go to Aya tonight. For a moment, I am panged with guilt, wondering that if Bombay were not involved, would I go to Aya over her, without a thought? My conscience beats me with a huge stick. I deserve to be alone.
And I don't know what this is that we have. I don't understand how I've let this woman mean so much to me in so little time. I feel like we've been always been friends. Her skin feels comfortable and when I touch her I feel safe. She doesn't make me nervous. Her hands are light and where her fingers touch me my skin shivers for a moment. I can't believe it. I'm gushing.
This day has been insane, of course. But for some reason it's not worth thinking about right now. Eden walks around the room, locking my windows and for tonight I'm willing to lock everything out, I'm willing to wake up tomorrow and as always, try to force myself back to sleep so that I don't have to face reality. Tonight I've had enough of this cold fear I can't explain, enough of Aya's teasing, enough guilt at Sylvia's anger and disappointment. Tonight I don't allow myself to remember how much I want Aya to look at me and SEE me. I don't let random and infuriating moments of attraction toward Schuldig lead me to the conclusion that I am completely hopeless. I don't give myself time to regret that I've let another woman find her way into my heart, after all this time, after being so sure I knew better than that. Tonight I don't think about the look in Bombay's eyes as he approached Ken. I don't stop to feel relieved that we will be helping Joey. I don't even stop to feel the near-joy I felt earlier at the simple act of taking a mission, as Weiss. Even as a rag-tag torn-up and extended Weiss.
Tonight I pull Eden against me and let her hair tickle my neck. I let the exhaustion in my body pull me toward into a thick, deathlike sleep.